He is coming home today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
He is coming home today
Oh boy... I am so nervous and excited. I am excited for the possiblities. I am excited to see the person he is becoming. I am actually excited to get started on the real work. But I am sooo nervous too. Nervous of saying the wrong thing, being too supportive, or not supportive enough. I am really just gonna try to focus on honesty and MY program. It has been somewhat "easy" without him in the home, but now i get to put alot of what I've learned over the last 6 weeks into practice. I just hope I can keep my emotions (mostly anger if it should arise) in check. I need to remember not to react. Mostly I'm just giving myself a little pep talk here. I got this! Any words of wisdom from anyone who has had a spouse come hom from treatment are welcome.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Expect him to be a pain, to whine, to act like a baby at times. Keep YOUR expectations for how he behaves very low. Keep the "excitement" at a minimum.
Recovery is hard, for both people. It isn't like in the movies, when someone comes out of rehab and there's this joyous reunion and everything is better. Some days WILL be better. Some days you're likely to find yourself half wishing he'd drink again because at least then you knew what to expect.
Be yourself. Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells. If he's acting like a jerk, you can tell him so (preferably after you've had a chance to calm down).
Nothing you say/do will make him drink, and there's nothing you can say/do that will keep him sober.
If you act in a way that is healthy for YOU (anger and resentment feel pretty crappy when you let them grab hold of you), then you will be doing the right thing.
Recovery is hard, for both people. It isn't like in the movies, when someone comes out of rehab and there's this joyous reunion and everything is better. Some days WILL be better. Some days you're likely to find yourself half wishing he'd drink again because at least then you knew what to expect.
Be yourself. Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells. If he's acting like a jerk, you can tell him so (preferably after you've had a chance to calm down).
Nothing you say/do will make him drink, and there's nothing you can say/do that will keep him sober.
If you act in a way that is healthy for YOU (anger and resentment feel pretty crappy when you let them grab hold of you), then you will be doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Thanks Lexie. I really appreciate the feedback. I do have a way of romanticizing things sometimes and wishing life was like a romcom. Thanks for the grounding. I am going to keep at the forefront what I need to do take care of ME. He will be doing the same. I do not need to take care of him anymore. I need to remember this.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just what Lexie said.
Coming out of rehab is an odd experience for both the person coming home, and for those at home waiting for them. They have been in a very controlled environment and adapted to it. All of a sudden, they are home, on their own. Be supportive w/out being overbearing. Keep working on you. Give him some space.
Hugs to you. You can do this.
Coming out of rehab is an odd experience for both the person coming home, and for those at home waiting for them. They have been in a very controlled environment and adapted to it. All of a sudden, they are home, on their own. Be supportive w/out being overbearing. Keep working on you. Give him some space.
Hugs to you. You can do this.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
This is just the beginning. Don't be surprised if he is moody, depressed, fuzzy headed, forgetful. It can take a long time for the brain to function normally again.
Do not expect intimacy. Sometimes it takes awhile for the old feelings to heat back up. If he is involved in any kind of outpatient program don't be surprised if this takes up nearly all of his spare time. The first year is tough. It is also rather singular. Working on relationships sometimes, depending on the outpatient program, doesn't occur for months. Have no expectations. Work on you and leave him to work on him.
Do not expect intimacy. Sometimes it takes awhile for the old feelings to heat back up. If he is involved in any kind of outpatient program don't be surprised if this takes up nearly all of his spare time. The first year is tough. It is also rather singular. Working on relationships sometimes, depending on the outpatient program, doesn't occur for months. Have no expectations. Work on you and leave him to work on him.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
When my AH husband came home from treatment I was so excited and thought everything was going to be so much better. Boy was I wrong. He was trying which was nice and had good intentions but was selfish, lazy, sleepy, moody and pulled the same **** with gambling and would go to his regular liquor store not to drink but to play lottery tickets and talk to the guys that work there (cause he said they were is friends) the old behaviors pissed me off .
Then my favorite part was he couldn't find a sponsor good enough for him because AH is a former cop and he is different than anyone else and no one is good enough to tell him how to do it.. but the best of it was he decided to work the steps in the order he felt fit and he decided he needed to make financial amends the the people he screwed over. He said he needed to pay all these people back and i should support him because it's his amends. Of course my thinking was do ******* step 1 first! the steps are in order for a reason. Nope! he did not like that but he justified it, Oh and if you want to make amends start with your family... oh yeah and if the financial ones are some important to pay back a bunch of dirt bags STOP wasting the little money you make on lottery tickets. (He had a get well job making $10 an hour part time) we were not in that position
My point sorry for the rant was expect some chaos, it won't be perfect. Some things will be better but he is a flawed man and just because the substance is gone the issues aren't and the substance was just a bandaid for him to deal with those issues that he now has to face sober.
I pray for you that he embraces a program, finds a sponsor and works it. That won't be easy either because you may resent that time there but its the only way.
Good luck and I am so glad your man went to treatment I pray you get what you need out of it
Then my favorite part was he couldn't find a sponsor good enough for him because AH is a former cop and he is different than anyone else and no one is good enough to tell him how to do it.. but the best of it was he decided to work the steps in the order he felt fit and he decided he needed to make financial amends the the people he screwed over. He said he needed to pay all these people back and i should support him because it's his amends. Of course my thinking was do ******* step 1 first! the steps are in order for a reason. Nope! he did not like that but he justified it, Oh and if you want to make amends start with your family... oh yeah and if the financial ones are some important to pay back a bunch of dirt bags STOP wasting the little money you make on lottery tickets. (He had a get well job making $10 an hour part time) we were not in that position
My point sorry for the rant was expect some chaos, it won't be perfect. Some things will be better but he is a flawed man and just because the substance is gone the issues aren't and the substance was just a bandaid for him to deal with those issues that he now has to face sober.
I pray for you that he embraces a program, finds a sponsor and works it. That won't be easy either because you may resent that time there but its the only way.
Good luck and I am so glad your man went to treatment I pray you get what you need out of it
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
If he is involved in any kind of outpatient program don't be surprised if this takes up nearly all of his spare time. The first year is tough. It is also rather singular. Working on relationships sometimes, depending on the outpatient program, doesn't occur for months. Have no expectations. Work on you and leave him to work on him.
This will pass--maybe not for a few months--but it will pass. He may continue to be very involved with recovery but it won't be quite so all-consuming. Just think of it as you would if he survived a bad car accident and needed to use a wheelchair or something. It WILL affect your life. You WILL need to make some adjustments. But the things he's doing now will pay off in the long run.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The thing that meant and means so much to me is my wife supporting my recovery. Not only does she not complain about my AA envolvement but she encourages it, she understands when I don't go to alcohol functions and honors my request for a dry house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Thanks everyone. This input in invaluable. I dont really know anyone else who has ever dealt with this. My friends try to be helpful, but don't really get it. I definitely need the grounding on my expectations. Sometimes my head goes to this place where everything is gonna be roses and butterfies... I can be overly optimistic sometimes, to the point of not really being in reality. Probably one of the ways I got myself in this situation in the first place.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Here, dandy, I just copied and pasted that post ^^you mentioned. This way it will be easier for all to see, b/c I think it is VERY worth seeing!!
Dandylion's post:
Dandylion's post:
Turtle.....I know you have been hell-bent on "helping him" (as per your original posts).....
So...keeping your expectations very, very low, as the others have said, is such excellent advice.....
Remember that he does not NEED your support...this is a journey that he HAS to walk himself...he has all the help he needs from his sponsor, his counselor and his program members.....
He will have GREAT support...if he chooses to use it....
Short of not being obstructive....he doesn't need your help...
He isn't going to be a "new person". He may be different..but, it takes a longer time than this to make long lasting changes.
Here is the thing....alcoholism, and, thus, the alcoholic, becomes the central focus of the family during the active drinking part.....The family (relationship) is organized around this nidus.
His energy goes into p ro tecting his drinking as the first priority....
And, your energy goes into him as a result to keep him from drinking....
No where, in the midst of this are YOU a priority.....
Make yourself your first priority, now....
Give him a wide berth.....
don't expect a honeymoon....rather, expect it to b a time more like an early dating period...where you are sl owly getting to know someone......
Keep busy on your own stuff....your work, your friends, your own interests....
That should take the edge off of it...
dandylion
So...keeping your expectations very, very low, as the others have said, is such excellent advice.....
Remember that he does not NEED your support...this is a journey that he HAS to walk himself...he has all the help he needs from his sponsor, his counselor and his program members.....
He will have GREAT support...if he chooses to use it....
Short of not being obstructive....he doesn't need your help...
He isn't going to be a "new person". He may be different..but, it takes a longer time than this to make long lasting changes.
Here is the thing....alcoholism, and, thus, the alcoholic, becomes the central focus of the family during the active drinking part.....The family (relationship) is organized around this nidus.
His energy goes into p ro tecting his drinking as the first priority....
And, your energy goes into him as a result to keep him from drinking....
No where, in the midst of this are YOU a priority.....
Make yourself your first priority, now....
Give him a wide berth.....
don't expect a honeymoon....rather, expect it to b a time more like an early dating period...where you are sl owly getting to know someone......
Keep busy on your own stuff....your work, your friends, your own interests....
That should take the edge off of it...
dandylion
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