New to forum - Help Needed Please
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
New to forum - Help Needed Please
I am new to the forum and do not know where to start. I guess I will start with the obvious. My boyfriend of a year and half is an alcoholic. I did not know this for many months and the story is just unraveling . He hid it well. His mom is an alcoholic and last year decided to go to AA for a few months as he was "concerned" over his drinking. He did well and stopped drinking and stopped going to AA. He was doing very well. There were no concerns until he started a new job.
Over the past month he has gotten very distant. Started to break plans with me which was very uncharacteristic. He admitted he has a problem and needs helps. I went so far as to find him a therapist that specializes in addiction and depression. He says he is going but will not go back to AA. He said he is depressed and needs space. I told him I would do that. The problem is he continued to make plans with me and broke them all. Sometimes without letting me know. I needed help one day and he didn't show up. Another time he showed up with alcohol on his breath. I asked him to leave.
Before this, we spent a lot of time together and he was a great dependable man. He was my rock. We were planning an engagement. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He changed. He is no longer the same man. He is a stranger to me.
In the meantime, I am literally broken. I do not eat, am depressed and crying most of the time. My friends and family who loved this man as well are all shocked by his change. I haven't told them about the alcohol yet. My question is how do you manage the pain? I feel like I was punched in the stomach and I am in agony over the pain I feel. I literally and do not know how to manage the pain. I am scared that he will drink himself to death. I also feel abandoned and so very angry.
Tonight was the end for me. I broke up with him. How do you stay strong and stick with this?
What suggestions do you have for managing this? I should note I am reading a lot about alcoholism. I am not a big drinker and this is the first time I've dealt with this.
Thanks in advance for your help - I can really use it. I feel so lost like never before.
Over the past month he has gotten very distant. Started to break plans with me which was very uncharacteristic. He admitted he has a problem and needs helps. I went so far as to find him a therapist that specializes in addiction and depression. He says he is going but will not go back to AA. He said he is depressed and needs space. I told him I would do that. The problem is he continued to make plans with me and broke them all. Sometimes without letting me know. I needed help one day and he didn't show up. Another time he showed up with alcohol on his breath. I asked him to leave.
Before this, we spent a lot of time together and he was a great dependable man. He was my rock. We were planning an engagement. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He changed. He is no longer the same man. He is a stranger to me.
In the meantime, I am literally broken. I do not eat, am depressed and crying most of the time. My friends and family who loved this man as well are all shocked by his change. I haven't told them about the alcohol yet. My question is how do you manage the pain? I feel like I was punched in the stomach and I am in agony over the pain I feel. I literally and do not know how to manage the pain. I am scared that he will drink himself to death. I also feel abandoned and so very angry.
Tonight was the end for me. I broke up with him. How do you stay strong and stick with this?
What suggestions do you have for managing this? I should note I am reading a lot about alcoholism. I am not a big drinker and this is the first time I've dealt with this.
Thanks in advance for your help - I can really use it. I feel so lost like never before.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and sorry you're dealing with this.
First suggestion, find an Al-Anon meeting, and start attending. Breakups always hurt, no matter what the cause. But it can help ease the pain if you understand how the disease works and accept that there's nothing you could have done to change it. The comforting thing is that he seems to accept that he has a problem, and it may take some time but eventually he may very well go back to AA. I know quite a few people who came in, had to go out and do some more drinking (sometimes for a few years) before they are ready to do the work required to stay sober.
One thing that helped me when I left my second husband after living together only a few months after our wedding (he went back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married) was to envision myself placing him in the hands of HIS Higher Power. You don't have to be religious--all it takes is accepting that he has his own path, just as you have yours.
As painful as this is right now, you've spared yourself a lot MORE pain that would have come if you had married him or--god forbid--had children with him.
Stick around here, read the "sticky" threads up top, and do check out those Al-Anon meetings.
Hugs,
First suggestion, find an Al-Anon meeting, and start attending. Breakups always hurt, no matter what the cause. But it can help ease the pain if you understand how the disease works and accept that there's nothing you could have done to change it. The comforting thing is that he seems to accept that he has a problem, and it may take some time but eventually he may very well go back to AA. I know quite a few people who came in, had to go out and do some more drinking (sometimes for a few years) before they are ready to do the work required to stay sober.
One thing that helped me when I left my second husband after living together only a few months after our wedding (he went back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married) was to envision myself placing him in the hands of HIS Higher Power. You don't have to be religious--all it takes is accepting that he has his own path, just as you have yours.
As painful as this is right now, you've spared yourself a lot MORE pain that would have come if you had married him or--god forbid--had children with him.
Stick around here, read the "sticky" threads up top, and do check out those Al-Anon meetings.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
You sound so much like me. My addict broke up with me almost four months ago now, as soon as he relapsed. We were in love, he was wonderful, planning on living together and getting engaged, so on and so forth. It all literally disappeared overnight. He had been clean for 8 years when we started dating, though I have my doubts now that that was completely accurate. One afternoon he was in love with me and so attentive and wanted me for the rest of his life, and the very next morning he broke up with me and was this completely cold and aloof guy I had never met before. "I don't want to be in a committed relationship, I don't want anyone to care about me, I can't do this, etc"
The pain is intense, and I too couldn't eat or sleep. Couldn't focus on anything. Stopped caring about work. Rolled out of bed each morning and wore the same clothes day after day. It's been four months and I still get waves of that intensity. There are days I still need to hide and cry while at work. And I still haven't got back to working out or eating as much as I used to. And I still wear the same clothes almost everyday.
I say all that because at first I kept telling myself to be strong and grin and bear it- the pain would go away in a week or two. That turned out to be a completely unrealistic goal. I'm not done with the pain even now. And each day past the first two weeks that it wasn't gone would send me into a panic and make me feel even worse, because I was failing my expectations of moving on quickly.
So what has helped a little? Most of all reading all about addiction. Learning how addicts think and act, reading stories of others who have been where I am now. Knowing I am not alone in this feeling. I'm still struggling to accept that what my ex has done is nothing personal against me. I hope I can believe that some day.
Going to Al Anon and Nar Anon. Try different groups. They all have a different feel, and I felt uncomfortable at first, but now it's good to have that face to face support from others going through the same thing. It's good to be somewhere where people get it. I also do individual therapy.
I changed up as much as I could in my life, at least temporarily. Listen to different music. Watch different TV shows. Rearrange your furniture. Paint your walls. Buy new sheets. Try new foods. Make some adjustments so you aren't going through the exact same motions and being triggered by things that remind you of him. I changed up my weekend routine. We used to stay in on Friday nights with takeout and a movie. Now I make it a point to meet up with someone and go out to eat on Friday nights. It's a small thing but I look forward to it all week, and it distracts me from missing my Friday nights with him.
Personally, I had to give up the brave front I was putting on for the first few weeks and finally break down. I had to cry. I had to tell a few close friends what was going on and cry to them. I had to curl up for days in my bed and do nothing but watch TV and sleep. I isolate for a little while and process things on my own before venturing out into the world to see friends and try to do anything social. If you feel the need to wallow for a little bit, do that. But one day you will need to force yourself to get out and try something fun. You don't have to go out for long, but go out there and attempt to have fun with some friends and if it doesn't work go home to your blankets and try again in a few days.
The pain may be too strong right now, but at some point try and pour yourself into a hobby or learn something new. You'll eventually need a distraction from thinking of him and addiction. I've always been a theatre fan so I am working on writing a play. I'm new to this format of writing so I got a few books about playwriting to read and it's a nice thing to focus on.
Four months later I still wallow a bit on the weekends. I still wake up every morning and feel my heart drop to my knees. It's still a struggle to get up and get to work and do my job. But I have found that I feel some relief at night when I can crawl under my covers and read or watch tv, so I get myself through each day by repeatedly telling myself "at the end of the day you can have your covers back."
You'll get a lot of good advice here, and push yourself to try the suggestions, but also remember that everyone does this their own way on their own timeline and you'll know what pace is right for you.
P.S.- The Classic Reading sticky has a lot of really great informative and comforting stuff.
The pain is intense, and I too couldn't eat or sleep. Couldn't focus on anything. Stopped caring about work. Rolled out of bed each morning and wore the same clothes day after day. It's been four months and I still get waves of that intensity. There are days I still need to hide and cry while at work. And I still haven't got back to working out or eating as much as I used to. And I still wear the same clothes almost everyday.
I say all that because at first I kept telling myself to be strong and grin and bear it- the pain would go away in a week or two. That turned out to be a completely unrealistic goal. I'm not done with the pain even now. And each day past the first two weeks that it wasn't gone would send me into a panic and make me feel even worse, because I was failing my expectations of moving on quickly.
So what has helped a little? Most of all reading all about addiction. Learning how addicts think and act, reading stories of others who have been where I am now. Knowing I am not alone in this feeling. I'm still struggling to accept that what my ex has done is nothing personal against me. I hope I can believe that some day.
Going to Al Anon and Nar Anon. Try different groups. They all have a different feel, and I felt uncomfortable at first, but now it's good to have that face to face support from others going through the same thing. It's good to be somewhere where people get it. I also do individual therapy.
I changed up as much as I could in my life, at least temporarily. Listen to different music. Watch different TV shows. Rearrange your furniture. Paint your walls. Buy new sheets. Try new foods. Make some adjustments so you aren't going through the exact same motions and being triggered by things that remind you of him. I changed up my weekend routine. We used to stay in on Friday nights with takeout and a movie. Now I make it a point to meet up with someone and go out to eat on Friday nights. It's a small thing but I look forward to it all week, and it distracts me from missing my Friday nights with him.
Personally, I had to give up the brave front I was putting on for the first few weeks and finally break down. I had to cry. I had to tell a few close friends what was going on and cry to them. I had to curl up for days in my bed and do nothing but watch TV and sleep. I isolate for a little while and process things on my own before venturing out into the world to see friends and try to do anything social. If you feel the need to wallow for a little bit, do that. But one day you will need to force yourself to get out and try something fun. You don't have to go out for long, but go out there and attempt to have fun with some friends and if it doesn't work go home to your blankets and try again in a few days.
The pain may be too strong right now, but at some point try and pour yourself into a hobby or learn something new. You'll eventually need a distraction from thinking of him and addiction. I've always been a theatre fan so I am working on writing a play. I'm new to this format of writing so I got a few books about playwriting to read and it's a nice thing to focus on.
Four months later I still wallow a bit on the weekends. I still wake up every morning and feel my heart drop to my knees. It's still a struggle to get up and get to work and do my job. But I have found that I feel some relief at night when I can crawl under my covers and read or watch tv, so I get myself through each day by repeatedly telling myself "at the end of the day you can have your covers back."
You'll get a lot of good advice here, and push yourself to try the suggestions, but also remember that everyone does this their own way on their own timeline and you'll know what pace is right for you.
P.S.- The Classic Reading sticky has a lot of really great informative and comforting stuff.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hI nj, I'm sorry for your pain. It's awful when you're upset and can't find anything that gives relief.
I'm not sure if you're asking how to handle the pain, or how to stick with your ABF and help him? Your relationship started so well, and you fell in love with a sober man, but the man you see now is an alcoholic. Part of the definition of an A is that the alcohol comes first, and the need for it all-consuming. He's breaking dates because when he makes them he kids himself that he won't drink, then drinks anyway. He knows he can't turn up drunk, so he bails. It's not aimed at you, even though it's hurtful, it's just that he's lost the ability to resist drinking. Non-As might feel like a drink occasionally but are capable of deferring it if they have something else to do. Not so As.
Where to from now? Read the stickies at the top of this forum to educate yourself. Maybe seek help from a counsellor and of course your friends and family. Try to get through this for your own sake. If you return while he's still drinking it will be more of the same, but he will have to make the decision to seek help. He sounds like a great guy, minus the alcohol, so who knows?
I'm not sure if you're asking how to handle the pain, or how to stick with your ABF and help him? Your relationship started so well, and you fell in love with a sober man, but the man you see now is an alcoholic. Part of the definition of an A is that the alcohol comes first, and the need for it all-consuming. He's breaking dates because when he makes them he kids himself that he won't drink, then drinks anyway. He knows he can't turn up drunk, so he bails. It's not aimed at you, even though it's hurtful, it's just that he's lost the ability to resist drinking. Non-As might feel like a drink occasionally but are capable of deferring it if they have something else to do. Not so As.
Where to from now? Read the stickies at the top of this forum to educate yourself. Maybe seek help from a counsellor and of course your friends and family. Try to get through this for your own sake. If you return while he's still drinking it will be more of the same, but he will have to make the decision to seek help. He sounds like a great guy, minus the alcohol, so who knows?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Hi, and sorry you're dealing with this.
First suggestion, find an Al-Anon meeting, and start attending. Breakups always hurt, no matter what the cause. But it can help ease the pain if you understand how the disease works and accept that there's nothing you could have done to change it. The comforting thing is that he seems to accept that he has a problem, and it may take some time but eventually he may very well go back to AA. I know quite a few people who came in, had to go out and do some more drinking (sometimes for a few years) before they are ready to do the work required to stay sober.
One thing that helped me when I left my second husband after living together only a few months after our wedding (he went back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married) was to envision myself placing him in the hands of HIS Higher Power. You don't have to be religious--all it takes is accepting that he has his own path, just as you have yours.
As painful as this is right now, you've spared yourself a lot MORE pain that would have come if you had married him or--god forbid--had children with him.
Stick around here, read the "sticky" threads up top, and do check out those Al-Anon meetings.
Hugs,
First suggestion, find an Al-Anon meeting, and start attending. Breakups always hurt, no matter what the cause. But it can help ease the pain if you understand how the disease works and accept that there's nothing you could have done to change it. The comforting thing is that he seems to accept that he has a problem, and it may take some time but eventually he may very well go back to AA. I know quite a few people who came in, had to go out and do some more drinking (sometimes for a few years) before they are ready to do the work required to stay sober.
One thing that helped me when I left my second husband after living together only a few months after our wedding (he went back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married) was to envision myself placing him in the hands of HIS Higher Power. You don't have to be religious--all it takes is accepting that he has his own path, just as you have yours.
As painful as this is right now, you've spared yourself a lot MORE pain that would have come if you had married him or--god forbid--had children with him.
Stick around here, read the "sticky" threads up top, and do check out those Al-Anon meetings.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Priscilla84
You sound so much like me. My addict broke up with me almost four months ago now, as soon as he relapsed. We were in love, he was wonderful, planning on living together and getting engaged, so on and so forth. It all literally disappeared overnight. He had been clean for 8 years when we started dating, though I have my doubts now that that was completely accurate. One afternoon he was in love with me and so attentive and wanted me for the rest of his life, and the very next morning he broke up with me and was this completely cold and aloof guy I had never met before. "I don't want to be in a committed relationship, I don't want anyone to care about me, I can't do this, etc"
The pain is intense, and I too couldn't eat or sleep. Couldn't focus on anything. Stopped caring about work. Rolled out of bed each morning and wore the same clothes day after day. It's been four months and I still get waves of that intensity. There are days I still need to hide and cry while at work. And I still haven't got back to working out or eating as much as I used to. And I still wear the same clothes almost everyday.
I say all that because at first I kept telling myself to be strong and grin and bear it- the pain would go away in a week or two. That turned out to be a completely unrealistic goal. I'm not done with the pain even now. And each day past the first two weeks that it wasn't gone would send me into a panic and make me feel even worse, because I was failing my expectations of moving on quickly.
So what has helped a little? Most of all reading all about addiction. Learning how addicts think and act, reading stories of others who have been where I am now. Knowing I am not alone in this feeling. I'm still struggling to accept that what my ex has done is nothing personal against me. I hope I can believe that some day.
Going to Al Anon and Nar Anon. Try different groups. They all have a different feel, and I felt uncomfortable at first, but now it's good to have that face to face support from others going through the same thing. It's good to be somewhere where people get it. I also do individual therapy.
I changed up as much as I could in my life, at least temporarily. Listen to different music. Watch different TV shows. Rearrange your furniture. Paint your walls. Buy new sheets. Try new foods. Make some adjustments so you aren't going through the exact same motions and being triggered by things that remind you of him. I changed up my weekend routine. We used to stay in on Friday nights with takeout and a movie. Now I make it a point to meet up with someone and go out to eat on Friday nights. It's a small thing but I look forward to it all week, and it distracts me from missing my Friday nights with him.
Personally, I had to give up the brave front I was putting on for the first few weeks and finally break down. I had to cry. I had to tell a few close friends what was going on and cry to them. I had to curl up for days in my bed and do nothing but watch TV and sleep. I isolate for a little while and process things on my own before venturing out into the world to see friends and try to do anything social. If you feel the need to wallow for a little bit, do that. But one day you will need to force yourself to get out and try something fun. You don't have to go out for long, but go out there and attempt to have fun with some friends and if it doesn't work go home to your blankets and try again in a few days.
The pain may be too strong right now, but at some point try and pour yourself into a hobby or learn something new. You'll eventually need a distraction from thinking of him and addiction. I've always been a theatre fan so I am working on writing a play. I'm new to this format of writing so I got a few books about playwriting to read and it's a nice thing to focus on.
Four months later I still wallow a bit on the weekends. I still wake up every morning and feel my heart drop to my knees. It's still a struggle to get up and get to work and do my job. But I have found that I feel some relief at night when I can crawl under my covers and read or watch tv, so I get myself through each day by repeatedly telling myself "at the end of the day you can have your covers back."
You'll get a lot of good advice here, and push yourself to try the suggestions, but also remember that everyone does this their own way on their own timeline and you'll know what pace is right for you.
P.S.- The Classic Reading sticky has a lot of really great informative and comforting stuff.
The pain is intense, and I too couldn't eat or sleep. Couldn't focus on anything. Stopped caring about work. Rolled out of bed each morning and wore the same clothes day after day. It's been four months and I still get waves of that intensity. There are days I still need to hide and cry while at work. And I still haven't got back to working out or eating as much as I used to. And I still wear the same clothes almost everyday.
I say all that because at first I kept telling myself to be strong and grin and bear it- the pain would go away in a week or two. That turned out to be a completely unrealistic goal. I'm not done with the pain even now. And each day past the first two weeks that it wasn't gone would send me into a panic and make me feel even worse, because I was failing my expectations of moving on quickly.
So what has helped a little? Most of all reading all about addiction. Learning how addicts think and act, reading stories of others who have been where I am now. Knowing I am not alone in this feeling. I'm still struggling to accept that what my ex has done is nothing personal against me. I hope I can believe that some day.
Going to Al Anon and Nar Anon. Try different groups. They all have a different feel, and I felt uncomfortable at first, but now it's good to have that face to face support from others going through the same thing. It's good to be somewhere where people get it. I also do individual therapy.
I changed up as much as I could in my life, at least temporarily. Listen to different music. Watch different TV shows. Rearrange your furniture. Paint your walls. Buy new sheets. Try new foods. Make some adjustments so you aren't going through the exact same motions and being triggered by things that remind you of him. I changed up my weekend routine. We used to stay in on Friday nights with takeout and a movie. Now I make it a point to meet up with someone and go out to eat on Friday nights. It's a small thing but I look forward to it all week, and it distracts me from missing my Friday nights with him.
Personally, I had to give up the brave front I was putting on for the first few weeks and finally break down. I had to cry. I had to tell a few close friends what was going on and cry to them. I had to curl up for days in my bed and do nothing but watch TV and sleep. I isolate for a little while and process things on my own before venturing out into the world to see friends and try to do anything social. If you feel the need to wallow for a little bit, do that. But one day you will need to force yourself to get out and try something fun. You don't have to go out for long, but go out there and attempt to have fun with some friends and if it doesn't work go home to your blankets and try again in a few days.
The pain may be too strong right now, but at some point try and pour yourself into a hobby or learn something new. You'll eventually need a distraction from thinking of him and addiction. I've always been a theatre fan so I am working on writing a play. I'm new to this format of writing so I got a few books about playwriting to read and it's a nice thing to focus on.
Four months later I still wallow a bit on the weekends. I still wake up every morning and feel my heart drop to my knees. It's still a struggle to get up and get to work and do my job. But I have found that I feel some relief at night when I can crawl under my covers and read or watch tv, so I get myself through each day by repeatedly telling myself "at the end of the day you can have your covers back."
You'll get a lot of good advice here, and push yourself to try the suggestions, but also remember that everyone does this their own way on their own timeline and you'll know what pace is right for you.
P.S.- The Classic Reading sticky has a lot of really great informative and comforting stuff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
hI nj, I'm sorry for your pain. It's awful when you're upset and can't find anything that gives relief.
I'm not sure if you're asking how to handle the pain, or how to stick with your ABF and help him? Your relationship started so well, and you fell in love with a sober man, but the man you see now is an alcoholic. Part of the definition of an A is that the alcohol comes first, and the need for it all-consuming. He's breaking dates because when he makes them he kids himself that he won't drink, then drinks anyway. He knows he can't turn up drunk, so he bails. It's not aimed at you, even though it's hurtful, it's just that he's lost the ability to resist drinking. Non-As might feel like a drink occasionally but are capable of deferring it if they have something else to do. Not so As.
Where to from now? Read the stickies at the top of this forum to educate yourself. Maybe seek help from a counsellor and of course your friends and family. Try to get through this for your own sake. If you return while he's still drinking it will be more of the same, but he will have to make the decision to seek help. He sounds like a great guy, minus the alcohol, so who knows?
I'm not sure if you're asking how to handle the pain, or how to stick with your ABF and help him? Your relationship started so well, and you fell in love with a sober man, but the man you see now is an alcoholic. Part of the definition of an A is that the alcohol comes first, and the need for it all-consuming. He's breaking dates because when he makes them he kids himself that he won't drink, then drinks anyway. He knows he can't turn up drunk, so he bails. It's not aimed at you, even though it's hurtful, it's just that he's lost the ability to resist drinking. Non-As might feel like a drink occasionally but are capable of deferring it if they have something else to do. Not so As.
Where to from now? Read the stickies at the top of this forum to educate yourself. Maybe seek help from a counsellor and of course your friends and family. Try to get through this for your own sake. If you return while he's still drinking it will be more of the same, but he will have to make the decision to seek help. He sounds like a great guy, minus the alcohol, so who knows?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 13
Wow...everything I am reading here is so familiar! I'm so glad you started this thread.
My long-term ABF were together for several months before I realized he was an alcoholic. He was the same way...talking about getting engaged and married, sharing our lives together etc. but after about a year he suddenly changed 360 degrees and decided he no longer wanted to get married. When I asked him what changed he said he "had a lot on his plate." Did he ever! I asked him if he wanted some space to deal with his issues and he insisted that he did not want to break up. However, he no longer wanted to get married - so what does that mean? We just date forever? Then it would change back to getting engaged and...I'm sure you get the idea.
As I look back to those months, I realize how much influence the alcohol had on his decision making, his thought processes, his temper...everything! I had no experience with this, and I felt so alone. I couldn't explain it to anyone because everyone thought (and still thinks) he is a wonderful person. No one believed he was drinking. As he dealt with some serious personal problems, the drinking increased. He is an amazing man, a great father, and a hard worker...he just has an illness that he conceals well from most of the world.
He returned to AA a few months ago (for the fourth time, which I did not know until recently), and I started Al Anon shortly after. I also attended an open AA meeting last week, which really helped me to get an idea of what recovery is like for the alcoholic. I know I will never truly understand, but it was a real eye opener.
I'm certainly no expert, but I highly recommend Al Anon. Go to an open AA meeting. Private therapy is extremely helpful (I've seen a therapist for years). Keep a journal. Do your best to keep busy. Most of all, take care of YOU. No matter what happens, remember that.
My long-term ABF were together for several months before I realized he was an alcoholic. He was the same way...talking about getting engaged and married, sharing our lives together etc. but after about a year he suddenly changed 360 degrees and decided he no longer wanted to get married. When I asked him what changed he said he "had a lot on his plate." Did he ever! I asked him if he wanted some space to deal with his issues and he insisted that he did not want to break up. However, he no longer wanted to get married - so what does that mean? We just date forever? Then it would change back to getting engaged and...I'm sure you get the idea.
As I look back to those months, I realize how much influence the alcohol had on his decision making, his thought processes, his temper...everything! I had no experience with this, and I felt so alone. I couldn't explain it to anyone because everyone thought (and still thinks) he is a wonderful person. No one believed he was drinking. As he dealt with some serious personal problems, the drinking increased. He is an amazing man, a great father, and a hard worker...he just has an illness that he conceals well from most of the world.
He returned to AA a few months ago (for the fourth time, which I did not know until recently), and I started Al Anon shortly after. I also attended an open AA meeting last week, which really helped me to get an idea of what recovery is like for the alcoholic. I know I will never truly understand, but it was a real eye opener.
I'm certainly no expert, but I highly recommend Al Anon. Go to an open AA meeting. Private therapy is extremely helpful (I've seen a therapist for years). Keep a journal. Do your best to keep busy. Most of all, take care of YOU. No matter what happens, remember that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by tteeaacchheerr
Wow...everything I am reading here is so familiar! I'm so glad you started this thread.
My long-term ABF were together for several months before I realized he was an alcoholic. He was the same way...talking about getting engaged and married, sharing our lives together etc. but after about a year he suddenly changed 360 degrees and decided he no longer wanted to get married. When I asked him what changed he said he "had a lot on his plate." Did he ever! I asked him if he wanted some space to deal with his issues and he insisted that he did not want to break up. However, he no longer wanted to get married - so what does that mean? We just date forever? Then it would change back to getting engaged and...I'm sure you get the idea.
As I look back to those months, I realize how much influence the alcohol had on his decision making, his thought processes, his temper...everything! I had no experience with this, and I felt so alone. I couldn't explain it to anyone because everyone thought (and still thinks) he is a wonderful person. No one believed he was drinking. As he dealt with some serious personal problems, the drinking increased. He is an amazing man, a great father, and a hard worker...he just has an illness that he conceals well from most of the world.
He returned to AA a few months ago (for the fourth time, which I did not know until recently), and I started Al Anon shortly after. I also attended an open AA meeting last week, which really helped me to get an idea of what recovery is like for the alcoholic. I know I will never truly understand, but it was a real eye opener.
I'm certainly no expert, but I highly recommend Al Anon. Go to an open AA meeting. Private therapy is extremely helpful (I've seen a therapist for years). Keep a journal. Do your best to keep busy. Most of all, take care of YOU. No matter what happens, remember that.
My long-term ABF were together for several months before I realized he was an alcoholic. He was the same way...talking about getting engaged and married, sharing our lives together etc. but after about a year he suddenly changed 360 degrees and decided he no longer wanted to get married. When I asked him what changed he said he "had a lot on his plate." Did he ever! I asked him if he wanted some space to deal with his issues and he insisted that he did not want to break up. However, he no longer wanted to get married - so what does that mean? We just date forever? Then it would change back to getting engaged and...I'm sure you get the idea.
As I look back to those months, I realize how much influence the alcohol had on his decision making, his thought processes, his temper...everything! I had no experience with this, and I felt so alone. I couldn't explain it to anyone because everyone thought (and still thinks) he is a wonderful person. No one believed he was drinking. As he dealt with some serious personal problems, the drinking increased. He is an amazing man, a great father, and a hard worker...he just has an illness that he conceals well from most of the world.
He returned to AA a few months ago (for the fourth time, which I did not know until recently), and I started Al Anon shortly after. I also attended an open AA meeting last week, which really helped me to get an idea of what recovery is like for the alcoholic. I know I will never truly understand, but it was a real eye opener.
I'm certainly no expert, but I highly recommend Al Anon. Go to an open AA meeting. Private therapy is extremely helpful (I've seen a therapist for years). Keep a journal. Do your best to keep busy. Most of all, take care of YOU. No matter what happens, remember that.
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