Ready to end it, afraid he will end his life
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Ready to end it, afraid he will end his life
So, I am finally at the point where I have to end our relationship. I have dealt with his drinking, his impulsive behavior, his verbal and emotional abuse for way too long. He cannot keep a job for more than a few months, and he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior, everything is me. I bought my first home a few years ago with the hopes of having it the way I wanted. I made the mistake of letting him move in. He has taken over my house, clogging it up with clutter, trash and no regard for me. I have rooms in my home I cannot use, and I am sick of it. I made over 3.5k at my second job in the hopes of having a savings for my house, and instead I have been forced to use it to keep us afloat. I have no savings, I cannot fix my home and despite all my hard work, I have little to show for it. I am a strong woman, but when it comes to him I am like a scared little girl.
I really want to end it. I know I need to. All my friends tell me that. My co-workers. People here. Everyone. My fear is that if I do, he will either drink himself to death or commit suicide. I fear this and I know it's what's keeping me from ending it. I am not happy, in fact, I am horribly unhappy. I want to live my life, to enjoy the fruits of my labor, but I cannot because I have to worry about him drinking, his mental state when he loses another job, his depressive state everytime something bad happens and its exhausting.
I need advice. How do I end this without blaming myself if something bad happens? Should I seek out a counselor to help me with the transition in case something does happen? Should I even care since he is a grown adult and his choices are his?
I really want to end it. I know I need to. All my friends tell me that. My co-workers. People here. Everyone. My fear is that if I do, he will either drink himself to death or commit suicide. I fear this and I know it's what's keeping me from ending it. I am not happy, in fact, I am horribly unhappy. I want to live my life, to enjoy the fruits of my labor, but I cannot because I have to worry about him drinking, his mental state when he loses another job, his depressive state everytime something bad happens and its exhausting.
I need advice. How do I end this without blaming myself if something bad happens? Should I seek out a counselor to help me with the transition in case something does happen? Should I even care since he is a grown adult and his choices are his?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
It's hard when you really begin to see things for what they are, but it's also a blessing.
It means you can finally act in a rational way. The steps you are about to take are perfectly rational, and you can't control anything he does - whether you're still there or not.
Those things you are describing - all the worry about him - are doing nothing more than sinking you right along with him. And honestly, those are normal feelings to have in any relationship, they just get out of hand and take over when you're in a relationship with someone who's not well.
You're doing the right thing for yourself, because you have to take care of yourself - always. You can't help or control what he does, and that's what you'll need to keep in mind during this process. It's not your fault, your problem, or your life. It's his. It's hard at first, but it does get better. That's how you can not blame yourself, though, if something bad happens - because it's out of your hands.
You can, though, hold yourself responsible for getting your life back again. Your own life is just as important as his, and right now it's fundamentally more important because you've given up parts of yourself on his behalf. Concentrate on getting those pieces back, and hold yourself responsible and accountable for that.
Al anon or counseling would certainly help you along in this process. Al anon, especially, can help you understand, and accept - two big parts of being able to forgive and move on. This board is a treasure chest of wisdom, as well. Just keep in mind you're choosing not to succumb, and his choice to or not to is his choice.
It means you can finally act in a rational way. The steps you are about to take are perfectly rational, and you can't control anything he does - whether you're still there or not.
Those things you are describing - all the worry about him - are doing nothing more than sinking you right along with him. And honestly, those are normal feelings to have in any relationship, they just get out of hand and take over when you're in a relationship with someone who's not well.
You're doing the right thing for yourself, because you have to take care of yourself - always. You can't help or control what he does, and that's what you'll need to keep in mind during this process. It's not your fault, your problem, or your life. It's his. It's hard at first, but it does get better. That's how you can not blame yourself, though, if something bad happens - because it's out of your hands.
You can, though, hold yourself responsible for getting your life back again. Your own life is just as important as his, and right now it's fundamentally more important because you've given up parts of yourself on his behalf. Concentrate on getting those pieces back, and hold yourself responsible and accountable for that.
Al anon or counseling would certainly help you along in this process. Al anon, especially, can help you understand, and accept - two big parts of being able to forgive and move on. This board is a treasure chest of wisdom, as well. Just keep in mind you're choosing not to succumb, and his choice to or not to is his choice.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Has he attempted suicide before, for any reason? Meaning is there any REAL basis to your fear, or is it just the big scary monster in the shadows you BELIEVE is there?
As far as him "drinking himself to death" - he's already on that path and your being there hasn't changed that. so your NOT being there won't be causative either. it may FEEL that way to YOU because you have become his "mother" and have the same type of mom feelings of obligation and concern.
As far as him "drinking himself to death" - he's already on that path and your being there hasn't changed that. so your NOT being there won't be causative either. it may FEEL that way to YOU because you have become his "mother" and have the same type of mom feelings of obligation and concern.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I read your other thread. You are being abused -I am very, very sorry this is happening to you.
You cannot make him kill himself, or prevent him from doing so. It is that simple. Meanwhile back at the farm, he is killing you, your belongings, your house, your friends, your money, and stressing you to the point its a miracle you haven't been hospitalized.
Have you ever asked yourself why you care so much more about him than you do about yourself?
Rouge, I strongly encourage you to contact a DV hotline and speak with someone there. This is a confidential call. Your ABF is extremely abusive and unpredictable. Yes, he needs to go sooner rather than later. I think a DV support person could offer you some help in how to go about doing this safely.
Sending prayers your way, I hope you can get him out soon.
You cannot make him kill himself, or prevent him from doing so. It is that simple. Meanwhile back at the farm, he is killing you, your belongings, your house, your friends, your money, and stressing you to the point its a miracle you haven't been hospitalized.
Have you ever asked yourself why you care so much more about him than you do about yourself?
Rouge, I strongly encourage you to contact a DV hotline and speak with someone there. This is a confidential call. Your ABF is extremely abusive and unpredictable. Yes, he needs to go sooner rather than later. I think a DV support person could offer you some help in how to go about doing this safely.
Sending prayers your way, I hope you can get him out soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Rougelily, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
You are raising issues on several fronts at once, and I'd like to reply to them separately.
The most important issue is emotional, and I think that what I say here and what others say here can give you great comfort. My background is that I had to leave my then alcoholic and abusive husband suddenly and completely because his drinking and the abuse were so severe that I could no longer stay with him and keep my integrity as sanity as an individual. I left on July 4, 2012, Independence Day, and my life since has changed radically and I am happy.
This can happen for you, too.
Over the subsequent years after I left and then divorced him, I went through a process of separating myself emotionally from him, and then eventually, regaining perspective on my former relationship/marriage, and what was healthy and what was not.
I stayed with my former husband for 20 years, and the last part of that, when I looked back, I realized that I had lost myself and my capacity to think as an individual had deteriorated to the point where I was essentially a subset of my husband's dysfunction, alcoholism and abuse. It sounds as though you have reached this point.
One of the reasons that I stayed so long was that I believed that I saw his dysfunction and I was the one who could keep him alive, who could fix him. I had neglected my own responsibility for myself and for living my own life for so long that I no longer knew what I was, or what I needed or wanted. I had swallowed his narcissistic definition of me as a subordinate to him, an extension of him, so that I came to unconsciously believe that I had to do what I thought he needed, and I was responsible for whether he survived or not.
There are lot of names for this psychological dysfunction - brain washing, Stockholm Syndrome, gas lighting - that you can google, or that you can look up on this site. You can read my past threads and see my experience.
The take-away for me, as I gradually came to my senses and reclaimed my own identity and my need to live for myself, is this. It was arrogance on my part to assume and act from the belief that only I knew what he needed, and only I could try to make him live successfully by having him live as I wanted him to.
I, without realizing what I was doing, put myself in the arrogant position of believing that I knew better than he did how he should live, and I felt empowered - even required - to make him live in the way I thought best - to give up alcohol, his other addictions.
The truth of life is that we only have one life to manage - our own. Each of us has the right and the obligation and the accountability to live as we want to. Whether or not someone else thinks we are killing ourselves, making terrible choices, or whatever. To think that we get to choose another's life path because they are failing is arrogance and a great over-reach into someone else's right to live as they choose.
This is, to me, the heart of co-dependence: that we believe only we can solve someone else's problems and choose a suitable life path for them, and because of that, we become totally focused on and enmeshed with their life choices and forget to life our own lives.
In my view, each of us has the right and the accountability to choose how we want to live and to suffer - or enjoy - the consequences of those choices. My ex husband, and your boyfriend included.
We cannot truly ever rescue someone else from their own choices, and that is the heartbreak of living with someone captured by addiction. They have that right. They are free to choose what they want, and in the end, that is what our beloved addicts are doing.
Our interference, among other things, gives them cover to blame their choices on what they see as our "bad behavior". It protects them from the consequences of their choices. It prevents them from looking at the truth of what they are choosing and make better choices.
So, for me, you cannot choose your own life path through the lense of worrying what your boyfriend might or will choose if you leave him. That is his choice, his right, his responsibility. Not yours.
Sometimes by taking the action we need to for ourselves, we free our co-dependent partners to face the truth and make better choices. Or not. We just don't have that power to live someone else's life.
There are many other logistical issues to deal with - especially evicting him from your property if it has been his home for a while. I imagine others here can share some of their experiences; you might want to consult with an attorney.
This, while a tremendous loss and much grief, is also a call to freedom for you.
Written with great empathy and respect; take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
You are raising issues on several fronts at once, and I'd like to reply to them separately.
The most important issue is emotional, and I think that what I say here and what others say here can give you great comfort. My background is that I had to leave my then alcoholic and abusive husband suddenly and completely because his drinking and the abuse were so severe that I could no longer stay with him and keep my integrity as sanity as an individual. I left on July 4, 2012, Independence Day, and my life since has changed radically and I am happy.
This can happen for you, too.
Over the subsequent years after I left and then divorced him, I went through a process of separating myself emotionally from him, and then eventually, regaining perspective on my former relationship/marriage, and what was healthy and what was not.
I stayed with my former husband for 20 years, and the last part of that, when I looked back, I realized that I had lost myself and my capacity to think as an individual had deteriorated to the point where I was essentially a subset of my husband's dysfunction, alcoholism and abuse. It sounds as though you have reached this point.
One of the reasons that I stayed so long was that I believed that I saw his dysfunction and I was the one who could keep him alive, who could fix him. I had neglected my own responsibility for myself and for living my own life for so long that I no longer knew what I was, or what I needed or wanted. I had swallowed his narcissistic definition of me as a subordinate to him, an extension of him, so that I came to unconsciously believe that I had to do what I thought he needed, and I was responsible for whether he survived or not.
There are lot of names for this psychological dysfunction - brain washing, Stockholm Syndrome, gas lighting - that you can google, or that you can look up on this site. You can read my past threads and see my experience.
The take-away for me, as I gradually came to my senses and reclaimed my own identity and my need to live for myself, is this. It was arrogance on my part to assume and act from the belief that only I knew what he needed, and only I could try to make him live successfully by having him live as I wanted him to.
I, without realizing what I was doing, put myself in the arrogant position of believing that I knew better than he did how he should live, and I felt empowered - even required - to make him live in the way I thought best - to give up alcohol, his other addictions.
The truth of life is that we only have one life to manage - our own. Each of us has the right and the obligation and the accountability to live as we want to. Whether or not someone else thinks we are killing ourselves, making terrible choices, or whatever. To think that we get to choose another's life path because they are failing is arrogance and a great over-reach into someone else's right to live as they choose.
This is, to me, the heart of co-dependence: that we believe only we can solve someone else's problems and choose a suitable life path for them, and because of that, we become totally focused on and enmeshed with their life choices and forget to life our own lives.
In my view, each of us has the right and the accountability to choose how we want to live and to suffer - or enjoy - the consequences of those choices. My ex husband, and your boyfriend included.
We cannot truly ever rescue someone else from their own choices, and that is the heartbreak of living with someone captured by addiction. They have that right. They are free to choose what they want, and in the end, that is what our beloved addicts are doing.
Our interference, among other things, gives them cover to blame their choices on what they see as our "bad behavior". It protects them from the consequences of their choices. It prevents them from looking at the truth of what they are choosing and make better choices.
So, for me, you cannot choose your own life path through the lense of worrying what your boyfriend might or will choose if you leave him. That is his choice, his right, his responsibility. Not yours.
Sometimes by taking the action we need to for ourselves, we free our co-dependent partners to face the truth and make better choices. Or not. We just don't have that power to live someone else's life.
There are many other logistical issues to deal with - especially evicting him from your property if it has been his home for a while. I imagine others here can share some of their experiences; you might want to consult with an attorney.
This, while a tremendous loss and much grief, is also a call to freedom for you.
Written with great empathy and respect; take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd be more worried about his drinking YOU to death.
He doesn't want to stop drinking. He knows where help is available if he wants it. It really is a form of magical thinking to believe anything you do is going to "save" him. You can't save someone against his will. Look what happened when you tried to get him medical treatment when he was bleeding all over the place.
Please call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with someone. They can help you figure out a plan to get him out of your house safely. Depending on where you live, you might be able to get a protective order. Otherwise, you might have to take some other kind of action to make him leave. But you have to be careful--I don't know if he's ever been physically abusive to you, but when abusive men sense they are losing control, they can become very dangerous.
You have to save your own life here, just as he will have to save his own. Please talk to someone who can help guide you through this. The advocates are very helpful, and they won't judge or condemn you. They understand how difficult it is.
Please call.
He doesn't want to stop drinking. He knows where help is available if he wants it. It really is a form of magical thinking to believe anything you do is going to "save" him. You can't save someone against his will. Look what happened when you tried to get him medical treatment when he was bleeding all over the place.
Please call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with someone. They can help you figure out a plan to get him out of your house safely. Depending on where you live, you might be able to get a protective order. Otherwise, you might have to take some other kind of action to make him leave. But you have to be careful--I don't know if he's ever been physically abusive to you, but when abusive men sense they are losing control, they can become very dangerous.
You have to save your own life here, just as he will have to save his own. Please talk to someone who can help guide you through this. The advocates are very helpful, and they won't judge or condemn you. They understand how difficult it is.
Please call.
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