Help! More drama and I'm hurting so bad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Okay, I guess I should really ask instead of making an assumption...what are you looking for when you post here? Is this just a place to vent? A place where everyone will agree that your husband is a jerk and tsk tsk over every new atrocity he commits? Are you looking for moral support as you work on leaving this very sick relationship behind you? Something else?
What are you getting by staying with him? Is it recreating the way you grew up? Is it being a martyr or victim? Some people enjoy that role...Are you hooked on the drama, because if nothing else, boredom isn't a problem, for sure.
You are in recovery and have been for a while, so I'm sure you understand how very much this echoes our addictions...you are repeatedly exposing yourself to a situation that hurts you and undermines every aspect of your life. But you keep repeating the pattern.
I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.
What are you getting by staying with him? Is it recreating the way you grew up? Is it being a martyr or victim? Some people enjoy that role...Are you hooked on the drama, because if nothing else, boredom isn't a problem, for sure.
You are in recovery and have been for a while, so I'm sure you understand how very much this echoes our addictions...you are repeatedly exposing yourself to a situation that hurts you and undermines every aspect of your life. But you keep repeating the pattern.
I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.
Im in a lot of pain and have no one or no where to share it. I thought this was a safe place.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What are you afraid of, if you leave? Can you identify it?
Is it fear no one will want you? Isn't that what you're already experiencing?
I can tell you, right now--living alone (even before I got to the point of loving it--which I now do) was NEVER as lonely as being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I wasn't subjected to abuse in those relationships, but I certainly didn't have a partner I could count on--even for companionship. Once I got out, after a short period of mourning the loss, I felt a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. You don't even realize how much it's weighing you down until it's gone.
Is it fear no one will want you? Isn't that what you're already experiencing?
I can tell you, right now--living alone (even before I got to the point of loving it--which I now do) was NEVER as lonely as being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I wasn't subjected to abuse in those relationships, but I certainly didn't have a partner I could count on--even for companionship. Once I got out, after a short period of mourning the loss, I felt a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. You don't even realize how much it's weighing you down until it's gone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My AH just yelled at me for not giving him enough money to buy lunch for everyone and until I can treat him like adult he wants nothing to do with me.
This sentence made no sense to me at all. And you know why? If he was an adult, he would have checked to make sure that he had enough money BEFORE he offered to buy lunch for everyone.
When my sister and I were roommates, she would take offense when I asked her to tell me when she was going to throw a party in the apartment. Because she never had to do that with her old roommates. She just did not get that roommates gave each other advance notice about stuff like that.
She also invited two friends to stay over in our apartment for two months, and then she moved over to her boyfriend's place. So they became my defacto roommates without me agreeing to anything. And when I complained, she said that I was not being hospitable and generous as their families were to her when she visited. So she expected ME to return the favor she owed them. Even though I didn't know them at all.
And you know what was so insane about this, I actually believed her. I actually felt guilty that I made a fuss. And I KNOW I looked insane when I confronted her in front of her friends. Even now when I look back at it, I feel like such a chump.
So please don't feel guilty for feeling angry. You sound like you have every right to be. And in terms of "getting even", I agree with what everyone else is saying. You're just going to look ******* crazy if you try to get back at him. Just play it cool and eventually people will start seeing the truth. It most likely will not happen as quickly as you would like it to happen. But it will. I've seen it for myself.
And when that happens, you may even feel sorry for him. But you will never let him make you feel crazy again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Basically afraid to leave
sweets, Elvis has already left the building. you've been managing everything on your own for a while now.....you don't NEED him, he brings NOTHING to the table.
no one should speak ill of you, yell at you, demean you, USE you. and the one way to assure that NEVER happens is to find self respect and build strong healthy boundaries.
dump the chump.
sweets, Elvis has already left the building. you've been managing everything on your own for a while now.....you don't NEED him, he brings NOTHING to the table.
no one should speak ill of you, yell at you, demean you, USE you. and the one way to assure that NEVER happens is to find self respect and build strong healthy boundaries.
dump the chump.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Are you afraid to leave because you fear for your safety? Or because you think you won't be able to make it on your own? Because if it's the latter- as others have already pointed out- going from this constant chaos and turmoil and managing a grown man to just having yourself to worry about is going to be like dropping out of Astro Physics 425 to take a ceramics class.
If it's fear of the pain, I really sympathize, but..you're already in constant extreme pain
If it's fear of the pain, I really sympathize, but..you're already in constant extreme pain
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by lostangel011
Basically afraid to leave. Trying to get support and stores of ESH from others so I can see their path and how they got there.
Im in a lot of pain and have no one or no where to share it. I thought this was a safe place.
Im in a lot of pain and have no one or no where to share it. I thought this was a safe place.
Moving the budget around to be something I could cover on my own without relying on AXH and blocking AXH's access to my income was the first thing I did. You're part of the way there already. Trying to control where his income goes to (when he has one) was an exercise in futility, and I think you're seeing that with your AH, too.
I didn't know in my heart that leaving him was for the best when I started planning. I knew I needed to do it, but not how I was going to do it, and my heart carried a lot of fear and guilt. Pushing on, though, was necessary. I rationalized it a lot with, "Well, I don't HAVE to leave. If I fix this, it's fixed. If I save money and don't leave, we can use it on something else." I didn't do it all at once. And I didn't work on it continuously. I'd decide I can do *this* today. I'd work on that and then days/weeks would go by before I'd finish it and move on to the next thing.
Actually making sure he couldn't withdraw my paycheck, which initially was less than what was needed to cover the bills, was the first step. I let him know I was going to take him off my account and he was furious. It was apparently a god-given right I was taking away from him. And I was berated for keeping what was "ours" from him. But his "ours" was lopsided: For income, what was his was his, and what was mine was ours. For bills, it was all mine.
AXH had issues with his credit before we got together, and I honestly don't know if it was still affecting him that late in our marriage or not, but he thought it was. There were options for him that made the need for a bank not as vital as he made it out (places cash paychecks for a fee, his work had an option to post the paycheck to a debit-card thing, etc.) But those options didn't give him access to my income.
Once I knew I could cover the bills (at least mostly), I started looking at what apartments went for and started budgeting for that move.
One step at a time.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Angel, it's great he has a high paying job because a lot of the money stresses will ease if he has access to his own money. In situations where one partner is financially irresponsible having an 'allowance' a very common arrangement. It gives the person discretion about where they spend their money but it doesn't mean they get more if they use it all up.
He's likely to be under enormous stress at the moment, so it's best not to buy into his tantrums or fantasies, and also not engage in a way that makes him even more stressed. He is lashing out at anything right now - stay neutral and visualise the chaos that's in his brain. I'm only a few months into a new job and it's not pleasant.
It would probably be better for both of you to make some distance at this stage so if he wants to move out, could you be ok with that? Time-out can be calming if you can stop yourself obsessing about his online activities.
As for the bike; I agree that, if it's yours, selling it would be a good move financially, but not to get revenge. Just be aware that it's a big step, maybe irreversible in terms of your marriage.
Summary of most of the advice here? Stay calm and carry on.
He's likely to be under enormous stress at the moment, so it's best not to buy into his tantrums or fantasies, and also not engage in a way that makes him even more stressed. He is lashing out at anything right now - stay neutral and visualise the chaos that's in his brain. I'm only a few months into a new job and it's not pleasant.
It would probably be better for both of you to make some distance at this stage so if he wants to move out, could you be ok with that? Time-out can be calming if you can stop yourself obsessing about his online activities.
As for the bike; I agree that, if it's yours, selling it would be a good move financially, but not to get revenge. Just be aware that it's a big step, maybe irreversible in terms of your marriage.
Summary of most of the advice here? Stay calm and carry on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Angel, it's great he has a high paying job because a lot of the money stresses will ease if he has access to his own money. In situations where one partner is financially irresponsible having an 'allowance' a very common arrangement. It gives the person discretion about where they spend their money but it doesn't mean they get more if they use it all up.
He's likely to be under enormous stress at the moment, so it's best not to buy into his tantrums or fantasies, and also not engage in a way that makes him even more stressed. He is lashing out at anything right now - stay neutral and visualise the chaos that's in his brain. I'm only a few months into a new job and it's not pleasant.
It would probably be better for both of you to make some distance at this stage so if he wants to move out, could you be ok with that? Time-out can be calming if you can stop yourself obsessing about his online activities.
As for the bike; I agree that, if it's yours, selling it would be a good move financially, but not to get revenge. Just be aware that it's a big step, maybe irreversible in terms of your marriage.
Summary of most of the advice here? Stay calm and carry on.
He's likely to be under enormous stress at the moment, so it's best not to buy into his tantrums or fantasies, and also not engage in a way that makes him even more stressed. He is lashing out at anything right now - stay neutral and visualise the chaos that's in his brain. I'm only a few months into a new job and it's not pleasant.
It would probably be better for both of you to make some distance at this stage so if he wants to move out, could you be ok with that? Time-out can be calming if you can stop yourself obsessing about his online activities.
As for the bike; I agree that, if it's yours, selling it would be a good move financially, but not to get revenge. Just be aware that it's a big step, maybe irreversible in terms of your marriage.
Summary of most of the advice here? Stay calm and carry on.
His bike AND car are in my name. I can't afford them on my paycheck alone and rent and bills. That's why I want to take them both back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Thanks everyone for all your kind words and level headed feedback. I'm in chaos right now and pain. Trying to see what a wY out would look like but too scared to let go at this moment.. May be in a F.O.G. (Thanks Amy for that definition)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Angel,
I think you are doing really good tonight.
Do you have time for another story of mine? Please, anytime you have had eno ugh of them, please just tell me so.
So when I left:
Well I somewhat left in Aug 2008. My friends, actually the wife was my best friend, and the husband was my husbands best friend, well, they bought a house in Pa. It was going to be where they moved to when they retired in 2 years. They were only going up on the weekend because the husbands father lived in Pa, and he was elderly, so they would go on the weekends to see him.
They gave me the key to their house. Told me I could stay there, no rent. So I went there. I returned to my home in Oct 2008. (That was really stupid of me to do). I had a dentist appt, so I thought I would go and get more clothes while my H was at work. My then H knew about the dentist appt. He had left the back door wide open, and left a note on the kitchen table addressed to the neighbors, but it was really for me, that he wouldn't be home for awhile and to thank them if they had to bring our dog back home. I had no idea of when he would come home, and I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer my calls. He came back 3 weeks later. So many apologies. I ended up staying till 12/31/2008. I couldn't deal with things anymore, couldn't deal with anything. I just got in the car and started driving. He called me, told me he wasn't coming home that night, I told him, the dog was there, I was going to friends house and he needed to go home. I also called a friend to make sure that if he didn't come home, that she could take care of my dog.
It was 1 1/2 hr drive. I don't recall much of the drive. That's how much he effed up my head for the 2 months that I was back there. I was in a haze. I couldn't think anymore. I just felt so disassociated from everything. It was really a weird feeling. Like I had nothing left of me anymore.
Well, got to my friends house, and I was expecting to hear, I don't understand why you went back, and more of that, instead, what I heard was, you look like you need a cup of tea.
There's more to this story about the healing process, but what I would like to say to you right now, is, it looks like you need a cup of tea.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I think you are doing really good tonight.
Do you have time for another story of mine? Please, anytime you have had eno ugh of them, please just tell me so.
So when I left:
Well I somewhat left in Aug 2008. My friends, actually the wife was my best friend, and the husband was my husbands best friend, well, they bought a house in Pa. It was going to be where they moved to when they retired in 2 years. They were only going up on the weekend because the husbands father lived in Pa, and he was elderly, so they would go on the weekends to see him.
They gave me the key to their house. Told me I could stay there, no rent. So I went there. I returned to my home in Oct 2008. (That was really stupid of me to do). I had a dentist appt, so I thought I would go and get more clothes while my H was at work. My then H knew about the dentist appt. He had left the back door wide open, and left a note on the kitchen table addressed to the neighbors, but it was really for me, that he wouldn't be home for awhile and to thank them if they had to bring our dog back home. I had no idea of when he would come home, and I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer my calls. He came back 3 weeks later. So many apologies. I ended up staying till 12/31/2008. I couldn't deal with things anymore, couldn't deal with anything. I just got in the car and started driving. He called me, told me he wasn't coming home that night, I told him, the dog was there, I was going to friends house and he needed to go home. I also called a friend to make sure that if he didn't come home, that she could take care of my dog.
It was 1 1/2 hr drive. I don't recall much of the drive. That's how much he effed up my head for the 2 months that I was back there. I was in a haze. I couldn't think anymore. I just felt so disassociated from everything. It was really a weird feeling. Like I had nothing left of me anymore.
Well, got to my friends house, and I was expecting to hear, I don't understand why you went back, and more of that, instead, what I heard was, you look like you need a cup of tea.
There's more to this story about the healing process, but what I would like to say to you right now, is, it looks like you need a cup of tea.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by lostangel011
.
His bike AND car are in my name. I can't afford them on my paycheck alone and rent and bills. That's why I want to take them both back.
His bike AND car are in my name. I can't afford them on my paycheck alone and rent and bills. That's why I want to take them both back.
It would pay to get some professional advice on how to move on this if you can't afford it and aren't sure of the best way to reduce your debt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
You might be able to transfer the financials and ownership to him now he has a job, because it's unsustainable for you alone.
It would pay to get some professional advice on how to move on this if you can't afford it and aren't sure of the best way to reduce your debt.
It would pay to get some professional advice on how to move on this if you can't afford it and aren't sure of the best way to reduce your debt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I would not, under any circumstances, keep your name on the motorcycle or car.
Also, I'm assuming you will not be renewing the lease--you said you could move home with your mother for awhile?
That might be a good idea when the lease is up to recharge yourself financially
and have some help with the kids.
(If you move into another apartment right away, he may try to follow when the inevitable
job loss occurs)
A secret bank account with statements sent to your mother's,
or having a family member hold money for you, would be
helpful right now. Don't hide cash in your house or car because they have a way of finding it.
Seeing a lawyer and finding out your legal rights / obligations if you choose to seperate, especially
in light of the shared bankruptcy filing, would be an excellent first step next week.
You can usually get a free consultation and I certainly wouldn't tell him about it.
You can still think things over, but knowing the legal details will give you some peace of mind.
Small steps--maybe open another account to save cash, make a legal appointment, talk to your mother, and so on . . .
Take care of you in little ways too. Long baths, extra sleep when you can,
go to bed early, make yourself herbal tea and eat healthy.
Maybe some walks if weather is nice with kids.
Things like that
Also, I'm assuming you will not be renewing the lease--you said you could move home with your mother for awhile?
That might be a good idea when the lease is up to recharge yourself financially
and have some help with the kids.
(If you move into another apartment right away, he may try to follow when the inevitable
job loss occurs)
A secret bank account with statements sent to your mother's,
or having a family member hold money for you, would be
helpful right now. Don't hide cash in your house or car because they have a way of finding it.
Seeing a lawyer and finding out your legal rights / obligations if you choose to seperate, especially
in light of the shared bankruptcy filing, would be an excellent first step next week.
You can usually get a free consultation and I certainly wouldn't tell him about it.
You can still think things over, but knowing the legal details will give you some peace of mind.
Small steps--maybe open another account to save cash, make a legal appointment, talk to your mother, and so on . . .
Take care of you in little ways too. Long baths, extra sleep when you can,
go to bed early, make yourself herbal tea and eat healthy.
Maybe some walks if weather is nice with kids.
Things like that
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other note (from a legal beagle), any hiding of assets (cash, etc.) must be TEMPORARY. Be sure that you disclose EVERYTHING to your lawyer, who will in turn disclose what needs to be disclosed. Hiding assets during divorce proceedings can land you in a world of hurt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just one other note (from a legal beagle), any hiding of assets (cash, etc.) must be TEMPORARY. Be sure that you disclose EVERYTHING to your lawyer, who will in turn disclose what needs to be disclosed. Hiding assets during divorce proceedings can land you in a world of hurt.
I'll talk to a lawyer for information tha could be helpful especially with the BK.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just to be clear, I can't give "legal advice" as such, here--this is general advice from someone with a legal background. It's not a matter of giving him access or not, but when the court is deciding division of marital assets, it needs to know what assets exist for dividing--when you're talking marital assets, whose name an asset is in doesn't control. Some property (e.g., an inheritance one party gets that is kept completely separate) might be non-marital property, but in general whatever either party acquires during marriage is potentially subject to division.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Your finances are a mess because he's a mess
with zero discipline or money management skills.
Sounds like you'll recover quickly and well on your own.
Glad to hear you are considering move with mom.
Really, just to not have him try to follow you would be worth it
money aside.
What good thing can you do just for you today
that gets him out of your mind and your focus on you?
Walk on the beach? Nice lunch out? Call a friend?
with zero discipline or money management skills.
Sounds like you'll recover quickly and well on your own.
Glad to hear you are considering move with mom.
Really, just to not have him try to follow you would be worth it
money aside.
What good thing can you do just for you today
that gets him out of your mind and your focus on you?
Walk on the beach? Nice lunch out? Call a friend?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
