Almost Alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
Almost Alcoholic
Oh my goodness. Here I am again.
I met my now ex-boyfriend 2 and 1/2 years ago. As our relationship progressed it became clear to me that he had a drinking problem. After one of his particularly rough drinking nights, I told him that while I enjoy spending time with him, that I would not be able to make plans with him for any type of future due to his drinking. He quit drinking; he'd been trying to for some time anyhow. He was attending regular meetings and we moved in together.
Now, this relationship was not without issues--some related to the usual alcoholic control, lack of coping skills etc. and some issues were my own--but there was a lot between us that was good and as he got close to 2 years sober, many of our issues were subsiding. Then he found the book: "Almost Alcoholic". Have any of you read or heard about this book? Well he read it and decided that he too might be an "almost alcoholic". I browsed through the book at some point and it appeared to be written for someone who is maybe getting a little too close to crossing the line into alcoholism, not someone like my boyfriend who has been trying to quit drinking for many years. I let him make his own decisions however, and he decided that he was going to reintroduce alcohol into his life in a controlled fashion as the book suggests, and how did I feel about that. I told him that I was sticking to my guns about not being able to live with him while he is drinking and that if he wanted to start drinking again, that we wouldn't be able to live together anymore. He decided he needed to test out the theory and we dismantled our home and our life together.
[Side note] At some point while we were packing up our things he mentioned that he had been resenting me for having casual drinks for the entire time we have been together, an issue I raised when we were planning to move in together. In order to be supportive of his sobriety, I mentioned that if it was better for me not to have drinks around him or have alcohol in the house, that I would do that. At that time he had said he didn't mind if I had the odd drink with friends and didn't even mind if there was occasionally a bottle of wine at home. I was pretty shocked to hear this 2 years later and realized that a lot what felt like resentment coming from him during our relationship actually was!
I ended up moving to another city--potentially temporary--in order to get my bearings and we decided to take a 3 month break so that he could drink again and see how that goes and also so that we might reassess our relationship. I was really sad and felt really unvalued. I'm not sure how he felt, but I could tell that he was excited about his first drink.
After 1 week of his controlled drinking experiment, he realized his mistake and is now back in the program, working the steps etc. He says he doesn't regret his decision because he needed to know that he wanted to be sober for him.
I'm at a loss as to whether or not I made the right decision, whether my moving away from him was too rash and unsupportive, or whether to be extremely angry with him for choosing 1 week of booze over our life together. Maybe I am lucky that this ended as cleanly as it did because this might very well be a cycle he can't shake but I still miss him and have no idea how I will feel when in 1 month, we revisit our relationship and discuss how we feel about our break. Any thoughts about any of this? Thanks for the ear. And yes, I realize I should be getting myself to an al anon meeting asap!
I met my now ex-boyfriend 2 and 1/2 years ago. As our relationship progressed it became clear to me that he had a drinking problem. After one of his particularly rough drinking nights, I told him that while I enjoy spending time with him, that I would not be able to make plans with him for any type of future due to his drinking. He quit drinking; he'd been trying to for some time anyhow. He was attending regular meetings and we moved in together.
Now, this relationship was not without issues--some related to the usual alcoholic control, lack of coping skills etc. and some issues were my own--but there was a lot between us that was good and as he got close to 2 years sober, many of our issues were subsiding. Then he found the book: "Almost Alcoholic". Have any of you read or heard about this book? Well he read it and decided that he too might be an "almost alcoholic". I browsed through the book at some point and it appeared to be written for someone who is maybe getting a little too close to crossing the line into alcoholism, not someone like my boyfriend who has been trying to quit drinking for many years. I let him make his own decisions however, and he decided that he was going to reintroduce alcohol into his life in a controlled fashion as the book suggests, and how did I feel about that. I told him that I was sticking to my guns about not being able to live with him while he is drinking and that if he wanted to start drinking again, that we wouldn't be able to live together anymore. He decided he needed to test out the theory and we dismantled our home and our life together.
[Side note] At some point while we were packing up our things he mentioned that he had been resenting me for having casual drinks for the entire time we have been together, an issue I raised when we were planning to move in together. In order to be supportive of his sobriety, I mentioned that if it was better for me not to have drinks around him or have alcohol in the house, that I would do that. At that time he had said he didn't mind if I had the odd drink with friends and didn't even mind if there was occasionally a bottle of wine at home. I was pretty shocked to hear this 2 years later and realized that a lot what felt like resentment coming from him during our relationship actually was!
I ended up moving to another city--potentially temporary--in order to get my bearings and we decided to take a 3 month break so that he could drink again and see how that goes and also so that we might reassess our relationship. I was really sad and felt really unvalued. I'm not sure how he felt, but I could tell that he was excited about his first drink.
After 1 week of his controlled drinking experiment, he realized his mistake and is now back in the program, working the steps etc. He says he doesn't regret his decision because he needed to know that he wanted to be sober for him.
I'm at a loss as to whether or not I made the right decision, whether my moving away from him was too rash and unsupportive, or whether to be extremely angry with him for choosing 1 week of booze over our life together. Maybe I am lucky that this ended as cleanly as it did because this might very well be a cycle he can't shake but I still miss him and have no idea how I will feel when in 1 month, we revisit our relationship and discuss how we feel about our break. Any thoughts about any of this? Thanks for the ear. And yes, I realize I should be getting myself to an al anon meeting asap!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think what he did isn't that unusual. Whether it is the harbinger of a pattern that will repeat is hard to say.
It doesn't do any good to second-guess your decision now. It sounds like a reasonable, sane one, to me--for what that's worth.
You won't know how you'll feel in a month until that month is up. I'd use the time to think about what you really want for yourself, and try to divorce that from the relationship--not thinking in terms of whether it is "unsupportive" to leave, for example. Your making decisions based on what you want for yourself will lead you in the right direction. Maybe you will want to keep some distance for the time being. Maybe you'll decide that the relationship isn't as important to you as you thought. Maybe you'll decide you'd rather move on without him. Anything is possible.
All I would suggest is that you make sure you maintain your independence from him (legally/financially/practically) long enough that you don't get jammed up if there's another relapse coming.
It doesn't do any good to second-guess your decision now. It sounds like a reasonable, sane one, to me--for what that's worth.
You won't know how you'll feel in a month until that month is up. I'd use the time to think about what you really want for yourself, and try to divorce that from the relationship--not thinking in terms of whether it is "unsupportive" to leave, for example. Your making decisions based on what you want for yourself will lead you in the right direction. Maybe you will want to keep some distance for the time being. Maybe you'll decide that the relationship isn't as important to you as you thought. Maybe you'll decide you'd rather move on without him. Anything is possible.
All I would suggest is that you make sure you maintain your independence from him (legally/financially/practically) long enough that you don't get jammed up if there's another relapse coming.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hey Battlescars, it sure sounds like it was the best decision you could make under the circumstances.
The more you can worry about doing the right thing for you the better. Use this time to learn as much as you can about yourself and what you want for yourself as you can. Come and post all you can!
The more you can worry about doing the right thing for you the better. Use this time to learn as much as you can about yourself and what you want for yourself as you can. Come and post all you can!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Almost alcoholic is like being a little bit pregnant. It might no be obvious at the beginning but give it a little time and the problem will be obvious.
I would keep your EX an EX. If he gets a couple of years solid sobriety you my wish to consider your options
I would keep your EX an EX. If he gets a couple of years solid sobriety you my wish to consider your options
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The disturbance to me is that he was willing to dismantle a life with someone in order to see if he could keep alcohol in his life. This is the alcoholic pattern, always looking for a way to keep #1 in the mix.
No, I don't think you made a mistake. For me I would need one year of devoted recovery before I would entertain reconciliation.
No, I don't think you made a mistake. For me I would need one year of devoted recovery before I would entertain reconciliation.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm going to try and say this gently, maybe he wanted out the relationship - as noted by his claim of simmering resentment for two years - and his sudden "willingness" to dismantle everything "just" so he could try drinking again. when in truth, he could have picked up a drink ANY TIME HE WANTED.
now that you've moved, i think i'd stay put or at least not move back. in fact, he hasn't indicated that yet right? still holding to the one month rule.
think long and hard about all this. and how easily he took that break. i kinda prefer partners who do NOT toss me out on a whim. and then a week later "discover" they were just fine after all!?
now that you've moved, i think i'd stay put or at least not move back. in fact, he hasn't indicated that yet right? still holding to the one month rule.
think long and hard about all this. and how easily he took that break. i kinda prefer partners who do NOT toss me out on a whim. and then a week later "discover" they were just fine after all!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
Thank you so much for all of our insight. anvilheadII, I have wondered that as well. It's tricky when dealing with an alcoholic. Maybe not everything is the alcohol. I know it played a factor in the breakup for sure, but potentially this was just his way out, in the same way that some people have affairs in order to get out. It was hard for me to separate what was his alcoholism and what was simply tapping out. I remember feeling distinctly that he was choosing something else, in the same way one feels like someone is having an affair. He wasn't, I'm sure. But choosing alcohol has that same slight turn away that is barely perceptible but which changes the whole frequency of a relationship. I think that's why I went so far away, subconsciously. Anyhow, thanks again for your support and responses.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
An addiction-alcoholism-IS just like an affair-it's a third party in a relationship and you get the same treatment-denial, crazy making, projection, lying, hiding things-it's all the same. By the way, I've read that book-it's ridiculous. And anybody reading that book already has a problem with their drinking-they're just looking for another excuse to continue-they can point to that book and say, see! I'm not that bad. (I did read it for my then husband and he was already off the Richter scale alcohokic). By the way, saying you're an almost alcoholic is kind of like saying you're maybe having an affair-nope-you either are or you arent. To me, after learning all I know about alcoholism from my own experiences and countless other ways, there is no grey area-either you are or you are not.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by battlescars 
Thank you so much for all of our insight. anvilheadII, I have wondered that as well. It's tricky when dealing with an alcoholic. Maybe not everything is the alcohol. I know it played a factor in the breakup for sure, but potentially this was just his way out, in the same way that some people have affairs in order to get out. It was hard for me to separate what was his alcoholism and what was simply tapping out. I remember feeling distinctly that he was choosing something else, in the same way one feels like someone is having an affair. He wasn't, I'm sure. But choosing alcohol has that same slight turn away that is barely perceptible but which changes the whole frequency of a relationship. I think that's why I went so far away, subconsciously. Anyhow, thanks again for your support and responses.
You sound like an innately wise person. Again big hug to you and keep posting.
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