honeypig

OK, I guess it's time for me to walk my talk a bit. A couple of weeks ago, there was a young gal at my Sunday night meeting. She was very upset--her qualifier was entering (I believe) a 90-day program, which is wonderful, but she was flat-out terrified to be alone, even for 90 days. I felt for her, since I have dealt w/that particular fear myself on more than one occasion. After the meeting, I went up to her and gave her my phone number, since the phone list for the meeting had not been updated and I was not on it yet.

I didn't see her at the meeting the next week. Last week, she was there and actually sought me out to say "I thought about you but just never got around to calling." I told her that was fine, she didn't have to call, the number was just in case I could help in any way.

So today I saw that she called while I was out doing errands. She asked if I wanted to go for coffee or dinner before the meeting tonight, even tho it was kind of short notice. I twisted and squirmed inside, all kinds of excuses--I have stuff to do at home, she is much younger than me and what if I can't make decent conversation, it IS short notice and I could just say I can't make it, I could pretend I never saw the message until I was leaving for the meeting. But none of those things is true. Not returning the call and meeting if she wanted to would amount to spiritual and recovery laziness, right? Suit up and show up, you recovery slug!

So I returned her call, my inner weenie self hoping maybe she'd called someone else and made other plans. Nope, she still would like to meet. OK, at 5:30 at the Perkins near the meeting.

I am astounded at everything that this simple request from a fellow Alanoid brought out! Holy cows! Such fear, such resistance, such overall weirdness--that will give me food for thought for days, as if I needed any more.

Off to finish my household tasks, then I need to leave about 5:15 to meet her. Seriously, I am shaking in my shoes, altho rationally I know there is NO REASON...will post later about how it went!

Here I am, Honeypig the Recovery Slug:

dandylion

honeypig....I'll bet if you thought really deeply, you can identify what your fear was coming from......

dandylion

honeypig

You know, dandy, if all I had to do was chat on the phone w/her, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. There is something about having to physically show up and deal w/another human being who I don't know well that winds me all into knots. I keep telling myself all I have to do is be there.

I guess it's just the lack of control, of the uncertainty--what will we talk about? Will the time drag? Will she think I'm an idiot?

It's much easier to hide under a rock (or behind a computer screen...).

BUT--OK, what did it take for her to reach out and ask for help/company/whatever? This is not about me, it's about her and how I could help, even if it's only a friendly voice, right? I can do that.

(Deep breath) leaving now.

Eddiebuckle

I know the feeling. However, service is gratitude in action; I will be mighty surprised if your next post says that this meeting was not worth the effort.

dandylion

Aha! So, you Do know.....lol.......

Honeypig....when was the first time you can remember that you worried that someone might think you were an idiot.....
That negative self-talk has to have an origin, somewhere........

I'll bet that you will handle it just fine...once you get there....
What do we know?.......we know that the best conversationalists are those who can listen really well...the greatest conversational skill is listening (careful llistening).
If you listen carefully....you can always find questions to ask.....and we know that people love to talk about themselves (to good listeners).....
after a while...there will always be something to relate to.........
Once you get relaxed......

I will be anxiously awaiting your report, tonight!!

dandylion

Bekindalways

Yep, what Dandy says here. I would just add making comforting monosyllabic noises is a nice skill to develop.

Hope it goes well Dandy!

AnvilheadII

Walking the talk......!

ladyscribbler

I recently had occasion to read about "Impostor Syndrome." You have an awesome recovery. No ifs, ands, or buts. I know how hard it is to FEEL what other people recognize, but it's there. I promise. You have an awesome recovery. Thank you for this thread.

How to Get Over Impostor Syndrome | World of Psychology

LexieCat

The speaker at tonight's AA meeting talked about having sponsored some 500 guys in his 36 years sober, and he said most of what he did was say, "Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Really. Huh."

Bekindalways

Exactly Lexiecat. That is what I meant by monosyllabic sounds. In a way it is funny, but don't we all need this at some point.

Also I meant to say, "Hope it goes well Honeypig" above.

honeypig

Oh, you guys, you are really the greatest--thanks so much for all the helpful, encouraging and funny posts!

As everyone but ME seemed to know would happen, things went just fine. She's a very nice and intelligent young woman who was glad to chat about her job, the fun she had at the Snow Ball dinner and dance (local Alanon annual fundraiser) the night before, and how in just the few weeks that ABF has been in rehab, she's starting to enjoy her own space. Really, she is doing very well, making a lot of progress, and it's great to see that!

I did worry about how I came across--it's hard for me to relax and believe, as Brene Brown would say, that "I am enough." But I gotta practice if I want to learn how, right??

(Big sigh of relief)

Again, thank you all so much for your input. Dandy, thanks for making me think about what specifically the fear was and where it might have come from. LS, that article is good; I appreciate you posting the link. Eddiebuckle, I really love "service is gratitude in action", haven't heard that before. Lexie, I snorted fizzy water out my nose when I read your comment, thank you very much!

Good night to all--I'm going to bed a very happy camper tonight...

happybeingme

Great example of recovery in action. Thank you for sharing. I really admire you.