Ex Boyfriend Passed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1
Ex Boyfriend Passed
My Ex-boyfriend passed away last Thursday, he had been in the hospital/nursing home for a month. This was caused by his excessive drinking, he went into a coma and his organs shut down. I didn't know this was happening, and i found out about it on FB. I never went to see him, and I didn't even know he was so sick. I knew about the drinking from our time together, but I didn't realize it was so serious. I am devastated, guilty and sad. I didn't go to the services which were today because I didn't want to upset the family (certain family members didn't approve of our relationship.) I am looking for closure and just wanted to tell my story, and see if anyone has any advice or similar story. I am consumed by this right now.
thank you.
thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I am not trying to sound insensitive here.
Don't let this consume you.
He doesn't deserve that. Nor do you.
Didn't you already have closure prior to his passing?
If you hadn't found out he had passed, would you feel better or differently about him?
His passing was of his own doing, not yours.
You got out and that was the best you could do for you.
Don't let this consume you.
He doesn't deserve that. Nor do you.
Didn't you already have closure prior to his passing?
If you hadn't found out he had passed, would you feel better or differently about him?
His passing was of his own doing, not yours.
You got out and that was the best you could do for you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
You, his family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. Alcoholism is progressive, chronic and devastating. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
If you'd like some in person support, you might look into any groups in your area for grieving, and possibly Al-anon, which is for friends and family of alcoholics. You aren't alone. (((hugs)))
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
If you'd like some in person support, you might look into any groups in your area for grieving, and possibly Al-anon, which is for friends and family of alcoholics. You aren't alone. (((hugs)))
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
very sorry for all who loved and knew him. this must be a shock. you will need some time for it to sink in and to come to a level of peace with it. be gentle with yourself. our thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((((Dicegirl)))) I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.
My xabf of 7 years passed away two years ago. I had not seen or spoken to him at that point for about three years, and was well over any feelings of love toward him. I heard about it a couple of weeks after his passing.
I was not surprised to hear it. During the time I was with him, his health had begun to deteriorate, and his alcoholism was in the latter stages... I felt sad for his mother, and for the life he could have had if not for alcoholism and his other demons....
However, for me, his death in a way was closure for me....
Prior to his death, I had dreams of him at least weekly. Dreams that I was stuck at his house and I couldn't leave, that he was keeping me there, he was yelling at me.... some of the dreams were not that bad, but just that I was still with him and did not want to be. I would wake up feeling so relieved!
Immediately after I learned of his death, I stopped having those dreams completely.
Now, when I think of him, like if I hear a song that reminds me of him, I smile, instead of cringe like I used to. It is easier for me now, to remember the good things about him and about our relationship, rather than the bad.
I sometimes feel his presence in a good way now, and I am grateful for that.
Of course, I've had over two years to get to this point....
This news is still new to you, so give yourself some time... cry and scream if you need to... get it all out... look at old pictures
I hope you know and really believe you have nothing to feel guilty about....
I'm glad you reached out to us. Take care of yourself!!!
My xabf of 7 years passed away two years ago. I had not seen or spoken to him at that point for about three years, and was well over any feelings of love toward him. I heard about it a couple of weeks after his passing.
I was not surprised to hear it. During the time I was with him, his health had begun to deteriorate, and his alcoholism was in the latter stages... I felt sad for his mother, and for the life he could have had if not for alcoholism and his other demons....
However, for me, his death in a way was closure for me....
Prior to his death, I had dreams of him at least weekly. Dreams that I was stuck at his house and I couldn't leave, that he was keeping me there, he was yelling at me.... some of the dreams were not that bad, but just that I was still with him and did not want to be. I would wake up feeling so relieved!
Immediately after I learned of his death, I stopped having those dreams completely.
Now, when I think of him, like if I hear a song that reminds me of him, I smile, instead of cringe like I used to. It is easier for me now, to remember the good things about him and about our relationship, rather than the bad.
I sometimes feel his presence in a good way now, and I am grateful for that.
Of course, I've had over two years to get to this point....
This news is still new to you, so give yourself some time... cry and scream if you need to... get it all out... look at old pictures
I hope you know and really believe you have nothing to feel guilty about....
I'm glad you reached out to us. Take care of yourself!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rogersville, Tennessee
Posts: 2,659
Hi Dicegirl,
My wife, who I hadn't seen in 10 years, ( we never got divorced, but split up in 2006) passed away almost 3 months ago.
She committed suicide with an overdose of alcohol and drugs.
Even though we hadn't spoken for about 5 years, I still couldn't help think that I had something to do with it, she died on what would have been our anniversary.
We occasionally emailed each other and I had recently told her I had been sober for over 2 1/2 years, we were both alcoholics.
I will always wonder if letting her know that may have heightened her depression, as I found out the day after her passing that she had a fiancé for about 4 years, and just recently found out that he wouldn't push to marry her until she got her drinking under control.
I was also very worried about having to talk to her family as I was legally the next of kin.
They all basically said the same thing to me, that there was nothing I or anyone could have done, her addiction and refusal to accept it was hers.
It's normal to be sad and devastated, there is no reason to feel guilty, there is nothing you, or anyone could have done, that's the reality of addiction.
There will always be questions that will never get answered but the truth is that they are gone, and not allowing those question or guilty feelings control us is the best way to move on.
I am sorry for your loss.
My wife, who I hadn't seen in 10 years, ( we never got divorced, but split up in 2006) passed away almost 3 months ago.
She committed suicide with an overdose of alcohol and drugs.
Even though we hadn't spoken for about 5 years, I still couldn't help think that I had something to do with it, she died on what would have been our anniversary.
We occasionally emailed each other and I had recently told her I had been sober for over 2 1/2 years, we were both alcoholics.
I will always wonder if letting her know that may have heightened her depression, as I found out the day after her passing that she had a fiancé for about 4 years, and just recently found out that he wouldn't push to marry her until she got her drinking under control.
I was also very worried about having to talk to her family as I was legally the next of kin.
They all basically said the same thing to me, that there was nothing I or anyone could have done, her addiction and refusal to accept it was hers.
It's normal to be sad and devastated, there is no reason to feel guilty, there is nothing you, or anyone could have done, that's the reality of addiction.
There will always be questions that will never get answered but the truth is that they are gone, and not allowing those question or guilty feelings control us is the best way to move on.
I am sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hey Dicegirl, this must be so weirdly difficult. You sound like a sensitive person in that you chose not to go to the service out of respect for his family.
As someone suggested previously, is there some way you could have a private ritual to say good bye, grieve and maybe rejoice a bit that he is no longer suffering from this terrible disease?
Finally, as sorry as I am to hear of such a death, I want to thank you and every other SR member who chose life over a relationship with an alcoholic. This is such an extraordinarily painful decision.
Please treat yourself with extra kindness as you grieve this sad death.
As someone suggested previously, is there some way you could have a private ritual to say good bye, grieve and maybe rejoice a bit that he is no longer suffering from this terrible disease?
Finally, as sorry as I am to hear of such a death, I want to thank you and every other SR member who chose life over a relationship with an alcoholic. This is such an extraordinarily painful decision.
Please treat yourself with extra kindness as you grieve this sad death.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello dicegirl,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I understand the guilt and the pain. I am going through this myself. My husband (not an alcoholic) passed about 4 months ago.
Perhaps you can visit your ex-boyfriend's grave at some point so that you can say goodbye. Please take good care of yourself!
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I understand the guilt and the pain. I am going through this myself. My husband (not an alcoholic) passed about 4 months ago.
Perhaps you can visit your ex-boyfriend's grave at some point so that you can say goodbye. Please take good care of yourself!
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