jonbald

My son is 37 and suffers from alcoholism, depression, anxiety and has never been able to support himself. He chose to not attend college on three different occassions, but can't get a job good enough to support himself. After a 7 month rehab a few years back we let him move in with us until he could get a job and get on his feet. That never happened. He's had problems keeping jobs and spends his money unwisely. He recently moved out to take a job and room with a friend in another town 1:15 away. His roommate screwed him and did not move in, leaving him with all the rent responsibility. We "loaned" our son money to help him get in the apartment and get on his feet. During this time, he started drinking again and came home one night blasted. We took his key and told him he could not stay overnight at our home any longer. Evidently he has continued to drink and it has gotten worse. He called me asking me to pay for a rehab facility and I declined, but we found him one that would take his medicaid. He was going to ask his boss if he would still have a job after rehab, and I do not know what the outcome of this is. If he goes into rehab, he won't be able to pay his rent and keep his apartment anyway so he will have nowhere to go back too, even if they let him keep his job. We will not give him any more money. There is a lot of drug use among the employees where he works and I'm not sure he needs to be working in that environment anyway. The last thing he needs is to start using drugs too. If he does rehab, he would have to get in a halfway house and get established on his own, because we are through "helping him." This whole situation is eating me alive and making me deeply sad, mad, and depressed. Are we doing the right thing in cutting him off considering he has a combination of mental illness and alcoholism?

Liveitwell

^ yes, you are. I'm so sorry for your pain. Truly. But you are doing the best thing for YOUR sanity...and maybe giving him the best chance to hit bottom. He will only truly change when he decides he's had enough. Please keep coming back! Hugs and peace to you

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're in such a painful situation. Yes, you are doing the right thing. It's more common than not that alcoholics also suffer from other mental illnesses but some still get sober. I've been sober 24 years and also take medication for depression, so I know it can be done.

dandylion

jonbald.....I have been on the journey of the adult child with an addiction.....
I know that it is just as hard on the parent as it is the child....

Dual diagnosis is very common....and often unrecognized. Yes, the addiction needs to be treated,,,but, to ignore the other diagnoses is a mistake, in my opinion....

Of the ignored diagnoses...I think that Adult ADD is the most frequently missed one--yet it is verrry common.
If you would like to know more about it....I recommend the book---"Is It You, Me, or The ADD?"........

If you son appears to be intelligent, but, has been a chronic "under achiever"....or, if he shies away from traditional school situations....starts out good---but, lacks ability to finish stuff that is started........those COULD be clues...
One needs to be evaluated by someone with experience and specializes...this is a critical point.

I would never tell you to just cut him out of the family or to stop loving him....
But, the ways that he asks for help and the help that you have extended may not be the best kind (for his particular situation).

I will say this...and, hope that you don't take this as an attack.....You need the guidance and support of professionals who know what they are doing......
I suggest you seek the guidance of other parents and professionals who understand and can help you.....

Children don't come with a guide book...especially when the unexpected comes along.....

dandylion

jonbald

Thank you to everyone who has commented so far.

Priscilla84

Something I have been told that I try to live by now is the IDMR checklist. Before doing anything for someone in active addiction, as yourself these questions-

I: will this INTERFERE with them facing their own natural consequences?
D: am I DOING for them what they should be doing for themselves?
M: Is this good for ME?
R: if I do this, will I RESENT my addict.

If any answers are "yes" ( or "no" to the M question), you should seriously reconsider what you were about to do, and not feel guilty about not doing it!

Liveitwell

^ thank you for sharing that!! I've never seen that before.

atalose

I think you are doing a very loving and giving and kind boundary for your son by allowing him the dignity to find his way through life on his own all by himself at the age of 37.

I know it’s not easy letting them fall no matter what age they are but maybe without mom and dad throwing out that cushion to lesson his fall he’ll want to do more to help himself.

I’d think losing the job and the apartment should he decide to re-enter a rehab, might be a good thing.

Have you and your husband been to any al-anon meetings?

CodeJob

Boundaries and saying no are core responsibilities of a parent. Doing these things does not lessen your love for a child - at any age.

I've found this counselor's blog pretty useful. She shares a lot of real situations on it and this part of her website is all free.

?All of my friends? kids/spouses are successful, mine is struggling. What do I say to them?? |

Peace,

CAPTAINZING2000

I told my son he had to get out of my house 4 years back. He had managed to save money while he was in Afghanistan to buy a small house. He's not talked to me since last summer when, I refused to sign a paper for his AA attendance to help him get his DL back after his 3 DUI's. I couldn't sign any papers cause he wasn't going to meetings...

It's tough I feel for you.

maia1234

Jb,
Here is something that I copied from SR and reread all the time, I hope it helps.

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Hugs my friend!!

LexieCat

Especially hard for parents, I think, to let go.

Just sending you a hug. I think you are doing the very best you can for your son, yourself, and the rest of your family.

seek

Priscilla84 - that is an awesome list! How do you handle the guilt though? What techniques do you or others use? Thanks

Priscilla84

My addict is not my child, so I'm sure my guilt isn't as bad as it would be in that instance. I've never felt any guilt about him facing consequences like losing his job or not having money. My guilt comes from feeling like I'm emotionally cold to him and not there supporting him emotionally. Since I heard that list two weeks ago I've been running through it any time I feel like reaching out to him, and that usually helps me. Doesn't mean I won't cave one of these days, but I've caved before and always end up feeling punched in the gut. Remembering that feeling helps me refrain as well. Whenever I've tried to help I haven't been able to achieve that goal because he won't accept it, and I always end up miserable. It's an exercise in futility, I must remind myself every day.

Liveitwell

Jonbald-just wabted to send another round of support your way. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but I do want to just say that I wish there were more parents like you....and Captain above. You are doing the right thing....and remember the right thing and the easy thing are seldom the same thing.

jonbald

Thank you for all the responses. My son, Russ, has decided to start attending AA meetings in a nearby city and has got a roommate to help with expenses. Let's wish him luck.