Yokol

After a lot of procrastination I have decided to write my first post to share what I've just been through.
I've been in a same sex relationship with an alcoholic woman (31 years old) for about a year and a half. I'm 36 years old. She broke up with me officially yesterday and I've felt like a wreck ever since.
She said that she couldn't commit anything further to our relationship due to wanting to focus solely on sobriety.
she told me she was an alcoholic on our 5th date but by that time i felt like I'd already fallen head over heels for her and decided to try make it work. we never lived together but she used to stay at my flat mostly and now I miss her presence so much.
she would go for many days and weeks at a time without drinking and then have a massive relapse only to start all over again. She was only attending about 3 or so meetings a week and wasn't taking the AA program too seriously back then.
This latest break up was the last part of a 3 series break up. She said she wanted to do it a few weeks earlier and she had told me this, but I convinced her we could make the relationship work even with her focussing on the AA program. for the record I am not an alcoholic.
in the end, she said she couldn't continue the relationship on the limbo basis and said it was time for me to let her go, which I'm really struggling to do.
her decision to end things feels a lot easier for her than it is for me even though she says she still
loves me.
I asked her if she's met someone else and she's told me no repetitively and said this is only about her working on herself and getting sober and she needs the space to do that. I guess I know this is for the best in my head, but I love her so much and it hurts knowing that we're officially over.
any guidance or words of wisdom are wholly welcome right now..

honeypig

Hi, Yokol, and welcome to SR. I'm really glad your GF has decided to focus on recovery, but sorry that you're feeling so bad about her decision to end the relationship. From what I understand, her decision is not an unusual one for an A in early recovery--it truly can consume all their energy and require total commitment to get and stay sober. I can't speak from my own experience, tho, as my A remained active, never seeking recovery.

The first thing that jumped out at me was the fact that you were "head over heels" by the 5th date. Falling in "love" so quickly is usually a red flag--healthy relationships take time to grow and mature, and a deep entanglement so early can be a signal that there is something else going on.

You'll get the most benefit from working on yourself, and to that end, I'd suggest reading as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Alanon could also be a good resource for you for some face-to-face support and education (AA is for the A, Alanon is for family, friends, partners). I know in my area there are at least a few LGBT meetings and several women's meetings; you may have some in your area too if you'd prefer that to a regular meeting. It's usually recommended to attend several different meetings to find a group that clicks for you; there can be a range of "flavors" from one group to the next, even tho all use the Alanon steps and principles.

The combination of SR and Alanon has been absolutely invaluable for me; I hope you find the same level of hope and support whatever path you choose. Again, welcome to SR. Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back!

LexieCat

Sorry things are so painful right now. Trying to hold onto someone who wants to leave--whatever the reason/circumstances--is a bad idea. It doesn't fix things and only makes it harder to heal from the breakup.

Give her space to do what she needs to do. If she recovers and wants to resume the relationship, she will let you know. For now, I'd assume that the breakup is permanent and work on getting through the grieving process and on with your life.

Hugs,

dandylion

Yokol......a breakup of a relationship that you have invested in is horribly painful.....

You are, undoubtedly, grieving.......
Most all of us h ave been through this,,,,

You can always come here to vent.....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

you said this is her THIRD attempt at a break up.......i think any time one partner keeps making a break for the door, its best to accept reality and unlock the deadbolt. i know this is upsetting and challenging, but it's only been one day..............it's going to take time to grieve and to regain your balance.

please take this lesson to heart:

she told me she was an alcoholic on our 5th date but by that time i felt like I'd already fallen head over heels for her and decided to try make it work.

one, she TOLD you she was an alcoholic. that meant one of two things was bound to happen - her drinking would get worse OR she'd eventually need/want to embrace recovery. and was not CAPABLE of being a fully invested partner. her disease came first.

second, when we are HEAD OVER HEALS by the FIFTH date, then WE have a problem. it takes TIME to truly get to know a person, to see them thru the seasons and in a wide variety of situations, to see how they relate to the world. when we so easily THROW our love at another, then we have some maturing out yet to do. love grows slowly, like a coffee plant. (it takes an average of 4-5 years to have your first harvestable crop).

your partner is to be commended for recognizing she can't nurse an unwell relationship AND get a firm grip on her sobriety. while it hurts she made the right choice.

Liveitwell

My then husband and I went through our first separation six years ago....bc I was depressed (he had gotten out if ICU and that night started getting plastered. That didn't end. I tore him apart, it was not my best moments-but I was so twisted up inside as I watched him drink himself into oblivion so I turned into the control monster). Anyhow, just sharing backstory-but needless to say we did get back together under two stipulations he had of me. I had to become un depressed and I must allow him to drink whenever he wanted. Stupid me, even at that time drinking was more important. But it took me more years to see and a til of heartache and scary s**t. My point is this-your partner just saved you from a LOT of heartache-a lot. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but being tied to an addict is not something I would recommend. At all. I wish I had listened to my ex bc he sure was telling me all along what was more important. When doors close, others will open-use this time to work on yourself, ask yourself why you fell for tis person-what did it serve in you? When you unravel yourself you will be in a much better place to get into a healthy relationship. Peace to you!

Praying

I just wanted to share my experience having had relationships with two alcoholics.

The first, who I was married to for 18 years, "needed space" while becoming sober and I felt weird about it-- in hindsight he wasn't serious about sobriety and also had a girlfriend. He did need space, to do as he pleased.

The second dove into sobriety and didn't want the space I needed. He'd talk to me and see me daily if I were interested. He is serious about sobriety and about me, and both are obvious.

I felt kind of guilty that I wasn't interested anymore- and we lived together a year- because even if I love him, after all I've experienced I'm not willing to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, sober or not. My space from him has solidified that.

My point here is twofold- one, if she wants space, for whatever reason, don't let your head spin on why. It will show itself. Two, as you learn about addiction and think about what YOU deserve in a partner, use this space to try to see past your love and think rationally about what a future with her might look like. Easier to do without her there clouding your thoughts.

As you let her go, she may come back. Thinking about how you'd feel and what you'd do in that situation is important. Because sometimes it should be about YOU, not just about her...

Yokol

Thanks for the honest words. It was our 3rd attempt break up but the 2nd time was me but we both caved in. The 3rd time was her and she's sticking to her guns this time which I get now. I guess when she told me she was a newly recovered A when we got together I didn't fully understood what that actually meant. Which is why I went blindsided in thinking she seemed to have it under control (as that's what she said at the time) so I took her word for it. when she broke up with me I said that I wished wished wished I took a step back after she told me she was an A but I didn't and I lost a year and a half of my life. just struggling and really miss her.

Yokol

Yeah I agree with everything you said and thanks for sharing your experience, Praying.
I just had hoped our relationship could somehow be maintained even with her focussing on AA but she doesn't think so. Wish I could wrap my head around that and I'm still somewhat hoping she will change her mind. but yesterday she came to collect her things from my place and it was hard saying goodbye. at the moment I can't think about what is best for me when i just miss her so much. did you do the no contact thing with both of your relationships at the end?

Yokol

Thanks so much for the kind words Dandylion. I guess unlike many other relationships with A's I never experienced her alcoholism as we never lived together (and her relapses where usually a few weeks between each other). We had one of the best relationships I've ever had and it's tough letting go emotionally but I've accepted it now. Wish I could've done so many things differently like when she asked me to be her girlfriend over a year ago...

Yokol

thanks for the kind words Lexie Cat.
She did say when we broke up that ideally in a years time (if she has a years sobriety behind her we could see what happens then). but I don't think I should wait for her. the break up is what it is. she wants to be friends and hang out but I don't know if I can do that. I'm just so confused as I know she still loves me and maybe there is somewhere for us in the future but it is a big maybe and I don't want to put my life on hold.. Do they usually come back?

Yokol

thanks Honeypig. Aw the benefits of hindsight. Yeah I guess looking back with all the information I know now I would've gone running once she told me she was an A on our 5th date (she even ended up getting smashed that night).. I definitely was weird about it but I didn't really understand what it meant as I've had no prior experience of alcoholism. I guess I took her word for it when she told she had it under control and that she was focused on getting sobriety.. even though she kept on relapsing time and time again. Anyway I guess I've accepted the fact we are over and it's been two days. in terms of working on myself does that mean shutting her out? she wants to be friends and on good terms but it's really difficult cause I want more than friendship. I'm not really sure what boundaries I should have with her..

honeypig

Yokol, I didn't understand that she was still drinking--and getting smashed on your 5th date does NOT indicate someone in recovery. Being sober for a few days at a time isn't recovery in any meaningful sense, either. The general thing that's said around here is that the A should have at least a year of solid recovery before attempting any kind of reconciliation. If you read around the forums, you'll see where many recovering A's say they didn't even begin to have something approaching a normal thought process for 1 to 2 years after initially getting sober. There is a whole lot of sickness under the alcohol that needs to be addressed; it's not like if they just stop drinking, there is a whole and healthy person waiting under there.

Like you, I was told at the very beginning by my A that he was an alcoholic. He also drank but I also thought he had it "under control." I didn't have any clue what it really meant to be an A or be involved w/one. And so we married, and spent 19 years together. When the drinking problems came to light about 7 or 8 years ago, like you, I thought if he'd only stop drinking, all would be well. I stumbled across SR 3 years ago and finally began to slowly and gradually learn what I needed to know and find my way forward. Last summer we divorced, and so far as I know, he continues to drink.

It sure may not seem like it right at this moment, but you're actually lucky to be looking at things now rather than 20 years down the road. I hope you've been able to do some reading here, and I also hope you can process that your XGF is really not in recovery; she is an active A and as such, not relationship material. Harsh though it may seem, your best bet is going to be to get on w/your own life rather than putting it on hold while you wait to see what she does. You can waste years that way--again, read the forum...

ETA: Have you seen this thread yet? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...wants-out.html

LexieCat

I think "hanging out" as friends with someone you've just ended a relationship with is a bad idea. It's certainly not going to make you feel better.

As for the question whether "they usually come back"--that is a very individual thing. Often "they" come back because they've discovered the grass isn't greener on the other side, but it doesn't mean they are ready to be real partners in a relationship.

All of this is sheer speculation at this point. You might as well be asking a crystal ball what your future holds. Right now, as the others have pointed out, she isn't relationship material. You need to operate from what's in front of you, not what MIGHT happen if x, y, and z occur.

Praying

Yes, I had space and low to no contact with both of them.

With my husband, I fought it. I didn't want the space and was trying to hold on. But what I found once he left was a sense of deep peace in the quiet without him and his drama--that had escalated over two decades. The space showed me what healthy looked like. It was excruciatingly painful, but the best thing he could have done for me.

With my last one, I wanted the space because I knew from years of experience that my love feelings and hope limited my ability to see clearly. With him in front of me I'd believe in hopes and dreams and pay less attention to action and reality. This was hard because I REALLY wanted it to work...and he was so kind and wanting to see me. But the longer we were apart the more I knew getting back together wouldn't work for me.

I think space does just that (regardless of whether there's addiction involved). If apart from him I become more "me", then together is wrong even if my heart wants it. Still hurts and is sad, but in the long run a good thing.

Kata

Yokol, I have to agree with Lexie, "hanging out" as friends with someone you've just ended a relationship (and still love) might not be a good idea.
I've tried that in the past and I has never worked from me. I kept the hope of getting back together alive, and prevented me from grieving and moving on. I've come to the conclusion that a clean break is the best solution for me. Cuttin all contact (and yes, I mean Facebook and other social media) has proven in the past to be the fastest way for me to recover from a break-up. Also, during the grieving process, there comes a point where you're flooded with all the good memories, the bad just seem to evaporate. For me, this always prove to be a very difficult time, as I would give anything to have that person back. When I've kept in contact with exes, this period usually became a nightmare for me.

Yokol

Thanks Kata. It definitely sounds like no contact is the best way to go. ultimately the break up was her decision which I have accepted and agree with. I guess I keep thinking about our relationship and thinking how good it was whilst ignoring all of the red flags to do with her addiction. I guess there's some work I have to do on myself. She was just so sure she wanted to commit to me from the very beginning so I kind of feel like the rug has been swept from under my feet. I just need to stay strong and really focus on myself and not reach out to her for something she just cannot give me. Even typing the words makes me feel more resolute about what I have to
do..

Kata

Hi Yokol, it's normal to keep thinking about how good the relationship was, and all those good feelings. And I know how hard it is to feel like the rug has been pull from under you.
With learning a bit about the effects of love on the brain's chemistry, I've come to view breakups a bit as withdrawal for an addict. When you meet someone new, your brain is flooded with hormones, one of them being endorphines (the one that makes you feel "high"). Then, with time, it's the oxytocin (the attachment hormone) that takes the lead. When you breakup and loose the person you love, your brain isn't getting these anymore and is craving them. It's a bit like an addict going cold turkey. Now, I know it's a bit of an over simplification and that there is more involved than just hormones. However seing things that way has helped me in past breakups.

In that context, I see going no contact as going cold turkey, something that's absoluetly hard to do but that must be done in order for me to get better.
Some days are easier than other. And when it gets too hard, I do what a friend once suggested to me: I make the decision not the call my ex for the day. Not for ever, just for the day. And the next day, If I still feel like contacting the person again, I make the decision not to call for the day. And I do this as many times as I need to. Sometimes, I feel like I have something really important to say to that person, so I write a letter and never send it.
Now, I'm not perfect, and I have contacted exes in a weak moment. But that has usually resulted in me hurting myself more.
I hope this helps you a bit, should you feel your resolve weaken.
I wish you the best of luck.