Liveitwell

Angel....^ yes!!!

Wisconsin

Angel, I think it's pretty clear that your behavior toward your AH is *unhealthy,* but I do not think it qualifies as *abusive,* for all the reasons that others have pointed out. Actions aren't either abusive or totally fine. There is a big area in the middle where people operate.

My STBXAH was like yours. He never hurt me physically, and he complained incessantly about my behavior. My behavior was always the "reason" he acted the way he did. I was told repeatedly that if I just did this and that and the other thing, then our marriage would be fine. Well, I'll tell you what--the more I detached and the less I snooped and controlled...his behavior DID NOT CHANGE. Because my co-dependency, and my snooping, and my controlling, were not causing his drinking or his abuse. And he just found something else to criticize me about.

I've spoken my mind about snooping many, many times. I do think that you are right to have a certain level of control over the finances at this point, but beyond that...the more you can detach, the more at peace YOU will feel. Don't do it because he has you convinced that if you just leave him alone, your marriage will be fine. Because it won't. But YOU will feel calmer and more serene.

I, too, was told I was an abuser as a way for my STBXAH to deflect attention from himself and his behavior. I, too, worried A LOT for YEARS that I was abusive. And while I did a lot of hurtful and disrespectful things, I was NEVER an abuser. I was very sick, and I made a lot of bad decisions, but I did not abuse.

Ariesagain

In my experience, abusers never ever wonder if they're abusers.

lostangel011

Yeah.. I didn't think I was BUT the definitions clearly described what I was doing and that in addition to what my H says about how I control him and treat him like a child is the root of all our problems struck a nerve with me. I question myself

Ariesagain

Well, let's try turning it around. If he had never been irresponsible, had always been frugal and paid the bills, had never threatened you with infidelity or trolled for women, would you have become "controlling"? Do you enjoy watching his every move like this?

Obviously, no and definitely no.

Don't let him dump his garbage in your side of the yard.

dandylion

lostangel.....there are many marriages, out there (not necessarily alcoholic) that are parent/child in nature.....and lots of people are "controlling" personality types......but not necessarily "abusers"......

dandylion

DesertEyes

No worries, lostangel. Pretty much everybody arrives here questioning themselves.

What I learned in recovery is that there is _nothing_ wrong in questioning myself. My problem is who I was listening to for the _answers_. My ex was very good at figuring out which answers she could fabricate that would most confuse me, that's what dysfunctional people are good at.

It was only after I spent some time listening to other peeps on SR and in real life meetings that I was able to get a "view of the forest" and figure out my own answers. That is when I found truth, by listening to peeps who had survived and overcome the chaos of addiction, and by _not_ listening to the people who were _creating_ that chaos.

Mike

lostangel011

I have never been like this in any relationship and believe me the last thing I want to to be a grown man's mother. I swear our dynamic is insane and he forces me into it by acting like a child. Yes and I perpetuate it by responding that way so so the cycle goes...

Liveitwell

Angel-dear, mine was the same. My ex literally wanted to be mothered-he wanted me to be his mother!! (I'm not kidding-I was told that many many times). These guys are just sick little boys. Get off the crazy train and let someone else love him like his mommy does

dandylion

lostangel.....I was not accusing YOU.....rather, I was just giving an example where being "controlling" is not, necessarily, synonomous with being abusive.....

dandylion