Where do I start?; My story
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Where do I start?; My story
Hello fellow members of sober recovery. I have trying to find an online forum for the longest time where I can share my experiences and get some feedback and support etc. I don't really know where to start, and I find myself wondering how I got here. I would like to share some of my story in hopes others may be to relate, because it is only now I am truly feeling the pain that comes with having loved/love someone with an addiction. It may be important to mention any sort of trigger warnings because my story does contain physical abuse. I apologize for the long winded story.
First things first I am 25 and am a mother to a beautiful 3 year old girl. I was 21 when I met her father, and my now ex husband. Everything seemed so normal at first, we went out to bars, hung out with friends, movies, bowling all sorts of normal couple activities. He was 25 and his behavior seemed normal enough at the time, although I did notice a couple times where he over did it on the drinking. His daily consumption of alcohol wasn't really a concern because at my age pretty much all my friends went out all the time. About 3 months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant. This wasn't particularly good news because it was such a new relationship, I didn't have a job and he had just left his to spend more time with me. However, I felt it was important that I grow up and take responsibility, so together we decided to follow through. Everything began to unravel within a couple weeks. Obviously with me being pregnant I wasnt drinking or going out anymore, but those activities didn't stop for him. He was getting increasingly intoxicated more often. He was more irritable, angrier, more difficult to deal with. At the time we were staying at his parents while he did odd jobs here at there (hes a cook), so we could save money to move into our own place. 7 weeks into the pregnancy (and 2 weeks after I found out), I was hospitalized for having a corpus luteum cyst on my right ovary that had me in extreme pain to the point where I couldnt get out of bed. He didn't want to take me to the hospital, in fact while we were there he left because he was hungry and I can't remember him returning. A few days later he had gone for the day for a job and I was at home, he said he would be home by 8 or 9 pm, by 11pm i began to worry and called him. He answered, obviously drunk and was driving my car back to the house. I was furious, I could barely move and here he was driving my car drunk. When he got home it was clear it was not just alcohol he was on, his parents noted he seemed to be on drugs as well. Against better judgement I followed him, which was more of a hobble, into the basement where we began to argue. He became very angry started to throw things and as I tried to walk up the stairs he grabbed me and pulled me down the flight of stairs. I remember this moment so clearly because I screamed out and looked up at him and didnt see anyone I recognized. This began a long journey of abuse that lasted until I finally left him when my daughter was 6 months old. Every time i left him he promised to get sober, agreed to AA, and I was so convinced the abuse was due to the alcoholism I stayed. Usually it was 3 months of sobriety followed by heavy binge drinking, abuse, apologies etc. But I will never really know if he was sober because I used to find hidden alcohol all over the house. Many times hed come home drunk and deny he had even drank even though he could barely walk to speak. I couldnt, and still cant understand how someone could lie to that extent. There were so many promises made, and all of them broken. It became less about getting him help (his family refused to do an intervention), and more about my safety and my daughters safety. I stopped remembering why I was with him to begin with, stopped caring that he was my daughters father, and became soley focused on how to get out. I was tired of looking out my window at night waiting for his car to pull up, to see how he was driving, to see how he was walking, to know if I had to lock myself and my daughter in her room or not. Eventually I was able to kick him out, only due to police support because he wouldnt leave. Two months later he crashed his car in a DUI.
I want to mention throughout this whole period after we separated he began to deny he had a problem. He said he could control it, that it wasnt an issue, that he could drink by himself and not with our daughter. But I was afraid that he would be negligent so I took him to court for custody. He then accused me of being an addict. I am not here to judge anyone, but I have never used to drugs or been addicted to anything, so the fact that he then put the blame on me was extremely hurtful. Instead of accepting help that everyone was offering he thought it would be better to put the blame on me. I have had to go through extensive lengths to prove to the court I am in fact not an addict. We have been to court 14 times in 19 months. Many of them due to him getting arrested again etc, and me suspending his visitation. For the last 12 months he has a had a SCRAM bracelet to detect alcohol on and as far as I know he has been "sober", although there was one month it wasnt reporting and I havent received reports consistently. In June he begged the court to let him drink again, insisted he didnt have a problem etc, which prompted them to put the bracelet on. Currently I am withholding visits because of his lapse in use of the monitor, he hasnt seen her in 3 months and by the time we get back to court, it will be 5. I offered him visitation back if he got a drug test, did the substance abuse evaluation/treatment that was already court ordered, but he refused; he just wanted to the visitation. He gets it off in 3 weeks and I am terrified, since he absolutely refuses any help. Also note, his family is in total denial of this problem and completely enables him. I am having a very hard time grasping the fact that I cant help him if he wont help himself, and I am only now mourning the loss of our relationship, of our love, and of the family we had together. We finalized our divorce in December. It was signing those papers that made me realize he chose alcohol over his family, over me. I want more than anything, even after all this to get him help, especially for my daughters sake. I have lived in survival mode for so long I just ignored the feelings I had for him to get through it. It has been 1 year since weve spoken (i have a protective order), and as I begin to heal I only feel more hurt that we just werent enough. The little girl I would do anything for isnt enough, but hes unwilling to accept what hes done. I dont know where to go for help, I dont know how to get through this. My anxiety is terrible and I cry every day. Anyone with insight, thoughts, prayers, support or stories would be welcomed. Thank you.
(id like to note on a personal level i was able to start a very successful career, finish school and am in a very healthy stable and loving relationship now)
First things first I am 25 and am a mother to a beautiful 3 year old girl. I was 21 when I met her father, and my now ex husband. Everything seemed so normal at first, we went out to bars, hung out with friends, movies, bowling all sorts of normal couple activities. He was 25 and his behavior seemed normal enough at the time, although I did notice a couple times where he over did it on the drinking. His daily consumption of alcohol wasn't really a concern because at my age pretty much all my friends went out all the time. About 3 months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant. This wasn't particularly good news because it was such a new relationship, I didn't have a job and he had just left his to spend more time with me. However, I felt it was important that I grow up and take responsibility, so together we decided to follow through. Everything began to unravel within a couple weeks. Obviously with me being pregnant I wasnt drinking or going out anymore, but those activities didn't stop for him. He was getting increasingly intoxicated more often. He was more irritable, angrier, more difficult to deal with. At the time we were staying at his parents while he did odd jobs here at there (hes a cook), so we could save money to move into our own place. 7 weeks into the pregnancy (and 2 weeks after I found out), I was hospitalized for having a corpus luteum cyst on my right ovary that had me in extreme pain to the point where I couldnt get out of bed. He didn't want to take me to the hospital, in fact while we were there he left because he was hungry and I can't remember him returning. A few days later he had gone for the day for a job and I was at home, he said he would be home by 8 or 9 pm, by 11pm i began to worry and called him. He answered, obviously drunk and was driving my car back to the house. I was furious, I could barely move and here he was driving my car drunk. When he got home it was clear it was not just alcohol he was on, his parents noted he seemed to be on drugs as well. Against better judgement I followed him, which was more of a hobble, into the basement where we began to argue. He became very angry started to throw things and as I tried to walk up the stairs he grabbed me and pulled me down the flight of stairs. I remember this moment so clearly because I screamed out and looked up at him and didnt see anyone I recognized. This began a long journey of abuse that lasted until I finally left him when my daughter was 6 months old. Every time i left him he promised to get sober, agreed to AA, and I was so convinced the abuse was due to the alcoholism I stayed. Usually it was 3 months of sobriety followed by heavy binge drinking, abuse, apologies etc. But I will never really know if he was sober because I used to find hidden alcohol all over the house. Many times hed come home drunk and deny he had even drank even though he could barely walk to speak. I couldnt, and still cant understand how someone could lie to that extent. There were so many promises made, and all of them broken. It became less about getting him help (his family refused to do an intervention), and more about my safety and my daughters safety. I stopped remembering why I was with him to begin with, stopped caring that he was my daughters father, and became soley focused on how to get out. I was tired of looking out my window at night waiting for his car to pull up, to see how he was driving, to see how he was walking, to know if I had to lock myself and my daughter in her room or not. Eventually I was able to kick him out, only due to police support because he wouldnt leave. Two months later he crashed his car in a DUI.
I want to mention throughout this whole period after we separated he began to deny he had a problem. He said he could control it, that it wasnt an issue, that he could drink by himself and not with our daughter. But I was afraid that he would be negligent so I took him to court for custody. He then accused me of being an addict. I am not here to judge anyone, but I have never used to drugs or been addicted to anything, so the fact that he then put the blame on me was extremely hurtful. Instead of accepting help that everyone was offering he thought it would be better to put the blame on me. I have had to go through extensive lengths to prove to the court I am in fact not an addict. We have been to court 14 times in 19 months. Many of them due to him getting arrested again etc, and me suspending his visitation. For the last 12 months he has a had a SCRAM bracelet to detect alcohol on and as far as I know he has been "sober", although there was one month it wasnt reporting and I havent received reports consistently. In June he begged the court to let him drink again, insisted he didnt have a problem etc, which prompted them to put the bracelet on. Currently I am withholding visits because of his lapse in use of the monitor, he hasnt seen her in 3 months and by the time we get back to court, it will be 5. I offered him visitation back if he got a drug test, did the substance abuse evaluation/treatment that was already court ordered, but he refused; he just wanted to the visitation. He gets it off in 3 weeks and I am terrified, since he absolutely refuses any help. Also note, his family is in total denial of this problem and completely enables him. I am having a very hard time grasping the fact that I cant help him if he wont help himself, and I am only now mourning the loss of our relationship, of our love, and of the family we had together. We finalized our divorce in December. It was signing those papers that made me realize he chose alcohol over his family, over me. I want more than anything, even after all this to get him help, especially for my daughters sake. I have lived in survival mode for so long I just ignored the feelings I had for him to get through it. It has been 1 year since weve spoken (i have a protective order), and as I begin to heal I only feel more hurt that we just werent enough. The little girl I would do anything for isnt enough, but hes unwilling to accept what hes done. I dont know where to go for help, I dont know how to get through this. My anxiety is terrible and I cry every day. Anyone with insight, thoughts, prayers, support or stories would be welcomed. Thank you.
(id like to note on a personal level i was able to start a very successful career, finish school and am in a very healthy stable and loving relationship now)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Thank you 
I appreciate you calling me strong and brave. Right now I feel so weak, and so NOT brave. Just wishing I could have done more, left sooner etc. This whole situation has shaken me to my core and made it so hard for me to trust.
I appreciate you calling me strong and brave. Right now I feel so weak, and so NOT brave. Just wishing I could have done more, left sooner etc. This whole situation has shaken me to my core and made it so hard for me to trust.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am very familiar with that disappointment over not feeling like I was enough. I can tell you that with time, distance, and a good deal of taking care myself, I was able to recognize that none of it had anything to do with me. My mother didn't drink because I failed to clean my room. She drank because she was an alcoholic. My ex-boyfriend didn't drink because I didn't pay enough attention to him. He drank because he was an alcoholic. I was collateral damage in the path of addictions that were WAY more powerful than me, or them.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I hope you stay around for support. We get you.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I hope you stay around for support. We get you.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
I am very familiar with that disappointment over not feeling like I was enough. I can tell you that with time, distance, and a good deal of taking care myself, I was able to recognize that none of it had anything to do with me. My mother didn't drink because I failed to clean my room. She drank because she was an alcoholic. My ex-boyfriend didn't drink because I didn't pay enough attention to him. He drank because he was an alcoholic. I was collateral damage in the path of addictions that were WAY more powerful than me, or them.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I hope you stay around for support. We get you.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I hope you stay around for support. We get you.
I just realized the other day in therapy how much it has destroyed my trust. I forgot mention it in my original post, because it was long enough but back in Dec 2014 when we decided to settle out of court for custody (i still got primary and he had visitation like 6 times a month i think), afterwards I asked him with tears in my eyes to please stay sober for our daughter (also in the court order that he attends AA, doesnt drink). He looked at me so genuinely tearing up himself and said i promise i will stay sober for her. We hugged, I was hopeful. 3 weeks later he got arrested for drunk in public, and I dont think I have ever been the same since.
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In June he begged the court to let him drink again, insisted he didnt have a problem
wow. that pretty much sums it up right? he didn't comply with ALL the orders of the court so that he could regain VISITATION RIGHTS, but he did BEG the court to be able to DRINK again.
we always suggest here on SR to look at their ACTIONS, instead of listen to their words. because the actions of an addict/alcoholic will SCREAM the truth to you.
his actions and choices have NOTHING to do with YOUR worth. that's not how it works.....in the grips of his addiction, getting and finding ways to use more is his sole objective, regardless of who or what he has to lose. even in this period of enforced sobriety, ALL he can think about is that next drink.
you have made such amazing progress - moving on with your life, establishing a career, having a protection in order in place, taking care of your beautiful baby. i wish you all the best.
wow. that pretty much sums it up right? he didn't comply with ALL the orders of the court so that he could regain VISITATION RIGHTS, but he did BEG the court to be able to DRINK again.
we always suggest here on SR to look at their ACTIONS, instead of listen to their words. because the actions of an addict/alcoholic will SCREAM the truth to you.
his actions and choices have NOTHING to do with YOUR worth. that's not how it works.....in the grips of his addiction, getting and finding ways to use more is his sole objective, regardless of who or what he has to lose. even in this period of enforced sobriety, ALL he can think about is that next drink.
you have made such amazing progress - moving on with your life, establishing a career, having a protection in order in place, taking care of your beautiful baby. i wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I have been to a domestic violence support group but I found it to be extremely triggering. For example there was someone in my group who's baby was abused by her xah and I was so upset I couldn't go back. Not upset with her just upset by hearing the story. I feel extremely uncomfortable showing negative emotion in public (crying) so I think maybe I'm not ready? It doesn't effect me the same way to read it as it does to be in front of it hearing it; hence why I reached out on here.
Thank you for the suggestion though I'm just super sensitive.
Also- yes his actions speak volumes. He says nothing is more important than his daughter yet his actions have never amounted to those words. But knowing that on an intellectual level and actually accepting it into my conscious mind are two different things it seems.
Thank you for the suggestion though I'm just super sensitive.
Also- yes his actions speak volumes. He says nothing is more important than his daughter yet his actions have never amounted to those words. But knowing that on an intellectual level and actually accepting it into my conscious mind are two different things it seems.
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bluebird418.....you seem motivated to want to help yourself....if a group is "too m uch" for you at this time, perhaps a private therapist who is trained in this type of treatment...?
There IS treatment...and it does help heal the wounds that are invariably caused by having been abused.....
Have you discussed this with your current therapist?
dandylion
There IS treatment...and it does help heal the wounds that are invariably caused by having been abused.....
Have you discussed this with your current therapist?
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB,
Your husband has a disease and there is nothing you can do to help him. You and baby BB are away from the craziness. It is time for you to heal.
I have copied so many sayings from this forum and I will post them below and hope that they help in your healing process.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.
You are walking away from unhappiness and into stability that you are creating for yourself. Don't romanticize his life, he was a mess then and he will be a mess in the future. Difference is, you won't!
Hugs my friend, there is a lot of help and support on this forum
Your husband has a disease and there is nothing you can do to help him. You and baby BB are away from the craziness. It is time for you to heal.
I have copied so many sayings from this forum and I will post them below and hope that they help in your healing process.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.
You are walking away from unhappiness and into stability that you are creating for yourself. Don't romanticize his life, he was a mess then and he will be a mess in the future. Difference is, you won't!
Hugs my friend, there is a lot of help and support on this forum
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by dandylion
bluebird418.....you seem motivated to want to help yourself....if a group is "too m uch" for you at this time, perhaps a private therapist who is trained in this type of treatment...?
There IS treatment...and it does help heal the wounds that are invariably caused by having been abused.....
Have you discussed this with your current therapist?
dandylion
There IS treatment...and it does help heal the wounds that are invariably caused by having been abused.....
Have you discussed this with your current therapist?
dandylion
Last edited by bluebird418; 03-04-2016 at 04:38 PM. Reason: spelling
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BB-I understand what you're saying. It's hard to find peace when they seem hellbent on trying to rip your peace away. It's just what they do! Not that it makes that any easier to accept. :/ I empathize with you bc I've gone through it. Peace and hugs.
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