lostangel011

For the first time ever when my husband said he was done with me I felt relief not fear. Don't get me wrong I was also humiliated and angry that I ended up being the one who was told to leave when I should have left him a long time ago. My stepson who I thought I needed to protect sided with his dad and said I'm evil and crazy and even then I felt relief.. That I don't have to stay for him anymore.

Of course he's still here sleeping on the couch telling me if I want him back I need to sincerely apologize for my control, anger, manipulation and mistrust and over all humiliation and emasculation of him. The lease is in my name as are the auto loans so he can sleep on the couch till May 24th when our lease ends. I'll get help from my mom with rent till then. Give back MY car and motorcycle he drives since I'm still in bankruptcy and can walk away. I'm not going to beg him to stay because I actually feel it's better if he leaves. At least I wasn't the one who gave up. As humiliating as it is to be dumped and aggravating that he gets to play victim I know if he really goes I'll get to be me again and feel safe again.

I so want to go stay with my mom till June and I probably will if he still is like this and continues to disrespect me but not until I have made sure my assets are safe, I have a moving truck ready and a real plan.

Who knows if tomorrow it will be the same apology. He threw his ring In The bushes outside the restaurant tonight and said I need to go. He can't take my abuse anymore. I did not feel the need to beg, I felt free. Doesn't meN tomorrow I won't change my mind either but I see a better tomorrow when it does finally end and I think I'm finally ready to make real steps towards that with my finances getting my sucks in that row.

I'm furious with him and the kid for calling me the mean controlling one.. And yeah I'm angry a lot and a bit insane these days but **** it hurts my ego but if they want to feel they are the victims of me who does their every whim then maybe that's a sign I'm better off without them afterall.

Seren

I'm so sorry for what happened! Perhaps you can use that anger to your advantage--to motivate you to do what you need to build a new and more peaceful, joy-filled life for yourself. Forgive me for not knowing the whole story, but have you taken the time to speak with an attorney yet so that you know where you stand financially? I think that may be a wise move, regardless of whether you follow through or not.

dandylion

lostangel.....once, a long time ago, when I had a verrry painful break-up with a boyfriend (we had planned on getting married at one time).......it was very comforting when I was able to think...."He isn't enough for me/he is not what I need".......
We all need to feel respected and heard---to know that we matter! If a person can't (for whatever reason).....then they aren't enough for us.....
Love doesn't hurt this bad.....

dandylion

Ariesagain

I've been thinking about you...thank you for checking in.

I'm so glad to hear that you may be on your way to a better life. If he escalates the "I'm leaving" drama, can you have something ready for him to sign regarding your assets or otherwise solidify the separation before he crashes again? Then go to your mom's and get some peace.

I hear resolve and some hope in your post. Good for you!

Bekindalways

I can only believe there is a better and more peaceful life for you outside of this relationship. Although it is so ding dang blasted hard to pull the plug on a marriage.

Peace, courage and strength to you Lostangel.

Liveitwell

Angel-just sending you hugs and prayers for peace right now. Your anger is warranted and please get it out. You will be ok.

amy55

Angel,

You are sounding so much better and stronger today.

(((((many hugs)))))))
amy

redatlanta

A typical example of alcoholic thinking. You are angry and controlling. You aren't an easy person for HIM to live with.

There is a seldom a connection with A's that their behavior and addiction has anything to do with whom you have become, and how you survive. They see their drinking/drug use as a non-issue personality trait that might be irritating, but is no worse than someone who leaves their clothes in a pile on the floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket. Denial, and blame shifting. The never ending Straw Man's Argument.

Feeling free when he said "leave" is good. Maintain your current course and plan. I suggest limiting conversation with him, or being drawn into an argument or starting one yourself. Probably best to move to your mom's as soon as you can before he realizes he has released his codependent enabler to a much better life, and starts being "Mr. Nice Guy".

Liveitwell

^ yep-everything Red said. Funny how we are all angry and controlling. Alcoholic playbook 101. My ex did the same thing-when pushed or confronted with awful incidents of abuse, he would quickly point out that I did not put the dishes on the correct side of the sink, thereby his deplorable behavior no worse than my forgetting the dishes. Truly mind boggling and made me crazy for years. Don't bite-and don't buy into his mr nice guy act-you know he isn't a nice guy to you.

lostangel011

I'm NOT buying into any act. I'm walking on eggshells and he's volatile and in bully mode "thinking" he set precedent that if I want him to stay I'll go by his terms. I don't want conflict and it's not comfortable here. I need to be thoughtful about this and plan correctly I can't leave yet... It will make it a war to separate so I need to be quiet and sad and carefully disengage, get my ducks in a row and start planning for my finances and future.

Right now I'm angry at him and more angry at the kid who is playing on daddy's sympathies so he can play poor baby and get away without mean mom making him do chores and homework. **** it! I give up. He wants to get F's in school cause video games are more fun then I wash my hands. It's his future and his dad's burden. Dad got a GED so why does DS need a diploma or college or a work ethic. "He's smart" that's enough (I say with dripping with sarcasm). Play poor baby mom is soooo strict with us. He's pissing me off and I'm starting to hate him more than his dad and that's tearing me apart but if I don't care anymore it makes me feel less of the obligation and guilt.

I'm just angry and in a bad situation walking on eggshells and making some poor choices to keep peace so it will be easier to separate later. I can go now and have a harder war later but since I'm used to it now I'm planning and thinking and trying to disengage, care less, detach (subtly) while I see what the future needs to look like. Calling a lawyer tomorrow and seeing what I can and can't do. When the motorcycle gets taken away in a month it will get ugly but maybe I can find a softer path for that after talking to the lawyer. I'm thinking have him take over the note since th BK will allow that. (Tell him it's a good move so he can rebuild his score too with a bike note in good standing all his own) I don't care if he has it I just dont want financial responsibility for it. Anyway that's where I am. Not happy, angry, resentful and uncomfortable. I have faith though that whatever happens even if my world gets rocked and my plan blows up in the end I'll be okay. I trust God and I have a loving family, I'm a capable woman and all in all a future alone no matter how it transpires is better.. But I'm treading lightly for now cause it's easiest.

Ariesagain

An old expression from my corporate life comes to mind..."Keep your head down and your butt covered."

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do and if anger helps, use it for motivation. It's sad that the son is at least for now Dad II, but if it makes it easier for you to save your own life, hey, silver lining, right?

Rooting for you...

amy55

Angel what I got from this was that you are living in the DMZ zone. I lived there also. Yes you have to disengage carefully. I really do think you understand the situation a lot better then most, just have to say that what you wrote there, does get me worried for you. "We" don't want a war. You are correct, sometimes we have to pretend things are OK. We need to get our ducks in a row, regardless of their quacking.

((((hugs)))))
Now going to read the rest of your message.

amy,

remember, here for you, like others here also.

Hangnbyathread

Let me help you feel better.

By the time I knew we were over, it didn't matter to me what she called me, said to me, accused me of or told others about me, as long as she was out of my life.

That's how bad it got.

And within a few months you will forget all that was said and still not care because you will have peace and stability back in your life.

amy55

OK, now, look at this. I wouldn't be angry at the kid. I forgot how long you were married. Your AH has been messing up this kid for a really long time. I think I remember that you aren't married for all that long, and your son, is your step-son, and the mother abandoned him. I am in no way sticking up for his behavior, I think you know be better then that. I think sometimes it's misplaced anger, like the girls on craigslist, when you were really angry with your H.

You see, we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt and find reasons for the way that they are. I know I did. Can tell you many stories about that.


I am asking only one thing of you tonight. Stay calm. If you need to vent, come here. It seems like things are escalating.

Let me know that you are OK, or if you want to talk, we can talk.

((((((hugs)))))))
amy

lostangel011

I know. I'm just venting here.. Rather than take it out at home. I'm mad but he's still just a boy being a boy and having to deal with all the fighting and in some aspect using it to his advantage. He's only 13 and has been through more than he should. Venting only I promise. I'm not that cold.

It's been a hard day. Some other things going on indirectly and directly related to my situation and on top of everything it's just a very sad day. Too many people hurting... Yesterday looking at a his gun actually gave me a feeling of peace if I were to just go away it would be so easy. I wouldn't have to feel any more and nothing would be my problem. OF COURSE I WOULD NEVER do that but for a split second it sure felt easier... I'm not a danger to myself just sometimes the pain that surrounds us could all be solved if I was gone.. Not so though It would destroy my mom and my family and they are too amazing to hurt for something that I know will pass and I'm too strong to go out that way. It just got sad this weekend for a multitude of things I don't want to get into.

amy55

Angel,

some more story time. I know, there were times that I couldn't get out of my own head. I just wanted, needed to hear someone normal to talk to. Don't know if I am that person. (lol), but it is online, and if you don't want to read, you don't have to.

I remember the years that I either spent the night sleeping in my car, or hiding out in the garage, or sleeping down the basement, all after he went to sleep, except for hiding out in the garage. I know what eggshells feel like. I hated them. Sometimes I felt better when the fight was on, because I already stepped on that eggshell (timebomb). You never know when it is coming.

I'm asking you to just take some deep breaths right now, breathe in, breathe out, you have many people to talk to.

OK?

We can talk about plans or whatever, when you are more calm. I know you might say that you are calm now, but you seem very angry, ( a normal response to what you are going through ), but we need to think responsibly about how to deal with that.

Are you Ok with that?

(((((hugs))))))
amy

amy55

Can you stand anymore stories of mine? I got one for this also.

((((hugs))))))
amy

lostangel011

I'm not calm. I'm pretty haired out right now I admit it. Just reading here to calm down and find some understanding in others stories. Don't want to be alone but mom is busy and not answering and I can't be in my own head so here I am.

lostangel011

Sure

amy55

OK, here it goes. This was actually the second physical attack on me. We moved into our own home in 1994, it was the year of OJ Simpson. But, I'm not talking about that one. I'm talking about the second attack. All I wanted to do was to talk to him about something. Don't remember what, at that time I was not combative. He gave me the silent treatment. I know I got that before, but not to this degree. I remember hiding outside all day long. It was late June, so it was lighter out then. I came into the house at 8pm. He was watching sports. I stood in front of the TV and asked if we could talk.

He ignored me, then he got up, told me I was in the way of the TV, pushed me to the floor, kicked me in the ribs, then threw his full beer glass at me. Glass all over the place. Beer all over me. Screamed at me about how I don't do anything. I was working full time and overtime, and comp hours. Then he went to sleep.

My kids, then ages 10 and 8 helped me clean up the glass and the beer. They went to sleep, and I was so upset, I started doing the wash. My 8 y o daughter came down to the basement at 2 am and asked me not to kill myself. Meaning suicide.

There were so many times that I was looking at telephone poles to drive into, but I heard her voice.

I want you to hear my voice. I think you are the greatest. He is not the person to determine your wealth. You are a beautiful person, and I feel blessed to have met you, even though it is only internet.


((((((hugs))))))
amy