lostangel011

My AH just yelled at me for not giving him enough money to buy lunch for everyone and until I can treat him like adult he wants nothing to do with me. Sais sorry if I can't stand to see him happy and successful but that's the real him and if I can't take it that's my problem. So I said fine divorce me and he said okay! And hung up. He won't pick up his phone

He's on a power trip now and I'm a complete blubbering wreck who feels used!!! He's happy with his job now and has no more use for me. I feel like a used piece of garbage. I'm sooo hurt and angry.

I want to get even and go home and tow away the motorcycle which is in my name and whenever he gets back take his car. I would kick him out of the apt but the law says we are married so I can't even though he's not on the lease

He doesn't want me anymore! He used me and now he's hurting me as much as he can. I know better but the pain is sooooo raw and crippling.

I wanna punish him and hurt him back by taking away Everything!!!

amy55

Angel, (((((hugs)))))

You do know that he is a little "unwell", right? He could really use a good psych eval.

From what I understand, and correct me if I am wrong, he just started this job, was it just this last Monday that he started? He already wants to tell them how to run the business? He wants to buy everyone lunch? He was online buying expensive shoes, and possibly other things, when you are having trouble paying bills, and he didn't even get a pay check yet? Am I getting this all right?

Do you see how crazy this all is?

(((((hugs)))))
amy

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, Angel. Breathe. A few nice deep breaths.

Do you see that he's completely NOT acting like an adult? That whole first sentence sounds like a little kid asking mom to pay for pizza for all of his friends and then throwing a tantrum when he's told no. My 11yo doesn't act that way. And since when is giving him money treating him like an adult? Behaving like an adult would mean acknowledging that he doesn't have money to treat the office right now and not asking someone else to foot the bill so he can do it.

You don't have to do anything right now and you acknowledge that what you want to do is based in wanting to hurt him back. Take a few more deep breaths. Let the anger tell you what you need to hear. It will recede enough to let you think clearer.

Ariesagain

Good! Divorce him while he's on this delusional high that he's king of the world...seriously, take your anger and hurt and call a lawyer. Find out what your rights are, especially in regard to the lease.

If you can get him to sign off on everything quick while he's in "I don't need you, I rule" mode, you can get on with your life?

amy55

Angel,

This might be a good time for you to just stay calm, and watch the "crazytrain" move all on it's on. Just observe. We are here for you so you can vent here, but for today, just observe.

I do understand how it feels like he is doing this to you, and trying to hurt you, even where you feel like he's got it made now, and is done with you. I understand all of that, and I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling now. I know that pain well, because I went through that pain.

Please for today, see if you can just sit still, (get the popcorn out) and just observe. See, I engaged in the craziness many times, but what I found out was that if I didn't engage, that war in his head was going to go on anyway, but I wasn't giving him any fuel for it to explode.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

LexieCat

angel, you likely DO have grounds for a protective order, which requires him to leave. You've been unwilling to do that. But it IS an option.

Forget about "getting even"--I understand the urge to do that, but it won't fix your situation and is likely to make it worse.

This isn't about his new job, or alcoholism. This is classic intimate partner abuse. He has been treating you this way for a long time and it will continue. He's not going to wake up and appreciate you. Men like him are all about tearing you down for the sake of feeling powerful himself. You aren't a treasured partner, you are someone he can control. And he doesn't CARE how it makes you feel. In fact, it makes him happy if you are scared, insecure, and unhappy. It keeps you off balance, and him in the driver's seat.

There's help for this situation, but only if you're willing to take the steps to avail yourself of it.

I'm sorry things are so painful right now.

5KRunner

I was going to say something quite similar to this, in terms of waiting it out. To add to that, I also think that the tables eventually turn if you stay back and wait long enough. Particularly because no matter how successful he thinks he is, that success appears to be built on a very shaky foundation (i.e. his sanity and stability, or should I say lack thereof). That isn't sustainable, in my opinion.

That's not to say you should be rooting for him to fail, but rather that he's likely to fall on his face at some point, and you have to decide whether or not you'll be there to pick him up.

I also have some choice words for his behavior, but I'll restrain.

amy55

Angel,

I think a lot of the time we just don't want to really believe what we are seeing. I know I hid in that "river of denial" for a really long time. It was really when I started to open up about things to other people, I found it really hard to go back to my comfort place, "river of denial".

I also remember when I started to talk about things to others. My head was in such a F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt), that I knew what I was saying, but in a way I didn't understand what I was saying, or I still didn't want to believe what I was saying. It was like I was stating facts, (by my perception) but it also felt like I was talking about it like a third party. (disassociation).

I think that is why I was telling you to try to clear your mind, and just observe. Sometimes its easy to say, "this is crazy", but to really feel that, it's a little more difficult. It's because it's making something a "fact".

All of this is not because of alcohol, or the new job. It's been there, I could tell that from your previous posts. Nothing has really changed. He got a job, but his personality is still the same.

What I did was to keep a journal, since you are posting here, you can also use this as your journal, and just re read your post. It really is as bad as you think it is, and perhaps worse then you think it is.

I remember going through some things thinking this is the worst day of my life, then reading about that in my journal, years later, when things got even worse, thinking, well, it wasn't so bad then. This is how abuse progresses. It keeps getting worse and worse. It's the frog and the boiling water story. It's the intermittent chicken story.

How are you doing?

((((((hugs)))))))
amy

maia1234

Angel,
Turn this situation around. Take advantage that he has walked away. Get your "stuff" together regarding your future. Realize that you can and will survive with out him around you. He is gifting you this time. Seek out a divorce attorney, the first visit is free and see what your options are.

I know this hurts and you think his life is so wonderful. Someone told me here a while back "Be patient!! The one thing I know about jerks like your husband, they will screw up!! Be patient. It might not happen as fast as you would like it to, but I can guarantee you, he will screw up!!!!!!!"

Do what needs to be done for Angel, not him. You should be working on you so you should have no time to be thinking about him.

Hugs my friend, you can do this!!

lostangel011

Yes he started Tuesday!!! Then he said he now needs an allowance of $600 a month for expenses etc and said to take our son out of martial arts if we have its too expensive. Can you believe that!!! His needs for spending are more important than anything the family needs

jjj111

Angel, some acceptance of who he is might serve you here. He is financially irresponsible, narcissistic, and abusive. He has shown you this is who he is over and over. I think you could save some energy by just expecting him to be this way. Don't waste your energy on being surprised or raging about how wrong or irresponsible his behavior is. Just expect it, and plan for it.

redatlanta

Take a deep breath LA - sounds like its been a hard day.

Why is your husband asking you for an "allowance"? Does he have access to a checking account? Where will his paycheck go?

Hawkeye13

Please listen to what other people are telling you.
Don't give him the money
Like I said on your other thread, he isn't going to be able
to keep this job.
He is not behaving in a rational way--do you see this?
Get to the lawyer and protect yourself and your kids please. . .
The idea of getting him out while he has the job and is ready to go is a good one.
I'm also sorry you are hurting, but you do see you didn't do anything to deserve such treatment I hope--

Ariesagain

Okay, I guess I should really ask instead of making an assumption...what are you looking for when you post here? Is this just a place to vent? A place where everyone will agree that your husband is a jerk and tsk tsk over every new atrocity he commits? Are you looking for moral support as you work on leaving this very sick relationship behind you? Something else?

What are you getting by staying with him? Is it recreating the way you grew up? Is it being a martyr or victim? Some people enjoy that role...Are you hooked on the drama, because if nothing else, boredom isn't a problem, for sure.

You are in recovery and have been for a while, so I'm sure you understand how very much this echoes our addictions...you are repeatedly exposing yourself to a situation that hurts you and undermines every aspect of your life. But you keep repeating the pattern.

I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.

healthyagain

Hugs, lostangel. Now take a deep breath. Forget about the revenge. Forget about your husband. Let's focus on you. You have to keep your head cool and start planing the exit strategy. Step-by-step. One of the things that was preventing me form acting was that I wanted to do everything at once, which was impossible.

Forget about his allowance. But think about your finances. You will probably need a personal bank account, a secret stash of cash, perhaps even a credit card for emergency.

Also, it would be a good idea to talk to an attorney, just to be prepared and know your rights and options. And your AH does not have to know about it.

amy55

I'm going to assume here that you are not in an abusive relationship, don't know what an abusive relationship is, and have never tried to leave one, and that you don't have a young stepson that you would have to leave behind.

amy

Ariesagain

I was sincerely asking the question. I have been making assumptions about what would constitute helping when I could be wrong.

And yes, honey, I have been in an abusive relationship. And I left him and my home with one suitcase and less than $300 in my bank account after six years.

I'm out.

amy55

First, I do take offense at being called honey. To me that is derogatory, and dismissive.

I have also been in an abusive relationship. Was with him for over 25 years.

I also just hate it when people think that you can just up and leave in these situations, or that if you don't then you want to be a "victim".

I think the stickies above on how to help a woman in an abusive situation may be helpful.

amy

AnvilheadII

please resist the urge to lash out in anger......it won't help and it won't "feel good". now is the time to get real and to get busy. THIS has to stop. since after four whole days he is now running the company, he should be "fine". ha. what a joke.

as someone said earlier - it was never about YOU at all. you just got swept up in the chaos. detritus. collateral damage.

take thoughtful measured steps now......do the next WISE thing.

lostangel011

He has access but I control how much because all the bills are in my name and he can't open a checking account because of his history. All the bills, cars, lease are in my name because he can't have anything. So he gets allowance. He gambles, cheats, womanizes and sells **** that is not his so yeah he has to ask