Liveitwell

So I'm soaking in a nice warm bath very late last night and had a flashback. My ex, when in a nice drunk state, would make a bath and ask me to join him. I usually would bc that's the only time I got to spend with him as he sat outside by himself every night drinking while I was working on house and kids things inside. For some reason my mind last night snapped to a memory-it was about two weeks after a really bad drunk incident-and right after we had been separated again bc of his drinking and his actions-he's drunk outside on a Friday night, naturally, and starts slurring asking me if I want more children-I naturally say, absolutely, because I truly do. But I told him that many things would have to be changed before I ever considered having another child with him. He kind of laughed-I think he was too drunk to even care what I said. He went insude and made a bath for us-as we are sitting there he starts telling me he wants more kids and that he can't wait until we are old and gray and all of our grandchildren are running around and he's sitting in his chair telling them to bring him a beer. He was so excited about that-seriously. I almost started laughing but it wasn't funny, it was sad. That was what he wanted in his future-his brethren of children and grandchildren running to get him a beer. I can laugh about it now bc I'm out but when I was still involved and engaged it hurt like hell bc here was thîs "man" that swore up and down to me while we were dating and engaged and furst married that alcohol wouldn't be in our house bc he didn't want to do to our kids what his dad had done to him. And to see and know at that monent, and otghers, that he literally didn't care about us-it was about drinking-was an awful realization. That night sitting in the bath tore me apart....and it's still weird how little things are triggers. I'm just glad I'm out. Loved him well, but glad I'm out.

Anyway, just thought Id share.

Nero427

Yeah, that wasn't funny for me, pretty bleak in fact. But I'm glad you're at a place where you can look back on it with some distance and levity.

Liveitwell

^ funny is a relative term. I found myself laughing at things that were scary, sad, upsetting bc it's all I could do! It was incredibly sad....the last few years were not only scary but incredibly sad as I watched him get pulled farther and farther down into the abyss.
But yes, I did almost laugh at his statement bc it was so absurd...I almost blurted out laughing "who the F are you?!"....

wanttobehealthy

Funny is relative-- more like a bitter funny I imagine, right?

And gosh Four Our Girls, the line about your xAH saying he didn't want alcohol in the house and the plans to grow old etc... and not wanting to be like his dad had been-- we truly were married to the same man.

My xAH talked long and often when we dated that he did not want to have regrets, that he did not want to raise kids unless he KNEW he would not be like his (abuser, alcoholic dad), he used to say honesty was essential to him and lying the one thing he would not ever forgive...

"Funny" how alcohol and his choice to protect it over his own hopes and dreams for his life, made him into everything he hated about his own childhood and his own father...

Tragic

Liveitwell

Word for word. Word for word. I got sold the same pack of lies you did. All his hopes and dreams got taken away by drinking and "funny" that he turned I to exactly who he hated the most-his dad. How awful. I swear, WTBH, we need to meet....I think we were married to the same "man"!

I'll never forget part of my exs eulogy at his alcoholic fathers funeral. He stated that the most important thing his dad had taught him was not to lie. Ha! His dad was the biggest liar of them all...that house was filled with lies. My ex couldn't tell the truth if Jesus was in front of him. When we met he had so much integrity...he was honest. He stood up for me and was honest for years. That slowly went away and he has no integrity. His word is worthless to me and to his daughter. What a shame.

wanttobehealthy

Given the shenanigans xAH pulled it would not surprise me in the LEAST to learn he had another family elsewhere too... Maybe we were married to the same man! Even his extended family sounds identical to your xAH's cuckoo extended family...

We do need to meet! lol!

wanttobehealthy

My xAH's eulogy at his alcoholic abuser dad's funeral was this BIZARRE self indulgent rant about how his dad pushed him (xAH) to be a great soccer player, what a stellar model for the community he (the dad) was (NOT) and the lessons he (xAH learned about cheating at cards from his dad). It was cringeworthy, narcissistic, and tragic...

Liveitwell

^ sounds just like my exs. My ex turned his dad into a saint-literally. Started praying to him, etc. It was awful to see the level of denial - it was heartbreaking and scary at the same time. Bonds of silence and dysfunction in that family. Family get togethers should have been wearing name cards: hello, my name is: alcoholic, abuser, molester....but look at us-we are one big happy family and don't you dare say otherwise or dare talk about anything truthful-we prefer to live in denial land! Yay!! (Can you tell I'm happy to be out?! God blessed!)

wanttobehealthy

The same here-- when we dated and early years of marriage it was all this disclosure about how horrific his family had been, how abusive, how dysfunctional and how he wanted to break that cycle and we would have a lovely family etc... And then the deeper he got into his own addiction(s) - alcohol, porn and god knows what else- the more the rose colored lenses came out and he denied and minimized all that he'd told me about his family and I spent years feeling like I didn't know what to believe...

Of course my gut knew that the early stories were true bc his family showed time and time again with how horribly they treated me and our kids (basically put xAH in the role of choosing sides and he always sided with approving with the bad treatment of his family toward me and our kids) what sick people they were/are

Liveitwell

^ yep! Same thing. My ex excused all his own family's dysfunction-his sister was a crazy bitch bc she was molested as a child (told my mom that)....which God bless her if that did happen-I wouldn't wish that on anyone....but it doesn't excuse her actions one bit. His mom was the way she was bc of his dad, uncle was this way bc of that person, nobody liked uncle x bc he molested his three younger sisters (cue my wth?! Never going to a family function again with my little girls). Was any of it even true?! All excuses. But for me? I got granted no passes. No compassion. Was harshly criticized and judged incessantly by his mother and sister. I was abused as a child, too. By my father. And left alone to protect myself and my sister from my enabling mother. I got granted no excuses. Everyone else did, but me. I picked myself up and got healthy-not caring about how it impacted my mom or dad or sister. I got right with The Lord for me, and for my kids. Rose colored glasses officially shattered and truth prevailed, no matter who liked it or not. My ex actually told me I should overlook my dad's abuse and that it wasn't that bad bc he made a lot of money-therefore it couldn't have been as bad as his childhood. Just the woe is me. Lord help him bc all of us growing up in those houses carry scars and secrets and wounds-but his was the worst, damnit. It was like a competition to him-have him an excuse to act the way he did. It was God awful. Excuses and denial. So forever over it.