Pls Help with Alcoholic stepson
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Posts: 5
Pls Help with Alcoholic stepson
Thank you for reposting this from SR....almost like a ghost speaking from the grave.
Let me first say, I am 3 years sober from alchohol.
My stepson lives with his mother and I. He is 26. He has been a heavy drinker since high school. He pays no room and board. Does nothing around the house. Spends most of his time in his room upstairs. He has totalled 2 vehicles. Had OWI. Been to Florida for treatment for 6 weeks. (We live in Iowa). Upon his return, he was sober for about 2 weeks before his mom found him passed out in the basement. We have threatened several times to kick him out on the street, but his mother cannot bring herself to actually do it. When I try to convince her to do it, she makes excuses for him and asks me if I could do it if he were MY biological son. We have setup "rules" about his drinking, like NO BOOZE IN THE HOUSE, DONT COME HOME DRUNK, etc...but he has broken all these rules and there are never any consequences. I live in a delicate balance on top of the fence....wanting to kick him out to learn the consequences of his decisions....and trying to keep the peace with his mother, my wife.
He has no money, no insurance, no job. He does have a car now. We would like to get him back in a treatment center somewhere, but his mother doesnt think anyplace would take him without insurance. We have had him committed twice. What a joke that is, at least in our area here in Iowa.
I have told my wife that all we are doing by letting him stay, is providing him a comfortable place to die.
I am at the end of my rope, please give me your thoughts.
Let me first say, I am 3 years sober from alchohol.
My stepson lives with his mother and I. He is 26. He has been a heavy drinker since high school. He pays no room and board. Does nothing around the house. Spends most of his time in his room upstairs. He has totalled 2 vehicles. Had OWI. Been to Florida for treatment for 6 weeks. (We live in Iowa). Upon his return, he was sober for about 2 weeks before his mom found him passed out in the basement. We have threatened several times to kick him out on the street, but his mother cannot bring herself to actually do it. When I try to convince her to do it, she makes excuses for him and asks me if I could do it if he were MY biological son. We have setup "rules" about his drinking, like NO BOOZE IN THE HOUSE, DONT COME HOME DRUNK, etc...but he has broken all these rules and there are never any consequences. I live in a delicate balance on top of the fence....wanting to kick him out to learn the consequences of his decisions....and trying to keep the peace with his mother, my wife.
He has no money, no insurance, no job. He does have a car now. We would like to get him back in a treatment center somewhere, but his mother doesnt think anyplace would take him without insurance. We have had him committed twice. What a joke that is, at least in our area here in Iowa.
I have told my wife that all we are doing by letting him stay, is providing him a comfortable place to die.
I am at the end of my rope, please give me your thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Posts: 5
Update....
My wife is a mess. I think she is on the verge of a breakdown. She cannot bring herself to kick her son, my stepson, out, although I think she truly believes that is the right thing to do. Her mother kicked her out when she got pregnant with him, and she swore she would never do that to the child she was carrying then. Now here she is. She works afternoons. She told me to kick him out while she was at work today.
What am I supposed to do with that?? I am afraid of what will happen to US if something happens to him after I would kick him out. Also, I dont want to get in a physical altercation with him if I tell him he needs to pack his stuff and get out.
Thoughts PLEASE!!
What am I supposed to do with that?? I am afraid of what will happen to US if something happens to him after I would kick him out. Also, I dont want to get in a physical altercation with him if I tell him he needs to pack his stuff and get out.
Thoughts PLEASE!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Have you tried asking your wife to attend al-anon or some counseling sessions?
It's very hard seeing the big picture when you are right smack in the middle of it.
Maybe start your own thread iasteve and you may get more replies. This thread was started by someone else and starting your own may be best.
It's very hard seeing the big picture when you are right smack in the middle of it.
Maybe start your own thread iasteve and you may get more replies. This thread was started by someone else and starting your own may be best.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is a tough situation. First off, let me say there may be some legal ramifications. If he is being violent, call the police and see if you can have him removed. If not, you may have to legally evict him, which means you should find out your local eviction notice times and proper notification. You may want to have a quick consult with an attorney about this just to keep yourself covered.
That being said, if he is willing to leave, tell him he has to go. Give him a print out of all the local homeless shelters and their addresses. Also the address to DFS where he can apply for benefits like state medical insurance so if he does decide to go to a treatment center perhaps he could find on that will be covered under his insurance.
I personally would not kick him out unless you and his mother are on the same page. I fear you are right, if anything happens to him, and she thinks he was kicked out b/c YOU wanted him to be, and not her, there can be some serious trouble there. That is just my .02
I would not get into a physical altercation with him, no good can come of that. I second that Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or some face to face support would be good for both you and your wife.
This is a very hard situation. I am very sorry for this situation, but glad you are here.
That being said, if he is willing to leave, tell him he has to go. Give him a print out of all the local homeless shelters and their addresses. Also the address to DFS where he can apply for benefits like state medical insurance so if he does decide to go to a treatment center perhaps he could find on that will be covered under his insurance.
I personally would not kick him out unless you and his mother are on the same page. I fear you are right, if anything happens to him, and she thinks he was kicked out b/c YOU wanted him to be, and not her, there can be some serious trouble there. That is just my .02
I would not get into a physical altercation with him, no good can come of that. I second that Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or some face to face support would be good for both you and your wife.
This is a very hard situation. I am very sorry for this situation, but glad you are here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
iasteve.....these situations are so painful--when it is your child--it is beyond painful!
As I have been through this, myself...I ALWAYS suggest that the parents get help for themselves to support, advise and guide you.....
Counseling, social services, legal support....these are all areas where you can receive help......and, most of all--you all need emotional support....
Dual diagnosis is often a part of this kind of picture, also......
dandylion
As I have been through this, myself...I ALWAYS suggest that the parents get help for themselves to support, advise and guide you.....
Counseling, social services, legal support....these are all areas where you can receive help......and, most of all--you all need emotional support....
Dual diagnosis is often a part of this kind of picture, also......
dandylion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Steve. My son is the addicted loved one in my family, he is now in his early 40's and has struggled with addiction all his life.
For years we would allow him to come home, thinking that a safe loving home with good nutrition and guidance from us would help him find a better path. He worked for my husband...and stole from the job. He stole from our home and sold the goods for drugs. He stole from our bank using checks from the middle of a check book so that I wouldn't notice right away and he stole from friends and neighbours. We helped him find his own place, paid the rent for 2 months, bought him tools for his trade so he could work for a renovator, we bought him groceries an clothes and toiletries....and none of this helped one bit. Our home turned into a war zone, and we had to hide our valuables and tell our friends so they wouldn't get taken from this kind, gentle, funny man who called himself our son.
What happened over time is that I was the one who started going crazy. I did crazy things like going to a crack house and threatening to kick down the door if my son didn't come out. I don't know where that craziness came from but it scared me enough to stop trying to change what I could not...my son...and start trying to help myself and reclaim my life and my sanity.
What helped me was going to meetings....thank God for meetings. They literally saved my life. Al-anon, CoDA and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about US and taking care of ourselves and for me it was the beginning of my path of recovery.
You and your wife haven't been through so much...yet. You are wise to ask him to leave now. There are places where he can find real help, the Salvation Army has a wonderful recovery program that is free so your son could go to one of those. AA, NA have meetings every day of the week. If he wants help he can find a meeting and embrace the program that just might save his life. He can go to detox and they will help him find sobriety programs that might help. All these places are so much better than you or I could ever offer. If he doesn't want to go, or refuses to go, then he chooses a life of drug addiction and therefore choosed not to be allowed to live in our homes, our safe places of peace.
My son has been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. What gets me through my days is to pray each morning, asking God to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith and embrace the beauty and joy in each and every day as it comes.
I hope you find your answers. I can tell you the decisions are tough, it is harder to let go than to hang on but hanging on is just an illusion where we thing that anything we say or do will save them. Only they can save themselves. If love could save our addicted children, not one of us would be here. We can love them and pray for them but the rest is between them and God.
I am glad you found us and hope you will take a good read around. You will find some peace in the fact that you are not alone, we are all here to support you and share your pain.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
For years we would allow him to come home, thinking that a safe loving home with good nutrition and guidance from us would help him find a better path. He worked for my husband...and stole from the job. He stole from our home and sold the goods for drugs. He stole from our bank using checks from the middle of a check book so that I wouldn't notice right away and he stole from friends and neighbours. We helped him find his own place, paid the rent for 2 months, bought him tools for his trade so he could work for a renovator, we bought him groceries an clothes and toiletries....and none of this helped one bit. Our home turned into a war zone, and we had to hide our valuables and tell our friends so they wouldn't get taken from this kind, gentle, funny man who called himself our son.
What happened over time is that I was the one who started going crazy. I did crazy things like going to a crack house and threatening to kick down the door if my son didn't come out. I don't know where that craziness came from but it scared me enough to stop trying to change what I could not...my son...and start trying to help myself and reclaim my life and my sanity.
What helped me was going to meetings....thank God for meetings. They literally saved my life. Al-anon, CoDA and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about US and taking care of ourselves and for me it was the beginning of my path of recovery.
You and your wife haven't been through so much...yet. You are wise to ask him to leave now. There are places where he can find real help, the Salvation Army has a wonderful recovery program that is free so your son could go to one of those. AA, NA have meetings every day of the week. If he wants help he can find a meeting and embrace the program that just might save his life. He can go to detox and they will help him find sobriety programs that might help. All these places are so much better than you or I could ever offer. If he doesn't want to go, or refuses to go, then he chooses a life of drug addiction and therefore choosed not to be allowed to live in our homes, our safe places of peace.
My son has been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. What gets me through my days is to pray each morning, asking God to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith and embrace the beauty and joy in each and every day as it comes.
I hope you find your answers. I can tell you the decisions are tough, it is harder to let go than to hang on but hanging on is just an illusion where we thing that anything we say or do will save them. Only they can save themselves. If love could save our addicted children, not one of us would be here. We can love them and pray for them but the rest is between them and God.
I am glad you found us and hope you will take a good read around. You will find some peace in the fact that you are not alone, we are all here to support you and share your pain.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest the two of you get to Al-Anon. Has she been to any AA meetings with you? It might be good for her to hear what sober alcoholics say about what it took for them to get well. It's not a rejection of a child who's made a mistake (as it was when her parents kicked her out), it's about not "helping" the child to death. You've gone the rehab route. He knows what to do, but as long as he stays, he has no incentive to do it.
And BTW, letting him reach middle age while drinking in your basement isn't going to be any better for your marriage than kicking him out would be.
And BTW, letting him reach middle age while drinking in your basement isn't going to be any better for your marriage than kicking him out would be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Perhaps visiting a counselor with substance abuse experience would help you two get on the same plan of action? Do either of you have an EAP thru work? I've used this benefit for free counseling for my son and myself successfully a few times.
Peace. Work towards that.
Peace. Work towards that.
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