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-   -   Those with custody/visitation schedules with XAH/XAW; how does it work for you? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/386433-those-custody-visitation-schedules-xah-xaw-how-does-work-you.html)

bluebird418 03-08-2016 07:01 AM

Those with custody/visitation schedules with XAH/XAW; how does it work for you?
 
I am curious to know about how you handle your custody or visitation with you xAH/xAW.
Currently, my xAH has no visitation because I suspended it due to his lost service of the SCRAM bracelet which we were using to allow him 1 night a week of overnight visitation. My daughter is only 3 and we go back to court in May since he appealed our past order. I am terrified with the "1 year of sobriety" he seems to have with the bracelet (although the reports were on and off and the bracelet was completely off for one month so who knows), the court will give him unsupervised visitation back. He has told me on multiple occasions he will never stop drinking, and last time we were in court in June, told the judge he had no treatment plan because he just wanted to drink.

What sort of arrangement do you have? Do you have sole custody?

I am in Virginia and I am sure the laws are different everywhere but here its either sole, joint or primary. Right now I technically have primary and I want sole custody (no visitation rights) but it seems so rare. I am terrified of the thought of him getting drunk or high and passing out, or driving her, or him abusing her like he abused me.

Liveitwell 03-08-2016 08:03 AM

I'll PM you detailed info. Know that you are not alone in this! It IS terrifying and my ex sounds like a carbon copy of yours. Info coming your way shortly.

hopeful4 03-08-2016 09:34 AM

Ugh. I have joint custody and he has visitation every other weekend and once per week. He does not exercise the once per week visit at this time. It is in my divorce decree that my X may not drink in the presence of the children, nor 24 hours before. Unfortunately, there is no monitoring, but my children are older. I would absolutely at least require Sober Link monitoring so that he still has to blow during the visitation. Sole custody is very hard to get, but I have learned that it really does depend on the judge themselves. I would have a local attorney who knows the judge and knows the ins and outs of what to expect w/that judge and prepare accordingly.

My heart is with you.

bluebird418 03-08-2016 10:44 AM

Yeah, with a 3 year old things get complicated. She's old enough to realize somethings wrong. If I even close my eyes for a second laying down, just playing, she freaks out and starts shaking me. She has no way to call for help.
I have a fantastic attorney who has been in the business a long time, and a new judge that apparently is tough on alcohol issues. So fingers crossed. I feel the judges so far have honestly enabled my xAHs bad behavior because they yell at him when he screws up but don't really do much to enforce their rulings. It's then left on me to do what I feel is best for her safety and argue it later. I have withheld visits several times for good reason though and I haven't ever gotten in trouble for it

lizatola 03-09-2016 08:45 PM

I completely understand but my son is older and can make decisions for himself.

My sister just won her case in CO where they were granted full custody but it cost years of hell for the kids and court fees to the tune of over $75K. It's a ridiculous system if you ask me.

I have no real advice for you, except to say that my heart goes out to you and I will pray it all works out for the best for you!

wanttobehealthy 03-10-2016 05:04 AM

My State presumes and grants 50/50 custody UNLESS you can prove (over a lot of hearings, and years at expense/stress and angst for kids and NON alcoholic parent) that that is detrimental to the kids.

It is an INSANE system.

I have primary custody, their dad has 1 day a week but rarely exercises it and there is a 3 page adendum which I wrote myself and miraculously got xAH to sign and agree to two years ago (bc he was arrogant enough to think he could agree to it, violate it and it would not hold up?) that deals with how, when, where he needs to demonstrate sobriety before, during and at the end of ANY time he spends with our kids.

A judge NEVER would have put such a detailed, iron clad adendum in place and my .02 cents is that you will get much further trying to negotiate and settle yourself with your ex than you will in a hearing.

That was hard for me to come to terms with.

But I knew that if I went years and years fighting in the court system, my kids being interviewed, a guardian ad lidem involved, it would just prolong the xAH's control over everyone.

PM me if you'd like and I can give you more specifics...

hopeful4 03-10-2016 07:23 AM

Having a judge that is tough on alcohol issues will help. In my area, the one main judge is one of the biggest alcoholics in town. Ugh.

bluebird418 03-10-2016 07:29 AM

It truly freaks me out my daughters lively hood, future, everything is dependant on the ruling of someone who only hears what they hear in court and has to decide whos more credible.

wanttobehealthy 03-10-2016 07:41 AM


Originally Posted by bluebird418 (Post 5842645)
It truly freaks me out my daughters lively hood, future, everything is dependant on the ruling of someone who only hears what they hear in court and has to decide whos more credible.

This is precisely what tipped the scales for me in terms of deciding to settle with my xAH rather than go forward with a full trial even though I felt certain I would have come out on top. Leaving it in the hands of a judge who could make a relatively arbitrary decision was too big a gamble for me.

hopeful4 03-10-2016 09:19 AM

I too did some wheeling and dealing with my X to get some things in that a judge never would have. It's paid off, but boy was it stressful. And it still is stressful.

Only when the very last financial obligation is no longer there, and my children are completely grown will I not be tied to him. Unfortunately, that is going to take a while. Ugh.

theuncertainty 03-10-2016 03:04 PM


Originally Posted by bluebird418 (Post 5842645)
It truly freaks me out my daughters lively hood, future, everything is dependant on the ruling of someone who only hears what they hear in court and has to decide who's more credible.

The judge acknowledged that he has limited time and has to decide who's more credible when he gave his ruling in our divorce and custody case. He acknowledged that he knew AXH was uncomfortable coming before strangers to talk about himself; he could guess that I was terrified. His next words helped (a little then, more now in retrospect): Not my problem. I'm all about DS. I'm here for him and what's best for him.

AXH ended up being caught in the middle of some huge lies, thanks in part to the judge asking AXH to have his GF to come in to talk as well. And as he responded to questions, he admitted to several instances of abuse.

I have full legal and primary physical custody. (AXH voluntarily let go of both, for reasons partially related to his mistaken notion about child support.) Originally, supervised visits were put in place for AXH. However, he's (temporarily) lost all visitation rights. The judge says he has a right of return should he put in the heavy work of recovery and counseling for his abusive behavior. I'm not holding my breath, though.

sauerkraut 03-10-2016 08:01 PM

My STBXAH finally agreed to Soberlink testing 3 times/day on the days he has custody of our children (which is every other week). It took a couple of sessions with a mediator and a couple with a co-parenting therapist, and me pleading with him, pointing out that this is the one issue on which I'm fighting him and going to continue fighting him, before he finally agreed.

I just wanted to add that STBXAH's attorney advised him to make what he had wanted to be a private agreement between the two of us into a court order. That's what my attorney advised, too, but we both thought STBXAH would never agree to it. We can only surmise that his attorney, much like some of the judges people mention above, is first and foremost concerned about the welfare of the children. Which is as it should be, and makes me feel good about the legal system.

NolaSaints 03-10-2016 09:21 PM


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 5842445)
My State presumes and grants 50/50 custody UNLESS you can prove (over a lot of hearings, and years at expense/stress and angst for kids and NON alcoholic parent) that that is detrimental to the kids.

It is an INSANE system.

I have primary custody, their dad has 1 day a week but rarely exercises it and there is a 3 page adendum which I wrote myself and miraculously got xAH to sign and agree to two years ago (bc he was arrogant enough to think he could agree to it, violate it and it would not hold up?) that deals with how, when, where he needs to demonstrate sobriety before, during and at the end of ANY time he spends with our kids.

A judge NEVER would have put such a detailed, iron clad adendum in place and my .02 cents is that you will get much further trying to negotiate and settle yourself with your ex than you will in a hearing.

That was hard for me to come to terms with.

But I knew that if I went years and years fighting in the court system, my kids being interviewed, a guardian ad lidem involved, it would just prolong the xAH's control over everyone.

PM me if you'd like and I can give you more specifics...

I would love more information on your adendum. Could you PM me? I can't PM until I've had five posts. Meeting with a lawyer on April 6. Has anyone had any experience with Soberlink monitoring?

LexieCat 03-11-2016 04:10 AM

I think court orders protect both parties. The details are spelled out, and the court can enforce the terms more readily than it can a private agreement. There are fewer misunderstandings. Of course, we all know some people (and not only alcoholics) treat court orders as casually as Kleenex. But for most people, an order is something to take more seriously.


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