NolaSaints

Hello,
I've been lurking here awhile and this is my first post. I've been with my husband for 16 years, found out in 2007 that he's an alcoholic. Looking back at all the red flags I think he's been one since before we met. He had been hiding his drinking. In 2007 I thought we could fix it, that I could "fix" him. We did couples therapy with three different therapists (had to keep switching because he didn't like any of them), group therapy, one stint in out patient rehab, and a handful of AA meetings. His drinking has progressed tremendously, but he is still functioning. No DUIs and no missed work. He has become abusive. Extreme verbal/emotional abuse, financial abuse, and physical abuse about five times. Years ago we were in the true cycle of abuse where there would be an incident, blow up, apology, honeymoon period, and then repeat. Now there are no apologies, no honeymoon period. We don't make eye contact, barely speak to each other. Haven't slept in the same bed in three years.

We have a three year old daughter and the abuse got worse after we had her. The company I worked for went out of business and I was laid off the day after I had my daughter. The jobs I was finding would have had me barely breaking even after paying for daycare and we decided that I would stay home with her. The financial abuse/control issues have been tremendous due to that. That's when the abuse got worse.

Which brings me to now. I'm planning on using our tax refund to file for divorce as soon as I get it. I'm scared because our house is in his name, the car is in his name, and I have no job. He's threatened to quit his job once I file so he doesn't have to pay me anything even though he says he wants a divorce too. At this point though I can't let my daughter grow up in this environment.

I'm also terrified of him getting any unsupervised time with her or her being in a car with him. In three years he has never once heard her cry at night because he's passed out. I can never leave her alone with him.

I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement or words of wisdom. I really don't have any support system other than a couple of friends. My family has passed away and his family stopped talking to me after I told them he was abusive.

Also, how to understand why he is so angry at me. Just furious and has nothing, but contempt for me. It's like someone cheating on you and then blaming you for them cheating. It's hard to wrap my head around. This whole experience has changed me, wrecked my self-esteem, made me doubt my judgment, my anxiety is through the roof. I just want my old self back. And peace for myself and my daughter.

Thank you for reading!

Seren

Hello NolaSaints,

Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry to read such a sad story, but, then again, it is an all-too-familiar one around here.

I am happy to hear you are taking steps to improve your life and that of your child--that shows a real courage!!

There are many here who will be able to share with you their experiences in divorcing an active alcoholic when there are children involved. I recommend you document everything you can and open your own safe deposit box in which to keep important papers. You might also be able to obtain a free, initial consultation with an attorney. That way, you can begin to understand what is ahead of you without waiting for a tax return.

Probably most important, do not discuss any of your plans going forward with him as it can be used against you since he has the history of abuse.

I know, ray of sunshine, right? The sunshine is: You can have peace again! Please keep posting, keep reading. One foot in front of the other! I hope that today dawns just a bit brighter!!

Lilro

Good Morning Nola

My advice would be to get a consult with an attorney BEFORE you spend any of the tax money. You may need some of that to move.
One step at a time. Keep your plans to yourself until you know what it is you are doing.
Chin up! Good luck. Keep us posted.
Ro

mylifeismine

Hugs and prayers to you Nola, you will get lots of valuable
info here that will really really help you get through to a safe
and peaceful life for you & your child. You may have found this
thread, and it has lots of good info.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

LexieCat

Yes, see the attorney first. You don't have to file for divorce to move out. A lawyer can give you advice about how to protect your children. And newsflash for him--quitting his job doesn't get him off the hook for child support.

Even before you call the lawyer, though, call your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. You can file for a protective order based on the history of abuse, which would require HIM to move out and to have NO CONTACT with you. You and your child could stay put for now. The order will require him to make payments to support the child and also require him to continue to make mortgage and utility payments.

You don't have to file any criminal charges to get an order (although, of course, that's an option if you choose to pursue it). And even if you aren't sure whether you want an order, or decide against it, the advocate can still help you put a safety plan into place.

And again, do not discuss ANY of your plans with him. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for many years, and leaving the relationship can be a dangerous time. If you plan carefully, though, and get good guidance and advice, you will be giving yourself and your child a wonderful gift of freedom and safety.

Hangnbyathread

When you leave, you take anything you can that you will need to live. Anything you don't take you probably won't ever see again. So take it all when you can.

Any accounts that are jointly held, take as much money out of them as you like/want/can. Gives you resources to fight with, and takes resources way from him. Remember he is making money, you are not.

When you file, you file for alimony, child support, full use and possession of marital home and maintenance of that home. Ask for it temporarily. Usually the woman in your position (no job,income, etc.) the courts will allow that until the final judgment happens (way down the road).

Yes he will be pissed. So what. He is already pissed. You may as well try and get some leverage on him as hard and as early as you can. For you it will be emotional. For him it will be about $$.

Get his attention early on by making this cost him $$$ from the start.

Then be prepared to see him lie about pretty much everything in the process going forward.

dandylion

NolaSaints....You are getting sound advice from the previous posters. I can only underline what they have said. They come form a strong background of dealing with situations such as yours.....

I think it is soo important to get all of the help and support from everywhere and anywhere you can get it!!
The more help you are willing to seek and accept---the easier it makes your journey.....
There are options; there is help if you accept it......
There is a path out of your situation....

First baby steps.....talk to lawyer---to get information
Talk to domestic abuse counselors---to get information
After all, knowledge is power!

There is a website: WomansDivorce.com. It is sorted by state, and covers just about every issue that can come up in divorce.
While is is NOT a substitute for your own lawyer....it is very educational in nature.....

Again....keep a low profile....don't reveal any of your plans. Don't forget to erase your search history on your computer.

How does a jug fill with water?.....a single drop at a time.....

dandylion

bluebird418

I really feel for you here. I have a 3 year old myself with my xAH and I will be honest leaving him was absolute hell and one of the scariest times of my life. I think it's very sensitive when there's physical abuse involved to tell someone what to do but I will say what I did/wish I would have done.

You have gotten a lot of sound advice above. Get a lawyer if you can, talk to a domestic violence advocate at the local police station and get in touch with a women's shelter if you have no where to go.

I planned months in advance that I was going to leave my abusve xAH. I was afraid he would harm me or my daughter (who was about 7 months at the time). I got a job saved etc and then went to a safe place with my daughter and told him it was over. In my case the house was in my name so I got him removed. With your situation I would listen to the above about what you need to file. What I WISH I had done is keep more information. Text messages emails calls letters. Anything and everything that can prove he is dangerous around you and your child is vital. He's going to lie and say anything he can to try and claw his way out of this so the more proof you have the better.
As far as visitation is concerned my heart hurts for you because I know how scary that is. I don't know where you live and the laws and all that. My ex as crazy as he is doesn't have visitation right now because I don't feel it is safe even though technically he does. Don't be afraid to withhold your child from him and argue your case later if you feel they wouldn't be safe. My experience has been if you can show that you truly felt it was in the best interest of the child you won't get in trouble for it. What they don't want to see is that you are angry or spiteful.

I wish you safety and peace and when the time comes, a good judge.

hopeful4

Hello and Welcome.

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but am so glad you are here. You are not alone!

I would also like to make sure you have the number of the National Abuse Hotline which is 800-799-7233. I encourage you to call as there will be an advocate who can help you going forward and making plans. I also encourage the call to any local ones. Advocates work at these places who are wonderful, helpful, and completely confidential. They will not push you or require anything of you.

I would definitely have a small nest egg if possible, if not, that's ok too. Get copies of every single document and get the originals out of the house if possible. Take extra keys and an extra phone. Have bags packed for both of you just in case. Keep it in your trunk if need be. There is an app called Aspire, it's free, get it on your phone. It will let you put in emergency info, and immediately start recording in the background of your phone if need be, and he cannot see it.

Document EVERY SINGLE THING. Take photos. Speak to an attorney and get advise as they will be the most familiar with your local judges and know what to expect in your situation. They will usually consult for free, or the local shelters will also have people they can put you in touch with.

Above all else, take good care of you and your little one. You both deserve more than this. I know it's a scary process, but the more info you have, the more in control you will feel of your situation.

Many, many warm hugs.

lillamy

You've gotten good legal advice.
I have some "other" advice:
Plan but try to not worry. That is, start thinking about how you're going to find childcare when you get a job, and where you can start looking for jobs -- but don't panic about "what if I don't?" because... (drumroll, please)

...the most important gift you can give your daughter is for her to NOT have to grow up with an alcoholic parent.

My children were all older when I left their alcoholic father, and they all have the emotional scars to prove it. Deep ones.

NolaSaints

Thank you, everyone for the replies.

This past Sunday my husband blew up over something small, left and went to stay with his brother and wife. Today he came home to tell me he has an appointment with a lawyer on Saturday and planning to file. Also said that "everyone he knows" is encouraging him to go for 50/50 custody, but he's "probably" not going to do that. We had previously decided that I would have full custody and he would get supervised visits. He was in full agreenent. Now I feel like I need to scramble to get my own lawyer. She's $1500 and I won't have that until I get my tax refund--just filed today. I'm trying not to panic, but I am. Heart racing, hands shaking.

He said that he's an alcoholic because of me, that I make him drink, that when he leaves me he'll be able to get sober. He was talking to me with no emotion just complete coldness.

I realized today I never got to say goodbye to the nice him. The man I married. I miss my old friend. Have no idea who he is now.

Seren

I'm so sorry, but yes, it is time to 'lawyer up'.

I can't speak to custody issues, but I do want to address this:

Really, if you were powerful enough to 'make him drink', then you would be powerful enough to make him stop. None of us have the power to make an active alcoholic or addict stop. That is an inside job.

You did not Cause his drinking.
You cannot Control his drinking.
You cannot Cure him.

I hope and pray that someday he will really want sobriety more than anything else--for his sake and for your child's sake.

Hang in there!

Readreadread

Remember, when he is emotional abusive to you, it is harder for you to think clearly. This is why it is called abuse.
Telling you it's your fault that he drinks is so childish and immature. He is emotionally abusing you to keep you stuck. As with my exah, he would rather be drinking thank taking care of a toddler, so yours is most likely all talk, he just wants to make your head spin. What helped me is protecting myself and my daughter with an invisible force filed every time we were exposed to him. Please have the child support directly go through the child support dispersement unit, garnish his wages asap. He will try to control you with money because he knows this is scary for you. He will not quit his job. I read once most alcoholics lose their job or their family. Mine lost his family. Your husband is not the man that you once knew and he may never be. It is up to him to fight his demons. Please post any time to ask questions and listen. There is a lot of wisdom here and I wish I had listened to some of the advice more clearly. For me it was hard to hear it at the time. Go easy on yourself, you are going through a lot. It is ok to cry, but love yourself and your daughter more, you and her deserve more than this. Peace is priceless.

Bekindalways

Big big hug to you Nola. I don't know much about the legal aspects but the pain of losing someone to addiction I do know way too well.

Please, please find all the support you can whether legal or otherwise. Have you been to an alanon meeting?

bluebird418

Understanding the person you married and the alcoholic are one in the same is very difficult. I still find my self thinking, if he was still the guy i fell in love with...well they are. They are whoever they present themselves to be and that is what you have to listen and respond to.

Best advice I can give you while you go through this as hard as it may be, is take what he says about your divorce, custody issues etc with a grain of salt. He could easily be trying to manipulate you and tell you things you want to hear, and then hit you with a full custody suit youre not prepared for. My ex agreed to me having custody and then tried to get 50/50 in court-it didnt work, but just saying; keep your eyes open. I am not trying to scare you but addicts/abusers can be like that. Additionally, he says he is going to file etc. Please talk to a lawyer asap, you want to be careful about staying ahead of what he is going to do.
When this happened to me I went into survival mode, and every move I made was for my safety and my DDs safety. I stopped thinking about the marriage or the relationship, everything was calculated, and for me I think thats the only way I could get out safely.

Hangnbyathread

I am going to excerpt 2 segments of your post and then tell you.....we have been here...exactly here....and we know how this goes. This board is full of stories that are yours. One of the most valuable things I learned in recovery is, our situation isn't unique. Addicts follow almost textbook paths. Most of us here have read this book now. So time to let us help you.

When I met my g/f, the reasons she tried in earnest to have me was as she put it. I was confident, I was at peace, I knew my strengths and weaknesses, I had a good heart, I felt good about myself, I treated others with compassion. I was stable. I was peaceful.

And I was all of those.

By the time we broke up, I was in therapy for depression, PTSD, sleep problems, lack of self esteem, sexual dysfunction, lack of empathy, trust issues.......I was a mess.

There was a telling moment that AHA moment when my therapist, after months of therapy put it very bluntly yet correctly. Did I have any of these issues prior to this relationship I was in? **BLINK* *BLINK*....that little crack of lightning goes off........hmmmmm....no actually no that you ask me to think about it, I didn't. My therapist happened to know a lot about addictions.

Did I give any though that maybe my partner had an addiction? Until that time, I never viewed the drinking as an addiction. I knew she liked to drink, I had asked her to stop, and I simply got away from here when she did it. It was, on the surface, a pretty easy way to deal with it. I didn't view it as an addiction. I didn't know.

And this is when I began to unravel the whole fact that I had been living with and dealing with an addict in my life. I just had never been around one, so I was simply ignorant. I owe my sanity to therapy. Once that light went off...and I agreed that maybe there was an addiction, my therapist essentially said, look this is how they take others down. They chip away at all the foundation you have that is good, so that you can be a mess like them, so that you won't care as much as to the standard you expect of them.

That was the first door out for me.

Let me save you a ton of time. And I have told others here this. Not as a way to patronize them, but as a wake up call. Take off your rose colored glasses, put on your big girl panties, make a plan....and get the H out.

No excuses, no I can't because, or maybe next month. If you are unable to clean out a joint account, go to a shelter, a friend, a family member with nothing. It will be better than staying in the direction this is headed.

Now.....you can try and rationalize this, or convince us all you want why you will be different. I won't be responding. I have heard all of that, more times than you can count. It is nothing more than you trying to talk yourself out of it.

Sister....I was as guilty of this as you are going to try to be. I came here the same as you did. For the same reasons you did. Knew I was smart enough to find some way to save a ship that was taking on water faster than I can bail.

There is another user here that used the term.....and it fits perfectly.

You are on the Titanic, re-arranging deck furniture, while the ship is sinking. The ship is going to sink, no matter what you want to do with the furniture.

Grab your life jacket and start swimming.

You need to stop dwelling or thinking about this. This one thing is what keeps them in our lives longer than we should. We keep hoping, they will come back. Some do. But you have a low probability they will be back. I am as guilty as you are looking back. I wanted the girl I loved to come back. I tried everything to see if she was there. This plays right into the manipulation. I'll be better if.......Or if you wouldn't do this, I wouldn't do that......or You made me do this....or...It isn't my fault I have a disease......or....the list will never end. You think you can check one off and they add 3 more.

If you can't swim.....learn.......learn now.

maia1234

Nola,
Welcome to SR. I agree with all the other posters, protect yourself and baby Nola. Get the bag packed and ready. Make those copies and tuck them a way Try and put some money a side while you can. There is hope and support for you, just reach out. First visits to the lawyers are free. Go to many if you need too. Ask all the questions, then pick the one that will support you the best.

We are here for you, 24 hours a day. Ask away, read about addiction. Its a horrible disease that happens to the people we love. You are a BRAVE MOM that would protect your child at all costs, so that means you can do anything.

Hugs my friend we are here to support you and get you through this.

HHTexas

Thank you thank you thank you for this reassurance I'm doing the right thing. My parents worry so much about DS. I keep telling them he's better off without the psycho A father!

An to the OP, I'm right there just half a step ahead of you. You. Can. Do. This. You deserve much much better!!

Bekindalways

Hey Nola and HH, I hope you both are doing what you need to do to take care of yourselves and your children. Big hug to you both!

NolaSaints

I've been to one meeting, but felt like it wasn't a good fit. Going to try again.