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Old 02-19-2016, 11:23 AM
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5 years

That's how long I've been on here...

I've been spending time re-reading my old posts and it is both shocking, sad and eye opening...

Just about this time 5 years ago... I was so defensive of xAH, so much in denial (but of course did not see it as such), bargained, tried repeatedly, subjected my kids to so much so unnecessarily... And now I continue to see the side effects of that choice.... Hard to swallow that pill of reality.

It also makes me realize that however crummy things are now with his endless games, it's SO much better now than it was.

If I had stayed any longer, our kids would be without either parent being sane or stable...

Im aggravated by own posts and how difficult I was... How unwilling I was to listen, how much I subjected my kids to chaos and how much abuse I was willing to take...

Sigh...

It's so eye opening...
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Old 02-19-2016, 11:28 AM
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WTBH, when we know better, we do better. And you are doing better!

Hugs, my friend.
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Old 02-19-2016, 11:40 AM
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Hun-I do the same. I read my journal from start to finish the other night-took over an hour and a half....I literally caught myself wincing, shaking and crying multiple times. Oh my God it was bad-and oh my God was my husband Satan himself/he's abused our kids for years-and I was blind, or in denial or both. Friend-you did what you had to do but thank God your kids have you. You are one great momma, and I'm proud to call you my friend! Don't look back too much (I tell myself this too); don't feel any shame over what you did or didn't do (I tell myself this daily). You made the best decisions you could loving in crazy town.

#abusivealcoholicmommasboysunited

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Old 02-19-2016, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
Hun-I do the same. I read my journal from start to finish the other night-took over an hour and a half....I literally caught myself wincing, shaking and crying multiple times. Oh my God it was bad-and oh my God was my husband Satan himself/he's abused our kids for years-and I was blind, or in denial or both. Friend-you did what you had to do but thank God your kids have you. You are one great momma, and I'm proud to call you my friend! Don't look back too much (I tell myself this too); don't feel any shame over what you did or didn't do (I tell myself this daily). You made the best decisions you could loving in crazy town.

#abusivealcoholicmommasboysunited

love the hashtag!
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Old 02-19-2016, 11:58 AM
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You know, there are many times I catch myself thinking, and this applies to those who left their AH or AW. The name of this forum is "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." We are certainly not their family anymore, and we are not their friends. But yet the thought is comforting somehow.

You have been on here for 5 years, me almost 6. We started with baby steps. Look how far we got!

You should be proud of yourself and what you overcome. What you've been through it is certainly not easy. But you won. You got on the other side.
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Old 02-19-2016, 01:36 PM
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Please be kind and gentle with yourself, please. You have
been through so much and made healthy decisions once you
understood what was happening.

Self love is something codependents have to teach & learn
themselves as most did not get that programmed into their
hard drive during childhood.

So be kind & gentle to yourself as you review your progress
over the last 5 years. Thinking that you should have done it
better, or faster, or smarter, is "picking" on yourself. Don't do
it. For every negative thought, remind yourself of something
good and right that you did, and no matter how hard, you did it.

And with your experience, you have insight into what it is that
can break through such denial, and likely can be of help to others.
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Old 02-19-2016, 05:22 PM
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As people here (and my therapist and friends, etc) told me over and over : you got out. You are redirecting your children's lives...THAT is huge. Because of YOU. Rock on, sister.

Side note-when I was reading my journal I stumbled upon an entry that I had put away in my head-it was so horrific I cringed. My youngest was only 4-6 months old and my then husband was drunk as a skunk one night at home-naturally-and baby girls was screaming bc she had such a bad diaper rash her little parts were bleeding. I put creams, etc on it but it just didn't help. So lovely drunk husband (while I walked away for a second) thought it would be a brilliant idea to put vinegar on her little baby parts-that were open wounds. I've never in my life heard a baby scream so badly-she was almost convulsing she was in so much pain. All he did was say, "I'm so sorry" and walk outside and continue drinking. I read this-and had so much shame-at myself. This was after he had almost dropped her on her head a couple months prior. I stayed another year plus after that night-and endured countless other incidents, and my children did too. So much shame. But I have to let that go and realize I was sick too to stay in that-and I'm not anymore. At least I got out-some never do.

You got out!!!
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