Zircon

Hi,
Just me again. I'm packing to move. I was supposed to move last Wednesday, but due to my new place being cleaned, had to push it till this Tuesday.
I feel like such a broken woman. Actually not sure how too feel anymore. Not sure if I'll ever be able to feel anything again. I'm trying to be positive. My friends are very supportive, but life continues to go on.
I'm trying to help my daughter by letting her use my car to take my grandkids places, then I panic that I have so much to do, that I really need my car. She has helped me a lot.
I stacked wood yesterday at my new house. It felt good doing something really physical, but I'm paying for it today.
My ah and our lives were so connected over the last 12 years. I'm here crying my eyes out about what will never be.
I'm packing the house and cleaning as I go. Most of the stuff was mine before we married. My ah lived like a true bachelor.
I guess I want my ah to feel some of the pain and hurt I'm feeling. But I guess how can someone feel those emotions if they don't think they've done anything to cause the situation.
I'm just such a mess today, when will all these feeling stop flooding my brain.
I truely wish my ah well, but I want him to feel some of this pain, and know what it feels like to have to change his whole life, and know loss. Maybe none of these things will ever happen to him. It used to make me angry, now it only makes me sad.
I just need to make it through my move next week, then I will have to face the divorce.
Thank you for listening to me.

Hawkeye13

Grief is an important part of healing Zircon.
The flow of feelings is really important to honor.
I hope he learns what he's lost, and finds recovery too,
but letting that resolution go from your end is best for now.

Moving is always hard, but you will feel better
and you will find peace again.

LexieCat

You don't KNOW what he's feeling. My bet is that he feels loss, too, but he's numbing himself and not about to show it to you, of all people. How he feels isn't your concern, though.

I think you wouldn't be a normal human being if you weren't feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed right now. Here's what to keep in mind (memorize it!): The way you feel right now is ZERO indication of how you will feel five years from now.

I picked five years as sort of an arbitrary milestone. You will feel better MUCH sooner than that. My point really is that five years from now you will be feeling strong, competent, and confident again. (Most of the time, anyway--we all have "those days"--even people with whatever would be considered normal lives.) You will still be you, but a better, stronger you.

Hugs, I think just getting through the whole move and getting settled in your new place will be a big improvement.

honeypig

Zircon, I can relate. XAH and I were very enmeshed also. I am not the one who moved out, but what that meant was that I am still living in the house where he laid the bathroom tile floor, we laid the pine bedroom floor together, he put in the blinds, we painted many times--there is hardly a square foot of my house or land that doesn't have at least a memory, if not a physical imprint, from the 21 years we spent here. He was a fixer and builder, and it breaks my heart to think how an intelligent, physically strong, thoughtful and talented soul can be gradually eroded and turned into something dishonest and twisted by alcohol.

I started a few threads where you might find some things that resonate w/you at this time. Here are the links:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-i-guess.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...different.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

You WILL feel better; just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Cross that bridge one step at a time.

dandylion

Zircon....I feel pretty sure that I have posted to you concerning this very thing, before......
You seem impatient and want to have precise answers....So, here goes: The first six weeks are the hardest of all...a kalediscope of rapidly alternating emotions of sadness, anger, obsessive th oughts, feelings of abandonment, crying, sleeplessness, lack of clear direction, difficulty focusing at times, etc....

Over a six month period...the immediate disturbing symptoms tend to level out to a large extent...to where you don't feel that you are falling apart...and, you can meet your activities of daily living as you are expected......
The emotions are still there...but not as often and not as disrupting.....
After 6mo.----the period of laying down some new patterns and venturing into a newer, reorganized life begins to happen....still with the emotions...the kalidescipe.....but even less often and with a quicker turn-around than before....
At the one year mark---a magical thing begins to happen---it becomes more like "history"...than current happening.....more of looking forward than looking back......Oh, sure, the emotions..the kalidescope....will get triggered, briefly....because it does take time to heal completely.......

Having said this....there are variations among people...there are many variables that come into play....it would take a new thread to list them all....
For example....how much baggage was brought from earlier l ife into the relationship, in the first place....how much unfinished grieving from earlier losses might be hiding under the surface.....how willing the person is to accept help.....the quality of other close human connections in the persons life.....how good the basic coping skills are in general..
Like I said....one could fill the whole page.......

Grieving serves a valuable function.....you cn't be free to go o n with your life until you allow the p rocess to proceed...grieving is the first step of healing......
There is no going around it...unless you want to really ***k up yourself....
The only way is through it.....

There are times in every life when grief comes...nobody gets through life scot free....though we would all like to....

You must understand...accept....that this is short-term pain for the long-term gain......It will pass....it will go away...in it's own time......

It is o.k. to feel sad...it is healthy to cry....to cry a lot!!

Just because you feel like crap now...doesn't mean that you wont laugh and feel joy, later......

Accept that sometimes. delayed gratification has it's place.....

Now, I have been around the block enough to know that these "answers" of mine will roll off you like water off a duck's back......
But, maybe something will stick in the back of your mind that will help you down the line........................maybe..

dandylion

honeypig

This ^^ from dandy's post reminds me of a revelation I had a while ago. I guess that probably healthy people know this right from the get-go, but it was surely a new thought for me: Just b/c I feel good right now is no guarantee I won't ever feel bad again. And just b/c I feel bad right now is no guarantee I won't ever feel good again.

So there it is, my "Profound Thought of the Day", free of charge and yours to use if you like.

dandylion

Zircon....I would just l ike to add that I don't just talk to hear my head roar.....

One time I went through a break-up....and, I was the worst hot mess that you have ever seen! If you look in the dictionary...the definition of "hot mess" is:
Dandylion's break-up....

there was a period of time where I lost my husband (sudden death), sister to M.S., favorite cousin, my 15yr. old german shepard, three houses (housing crisis--all under water just as my husband died, and my 92yr. old mother went into the hospital ......all within one year oeriod of time......
So, you can see....I know a bit about grieving, ,myself.....

Also, I have been in the medical profession all of my life.....and I have walked with many, many, souls as they have gone through the process.....

I have seen the face of grief many times......

dandylion

LexieCat

Yup--"This, too, shall pass" applies to EVERYTHING--the bad and the good. It's actually a very Buddhist concept--the impermanence of everything. It's something I struggle with in my own life--even with silly stuff like housecleaning (not that I do much of it)--but it's NOT FAIR that stuff keeps getting dirty! It's NOT FAIR that I've got a few scratches/dings now on my new car.

But as far as the Universe goes, it's the way things work. Life isn't always fair. Virtue isn't always rewarded (at least outside of your inner self). Bad deeds sometimes go unpunished (again, at least from our vantage point).

In AA they call it "accepting life on life's terms."

Zircon

Hi,
I appreciate everyone's thoughts, support, and advice.
I think I'm doing better today. Trying to finish my packing for my move tommorrow. Keeping myself focused on today.
I know in my heart that this was the right thing to do. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to be temporary.
I think my biggest issue is the lack of control or the ability to try and fix it. I think that is part of who I am. I'm a nurse,and a mother. My job has always been to fix things, make them better.
I have supported people during end of life, who wanted so desperately to live, yet was finally at peace and comfortable let go of life.
My hope for me on this day before my move is I find a peace and am able to let the life I knew go, and embrace my new life with courage and strength.

Lilro

My hope for me on this day before my move is I find a peace and am able to let the life I knew go, and embrace my new life with courage and strength.


You'll get there Z. Deep Breath. You've got a whole new life ahead of you!! Go get it!
Xoxo Ro

FeelingGreat

Zircon you're doing the hard yards right now, but it will pay off and I hope it's sooner than you think.

Your AH may or may not be feeling as bad as you, but you wouldn't want to be in his shoes the way he's going.

dandylion

Zircon....moving is one of the most stressful things a person can do....
You will muscle through this, somehow....and, you will feel better....
I promise......

dandylion

Bekindalways

Feelinggreat said it, "hard yards".

You can count on AH for not feeling so badly as he will most certainly drink to eradicate the bad feelings. When I go through times like this aka moving/divorce/death I understand why people drink. Grieving just SUCKS! And it is absolutely part of being a healthy human being.