Gemlitigate

I recently started seeing a new therapist and one of the things she is having me take a good look at is all the second guessing and regret I have in ending what was clearly an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. In addition to why I can't or wont trust my instincts. She used a term called gaslighting that I had never heard of before, and the more I have read about it, the more I think maybe this was happening to me. There was so much blocking, diverting and blame shifting, that towards the end, I was sure it was me. That I was being unreasonable, that I was rocking the boat, what was wrong with me that I couldn't accept him for who he was.

It was very subtle. Some of the things he would say to me:

In response to me bringing up that I see certain bad patterns emerging, "I can't believe you are attacking me in my own home."

In response to me asking what he was doing, "you are just like your brother. You complain that he is critical of you, but you are so critical of me, you are just like him."

In response to me telling me he hurt my feelings, "You are way too sensitive and emotional. Nothing is good enough for you."

Does this sound like gaslighting? The further I get away from this entire situation the more appalled I am at myself for not recognizing it sooner.

Wisconsin

TOTALLY gaslighting. And my STBXAH did it all the time. It got worse, and much less subtle, as his disease progressed.

I'm glad you're out, Gem. ((HUGS))

Liveitwell

Yep x a million. My ex started this subtly but then it turned into all out abuse. Thank your lucky stars.

Hangnbyathread

Yep. Been there, done that.....welcome to addictions.

Hawkeye13

Now that you know better, you'll do better recognizing it in the future.

lostangel011

What is gaslighting exactly?

Wisconsin

Per Wikipedia, Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

I think this is a very good definition.

LexieCat

Yeah, it's different from just having a different perspective. And some alcoholics in denial (and possible memory loss) honestly do believe what they're saying. That isn't gaslighting, so much as it is just plain brain dysfunction. Gaslighting is intentional--to make you feel that YOU'RE the one losing your mind.

LifeRecovery

I agree with Lexie 100%.

I am starting to realize it does not matter if it is intentional or not.

As I have started to get better about listening to "the still, small voice within," the other person's reasons don't matter.....my body/my emotions/my thoughts let me call "bull poopy," if it is not matching up with my reality.

LexieCat

It really only makes a difference in terms of determining whether the alcoholic is an abuser or not. To that extent, it does make a difference--getting sober won't fix an abuser.

OTOH, you are absolutely right that in terms of recognizing when what you're told doesn't match up with reality, it makes no difference at all. It's always important to know what's real and what isn't.

Liveitwell

Lexie-spot on. As example, my ex is an abuser, sober or not. He purposely discounted my reality, and my daughters, and excuses and lies about his abuse. It was and is intentional. There IS a difference.

oldsoul1122

The term is from a movie called Gaslight..1944, in which a man tries to drive his new wife insane by secretly dimming a gaslight in their home. He's after her riches and this among other methods were ones he used. Great movie.
I'm glad you got help with this. I went through it and got to where I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. This guy moved things around the house, ran the battery down on the car, told me I was hearing things, you name it.

Gemlitigate

Maybe I am (was) really naive or in love or detached from reality, but I really would not have classified my exABF as abusive. Most of the time he was loving, affectionate and kind. Until I asked him questions he found "annoying" or needed emotional support. But reading about Gaslighting just gives me he chills. Not only did he do it to me, but I know see he did it to members of his family and work colleagues too. Sometimes he would relay a story or conversation to me where he claims he was being "attacked" and wrongfully accused and I could never quite see his side of it but of course gave him the benefit of the doubt.

LexieCat

Alcoholism is a disease of warped perception, among other things. He may very well have perceived himself as under attack at the time. That wouldn't be unusual. It's also common to try to distract other people from what the real problem is. Again, that would be a product of the disease rather than abuse (which is really all about controlling one's partner). The fact that he did it to co-workers and others as well, to me militates against considering him as abusive (in the DV sense of the word).

LifeRecovery

I agree Lexie.

I should rephrase.

I for a long time did not trust myself. That left me open to both gaslighting and hearing a difference of opinion made me "wrong, or bad," somehow.

There is a difference if it is intentional or not. However as I have started to feel better in myself it matters less to me as I get to call a spade a spade and not wallow in my own juices about it.

My internal process regarding intentionality is the same....what I do with it externally may be different.

Gem I should say this. My recovery has helped immensely in regards to all this.

I am almost six years out and just last week finally realized how much wool he was pulling over my eyes....because I tended to take it on as "my problem."

Liveitwell

One of my favorite quotes from my then husband: "you and I just aren't compatible bc you see things through a different lens and one I'll never escape". Yes, dear-your brain is warped. Mine is not. I live in reality-you live in delusional land. Two different lenses indeed. Just another way to try and gaslight me. It never ended.