RAH and My Narcissist Father
 

Hi all. It's been a while since I've been on the forum. Been in Al-Anon over 3 years and husband is sober for nearly 6 years.
I'm having issues when it comes to talking with my highly manipulative and narcissistic father.
My husband used to work for him(I still do) but was fired under very bad terms. My father basically backed everyone else in the company (money & security reasons) and fired my husband.
We ate through our savings over the past year of his unemployment (husband is severely depressed, hurt and resentful) and this past November my father mentioned the possibility of my husband working there again. My husband inquired but my dad never responded.
I am getting very frustrated at my dad with all of this (side story - my brother in law, who also works there, cheated on and left my sister and my dad didn't fire him). I'm honestly sick of all the games with my dad but to quit now would be financially irresponsible.
More than anything I'm worried about my husbands sobriety(he himself has talked about how much stress this is on it).
I am in the position to speak up to my dad and talk to him about how his actions are affecting us but I'm very worried he will lash out and go back to his manipulative ways and crush me with guilt.
I'm rambling. I hope I communicated this clearly. It's a way longer story but I don't want to type for days.

Any suggestions on how to support my husbands sobriety and grow up against my fathers manipulative ways?

If ur dad is truly a N, then the best thing you can do is find another job (both of you). He feeds on the supply of the drama he causes. Is there a reason you both HAVE to work for him? Are there no other options? He must be happy as a pig in sh*t to hold so much power over his family members!

I agree-if he is really a Narcissist, the power-trip and control would be
nearly irresistable.

If your husband were to go back if you appealed to your father,
what kind of treatment would he get from him and the other workers?
That might be more triggering than anything.

Dear Luri,

as daughter of a Narcissist father who also had a company with almost the whole family involved, I would tend to the same solution as Refiner: It might be best for your husband's and your own sanity (both spiritual and financial) to step away from that system and look for another work.

This might sound totally undoable at first because narcisstic systems tend to look unchangeable and without alternative. But they are not. They only work as long as people around the narcissist support them and feel fixed under the power of the narcissist.

From my own experience and the experience of my sister I know how hard and heartbreaking it can be to step away from such a system. How much you fear to not only lose your existence but also your place in the family and your whole "base". But it is possible. And it is for the best. Not only for your own sanity and the sanity of your husband in recovery, but for the whole system. Maybe even for the narcissist himself who loses a part of his support and gets closer to his own rock bottom.

My father has deceased last year, in peace with me but in no peace with my sister. And even if we all were very sad about it, it has healed the system of the family (and the company) and everyone now is in a much better place spiritually and even financially.

Stepping away from my narcissist father and his company has also helped me a great deal in my own recovery from co-addiction I was living with my partner. Still not all issues are solved, but I have gained much more strenght by knowing that I am able to leave a system that is doing damage to my sanity and makes me feel as if I had no choices.

I hope this all makes sense.

I am sorry you have to got through such a tough process of decision.

All the best for you

WritingSuzan

But don't hold your breath that the N will EVER hit their rock bottom. I've never known or heard of one reaching it. That's what makes them a true N.

the only way to make this a survivable healthy situation for YOU is to break the ties to your father.....as it is you are dependent upon him for employment, as was your husband. i'd urge you both to seek new avenues of employment in order to remove yourself from the dysfunction.

Unfortunately, the chances of a narcissist changing their ways are almost 0% unless they are willing to admit their issue, and get intensive help. Not something most of them will do.

I agree with the others. You need to both find other jobs and just step away for your own sanity. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but that would be my ultimate goal if I were in your shoes.

Many, many hugs to you. It has to be very hard dealing with all of this.

Thank you all for your responses. I know you are all right I just had to hear it from someone else. My husbands stance is either this works or we cut him out completely, which seems unfair. The idea would be not to work there anymore.

My husband sent him an email on Tuesday, trying to mend things out and just have a real conversation with him. My father OF COURSE did not respond and I have to see him everyday. So it's getting very tense at home with all of the "hey your dad didn't respond, did he say anything to you?" I'm honestly embarrassed beyond all hell at this point.

I've got to start a plan of action with my sponsor because in her opinion, she thinks I should stay there til I finish my degree. 😨😨😨

Is your husband concerned that he can't find a job someplace else because there's no one he can use as a reference?

It that's the case, maybe he needs to volunteer, take a class, do anything to hustle for references. Your father is not going to cut it, even if he DOES offer him a job back. You'll never know what kind of reference he could leave for your husband. Your husband can't take that chance.

The same goes for you. Build a list of professional references outside your father's realm BEFORE you start hustling for a job. Professors, volunteer coordinators, you name it. You don't have to ask them straight away for a reference - just touch base every once in a while and if you can, ask them for advice. Most people are SUPER flattered that you would consider them in a mentor role, and more than happy to oblige.

I can also say this speaking from experience - you may find that once you are financially independent of your father that your relationship changes significantly for the better. Not because you'll get his approval. Not that at all. But he'll realize that he absolutely has no power over you. He can scream about cutting you from the will or out of a job and it will be just inconsequential hot air. And you can walk away from it.

I honestly crave that feeling more than anything. I'm doing everything within my power to make the transition out, but my RAH is severely depressed and unmotivated. He isn't originally from the states so he has a small network of people so he doesn't have many options. I know what I have to do...but I have to trust that my husband will work things out. If I overstep, he resents me, if I do too much I enable him and he resents me. Gotta keep working my steps and taking it one step at a time.

Just wishing you success in dealing with a really tough situation Luri :grouphug:

You are right. Stay on your side of the street, one day, one moment, at a time.

Hugs to you.

My advice has nothing to do with your husband's feelings or your father's narcissism.

I think it's safer economically for two people to work at different places because if something happens to one company, both your incomes aren't at stake.