rougelily

I haven't been around for a while. Things were starting to look up, but, as per the usual with alcoholics, my ABF lost another job today. This of course means another bender, more emotional and verbal abuse for me and pain. I am still working two jobs, going to school and trying to hold our household together but I am hanging by a thread. He refuses to get help, despite my finding him a FREE counseling service. A few weeks ago he was drunk on rye whiskey and he carelessly grabbed a knife from the drain board. It fell point down into his toe and cut his hand. I fought with him for over an hour to take him to the hospital because he was bleeding bad and I couldn't get it under control. I finally persuaded him to go, but the entire time he was there he berated me. When we got home he screamed at me for an hour about how he wouldn't have been drinking if I was "nicer" to him. I had worked all day Friday, took a nap and worked again Friday night. I got to bed about 3am, and was up again at 6am. We were on the go all day and about 8pm I got a little cranky because my energy was gone and I wanted to go home. Apparently that was the incident he was using as his excuse for drinking. He yelled at me until 6am. I was yelled at about how I was disrespectful of him, how I don't love him, how I am just using him, etc. I finally snapped and said that I would be better off on my own because then at least I would have a nice savings account, a clean home and peace. He shut up, I went to my bedroom and locked the door so he couldn't come in.I finally got about 4 hours of sleep. The next day he acted like nothing was wrong and I had to put on a happy face with his parents for dinner.

This is what I deal with everyday. Every little hiccup and he is on a bender. I walk on eggshells because every word, every move, is a potential trigger for him to drink and treat me like crap.

I really need to end it but I am afraid that if I do he is going to either drink himself to death or end his life. I don't want that on my conscience but I cannot continue to live like this.

I feel like a single woman taking care of a grown ass child. I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning, I care for our cats, I get up hours early every day to clean and do chores, I mow the lawn, etc. all while working two jobs, going to school and trying to keep my life together. I am 36 years old and I am tired. I feel like I am going to stress out to the point of a medical crisis. I have lost about 20 pounds in the last month because I don't eat. I don't know what to do.

dandylion

roguelily......you are not responsible for another grown adult.
You are not responsible for his actions......no matter what they are or when they occur.....
The fact that y ou feel that you are, suggests to me, that you are very co-dependent on this relationship.....

You are being abused....and you should never feel guilty for leaving an abusive relationship.....
Every person has the human right of self-preservation!

Isn't it about time that you see a doctor? A 20lb. weight loss in a month is nit normal....and, signifies that something is wrong....
(I am a medical person and I find that to be a point of great concern....even if you are not eating..it still is of great concern.....

Are you willing to get help for yourself....?

dandylion

Live

This can be very painful but what many of us has found, is that they barely skip a beat and find a new enabler asap.

You deserve so much better than the life with him gives you.

BunnyNest

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Alcoholism is horrible.

I don't know about yours, but mine was drinking himself to death whether I was there, or not. I didn't make a difference. It sounds like yours might be too. I had to finally hit my rock bottom and realize I could not control him or his drinking. I could let go or drown with him. I had to let go.

Hugs.

ladyscribbler

Sorry you're dealing with this. I had several incidents with my ex where he raged at me for getting him life-saving medical attention. You shouldn't feel this way in your own home.
I also second what Live said. I was convinced that my ex wouldn't survive without me, but he was resourceful enough to find other people to take care of him as soon as I was out of the picture. You can't save him, but he can drag you to h#ll.

FeelingGreat

Hi Rouge, it sounds like you are reaching YOUR bottom, while he's carrying on as usual. Please don't push yourself to the point of collapse, because you'll have an even worse mess. Probably very soon your body is going to say 'enough' and it won't be pleasant.

Why not start with a visit to the doctor? I know he/she can't save your living situation, but somehow talking to a doc, having them examine you, unload some of your cares, and getting good advice may jolt you out of the inertia.

Do you have trusted friends or family you can ask to help you? It sounds like you may have gotten beyond the point where you can pull yourself out without some support. Please don't go through this on your own, reach out and admit it's gone too far.

Thinking of you.