To Control? Or not to Control?
 

Ugh... help me dear God! I have alcoholics in my life... yes. But it turns out that my ex, the father of my youngest daughter, gives me the most grief. He is so darn manipulative. He is emotionally and mentally abusive to his wife, in front of the kids, and she is equally as hostile. I have heard a recording of him yelling like some demon from hell to his step son. I have heard numerous stories from his other son and my oldest daughter (she goes for visits, but she is not legally his) about all sorts of questionable nonsense. A few examples? He gave my 9 year old two different types of medicine over the weekend for a stuffy nose.... a stuffy nose that she has from a cold like 3 weeks ago, and it is nothing more than a dry nose. She gets this often because she suffers from sinus issues. And he gives her two different types of medicine, and that made her throw up, and he tells me NOTHING about any of it. He also makes MY daughter (the one that is not his) put the phone that I pay for on the counter and tells her not to touch it all weekend unless it is me calling or texting. Apparently she is not allowed to talk with ANY of her friends while she is there? And over the summers, that requirement has to be for however long those visits are, sometimes weeks at a time. And honestly, I just feel that he does it so that she can't call the cops if she feels threatened.
But mostly, I just hate hearing about all of the hostility over at his house. I called the police one time when my daughter reached out to me while they were visiting him. I told the police my concerns and they said "well, we can go check it out." I said "okay". Later, he sent me a nasty letter about 'police harassment' and how when they got there, his wife told them nothing had happened and that I had done this before and was just trying to make him look bad.

I keep asking myself my motive for getting myself involved in these conversations with this narcissistic, dry drunk (though his DOC was meth)???? Do I REALLY have to talk to him EVER again?

I cut down my communication with him by requiring that we only communicate through a third party system that cannot be tampered with. And yes, he tampered with other messages in the past. He changed dates, omitted parts of conversations, moved things around, and submitted it all to court to make it seem like I was just the psychotic ex who is jealous about him and his wife. And the judge "sort of" bought it. I tried to take the high road and say "Your honor, I am not going to waste your time with all this he said she said nonsense. Give it some time, and he will prove my point."

And here we are, about 4 years later, and I want to control, control, control!!!! Getting angry at God that his timing is not MY timing. That all of this is going on, and he isn't getting his karmic return. I mean, it has to happen NOW right? Ugh.... He has done so many more things, and every time I think 'finally' he is going to be caught red handed, something comes and saves him from having to face up to any consequences. And I guess I can't stand it because these are my babies we are talking about. Maybe I am so wrapped up in the anxiety of it because I had to endure something very similar with my own father growing up, and my mother did nothing. And when I tried to do something, the courts did not believe me. There is no one on this earth that can get me riled up like this man.

So tonight, I took a bold step in my recovery. I am letting this go and trusting that God is going to remedy this situation in his own time, and that there are angels watching over my girls while they are there. I had told him a while ago that I wasn't going to respond to any of his nonsense any longer, and I slipped back into defending myself against his written lies about me, and then restating truths so that if it all had to be printed out for court again I could prove that what he says is not the truth.

But this time I simply told him that our poor kids' lives are riddled with family histories of drug and alcohol abuse and that NA/AA and/or Alanon can be life savers and offer peace. I said to him that I am no longer going to talk to him about any of my concerns and that I will just document them elsewhere. ..... that my only communication with him will be about schedules and important info such as illnesses and such.

I can't change him. I can't control him. I have got to get on with turning my life and will over to my God. And, I wanted to wait a year before I found a sponsor, but I'm thinking I should start looking now.

On a side note, my current abf is in recovery. Not very long, though. He has been in treatment and comes home next week. There have been sooooo many positive changes, however, such as him finally getting diagnosed with PTSD and getting the proper meds for his anxiety. I'm excited and nervous about all that. And my mother has been talking more and more about wanting to quit drinking, but alas, she has not committed to it yet. I'm also figuring out some stuff about Alateen for my daughters. I think it would greatly benefit them seeing as how they do have so many addicts and/or alcoholics in their lives. And I am also researching what it is to run Alateen groups. I feel very drawn to that type of service.

Thank you, as always, for listening dear friends. Peace be with us all...

Good article to come back to. Apparently I am not the only one. Funny thing about this article is that it says "disengage, disengage, disengage..."
Personally, I like our "detach, detach, detach..." slogan a little better. lol....

Coparenting sanity - tips on dealing with a narcissist | Coparenting With a Narcissist

AAAARRRGHHH Lemongirl this sounds really tough. Have you checked out the blog "One Mom's Battle" by Tina Swithin?

Oh lordy.

Best thing you can do is educate your DD through counseling and extensive knowledge about addictive behaviors.

I agree, detatch. I did, for my own sanity. I just had to go pick up my child from my X's house last weekend b/c he was drinking w/her there. I did not engage one little bit. Just put her in the car and left. He knew why, no explanation needed. I don't speak to him about anything except what is required. It has saved me a lot of anxiety, that is for sure.

Many, many hugs.

If your one daughter isn't his and isn't legally required to visit, might it be better not to subject her to him?

Jjj111, I send my oldest because she called him dad for so long and I wanted my girls together. It was an agonizing decision to do so. The older she has gotten, she has expressed to me that she doesn't view him like a father at all. She's about 13 1/2. So I give her the option of staying home more often. She will eventually stop going all together. His oldest son is 14 1/2 and he wants to stop going as well. His mom and I have a feeling that very soon he is going to punch his dad out and refuse to visit anymore. And in the state of California, you cannot force a teenager to show go for visits. My youngest is 9. She is going to have to endure all of it for a little while longer. And yes, the oldest is mad at me (sometimes) for having to go visit.... though this weekend, she chose to go for his birthday. And my youngest gets mad at me because her sister gets to stay home, but she can't. It's a no win for me! Lol...
And of course, the dad blames me and the other mom for the kids' feelings about him. He called it "parental alienation" in court. Has nothing to do with him in his eyes.....

And yesterday he tried to drag my abf into it. My controlling behavior led me to say things like "you and your wife's fighting needs to stop in front of the kids", and so he decided to start accusing my abf of drinking and driving with the kids in the car. All because one time my abf stupidly pounded a beer in my ex's bathroom and then placed the empty beer can under the sink! Lol... but you know.... my ex turning it into drinking and driving is the same types of twisted lies he does with me. My abf did decide to write my ex a message saying how he is sober and hasn't even had a drink in front of the girls for over a year and would never put them in harms way.... all of which are true. But I let that one go too.

I listened to an amazing third step study, and this guy Bob had so many gems of wisdom in it!

Anyway.... I've been rambling... one of the many perks of SR. Thanx for your responses and for listening.

Third Step Study with Bob (AA)
 

I wanted to share that 3rd step study here.
https://youtu.be/RlOeW55A2jY

Lemon, it does sound like you are figuring this out the best you can.

Your name made me think of Tina Swithin as she started an organization called "Lemonade" as in "when life gives you lemons"

LG, this situation does seem like an opportunity to meditate on what you can control and what you can't. It doesn't have to be control or not--you can focus on controlling selectively what is yours to control.

Honestly, your older daughter's situation strikes a chord for me because I suffered through life with an alcoholic/rageaholic father and I can only imagine what she's going through with your ex. I hear what you're saying that you've been trying to preserve her relationship with someone she once considered a father figure, but it sounds like she's been pretty clear that she doesn't enjoy visiting him anymore.

And I can understand that you're concerned about your younger daughter who is obligated to go. Sounds like she needs some protection from you, too, in ways that are open to you, whether it's documenting the abuse she suffers at her father's house and eventually trying to get supervised visitation, or making sure she has access to a phone and can call anytime she feels uncomfortable, or one of the many other coping strategies I've seen parents using here re: visitation with an addict ex.

I can't offer any ESH of my own on dealing with relationships between children and A parents/step-parents because I've never been in that situation, but I've read the stories of so many parents on here who have put so much time/effort into getting legal permission to cut back on visits between their children and addict exes in situations where the ex was the natural parent and had a legal claim to visitation. It occurs to me that you're maybe fortunate in that you don't have to go through that to protect your older daughter from your ex--this is something totally under your control. Just my $.02. I'm wishing peace and serenity for your and your kids.