amy55

Just really a vent. My head can't take things anymore. I'm blasting music, watching a vacation channel. Just want to be anyone else or anywhere else except where I am.

Should have listened to everyone here months ago about taking the ex back to court then. Thing was I probably would have had a hard time proving contempt of court. I received communication from him today, and he is still trying to bully me.

May not have enough for contempt of court, it's over a little thing about $350. but I would prefer spending $2000 - $3000 taking him back to court, to show him that he can not and will not bully me anymore. The court may reimburse me for this, if they hold in contempt, but I'm not even worried about that. That is how far these abusers will push you. I tried to be amicable, what a joke !!!!!
You can't be amicable with an abuser.

So, I sit here, or dance here tonight, while listen to really loud music to drown "the voices" that are going on in my head, while watching beaches, and cruises, and isolated islands. Thank gawd that SOB lives over 1200 miles from me.

They just never go away. Never.....

I remember one time he came home drunk from Atlantic City. A 3 hr drive. I begged him to stop at a hotel, or motel, that I didn't think he should be driving. He showed up. Opened up the door and said, "Here's Johnnie", like from the shining. Actually, that was the night, I needed to go to the hospital, and it feels like he is still trying to do the same thing.

Going to go back to trying to disassociate. Thanks for listening.

amy

wanttobehealthy

Seems that a lot of peace would be gained (if it's possible and I don't know your whole situation with your ex) just by not interacting (or allowing your ex to communicate with you) with your ex.

If he sends you mail, what about writing "return to sender" and sending it back unopened?

I can't see any peace to be gained by spending $2,000-$3,000 in court over a $300 issue. Your ex wants to upset you and is. Don't give him that satisfaction.

I know well the temptation to show him, to prove you won't be allowing him to bully you but you're never going to get him to stop being who he is-- so you may have to change how you respond to him...

Easier said than done, I know...

Kind wishes being sent your way

Zircon

Hi,
I think I can honestly say, I know how you feel. I have all kinds of thoughts streaming threw my head tonight, just want to find the facet to turn them off for a little while. I need some peace. I go to court tommorrow, and I'm perseverating over it. Again, I shouldn't be worried about it. I guess, I'm a product of my ah abuse and control.
I don't think there will ever be a true cutting of ties. There is always going to be something.
I'm hoping we find our inner peace, something no one can take away from us!
I'm here if you need to vent. Everyone has been so kind, and been here for me.
Take care
Z

amy55

I let my ex get away with a lot last year, and didn't take him to court. I probably let him off the hook for about $5000. maybe more. The $350 that he withheld from my alimony payment was because I was supposed to pay half for the splitting of the pensions. He wanted to go by my gross income, and his net income, we both get gov pensions. That would have cost me to lose about $700 a month from his pension. He still wants me to pay my share for this C.O.A.P (court order approved for processing, fed gov), same as a QUADRO. I had to fight him for 6 months to get this right. I will never pay half of that, when he was trying to screw me. NEVER.

To me, it's not who is right or who is wrong, it's more like you will never bully me again. NEVER. Also I will never pay half of anything that is trying to screw me.

I really do wish that I can just say $350 is worth it to just be rid of him. This is only going to be continuing bullying from him, and different opinions as to what the divorce papers actually state.

I need to let him know he can't bully me anymore, that I will stand by the divorce papers.

amy

amy55

Thank you, and good luck tomorrow Z. I'll be watching for updates.

(((((hugs))))))
amy

wanttobehealthy

I understand where you're coming from-- just noticing that you're hoping that he will stop bullying you if you stand up to him and it seems that you have stood up to him in the past and he just keeps bullying and it hurts you more... I do not think, because he doesnt sound like a rational being, that he will stop bullying you just bc you stand up to him...

If he's anything like my abuser xAH, he will actually retaliate more, the more you push back.

You know what's right and you know he's tried to screw with you and I guess only you know whether it's worth taking him to court to make a judge tell him he's an ass too... If you think that will help you in the long run then go for it...

But if you hope it will stop him in his tracks somehow, it seems unlikely, given him past behavior, that it will.

Sorry you're going through this...

amy55

Thanks,

I have been following what you are going through, and I don't think this strategy would work for you, in addition to that, I don't think you have the money to gamble on this. I'm 60, can touch my IRA now.

When he was working, his check was being garnished for alimony. I want his pension check garnished. I don't want to wait every month to see whether or not he is going to send it through "popmoney".

I don't trust him, just like you don't trust your ex.

I actually have more empathy for you then I do for me. You have many more years to deal with your ex then I do. (I am also here for you with that). Use that indemnification clause as much as you can.......

I already knew that I was going to have to take him back to court for the garnishment. Actually thinking about this, he gave me the ammunition to take this to court, to prove how he was disrespecting the orders as to how to divide the pension. I have emails from the pension evaluator as to how he was trying to give me the shaft, with going by my gross income and his net income.

My ex was also already held in contempt of court, and ordered to pay my attorney fees of $1750 for the day while going through divorce proceedings.

This really helped to calm me down, just writing this down.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

amy55

I won "round 1". He backed off of me. Now onto "round 2", the garnishment.

Never knew I would have to be a b!tch to survive with him.

amy

AnvilheadII

amy....could you survive without the alimony? i just see a huge RELEASE if you didn't "depend" on him for ANYTHING. if you could just cut all ties.....it's been a constant battle, and it keeps you so embroiled with him. i would just love to see you FREE of all the BS...............

amy55

I could live without the alimony. Thing was, It was awarded to me. The garnishment will be really easy. He gets a federal pension. I get a federal pension. There already was a garnishment in place prior to his retirement. He is sending me popmoney each month now. I don't know if that is a TD bank thing, or not, but I don't want to see his name in my email each month that he sent me money. I know he doesn't want his pension check garnished because of the cost of living thing. Thing is, I will have to deal with him at age 65, 70, 75, and 80 since I took a certain amt of life ins, and waived my entitlement to survivors benefits from his pension. With the life insurance it reduces each 5 years because of his age. I was originally awarded a $500,000 policy which would be reduced yearly due to the alimony. He was 57 then. At age 60 that policy was capped at $250,000. He needed to have $420,000 to meet the divorce decree.

I just need him to know now, that he will no longer push me around.

I didn't realize when I signed the divorce papers with this in it, that I would have to deal with him this much. If I did, I probably would have done it differently.

amy

amy55

Another thing that affects me is that I only worked for the federal govt, and my pension was on an "early out". Meaning, it is not really that big.

Now I could get a job, and earn money, but that will not give me any future social security benefits. Whatever I would be entitled to would be offset by my gov pension, and I would get about nothing from social security. I have no way to increase my future income. I am 60 years old.

amy

Thomas45

It doesn't work. The voices just start singing along to the beat.

redatlanta

Amy please clarify - IF you were able to get a garnishment would that be it as far as depending on him to send the money? If so I would go back to Court and secure it.

Otherwise I would most likely let the $350 go. Take it for what its worth - I despise lawsuits, court drama, and the like. It would have to be about 350k for me to bother so LOL, maybe you should ignore my feelings here.

LexieCat

One other thought on the money situation--I totally get wanting to make him pay as agreed, but it sounds like an ongoing battle to get it. Have you ever considered going back to work? I'm your age (a few months younger), and I plan to keep working for the next five to ten years, most likely. I've got a second retirement plan I'm contributing to now, socking some money away in an IRA (and, of course, working on a plan to fix my foundation problem).

It can be a great way of getting "out" of your own head, too. I'd think about it if I were you...

amy55

For clarification. He did send me the $350. after I showed him the info that I would be bringing to court. I'll be using that money (the $350) for the modification of the alimony garnishment. I still have a pending case (opened case) on that, so it should be pretty simple. It's to lower his alimony payment to me due to the fact that I am now receiving a portion of his pension, and he is receiving a portion of mine.

My only contact with him will now be at age 65, 70, 75, 80. It's because he chose to have be as an irrevocable beneficiary on his life insurance policy in lieu of electing survivors benefits. If he dies, I lose my entitlement to a portion of his pension. That cuts my income in half. He has a life insurance policy that decreases by half by attainment of age 65, 70, 75, 80. I would just need to make sure that he is just covered with the life insurance as per the divorce decree.

I could have dropped the $350. It was the way that he did it though. I needed him to know that he was not going to push me around anymore, and this is what the divorce papers state. I needed to do that for any future battles.

With the garnishment, I'll be ok financially. The alimony does stop when I am age 65. By that time I plan to have my house paid off. I'm paying off a 15 year mortgage, in 8 years. I also still have an IRA, not that much, but enough.

I will even be OK if he tries to mess around with the life insurance policies, but I will take him to court on that. I'm actually able to stand up for myself now against him. To me, that is a victory.

I am doing volunteer work. I'm not in the best of health. I work when I can. I do this to get out of the house. Working and getting paid, could give me some money that I could put into an IRA, but it won't give me Social Security. I worked all my life as a federal employee. My pension would offset any social security that I paid into.

I'm not in dire need. I got the financials in my life worked out. Just wish that from now on, will not have to deal with him every 5 years because of that life insurance policy. The court did order it, and I follow court orders, not his anymore.

I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I wish everyone here had a court decision like I did.

((((hugs)))))
amy

Liveitwell

Amy-hugs!!!!! I know the feeling. I just way to echo what WTBH said....when dealing with an abuser XA, they get off on pushing your buttons and trying to elicit any reaction , good or bad. When you get to the point and realize this is just who HE is, which is not who you are, and realize he literally isn't worth it even batting an eye over, it gets easier. I've gotten to the point that I sometimes chuckle at his attempts to bully - I have to, bc some are so ludicrous-and then I say a prayer for him and go on with my life. I just say, pick your battles with these types