confused wife

I have been married to a wonderful man for 5 years. I knew before I married him that he drank beer and used occasional pot. I accepted that. Now however his drinking is increasing. He is extremely hard working and has a very high stress job. This is his excuse for stopping off at the gas station everyday on the way home from work to get a "beer for the drive". He is not getting a normal beer - he gets the jumbo sized which is the equivalent to about 3 normal cans. He drinks this as he drives home. We have had many discussions about this which end up in arguments. I am a stay at home mom and depend on his income. He is not only breaking the law, endangering other motorists, endangering the welfare of our family - he comes home has more beer and falls asleep on the couch EVERY night. We have not slept together in a very long time. I feel so disgusted. On the weekends when he is not working he opens a beer usually after breakfast (approx. 10:30-12:00). He says he needs something to pick him up and to relax. He doesn't get drunk but he will drink pretty much the whole weekend consistently. I don't like to leave him home with the kids. I don't totally trust him. I think he would, no, I know he would drive with them in the car. "I only had a couple beer - what's the big deal?". Orelse he would fall asleep before our toddler due to the combination of long hours worked and consumption of beer. He would be absolutely furious with me if he knew I was posting this. He has never been physically violent with my kids or myself but he has absolutely screamed at me and threw things around. What can I do? Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

cwohio

welcome to SR - you will find many wonderful, supportive folks here that wil share their experiences, knowledge, etc. be sure to check out others posts and the stickies at the beginning. if you have never been involved with al-anon, you should look into finding and attending a meeting. many here will tell you that ial-anon makes a difference in living with an AH.

I have not been going for long (2 months) but the tools have helped me in focusing on myself and my behaviors because these are the only things i can control. we can't control the alcoholic - only they can decide if and when they want to seek recovery. focus on yourself and kids. many here will reply to you with their words of wisdom.

my support and hugs to you - come and vent, share often

cwohio

ASpouse

He sounds exactly like my husband was. It started out as beers, then the big beers, then adding a 1/2 pint of blackberry, then a pint, then hiding the bottles. Then the car accidents (never his fault), then the DUI's, then the screaming and throwing things.

Gosh, I was exactly in your shoes, except I worked. He would fall asleep on the couch every single night, even while sitting with our kids. It was the same thing "very stressed from a job", "couldn't handle the pressure", needed something to "just relax him" even after just waking up ..... tell me, aren't most people relatively relaxed after waking up? Why would he need to relax at breakfast? Is breakfast stressful? Is waking up stressful?

I hate to say this, but this will get worse, much much worse. Go to Al-Anon, take care of you, find a job and pack some money away for when you WILL need it.

He's on his way down it sounds like. Stop fighting with him and stop being dependent on him. Get yourself well.

Peaches04

Hi confused wife... I am too! I just wanted to extend my hello and let you know that I just started this a week ago - and it has helped me so, so much. I can't even begin to tell you how much my life has changed, because of me! I feel like I have a say in things now and what I will accept... I read the Codependent No More book - and that got it all rolling. Then I went to Alanon, read the Alanon book, and found this chat room. Now I'm also reading "The Language of Letting Go"... anyway, I was desperate to do anything to make this pain stop...and it works! I am a mother with children too, so I can totally relate to you on that level. I don't know how to explain the transformation, but I have let go of so much rage and anger and resentment - now, when I make a decision he doesn't agree with - I don't care! I don't care because it is a decision that is RIGHT for ME, not a decision made to punish HIM. I can't define my boundaries yet, but sometimes they sneak up on me - and I ask myself "gasp! was that a boundary I just set!". Anyway, there is not a magic cure (or someone would be loaded (parden the pun - but, you really can get back your sanity, let go of that crap we call 'guilt', and make good decisions..decisions for you and your children. I work on it harder and harder every day...it's like I see being "healthy" now, and I'm determined to reach it! Lots of hugs to you...hang in there, and come back!

confused wife

Thank you for responding. 'ASpouse' suggested that it will get much worse. I would like to know your story ASpouse. Did you leave your AH? I didn't mention I do have a sort of job. Once a week I leave my children with my mom and work a few hours. Also now that my youngest is in preschool I work during that time too. Money is not a significant issue for me. I have alot of support from family if I need it too. I just feel sooooo alone. Nobody in our lives (outside of our home) knows about AH's frequent use of the drink. He is a successful functioning drinker. From the outside we look like a normal, happy, successful family. I am too ashamed to tell anyone close to me. I don't know if I am ashamed of myself or my husband, maybe both. I think failure of my marriage would represent a failure in myself as a wife and mother. Everyday when I see my husband throwing that giant beer can into the recycling bin after work I lose a little more respect for him - but I can say I am still married.

Thank you also for the suggestion of Alanon. I have thought about that about a million times over the last couple years. If I went it would have to be secretive. My husband would be furious with me. After all, he doesn't have a problem. I guess I just wanted to vent and to hear your stories. I know there must be many wives out there just like me - feeling like me.

I knew I had to talk to someone soon. Last night I felt like putting a pillow over his face to stop his obnoxious beer induced snoring. I sat on the floor of the family room in the dark just glaring at him snoring on the couch. I came to the realization that it is possible to love someone with all your heart while having absolute hatred for him run through your veins. A contradiction, I know but you all can probably relate.

Thank again.

Teggie

OMG....flashback!! My AH used to tell me when he came home plastered, "I only had one beer" Turned out it was a jumbo sized one...doh! And the beer snoring? oh lord heard that too and like you I wanted to grab a pillow and choke him with it. Alanon is good, very good even. He may have trouble accepting that until he faces his own demons but you have to do what is best for you. I started out here on this forum and worked my way up to attending meetings. Eventually you may come to a point where it doesn't matter to you whether he likes you attending alanon or not. When your trying to better yourself, there is no wrong in that. My AH doesn't really care for me going to al-anon but he knows I'll go anyways, he says "well if you feel like it helps you then I can't say anything" Your road starts with you, pick the best path for you and start walking....hugs! Teggie

Peaches04

I HATE the beer snoring! I bought some ear plugs and they have saved my life! One last thing I wanted to tell you confused wife, is do not be ashamed - you have done nothing to cause or deserver this.. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it - isn't that what they say? The best thing I ever did was finally tell my family...I said "I think AH is an alcholic"...and they all said "well, honey - we know that".. So, who was I kidding! and I thought they thought we were perfect too! You do what you think you can handle - that's up to you. I had so many of those feelings for so long - I hid things, didn't talk to my family, got mad at each and every one of them for something that just related to me being angry and resentful at AH - I grew up with the secrets and lies, and it is terrible. Secrets have lots of power - lots of power over you. If you give them up, they can't hurt you anymore. But, only where you feel safe. If you feel like your family doesn't need to know - I certainly don't want to suggest you tell them. I guess the main thing I want to get across, is that HE is not a reflection of you...YOU are you, and YOU have nothing to be ashamed of! One last thing - you'd be surprised at what secrets other people have, when you open up. I went and saw my 67 year old Aunt in the hospital the other night - and for the first time, I told her. She asked how I was, and I said "not so good" and told her. And you know what she said??? She said "I know sweetie - your ole Aunt is in here in a hospital bed and finds out from the nurses John (her hubby) is in the waiting room drinking beer"! We both just started cracking up!

AlwaysHopeful

I am so happy that you wrote this posting. I have been going through the same thing for the 2 1/2 years that my son has been born. My husband has been smoking pot and smoking a lot of it. For this reason I have not trusted him with the care of our toddler and it has been an overwhelming nearly three years because he keeps justifying the smoking. My husband finally "bottomed" out after he was caught in a seaful of lies about finances and among other things an extra-marital affair. Because of my "nagging" him... I became the enemy and therefore, as he rationalized it, he was not inclined to quit smoking. It has only been a month since he has gone to Marijuana's Anonymous and has completely stopped smoking weed because it was going to cost him his marriage. Here is a wonderful essay posted by Morning Glory that might help you understand the path to addiction that we experienced. Maybe your husband's is in the early phases and if he seeks help NOW you will be able to prevent a lot of what I went through. There is hope ... because AA, MA and NA and all the other support groups are very helpful to someone who is truly seeking help... In my husband's case... it was not until he was faced with the possibility of losing everything that he TOOK HIMSELF to a meeting and is now getting help. As far as the screaming that could eventually escalate to physical violebce as it did it my case... As he sees it he does not have a problem and you are juyst an overprotective Mom and as in my case, my husband tried to accuse me of being a control freak... He had an explanation or a reason to dismiss anyone that did not agree with his conduct and it was not until he sobered up for a few weeks that he began to see what he was doing to his family. This is not advise but I would continue to be very active with the kids, "get a life" and stick to it... If he does not want to live the clean family life then you live it... don't fall in to the trap of trying to change him... he has to want to change. I keep myself busy even now because who knows if he will relapse and God knows I will be devestated if I don't have my own stuff to do. Sorry for the long reply. Again here is the link to the thread that I found very helpful
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ead-17514.html Good luck your marriage will survive and your husband will get help that is why I call myself
AlwaysHopeful

ASpouse

Hi, No I didn't leave my husband. Actually I enabled him for many years and probably helped to make his drinking worse.

I always wanted him to be happy, to not worry. I started hiding things from him and things started to overwhelm me. He would find out, I would continue lying, I would buy him beer because it "made him happy" (or so I thought).

Our first son was very sick with cancer and he and I took turns staying in the hospital with him and I encouraged him to take a six pack and a pint of blackberry to help him relax at the hospital. Of all things .........

I actually thought he was handling it well. He lost a job due to drinking and stealing. It was at that point I knew, I knew he was on his way to the bottom. I saw it for the first time and it took years (3 -4) from that point for him to do something.

We had awful fights, nothing physically violent, but throwing stuff, breaking stuff that I loved, scaring the crap out of our kids, driving the kids while drunk. I would never go anywhere with him, a big change from just a few years prior.

One day a guy he was working for confronted him. Told him he could work for him, but not until he went for help. He went through the motions ..... counselling, outpatient help etc. He thought he was fooling us all. He probably was fooling me, but I had people that would not let me believe he was getting well. He would go to counselling drunk and his outpatient program drunk. You see, he didn't have a problem, we did.

I asked him why he drank and he said "because I like it". Simple as that. What could I respond to that! I couldn't.

I think the 2 months before he actually went into rehab, he really drank and drank and drank, as if he KNEW he would never drink again. The night he decided to go to the hospital and hopefully get admitted to rehab he couldn't find a ride. It was weird for he knew he couldn't drive himself. He begged me for a ride, I told him no. He was so upset, he was crying, but he did figure out a way to get himself there and was there for 21 days. He hasn't had a drink since, 13 months now. He attends meetings everyday and keeps busy.

And my husband also is the kindest sweetest man in the world. Great to his kids, people like him, he is a gentle person. Alcoholism is not a disease that is choosey in who it picks on. Anyone is vulnerable to the disease.

After he left for rehab, I was ANGRY .. ... I was beyhond angry, I was enraged. That is when I went to private counselling and Al Anon for myself. I'm still working on a lot of things, I knew that I could fall into that "codie" role so easily, it is something I consciously think about all the time.

But I love my husband, he is sober today and we have a wonderful loving relationship. But I can tell you, we would not have this today if he was still drinking and I was still enabling. I am happy that we are off that hamster wheel.