Rough Week
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Rough Week
Hi,
Had a busy rough week. Went to court on Wednesday. Been unpacking all week. That job seems endless.
Went to the grocery store today with my daughter. Had a meltdown. All I could think of was I'm only shopping for me.
I then have friends telling me, you definitely will have someone in your life again. I tell them, I really don't think so. Don't ever want to feel this kind of pain again.
I see how this move has effected my 2 dogs. It's sad, don't think my ah will ever realize the enormity of what is happening. I guess my ah hasn't had to make any changes in his life. He's living in our house. Didn't have to pack, and pay a moving company. My ah didn't have to deal with 2 dogs, trying to adjust to a big change.
But my ah will blame me for everything bad that is happening. None of it is his fault.
I resent him and his disease for taking my life away.
Will my ah ever realize the part he played in the demise of our marriage. I think my ah lawyer said what my ah is thinking. Since my brain issue, I have had a change in my personality. My ah feels this was why the marriage deteriorated over many years. Funny though, my ah wanted desperately to start a business with me, only 4 months ago. Didn't even file for divorce till Feb. 11th. That was only 3 weeks ago.
I just want my ah to feel some of the pain I'm feeling.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
Sorry, just venting. Again, I know, trying to make an illogical, irrational situation make sense.
Had a busy rough week. Went to court on Wednesday. Been unpacking all week. That job seems endless.
Went to the grocery store today with my daughter. Had a meltdown. All I could think of was I'm only shopping for me.
I then have friends telling me, you definitely will have someone in your life again. I tell them, I really don't think so. Don't ever want to feel this kind of pain again.
I see how this move has effected my 2 dogs. It's sad, don't think my ah will ever realize the enormity of what is happening. I guess my ah hasn't had to make any changes in his life. He's living in our house. Didn't have to pack, and pay a moving company. My ah didn't have to deal with 2 dogs, trying to adjust to a big change.
But my ah will blame me for everything bad that is happening. None of it is his fault.
I resent him and his disease for taking my life away.
Will my ah ever realize the part he played in the demise of our marriage. I think my ah lawyer said what my ah is thinking. Since my brain issue, I have had a change in my personality. My ah feels this was why the marriage deteriorated over many years. Funny though, my ah wanted desperately to start a business with me, only 4 months ago. Didn't even file for divorce till Feb. 11th. That was only 3 weeks ago.
I just want my ah to feel some of the pain I'm feeling.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
Sorry, just venting. Again, I know, trying to make an illogical, irrational situation make sense.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon....I understand your pain and your grief.....and, it is good to get I t out...so, vent...vent...vent.....
Don't forget, though....your short-term pain, right now----is going to prevent you long-term pain, later....
dandylion
Don't forget, though....your short-term pain, right now----is going to prevent you long-term pain, later....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Like Dandy said, "vent . . . vent . . . vent". It is what we are here for.
Let all the anger, resentment and despair come on in and then let it go. This is good healthy, active grieving and absolutely essential towards healing. And man oh man every single one of us here knows how much it SUCKS!
May every angel swarm you at this difficult time Zircon. This is really, really rough stuff you are going through!
Let all the anger, resentment and despair come on in and then let it go. This is good healthy, active grieving and absolutely essential towards healing. And man oh man every single one of us here knows how much it SUCKS!
May every angel swarm you at this difficult time Zircon. This is really, really rough stuff you are going through!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hey Z? Ya know what? I had a bowl of cereal for dinner tonight! Yup!
Believe me, once the dust settles and you can finally relax in your new place you will be grateful at times that you don't have to worry about feeding anyone but YOU. My son is with his Dad this weekend and honestly I know it sounds a bit selfish but.....I love it!
You'll get there ..... Until then, deep breath, you are doing great!
Believe me, once the dust settles and you can finally relax in your new place you will be grateful at times that you don't have to worry about feeding anyone but YOU. My son is with his Dad this weekend and honestly I know it sounds a bit selfish but.....I love it!
You'll get there ..... Until then, deep breath, you are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Zircon 
I just want my ah to feel some of the pain I'm feeling.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
Just try to keep in mind that the desires you project out to the world are the same as the emotional energy that you inflict upon yourself. If you wish for someone to suffer, you end up filling your head with negative energy and thus cause suffering upon yourself. If you wish for peace and harmony in the world around you, you can clear your mind. A mind is sort of like a glass: when it is full, it must be emptied before it can be used for something else. When it is empty, it can be filled with anything. A full mind has purpose. An empty mind has potential.
Act without acting
Serve without serving
Taste without tasting
Map difficult through easy
Approach great through narrow.
The most difficult things in the world
Must be accomplished through the easiest.
The greatest things in the world
Must be accomplished through the smallest.
Therefore the Sage
Never attempts great things
And so accomplishes them.
Quick promises
Serve without serving
Taste without tasting
Big, little,
Many, few -
Repay hatred with Te. (virtue, or right action)Many, few -
Map difficult through easy
Approach great through narrow.
The most difficult things in the world
Must be accomplished through the easiest.
The greatest things in the world
Must be accomplished through the smallest.
Therefore the Sage
Never attempts great things
And so accomplishes them.
Quick promises
Mean little trust.
Everything easyMeans great difficulty.
Thus for the SageEverything is difficult,
And so in the endNothing is difficult.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by Zircon
I just want my ah to feel some of the pain I'm feeling.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
This is really bad, but I hope someday, someone hurts him, and he finally feels this kind of pain.
I've forged out a pretty good relationship with my XAH, but I'm still stymied at how clueless he is to the devastation that he's caused. Especially with his daughter. His drinking has caused an f-ed up reality, and he drinks to blot out that reality that his drinking has caused.
Wishing him to see it is an exersise in futility, and my progress (yours too probably) is not well served by wasting that kind of time. I've chosen to let it go. At least I try....... Sometimes I succeed.
Now, wishing him to be stung by a nest of wasps on his wee wee, or supremely humiliated in any other public kind of way, that's still on the table. But, I've accepted that he's never going to know or feel what his daughter and I feel. If he was capable of that it never would have happened.
Also, Zircon, I just wanted to let you know that I've cried in the grocery store for that exact reason. I think those poor grocery store people must see it all the time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm with SeriousKarma on this one. The grocery store folks are used to seeing it all. I'm recently widowed...so crying in the grocery store is pretty normal for me, now.
I understand that pain, and I'm so sorry. As long as he's active in his alcoholism, he will blame anyone and everyone else but himself. But just because he says the refrigerator is purple doesn't mean that it is. I mean, you are standing there, looking at your fridge...and it's NOT purple, right? The truth is something he may never face, but in your heart and mind, you know it.
I hope that this morning dawns just a little bit brighter for you!
I understand that pain, and I'm so sorry. As long as he's active in his alcoholism, he will blame anyone and everyone else but himself. But just because he says the refrigerator is purple doesn't mean that it is. I mean, you are standing there, looking at your fridge...and it's NOT purple, right? The truth is something he may never face, but in your heart and mind, you know it.
I hope that this morning dawns just a little bit brighter for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Fellow grocery store crier here, many times over many years for many reasons--in the dog food aisle b/c my dog had died, by the coffee/cocoa b/c my sis who died of breast cancer at 37 used to love Omanhene chocolate, near the deli b/c XAH sure did like his Sunday ham and hard rolls, on and on...I'm sure it's b/c food is so closely tied to love and nurturing that we find these emotions coming out so strongly in the grocery store.
Hilarious^^, SK!
^^ Love this too, Dandy--am going to add it to my own list if you don't mind.
Z, I think your friends think they are being comforting by telling you there will be someone else in your life again. In your shoes, I think I'd tell them that right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, and starting another relationship is not anywhere on my horizon at this moment. Many other important things to take care of first!
I understand the feeling of vengefulness and anger. I had a lot of that too, but once he moved out and contact has mostly ceased, I feel it a lot less. As I said above, there are too many other things to do, both necessary things and fun things, to be wasting much time on thinking about him at all, negatively or positively.
Give yourself some time. Be gentle w/yourself. As you work on yourself and take care of yourself, I think forgiveness will come--but it IS going to take time and healing for you to be able to feel it. And to quote one of my favorite SR sayings, "Time takes time!" One day, one step, one minute at a time, doing the best you can in each minute.
I wanted to mention that I have 2 dogs too. In fact, after XAH and I were divorced, he asked to continue living in the upper unit of my house and I said yes partly b/c of the dogs--they are 12 and 13 and I didn't want to leave them alone for the duration of an entire workday. When things reached the point where I had to ask him to leave, I was worried as to how things would work out. I've found a way to deal w/occasional "accidents" (confined them to the living room and put down several washable human bed pads, which is actually working really well!). The terrier mix idolizes XAH and has been anxious since he left, but I try to give her extra love and affection, and I think she's coming around. They are resilient and adaptable--they'll be OK. You and I are lucky to have our animal friends to help us thru these hard times--I can't imagine what things would be like w/o my warm, silly canines!
You'll be OK. Go buy yourself some spring flowers, maybe tulips or daffodils, and enjoy your day as best you can. You're never alone...
Now, wishing him to be stung by a nest of wasps on his wee wee, or supremely humiliated in any other public kind of way, that's still on the table.
"The sun don't shine on one dog's a** forever!"
Z, I think your friends think they are being comforting by telling you there will be someone else in your life again. In your shoes, I think I'd tell them that right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, and starting another relationship is not anywhere on my horizon at this moment. Many other important things to take care of first!
I understand the feeling of vengefulness and anger. I had a lot of that too, but once he moved out and contact has mostly ceased, I feel it a lot less. As I said above, there are too many other things to do, both necessary things and fun things, to be wasting much time on thinking about him at all, negatively or positively.
Give yourself some time. Be gentle w/yourself. As you work on yourself and take care of yourself, I think forgiveness will come--but it IS going to take time and healing for you to be able to feel it. And to quote one of my favorite SR sayings, "Time takes time!" One day, one step, one minute at a time, doing the best you can in each minute.
I wanted to mention that I have 2 dogs too. In fact, after XAH and I were divorced, he asked to continue living in the upper unit of my house and I said yes partly b/c of the dogs--they are 12 and 13 and I didn't want to leave them alone for the duration of an entire workday. When things reached the point where I had to ask him to leave, I was worried as to how things would work out. I've found a way to deal w/occasional "accidents" (confined them to the living room and put down several washable human bed pads, which is actually working really well!). The terrier mix idolizes XAH and has been anxious since he left, but I try to give her extra love and affection, and I think she's coming around. They are resilient and adaptable--they'll be OK. You and I are lucky to have our animal friends to help us thru these hard times--I can't imagine what things would be like w/o my warm, silly canines!
You'll be OK. Go buy yourself some spring flowers, maybe tulips or daffodils, and enjoy your day as best you can. You're never alone...
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Go buy yourself some spring flowers, maybe tulips or daffodils, and enjoy your day as best you can. You're never alone...
Zircon, don't discount these little tricks to get you out of the blues. Spring is almost here, and you can use the lengthening days, warming weather, and blossoming nature as a tool. I know I'm sounding all hippy-dippy here, but don't let the significance of a "new world" be lost on you. You are being reborn too. It's a painful process, but beautiful in the end. (Dear God, that really sounds syrupy.) If you're Christian you can use the significance of Easter to move you forward. If not, then just look around you.
In the meantime, as said before, be gentle with yourself. It hasn't even been a week since you went to court.
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Grocery store crier here too. We lost all 3 of our children (cats) last year and it took me a while to be able to go down the pet aisle , which also has laundry supplies, with out crying.
The nicest people are in grocery stores. I don't know what the deal is - there has never been a time that someone didn't stop and share a hug, or talk with me.
As for his pain, in truth you don't know what he is feeling. Change is change even for alcoholics. I imagine the house is lonely and quiet, and filled with memories. I would much rather be you than him trying to make sense of the same place minus the person in it. I have had to live through that before and all I can say is - at least the grocery store has a conclusion. Its very hard to make new memories in the same environment. It takes a looooooong time. You are at an advantage to him in your new place.
Since alcoholics blame shift and deny for most of their drinking lives, he would never tell you what he feels anyway as long as he is drinking. His thought process is skewed, and its absolutely necessary to maintain the sham that his drinking was not a problem - gotta protect numero uno.
I imagine just being an active alcoholic is very painful in itself.
The nicest people are in grocery stores. I don't know what the deal is - there has never been a time that someone didn't stop and share a hug, or talk with me.
As for his pain, in truth you don't know what he is feeling. Change is change even for alcoholics. I imagine the house is lonely and quiet, and filled with memories. I would much rather be you than him trying to make sense of the same place minus the person in it. I have had to live through that before and all I can say is - at least the grocery store has a conclusion. Its very hard to make new memories in the same environment. It takes a looooooong time. You are at an advantage to him in your new place.
Since alcoholics blame shift and deny for most of their drinking lives, he would never tell you what he feels anyway as long as he is drinking. His thought process is skewed, and its absolutely necessary to maintain the sham that his drinking was not a problem - gotta protect numero uno.
I imagine just being an active alcoholic is very painful in itself.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I cry in the grocery myself! We are a new club! I agree with the springtime activities I went and bought some new panties for my front porch and it gives me a little bit of happiness when I come in the door! I understand completely where you're coming from and I'm sending you hugs and love and healing! I'm just taking one hour at a time one day at a time! We can do this we can get through the hard part hopefully there is peace and serenity for us on the other side!
RedHeadSusie....."new panties for my front porch".......really?.......
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Especially the part about getting "a little happiness when I come in the door."
I keep thinking about the happiness of the folks walking down the street past the house...
I vote this the best typo in recent memory.
I keep thinking about the happiness of the folks walking down the street past the house...
I vote this the best typo in recent memory.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I vote this the best typo in recent memory.
Heck, I think we should vote it best new tradition! I'm running out to buy me a pair of porch panties as soon as I get off of the computer!
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