Bellyisfull

Wow - the last time I posted, my life was a huge mess. Not long after my sister in law attempted our 'intervention', I finally got the proof of my husband's drug use and decided I was not going to let him take me down with him - I was tired of the crazy making and my spirit was dead inside..he ended up leaving and living in his car for a few days before calling me at 4 a.m., wired out of his skull and asking for help. I remember telling him that I would support recovery and that meant inpatient treatment..I honestly thought he'd be dead in a ditch and I'd never see him again. Last Thanksgiving, I sat at my mother's table crying, ashamed of marrying him, angry and absolutely heartbroken. Well, he did seek treatment at a wonderful facility and he threw himself into it. I can only say he was ready. He'd lost a lot in his life before me and was ready to make some changes. 10 months into it, he is amazing me every day. I wonder when this guy became the healthy one of us? When did he become so well adjusted? Getting clean has changed him in just about EVERY WAY and I'm so glad to say that he's doing great. He has not relapsed and whatever it is that works for him strong. He has not attended meetings in awhile and while I used to worry about that, I let it be. His recovery is his own, regardless of how he maintains it. It's not all some perfect ending though - I have had to really work hard at not trying to control him in some ways, and let him be his own person, work his program and OWN his choices..that's been tough because he has this vulnerable quality and all the women in his life have loved and taken care of him..he's one of those addicts - no one could resist the smile and the long lashes and the boyish charm..sometimes I think I know what's best for him and I have to remind myself I am not his mother, I need to keep learning how to be a wife..

It's all going well but we had a bump in the road today. After basically changing my lifestyle dramatically ( I needed to clean house too, though I was never addicted to anything, I certainly abused substance/drink and my 'crowd' was not conducive to a healthier lifestyle.) Anyway, I have been 'sequestered' since hubby came home from treatment..needless to say, there are no drugs around and I limited my drinking when in his presence..well, last week , I went out with some friends for happy hour and it was a lot of fun - we are doing it again to celebrate my birthday and when I told hubby he asked if he could come..immediately I said no, that he shouldn't be hanging out in a bar..truth is, I don't WANT him there. I want to be free, unencumbered by any negative thoughts associated with drinking, etc. It's supposed to be a little party for me, just a few hours, just my own little escape..well, I really hurt his feelings by saying no..he told me that he is still alive and still can have fun, without drinking..( I think the drugging is long since done..the shrink never felt he was addicted to that - had not used long enough to be addicted - it was the catalyst, however, that brought him to his knees and face to face with his real demon - alcohol...)

Anyway, I am just now getting to a new place for me, new social outlets (in moderation!), etc. and I feel such guilt about that. I hate this part.

Petunia

Bellyisfull,

One thing that I am struggling with right now is not automatically reacting. When I am around my As and CoDe family members my old habits come back quickly. Just this weekend my M left a message that said "I need you to call me...". Well within about 5 minutes of getting the call I did and got drawn into more drama. I could have stopped and thought "do I want to call her", just b/c she needs me to call her doesn't mean I have to. What I did was to automatically react to her needs rather than think it through and decide what I needed. None of my As or CoDe-s will give me permission to be healthy. It is something I do for me.

I reacted b/c I didn't want to feel guilty for not doing what she wanted, but I still didn't benefit from calling her. Just food for thought... Happy Birthday!

Peace,
Petunia

Teggie

(((Bellyisfull)))

Wow! That is a good post, it brought to mind questions I've had about being a non-addicted partner in a relationship. And what is appropiate or ok to do. I have never been a drinker or a drugger, just thankfully by the grace of god I'm not and have no inclination to be. My AH struggles with binge drinking, he's been sober for 3 monthes now. When he did drink he did alone, wasn't the bar type. He told me he was an recovered A when we first met. He fell off the wagon a couple of years after our son was born. I don't really have alot of girlfreinds so therefore I'm not ever asked to go out. Even if I was I would probebly say no, not because of him but because I don't care to drink or party. My fun is usually doing things with him and the kiddos. But thats just me and everybody is different. I guess in a situation like this I would venture to ask, would doing this hurt you eventually? ( I'm talking about you, not him)Do you see problems developing because of it? I am by no means an expert at any of this, god knows I'm as screwed up as everyone else, lol. I only know we cannot control whether the A drinks or not, I would love to hear others thoughts on this. It's a good topic to look into. Make the decision that is going to be best for you. Hugs! Teggie

Bellyisfull

Honestly, since my husband came home from rehab, I have been in this sort of cocoon existence with him..yes, I had to 'clean house', so to speak, and re-evaluate some friendships that compromised our new lifestyle- you really find out who your friends are when you go through something like this..since that time, I have had virtually no social life and only recently starting to connect with some women at work who I happen to see at my gym. It's not as if I need bells and whistles on a regular basis but I would like to do some socializing. My husband has always been a bit of a loner as well, Teggie, he did his best work alone although his foray into cocaine made him quite the social butterfly..that's how I knew he was going off the rails...he did some very bizarre things while on coke that completely went against his personality. That drug and the years of drinking really did a number on his brain chemistry! Anyway, I spoke to my husband more about this and how I need to find a healthy balance for me - he seems to understand but who really knows? He's always been an expert at covering his feelings but before he had the beer to make him forget..I am pleased that while he did revert back to a stony silence for a couple days, he did ultimately speak up to me about what he was feeling. In the old days, he would have picked a fight completely unrelated to the issue, used that unresolved anger or sadness to get snockered and forget why he was mad.. god forbid, he get honest about his feelings..anyway, I told him that I will stop 'mothering' him and let him own his decisions. Obviously, he understands the negative implications of returning to drinking and if he chooses that, what can I do? I guess I have naively believed that if I keep him 'safe', by giving up my life, too, by being with him all the time, that he won't drink..that's not how it works but we are still in the baby steps of recovery. He will celebrate 1 year in November. Most days I don't fear a thing - it's just been scary when I try to step out of my old skin and grow individually - that is when his disease pulls me back..or so I allow myself to believe. Thanks for your feedback, guys.

smilo

Bellyisfull,
I definitely relate - the "cocoon" is lonely! It's a major lifestyle change for us too.
I wasn't as smart as you - this weekend I "escaped" right in front of my AH who is 6 months sober. We went to a wedding, and I "accidentally" got drunk. Ugggh, I'm so embarassed. I got very emotional – we were at a wedding, and I just got so SAD about my own marriage and how miserable we’ve been. I cried; I let my husband see me crying, etc. Hardly got any sleep, and felt horrible the next day.

But the up-side to the story is how my husband handled it and the effect that his behavior had on me! He didn’t comfort me or yell at me. The next morning he didn’t make me feel stupid or give me the silent treatment. He just told in a very caring way that he hoped I felt better soon, and he went out to enjoy the beautiful day. It was amazing.

It made me realize what a good, kind man he is. It made me think about what he must feel when I don’t handle his mistakes in such a gracious way. It was humbling, and I think I needed to be taken down a peg!
All this time, without being aware of it, I’ve been feeling very superior. Ever since he got home from rehab, I’ve been so critical of his behavior -- because I felt like he owed it to me to be the Perfect Man, Perfect Husband, and Perfect Father. He wasn’t living up to that – go figure! It’s taken me 6 months to realize that my expectations were so out of line.

I’m feeling so grateful to my husband right now!! Wow, God certainly does work in mysterious ways.

Good luck to you - and keep the communication going. That is the key!!!
xoxo
smilo

Bellyisfull

I hear ya, Smilo..
I actually had 2 martinis last Friday night when my husband and I went out but I didn't get drunk. He has reassured me that it's perfectly fine if I want to have a drink to unwind or whatever..I don't have an addictive bone in my body, except to my AH, of course! He's ok with me having a drink or two - I don't think he begrudes me that.. I think it's just more of a threatening feeling for him in some ways - that I might move on and forget him. Long before substance was an issue with us, there was some insecurity already there. My husband and I both think the other hung the moon and I suppose we are rather deluded in our perception that all other men and women will find us irresisitible! Quite silly, actually. I think his pout was less about me going out and drinking for social reasons than it was about being excluded and feeling like chopped liver. I wish he had more friends to do things with but he doesn't and I suspect if he did, he still would not. He is just that kind of guy - he likes to play golf and is into his computer games and so on but he doesn't need much in the way of human contact! Hell, sometimes we go for hours without talking, not for any reason than because we are both quiet time seekers..so actually that is ok. I just have to remember that what I need and what he needs are two different things. I tend to get depressed if I don't have more outlets than my marriage and my career. I need more and especially now, I crave normal relationships and I want to explore new friendships and so on! It's a new concept for me to have friends that are emotionally sound and grounded and not a bunch of wacky flakes! I know what you mean, though about the A surprising you with their new healthy outlooks.. when I go into a full on codie moment and start accusing my husband of doing something to provoke that behavior, he just stays calm and says that I need to work it out because he is not responsible for what I am feeling. He's never condesending about it but I get his point loud and clear. He is my hero. I am so proud of him and looking back on that period of our marriage almost feels like a bad dream. I cannot imagine our lives ever falling off track to that degree again, although we have no guarantees. It's just so miraculous how he's taken to sobriety like a duck to water. I ask him all the time how he does it, how could it be so seemingly easy? He just says he was ready and he knew it was time to stop. I don't question it, I don't push for AA anymore, I just let it be. He is working this program his way, even if I don't quite understand that program!

CrazyRed

Thank you! This thread was exactly what I need for some inspiration into my own life.
I have written on my goal list to become social, meet new friends and expand my activities. It's nice to know that others feel the same way & are giving me some ideas on how I could go about it.

Thanks again!