lostangel011

I know I'm officially insane and today I feel awful because my personal life is spilling over into work.. To complicate things I work with and for my mom and I'm causing chaos there. I'm hurting her so bad and when I'm in the moment I can't stop but when I realize what I've done I feel like a horrible crappy person. We have a new associate and today rather than participate in a group team building I lashed out and made everyone uncomfortable. The poor sweet woman was probably thinking what did I get myself into, my mom needs her help and commitment and in addition as a mom her heart breaks for me.

I feel no better than my husband for the way I acted today and now I feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and so sorry. Why am I doing to them what he does to me?? I just want to cry and say sorry forever and then leave my job so I don't cause them stress. Is this normal? Do you lash out at those who love and support you most while going through this? . Im hurting myself and my job. Am I no better than him?

FeelingGreat

Have you apologised to them LA? If not, that's the first on your list. You may find the act of apologising takes away some of the rage.

Priscilla84

Oh yes, I do this! I have these moments where my emotions are so overwhelming and in my brain there is a voice saying "keep it together, don't act this way, grin and bear it, if you let your emotions take over you are going to be embarrassed later and regret it!" But I'm not strong enough to listen to that voice. In that moment I don't care enough.

I do wonder if it's similar to a voice inside an addict telling them not to use, not to give in, not to hurt people...but then they aren't strong enough to resist. Maybe for some of them. I am learning I do have some things in common with addicts. Not necessarily in a bad way or good way, just a neutral way.

But I recognize this, and you recognize this. So we can do our best to always do better next time.

lostangel011

Absolutely I did and they said they forgive me but I'm not forgiving myself. I caused them pain and the damage is done

maia1234

Angel,
The difference is that you are owning your mistake. Apologize, make amends and move forward. Tell her you have a lot on your plate and you will try and do better in the future. We are all human and if she sees that you apologize for inappropriate behavior as a boss, then she has a pretty cool boss.

Next, stop beating yourself up, I think you are your worst enemy. Maybe you can be a little nicer to Angel?? You will get through this craziness, just deep breaths and one hour at a time.

Hugs my friend, you are strong and powerful!!

Ariesagain

You are under enormous stress...it's no wonder you lash out occasionally, especially since you have to watch your every word at home. You're only human, so please forgive and be kind to yourself.

Liveitwell

I agree - you at least acknowledge the mistake-that's a huge step. Addicts don't acknowledge-they deny wrong doing. You are strong, imperfect and make mistakes-we all do! Apologize, own it, stop shaming yourself and do better next time. That's all any of us can do

Bekindalways

Sigh. Yep I do this Angel. I think I have gotten better as I have gotten older.

I think of these rages as my wounds talking. I have used this experience to look at other people acting bat$poop crazy and think, "Yep that is one heck of a wound talking." Milk this experience for all the humility and compassion you can. This world certainly needs more humility and compassion.

jjj111

Maybe you can take your remorse over this incident and let it motivate you to start identifying and making changes to the situations in your life that are at the root of your anger?

lostangel011

It has. I've been like this a lot but what I did this weekend was too far and beyond what I've ever done. I was acting like him and felt sick to my stomach all night thinking about it. That I behaved his way to deal with my pain by hurting others when I should know better. That's not who I am and I don't ever want to go to that extreme again.. I was out of line and I'm sick that I did it. I may still get angry and I may lash out at my amazing mom but I will never do this again! I know it was lesson enough and I hope it puts me on a path to identify my genuine feelings instead of lashing out.. Progress as I'm sure it won't be perfection. For today though I'm not going to be able to forgive myself yet I'm too humiliated. I hope I can make living amends to earn my own and their forgiveness

Priscilla84

Wanted to share something I heard today: when making amends to those we have hurt, don't forget to put yourself on the list. We all make mistakes because we are human, and there's no cure for being human. All we can do is make amends to others and ourselves. And don't stay locked in your mind beating yourself up- your mind is the toughest courtroom in the world because you'll always find yourself guilty.

amy55

Sometimes they say that we have incredible hurt within ourselves, we do hurt other people. It' sort of like trying to get rid of or transfer our pain to someone else.

I have never seen anyone that was happy with their life try to hurt someone else.

I think, just think about that. I don't think you are happy with your life.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

healthyagain

You lashed out. You are under lots of stress. It happens. It should not be used as an excuse, but it is not that unnatural. On contrary. You do not want to hurt on purpose. Some people do want to hurt on purpose. There is a simple difference.

Bekindalways

You expressed this really well Priscilla.

Hang tough Lostangel. We are all so intertwined in the wounds. Please take care of yourself.

amy55

Also I always have to know everywhere he is going, when he's coming back and who he is with

I also try to stop him from leaving when we are in a fight.. Mostly though cause I'm afraid he's gonna leave and screw another woman


___________

This is something that you posted in a different thread, so I thought I could bring this here so we could talk about this. I hope you don't mind that.

I read that, and I felt "fear". It was a trigger for me. This is something that I am not proud of, and I don't think I even talked about this before. I would see my ex leaving, and I would jump on the hood of his car so that he couldn't, well that didn't stop him. He just kept driving, and I either jumped off or fell off.

For me it was the emotional distance. I just felt like I couldn't talk to him, but that if I cornered him, that he would have to talk to me. I was crazy. He wasn't going to talk to me. He wasn't capable of it. That was the reason that he was always running away from me.

Another woman, can tell you, that I'm not really sure. Most likely though, most likely his co worker that he is now living with.

I remember him saying to me once, so are you going to use that black eye that I gave you to make me stay. I told him "no", gtfo. I don't want your pity.

(((((hugs))))))
amy


PS - He didn't leave that day. He went out to buy a case of beer, then came back, and wanted a platonic relationship but friends with benefits also or else he would have to find a real woman.

lostangel011

Ugh my AH always tells me that if I don't stop being so boring and reserved he will go look for a real woman. He's a man and needs a real woman not some mousy insecure child... That's why he goes online

Hawkeye13

He goes online because he's an insecure and immature little boy, not a real man.

You aren't the problem here Angel. . .

healthyagain

Huh. Well, good luck to him with finding a REAL woman ONLINE.

FireSprite

(((((HUGS)))))) This was how I acted at times too - it was always me reaching my limits with RAH & letting it spill over onto others around me. It was also a big sign of my overall exhaustion & inability to keep it all contained any longer - I was completely wearing down.

I know you think we're just trying to make you feel better (we are!) but this really IS a VERY big awareness to make angel. Maybe this incident happened so you could really SEE yourself for the first time & know how you are more deeply affected by all this than you realize?

Often, our "signs" & "clues" from our higher power don't arrive in the way we expect & it can be easy to overlook them. Sounds like you had a crappy moment with people who love & respect & accept you & all that you are going through - sometimes we do put those people through our worst because we know they'll forgive us. Just food for thought.