Inside the Mind of an Abuser
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Inside the Mind of an Abuser
Another great resource...
Sanctuary for the Abused: Inside the Mind of an Abuser
Takeaways...too many to count. I don't want to take the focus off me and what I work on, but understanding these things is crucial to know who you are dealing with.
Short list from article:
1) abusers tend to be narcissistic and feel they don't have to follow the same rules as others.
2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings.
3) making excuses: abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, they only look at ways to justify their abuse, usually pointing their finger at their victim.
4) fantasies of success: abusers tend to feel they would be more successful if it wasn't for the world being against them or others holding them back. They don't see their own shortcomings so he feels truly justified in retaliating by belittling others and abusing.
5) manipulation: he charms only those that he can get something from and pretends to care. They lie , provoke fights and upset people to watch their reaction.
6) Redefining-abusers will redefine situations to blame others for their own sutuations.
7) assumimg: abusers think they know what their victim thinks and use that to further their abuse. Ex: "I knew you would be upset so I went for a few drinks after work. I didn't want to come home and hear you nag ". (Thereby placing the blame on the victim)
8) dependence: abusers are more dependent on their victims than their victims are on them.
9) signs of emotional depemdency: jealous rages, extreme jealousy and you will note how twisted the abuser gets if his victim leaves-he will stop at nothing to get the victim to return.
10) rigid gender roles: this needs no explanation. As my ex put it, my role was to. "Feed him and f&&k him" and I failed at those so I was no good.
11) lying: most abusers are liars. They will lie about anything to try to keep others off balance and control others.
12) withdrawal-abusers tend to withdraw emotionally and close others off.
13) minimize actions: abusers minimize their actions and won't admit mistake. Ex: an abuser may say , "I didn't hit you hard enough to give you a black eye" thereby discounting the victims reality that she was hit,
14) ownership and possession: abusers don't see their spouses as human-they see them as something they own, a possession. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want to their possession.
15) anger management: abusers grew up in violent and dysfunctional homes and have no way to deal with their anger until it explodes. Because of how they grew up they see abuse as normal-and don't see it as abuse.
16) rules; abusers tend to not follow rules, like most inmates in prison, they feel they are better than others and that it's their partners that need counseling.
17) fragmentation: the abuser will do his best to keep his abuse hidden. An abuser may beat his spouse or kids but not attack anyone else. Or an abuser will go to church and act like a loving and devoted father and spouse but come home and abuse his wife or children the same day. They see this as normal and acceptable. Yet if they hear others are being abused , they are the first to condemn. (Holy holy holy this was my ex husband-word for word).
18) glorification-abusers will seem independent, secure, etc but they are hiding massive feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. If you attempt to blame them, they lash out.
19) being vague: an abuser never tells the whole truth. If a husband comes home late and the wife asks questions, the abuser will answer vaguely. If the wife pushes for the truth or more information, the abuser will react defensively and lash out in order to remain in control.
20) verbal communication: abusers cannot have a real relationship bc that involves intimacy. Abusers feels it is their partners duty to turn their anger and frustration into joy or happy-and when the spouse cannot fulfill his every need and make him not angry, the abuser feels justified to abuse.
I truly think this article was written about my ex. Nearly everything is word for word spot on. It's scary. Very scary. But knowing these things helps me stay safe and keep my kids safe. Lifelong scars from a violent childhood that sees women as things to cater to his every whim and his wife and kids as things that he can treat however he chooses. A charmer that charms and manipulates to use people. Violent and angry about life in general. Disgusting. God I'm happy today to not be married to him.
Just thought this may help some of y'all either considering leaving or if you're seeing red flags in a relationship. Hope it helps y'all as much as it helped me.
Peace y'all!
Sanctuary for the Abused: Inside the Mind of an Abuser
Takeaways...too many to count. I don't want to take the focus off me and what I work on, but understanding these things is crucial to know who you are dealing with.
Short list from article:
1) abusers tend to be narcissistic and feel they don't have to follow the same rules as others.
2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings.
3) making excuses: abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, they only look at ways to justify their abuse, usually pointing their finger at their victim.
4) fantasies of success: abusers tend to feel they would be more successful if it wasn't for the world being against them or others holding them back. They don't see their own shortcomings so he feels truly justified in retaliating by belittling others and abusing.
5) manipulation: he charms only those that he can get something from and pretends to care. They lie , provoke fights and upset people to watch their reaction.
6) Redefining-abusers will redefine situations to blame others for their own sutuations.
7) assumimg: abusers think they know what their victim thinks and use that to further their abuse. Ex: "I knew you would be upset so I went for a few drinks after work. I didn't want to come home and hear you nag ". (Thereby placing the blame on the victim)
8) dependence: abusers are more dependent on their victims than their victims are on them.
9) signs of emotional depemdency: jealous rages, extreme jealousy and you will note how twisted the abuser gets if his victim leaves-he will stop at nothing to get the victim to return.
10) rigid gender roles: this needs no explanation. As my ex put it, my role was to. "Feed him and f&&k him" and I failed at those so I was no good.
11) lying: most abusers are liars. They will lie about anything to try to keep others off balance and control others.
12) withdrawal-abusers tend to withdraw emotionally and close others off.
13) minimize actions: abusers minimize their actions and won't admit mistake. Ex: an abuser may say , "I didn't hit you hard enough to give you a black eye" thereby discounting the victims reality that she was hit,
14) ownership and possession: abusers don't see their spouses as human-they see them as something they own, a possession. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want to their possession.
15) anger management: abusers grew up in violent and dysfunctional homes and have no way to deal with their anger until it explodes. Because of how they grew up they see abuse as normal-and don't see it as abuse.
16) rules; abusers tend to not follow rules, like most inmates in prison, they feel they are better than others and that it's their partners that need counseling.
17) fragmentation: the abuser will do his best to keep his abuse hidden. An abuser may beat his spouse or kids but not attack anyone else. Or an abuser will go to church and act like a loving and devoted father and spouse but come home and abuse his wife or children the same day. They see this as normal and acceptable. Yet if they hear others are being abused , they are the first to condemn. (Holy holy holy this was my ex husband-word for word).
18) glorification-abusers will seem independent, secure, etc but they are hiding massive feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. If you attempt to blame them, they lash out.
19) being vague: an abuser never tells the whole truth. If a husband comes home late and the wife asks questions, the abuser will answer vaguely. If the wife pushes for the truth or more information, the abuser will react defensively and lash out in order to remain in control.
20) verbal communication: abusers cannot have a real relationship bc that involves intimacy. Abusers feels it is their partners duty to turn their anger and frustration into joy or happy-and when the spouse cannot fulfill his every need and make him not angry, the abuser feels justified to abuse.
I truly think this article was written about my ex. Nearly everything is word for word spot on. It's scary. Very scary. But knowing these things helps me stay safe and keep my kids safe. Lifelong scars from a violent childhood that sees women as things to cater to his every whim and his wife and kids as things that he can treat however he chooses. A charmer that charms and manipulates to use people. Violent and angry about life in general. Disgusting. God I'm happy today to not be married to him.
Just thought this may help some of y'all either considering leaving or if you're seeing red flags in a relationship. Hope it helps y'all as much as it helped me.
Peace y'all!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm sorry, I couldn't read all of these, because all of these are so true.
I got to #7, and got sick. My ex told me all the time that he left work, didn't give me a thought at all, and went to the bar. He sat at the bar and got angrier and angrier at me because I would be upset that he came home late. Meanwhile, I had cooked dinner, held it for an hour, finally ate dinner, made him a plate, cleaned up, washed the dishes and the pots, and he would come home screaming at me at 10 or 11pm, that I was trying to control him.
amy
I got to #7, and got sick. My ex told me all the time that he left work, didn't give me a thought at all, and went to the bar. He sat at the bar and got angrier and angrier at me because I would be upset that he came home late. Meanwhile, I had cooked dinner, held it for an hour, finally ate dinner, made him a plate, cleaned up, washed the dishes and the pots, and he would come home screaming at me at 10 or 11pm, that I was trying to control him.
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Yorkshire, Great Britain
Posts: 205
My ex is a narcissist and after 18 years of emotional and physical abuse, I have been blessed with bipolar and PTSD!!!
When I finally left him, I was a complete mess and drowned myself in alcohol. We went through a very bitter divorce and I was arrested because I was so angry and wanted to kill him. But........
Last year 8 years after the divorce, I forgave him! Can you believe that? I forgave him.
When I finally left him, I was a complete mess and drowned myself in alcohol. We went through a very bitter divorce and I was arrested because I was so angry and wanted to kill him. But........
Last year 8 years after the divorce, I forgave him! Can you believe that? I forgave him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by spadge 
My ex is a narcissist and after 18 years of emotional and physical abuse, I have been blessed with bipolar and PTSD!!!
When I finally left him, I was a complete mess and drowned myself in alcohol. We went through a very bitter divorce and I was arrested because I was so angry and wanted to kill him. But........
Last year 8 years after the divorce, I forgave him! Can you believe that? I forgave him.
When I finally left him, I was a complete mess and drowned myself in alcohol. We went through a very bitter divorce and I was arrested because I was so angry and wanted to kill him. But........
Last year 8 years after the divorce, I forgave him! Can you believe that? I forgave him.
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Yorkshire, Great Britain
Posts: 205
Yes you are so right! For years I was consumed with hatred for him. I had to forgive him for myself and for the sake of our children.I will be seeing him at my daughter's wedding in two weeks! But I will just be civil and I am so glad I bear him no malice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by spadge
Yes you are so right! For years I was consumed with hatred for him. I had to forgive him for myself and for the sake of our children.I will be seeing him at my daughter's wedding in two weeks! But I will just be civil and I am so glad I bear him no malice.
((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I do wish you would start your own thread here so we can help you though this. This is going to be tough on you, and I would really like to be there to help support you. Just know that you're terrific.
Last edited by amy55; 02-28-2016 at 08:42 PM. Reason: adding Ps
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Finally got through all of them. My ex did every one of them. His biggest was the silent treatment, or no communication. He had no idea of how to communicate without having a fight, and then having make up sex, (His words, not mine). Make up sex meant you forgave him, not doing that meant the war was still on.
amy
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by lostangel011
I need to read this. It's eye opening to learn that it's a real thing and I'm not responsible in any way for his behavior because I so feel I am and if I did differently it may change.
You're with us now. You have a place to vent, you have a place that you can feel comfortable. You have a place to read and learn.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Another great resource...
Sanctuary for the Abused: Inside the Mind of an Abuser
Takeaways...too many to count. I don't want to take the focus off me and what I work on, but understanding these things is crucial to know who you are dealing with.
Short list from article:
1) abusers tend to be narcissistic and feel they don't have to follow the same rules as others.
2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings.
3) making excuses: abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, they only look at ways to justify their abuse, usually pointing their finger at their victim.
4) fantasies of success: abusers tend to feel they would be more successful if it wasn't for the world being against them or others holding them back. They don't see their own shortcomings so he feels truly justified in retaliating by belittling others and abusing.
5) manipulation: he charms only those that he can get something from and pretends to care. They lie , provoke fights and upset people to watch their reaction.
6) Redefining-abusers will redefine situations to blame others for their own sutuations.
7) assumimg: abusers think they know what their victim thinks and use that to further their abuse. Ex: "I knew you would be upset so I went for a few drinks after work. I didn't want to come home and hear you nag ". (Thereby placing the blame on the victim)
8) dependence: abusers are more dependent on their victims than their victims are on them.
9) signs of emotional depemdency: jealous rages, extreme jealousy and you will note how twisted the abuser gets if his victim leaves-he will stop at nothing to get the victim to return.
10) rigid gender roles: this needs no explanation. As my ex put it, my role was to. "Feed him and f&&k him" and I failed at those so I was no good.
11) lying: most abusers are liars. They will lie about anything to try to keep others off balance and control others.
12) withdrawal-abusers tend to withdraw emotionally and close others off.
13) minimize actions: abusers minimize their actions and won't admit mistake. Ex: an abuser may say , "I didn't hit you hard enough to give you a black eye" thereby discounting the victims reality that she was hit,
14) ownership and possession: abusers don't see their spouses as human-they see them as something they own, a possession. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want to their possession.
15) anger management: abusers grew up in violent and dysfunctional homes and have no way to deal with their anger until it explodes. Because of how they grew up they see abuse as normal-and don't see it as abuse.
16) rules; abusers tend to not follow rules, like most inmates in prison, they feel they are better than others and that it's their partners that need counseling.
17) fragmentation: the abuser will do his best to keep his abuse hidden. An abuser may beat his spouse or kids but not attack anyone else. Or an abuser will go to church and act like a loving and devoted father and spouse but come home and abuse his wife or children the same day. They see this as normal and acceptable. Yet if they hear others are being abused , they are the first to condemn. (Holy holy holy this was my ex husband-word for word).
18) glorification-abusers will seem independent, secure, etc but they are hiding massive feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. If you attempt to blame them, they lash out.
19) being vague: an abuser never tells the whole truth. If a husband comes home late and the wife asks questions, the abuser will answer vaguely. If the wife pushes for the truth or more information, the abuser will react defensively and lash out in order to remain in control.
20) verbal communication: abusers cannot have a real relationship bc that involves intimacy. Abusers feels it is their partners duty to turn their anger and frustration into joy or happy-and when the spouse cannot fulfill his every need and make him not angry, the abuser feels justified to abuse.
I truly think this article was written about my ex. Nearly everything is word for word spot on. It's scary. Very scary. But knowing these things helps me stay safe and keep my kids safe. Lifelong scars from a violent childhood that sees women as things to cater to his every whim and his wife and kids as things that he can treat however he chooses. A charmer that charms and manipulates to use people. Violent and angry about life in general. Disgusting. God I'm happy today to not be married to him.
Just thought this may help some of y'all either considering leaving or if you're seeing red flags in a relationship. Hope it helps y'all as much as it helped me.
Peace y'all!
Sanctuary for the Abused: Inside the Mind of an Abuser
Takeaways...too many to count. I don't want to take the focus off me and what I work on, but understanding these things is crucial to know who you are dealing with.
Short list from article:
1) abusers tend to be narcissistic and feel they don't have to follow the same rules as others.
2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings.
3) making excuses: abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, they only look at ways to justify their abuse, usually pointing their finger at their victim.
4) fantasies of success: abusers tend to feel they would be more successful if it wasn't for the world being against them or others holding them back. They don't see their own shortcomings so he feels truly justified in retaliating by belittling others and abusing.
5) manipulation: he charms only those that he can get something from and pretends to care. They lie , provoke fights and upset people to watch their reaction.
6) Redefining-abusers will redefine situations to blame others for their own sutuations.
7) assumimg: abusers think they know what their victim thinks and use that to further their abuse. Ex: "I knew you would be upset so I went for a few drinks after work. I didn't want to come home and hear you nag ". (Thereby placing the blame on the victim)
8) dependence: abusers are more dependent on their victims than their victims are on them.
9) signs of emotional depemdency: jealous rages, extreme jealousy and you will note how twisted the abuser gets if his victim leaves-he will stop at nothing to get the victim to return.
10) rigid gender roles: this needs no explanation. As my ex put it, my role was to. "Feed him and f&&k him" and I failed at those so I was no good.
11) lying: most abusers are liars. They will lie about anything to try to keep others off balance and control others.
12) withdrawal-abusers tend to withdraw emotionally and close others off.
13) minimize actions: abusers minimize their actions and won't admit mistake. Ex: an abuser may say , "I didn't hit you hard enough to give you a black eye" thereby discounting the victims reality that she was hit,
14) ownership and possession: abusers don't see their spouses as human-they see them as something they own, a possession. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want to their possession.
15) anger management: abusers grew up in violent and dysfunctional homes and have no way to deal with their anger until it explodes. Because of how they grew up they see abuse as normal-and don't see it as abuse.
16) rules; abusers tend to not follow rules, like most inmates in prison, they feel they are better than others and that it's their partners that need counseling.
17) fragmentation: the abuser will do his best to keep his abuse hidden. An abuser may beat his spouse or kids but not attack anyone else. Or an abuser will go to church and act like a loving and devoted father and spouse but come home and abuse his wife or children the same day. They see this as normal and acceptable. Yet if they hear others are being abused , they are the first to condemn. (Holy holy holy this was my ex husband-word for word).
18) glorification-abusers will seem independent, secure, etc but they are hiding massive feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. If you attempt to blame them, they lash out.
19) being vague: an abuser never tells the whole truth. If a husband comes home late and the wife asks questions, the abuser will answer vaguely. If the wife pushes for the truth or more information, the abuser will react defensively and lash out in order to remain in control.
20) verbal communication: abusers cannot have a real relationship bc that involves intimacy. Abusers feels it is their partners duty to turn their anger and frustration into joy or happy-and when the spouse cannot fulfill his every need and make him not angry, the abuser feels justified to abuse.
I truly think this article was written about my ex. Nearly everything is word for word spot on. It's scary. Very scary. But knowing these things helps me stay safe and keep my kids safe. Lifelong scars from a violent childhood that sees women as things to cater to his every whim and his wife and kids as things that he can treat however he chooses. A charmer that charms and manipulates to use people. Violent and angry about life in general. Disgusting. God I'm happy today to not be married to him.
Just thought this may help some of y'all either considering leaving or if you're seeing red flags in a relationship. Hope it helps y'all as much as it helped me.
Peace y'all!
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Wow almost all of these he does but this one scared me. Am I abusive too because I monitor him all the time and am hysterical at the thought of him leaving?
Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.
Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My pleasure. Thank y'all for being here!!! Angel-you are now a member of a fabulous group of peeps. I too was told for years, and believed , that I was the cause of my ex husband acting the way he did and treating me and his children the way he did. I was not the cause-his demons, dysfunction and evil were the cause. He was the cause. Angel-you will be ok-and you will survive. Just getting out can be the hardest and scariest thing-but we will be with you every step of the way. I've gone through it-I have the scars to prove it. But I'm no longer his victim-I'm a survivor and a warrior. You are, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Angel-look up Stockholm syndrome. I too was the same way-hallmark of an abuse victim. You probably feel so worthless bc he told you nobody else would love you and has torn down your self esteem to nothing by gaslighting, lying, etc. You are a strong woman and will be ok. But it's good to ask these questions! (Psst. Abusers don't ask these questions bc they are deluded and evil and lack any remorse or self awareness). Do you need to stop monitoring his stuff? Yep. But there is a difference between abuse and reactive things we do.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Also I always have to know everywhere he is going, when he's coming back and who he is with
I also try to stop him from leaving when we are in a fight.. Mostly though cause I'm afraid he's gonna leave and ****** another woman
I also try to stop him from leaving when we are in a fight.. Mostly though cause I'm afraid he's gonna leave and ****** another woman
Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-29-2016 at 09:54 AM. Reason: Removed language inappropriate for children
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Originally Posted by lostangel011
Wow almost all of these he does but this one scared me. Am I abusive too because I monitor him all the time and am hysterical at the thought of him leaving?
Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.
Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Angel-YOU don't trust him bc he is not trustworthy. That is a fact. And he may just leave and screw another woman! (Not saying that lightly). BUT you doing what you're doing is only making you crazy...it's not stopping anything he's doing. or will do. You are right to focus on you. (I was the same way-bc my ex would lie all the time. I hated when he left, not bc I was controlling and didn't want him to have a life, but bc I knew it would be another time that promises would be broken, drubken tirade may happen, other abuse would be waiting for me when he chose to come home). But that only made me crazy-that was my side of the street.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yes-thanks for speaking on that, Amy. Angel-please read up of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and abusers. It may help explain your actions and your feelings. When I started MY journey of recovery and unraveling why I chose to stay with an abuser, my head exploded at realizing how much I was caught in FOG. Glad you are here!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Thanks everyone for your words. I question if I am an abuser too for those things I pointed ou because it scares me if I am, my AH always tells me I control him, he's afraid to say he wants to go out, he's afriad to ride his motorcyle because I'm going to get upset and think he's doing something wrong and/or blow up his phone. He says I control and manipulate him with money by not giving him enogh and he alwYs has to beg... Btw I don't give him a lot because he wastes it, gambles with it, drinks with it and I don't want him womanizing with it. So I give him enough each day to eat and get gas. He spends every dime he has if it's $10 or $200 and we are in bankruptcy because of him. He says if I would stop running his life and controlling the money, stop treating him like a child, trust him and let him be his own man things would be better but he feels controlled.. Soooo it scares me that I'm just as abusive. Oh and he always brings up the time I punched him in the arm a bunch of times one of those insane nights of yelling when he tried to drive away.. I know 95% of the things I read are him.. He has never physically hurt me in any way or tried to but he drives me mad emotionally it's exhausting how drama filled and chaotic and loud our life is.. It's painful, toxic and I just want it to be peaceful. I feel really sensitive to the fact I may be an abuser too based on his tears that I control him and the couple examples on the list
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lostangel.....as forourgirls said.....abusers do not examine their own motives....and try to understand why they do what they do! They just feel entitled to do it...period......
I think this is just an extention of blaming your self (again)......
There is a difference between being a co-dependent and someone with abandonment issues...and, a dyed in the wool abuser!
dandylion
I think this is just an extention of blaming your self (again)......
There is a difference between being a co-dependent and someone with abandonment issues...and, a dyed in the wool abuser!
dandylion
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Angel, read #2 again...
"2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings."
It isn't you.
"2) blaming: abusers tend to shift blame to the victim for "causing them" to act inappropriately. Usual statements are "if you hadn't done x, y or z I wouldn't have treated you that way". He is blaming you for his shortcomings."
It isn't you.
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