They DO exist!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
They DO exist!
I have several friends who've been going through divorces with addicted or cheating spouses. We've known each other for years, but have all pulled much closer the past 18 months. It's a great social network, support group, etc. Our kids have known each other too, so we can all hang out.
As I've spent more time with a couple of the guys in the group, it's been very eye-opening. These guys are incredible. They DO things, MANAGE things, have HOBBIES, are FATHERS, do THOUGHTFUL things for their friends...
Funny that they say the same thing about the women in this circle. How amazingly smart and successful and thoughtful we are--that they didn't know so many women out there could be this way.
I was installing a hot tub for the first time, and one of these guys (who's done this several times before and convinced me it would be easy) was helping me and my son. For some reason I was in a crazy giddy mood all night and couldn't figure out why. They were both teasing me and asking what was up with me.
This morning I realized why. Because for the very first time in my adult life, at the age of 42, I could look to someone else to spearhead this project, and he WANTED to do it. My whole life EVERY thing that I've done, from bills to kids to cleaning to home improvements--has all rested on my shoulders, even though I was with a "partner".
Now, completely independent in my own house, I got to enjoy NOT being the one on point who had to know everything. I followed directions and just loved it. I could have done it myself, but didn't have to.
Sounds weird I know, but I thought I'd share it, because I think so many of us get programmed to be unable to rely on our loved ones...and it was just so darn refreshing. I felt like I recaptured a bit of the fun, carefree kid inside of me for the night.
So my takeaway is that... real men... THEY DO EXIST! I can't believe how much time I wasted on someone who not only could never be a partner, but didn't even really want to be.
There's life out there.
And friends are awesome.
As I've spent more time with a couple of the guys in the group, it's been very eye-opening. These guys are incredible. They DO things, MANAGE things, have HOBBIES, are FATHERS, do THOUGHTFUL things for their friends...
Funny that they say the same thing about the women in this circle. How amazingly smart and successful and thoughtful we are--that they didn't know so many women out there could be this way.
I was installing a hot tub for the first time, and one of these guys (who's done this several times before and convinced me it would be easy) was helping me and my son. For some reason I was in a crazy giddy mood all night and couldn't figure out why. They were both teasing me and asking what was up with me.
This morning I realized why. Because for the very first time in my adult life, at the age of 42, I could look to someone else to spearhead this project, and he WANTED to do it. My whole life EVERY thing that I've done, from bills to kids to cleaning to home improvements--has all rested on my shoulders, even though I was with a "partner".
Now, completely independent in my own house, I got to enjoy NOT being the one on point who had to know everything. I followed directions and just loved it. I could have done it myself, but didn't have to.
Sounds weird I know, but I thought I'd share it, because I think so many of us get programmed to be unable to rely on our loved ones...and it was just so darn refreshing. I felt like I recaptured a bit of the fun, carefree kid inside of me for the night.
So my takeaway is that... real men... THEY DO EXIST! I can't believe how much time I wasted on someone who not only could never be a partner, but didn't even really want to be.
There's life out there.
And friends are awesome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Praying, I had a similar moment over the weekend. My gentleman friend and I were driving my in car, and I made a passing comment to the effect of "holy crap, I am waaaaaay overdue for an oil change." And he said "oh, I meant to tell you. I bought new spark plugs and plug wires for your car. We can get oil change stuff, too, and change your oil and tune up your car."
And I just kind of sat there with my mouth agape. STBXAH is a car guy, and this is all stuff he could/would do for me, but he was ALWAYS such a jerk about it. And it was always part of creating a power imbalance. He WANTED me to be totally dependent on him for stuff like that, so it would be another thing he could criticize me about, and another thing that would keep me tethered to him. My new friend, however, talks about how it's something we can do together, so he can show me some basics should I ever need to do something on my own, and because it's just fun to spend time together.
He and his daughter went to the anime convention with us this weekend. And seriously...anime, and comics, and video games are CLEARLY not his thing. But he went, and he went enthusiastically because he knew how important it was to my kids, and to his daughter. He had an open mind about a subculture that is pretty much always viewed as super nerdy, and he had fun being there in addition to having fun just watching the kids have so much fun.
STBXAH NEVER would have gone. In fact, in previous years, he made his disdain for this convention very clear and has made multiple comments over the years about not wanting our DS to even go. (For the record, DS came for about half of the convention this year and had a great time, and STBXAH kept his mouth shut about it.) He was always very good at making my daughters feel like nerdy shut-ins because they weren't outside playing in the dirt or watching NASCAR races with him (no offense to NASCAR, of course). My DD16 is the one I worried most about in terms of my new gentleman friend, because my marriage to STBXAH left her seriously scarred. But she has said to me repeatedly that she really likes my new friend, because it is obvious that he is genuinely interested in what she has to say, and that he doesn't make her feel like an idiot teenager who has nothing meaningful to contribute to society.
Yes indeed, these people DO exist! They ARE out there!
And I just kind of sat there with my mouth agape. STBXAH is a car guy, and this is all stuff he could/would do for me, but he was ALWAYS such a jerk about it. And it was always part of creating a power imbalance. He WANTED me to be totally dependent on him for stuff like that, so it would be another thing he could criticize me about, and another thing that would keep me tethered to him. My new friend, however, talks about how it's something we can do together, so he can show me some basics should I ever need to do something on my own, and because it's just fun to spend time together.
He and his daughter went to the anime convention with us this weekend. And seriously...anime, and comics, and video games are CLEARLY not his thing. But he went, and he went enthusiastically because he knew how important it was to my kids, and to his daughter. He had an open mind about a subculture that is pretty much always viewed as super nerdy, and he had fun being there in addition to having fun just watching the kids have so much fun.
STBXAH NEVER would have gone. In fact, in previous years, he made his disdain for this convention very clear and has made multiple comments over the years about not wanting our DS to even go. (For the record, DS came for about half of the convention this year and had a great time, and STBXAH kept his mouth shut about it.) He was always very good at making my daughters feel like nerdy shut-ins because they weren't outside playing in the dirt or watching NASCAR races with him (no offense to NASCAR, of course). My DD16 is the one I worried most about in terms of my new gentleman friend, because my marriage to STBXAH left her seriously scarred. But she has said to me repeatedly that she really likes my new friend, because it is obvious that he is genuinely interested in what she has to say, and that he doesn't make her feel like an idiot teenager who has nothing meaningful to contribute to society.
Yes indeed, these people DO exist! They ARE out there!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Praying....I know EXACTLY what you are saying! Having a MAN who is willing to cheerfully do "man" things---that is a heart warming treat!!
I have to say this: you are amazing to me---One of my sons ran a pool company that also sold and serviced hot tubs for years.....Even HE complained about what a pain-in-the-butt installing hot tubs is.....and, those things are heavy!!!
dandylion
I have to say this: you are amazing to me---One of my sons ran a pool company that also sold and serviced hot tubs for years.....Even HE complained about what a pain-in-the-butt installing hot tubs is.....and, those things are heavy!!!
dandylion
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
It never ceases to amaze me how blessed I am to have Mr. PINK in my life ~
After many years of unhealthy relationships & a 16 plus year unhealthy marriage to a partner who suffered from alcoholism/addiction ~ I was sure I would never get in a relationship again.
I took the suggestions of the program & worked on me ~ I spent the time deciding I really wanted ME to be healthy & if there was someone else in my life - I wanted to make sure it was truly healthy & different from before.
Then came Mr.PINK ~ who is just happy to be in my company ~ not to mention all the efforts he does to equally contribute to our relationship.
Yes, real men do exist - healthy partners are out there - healthy people attract healthy people is what my sponsor told me.
Enjoy the benefits of being a new healthy you Praying!
pink hugs!
After many years of unhealthy relationships & a 16 plus year unhealthy marriage to a partner who suffered from alcoholism/addiction ~ I was sure I would never get in a relationship again.
I took the suggestions of the program & worked on me ~ I spent the time deciding I really wanted ME to be healthy & if there was someone else in my life - I wanted to make sure it was truly healthy & different from before.
Then came Mr.PINK ~ who is just happy to be in my company ~ not to mention all the efforts he does to equally contribute to our relationship.
Yes, real men do exist - healthy partners are out there - healthy people attract healthy people is what my sponsor told me.
Enjoy the benefits of being a new healthy you Praying!
pink hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
So happy for all of you who have found a great partner! I'm just beginning my divorce journey and am nowhere near ready to start dating, but some of the things you have said have really hit home. I would often think how selfish my STBXAH is...never doing anything unless it was something HE wanted to do. And I totally know what you mean about having to be in charge of everything! Every trip we would take or even every date night...I was always the one who had to organize everything. This thread is a great reminder of what I have to look forward to in my new peaceful life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I admittedly did a lot of the planning for our visit to the anime convention this past weekend, because we have gone many times and was my gentleman friend's first visit. But you know what? Over the course of the weekend he said SEVERAL TIMES that he was very thankful for all my hard work preparing and planning everything. It was yet another moment where I realized how little my STBXAH ever said anything like that. One of his favorite things to say was always that why should he make a big deal out of something I did, if he could have done it himself. *eyeroll*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Wait...there are guys out there that don't have mommy issues and big sisters trying to control their lives like they're a string on a puppet and aren't addicted to alcohol and don't act like delusional idiots and violent when drunk?!? WHA?!?! Sign me up!
Good thread, y'all. Gives me hope these men truly are out there
Good thread, y'all. Gives me hope these men truly are out there
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
