LexieCat

Well, what I did was to tell my husband that at some point, this is going to be more than I signed on for. I can't say when it will happen, but the point may come when I'm simply done. And that's pretty much it.

If you're explaining the "why" of everything you do, then it sort of defeats the purpose, in the sense that it becomes manipulative and/or empty threats that are meaningless.

If he's verbally attacking you, you can simply say, "I'm not listening to this. See you later." And then leave the room, or the house, or whatever. If he's trying to engage you in a drunken argument, you just decide not to pick up the rope. You don't have to explain anything. And then find something else to do. Straighten the closet, go for a walk, do your nails, whatever.

The idea is to minimize the effect his drinking behavior has on YOU. NOT to change him or send him a message. Just to protect yourself.

dandylion

spegs.....in response to your last question.....In my opinion....No...you don't have to tell him anything that you don't want to....
Your thoughts...your feelings...they all belong to YOU. You are not under any obligation to share them with anyone... YOU own them. No one else has any ownership of what you think and feel.....

dandylion

redatlanta

he has tried everything but a facility stay--AA meetings, full-blown bible retreats/churchgoings, counselling (though not addiction specialists), cold turkey, tapering, etc. The crux of what he was saying was that he couldn't deny that he needed the six-week stay, detox, supervision, 'sweating it out completely away' were his words. If he has tried this much, and failed, my guess is he was looking to moderate, and still is. Regardless of his proclamations of accepting that he is an alcoholic.

The thing we both see is, due to family circumstances, and career circumstances (we are in a rural community), it would be at least a year before he finishes his next degree, and works full-time
Would you wait a year to get treated for cancer? Of course not. This is quacking and manipulation as the others have pointed out.

His proposition is: get weekly addiction counselling in the next city over, with the promise to enter a rehab facility as soon as his schooling is complete. In the meantime, he needs to smoke pot in order to 'take the edge off' I believe this conversation came after he picked you up at the bus stop drunk and drove you home. Then blamed you for his bender because "you left him for the weekend". He just went fishing here dear, threw out a hook with bait, and you bit. His "idea" is to use an addiction counselor to help him "moderate" over the next year. It simply will not work. Always remember that an active addict will do/say whatever in order to keep their DOC (be it pot or alcohol) AND keep things at status quo. What this says to me loud and clear is ADDICTION is still numero uno. Not you, not your marriage.

When an alcoholic has had the moment of clarity that they are powerless over alcohol, and no longer want to live life as an active alcoholic, nothing will get in the way of recovery. They don't put it off for a year because its inconvenient the truth is its ALWAYS inconvenient on some level but today, right now, this minute IS the best time.

As you have indicated you do not want to exit the marriage, I agree with everyone else that you should exit participation in "helping" him moderate, in whatever ways he is, or will try to lasso you in on his "moderation plan". It will back fire on you if you do - its you who will be blamed if he fails. Work the step program of Al Anon. Learn to set boundaries, detach within the marriage in a healthy way. I hope that your husband will sooner, rather than later, come to see the light and change his mind about this time line.

FireSprite

Here's what I know, maybe there's a kernel of something in here that you can relate to:

We had all of those things too - advancement, independence, goals. But those weren't external validation that any codependent dysfunction was helpful to our lives in any way. We simply hadn't tipped the scales in the opposite direction. Yet. When it happened, it was swift & without warning. A few out of control months helped undo years of careful planning & strategy so much so that we went from having it all to being on the edge of having nothing at all. It was like a boulder gathering momentum as it rolled downhill, crushing everything in it's path.

My codie habits didn't start with my husband & his drinking, they were long-standing behaviors formed from childhood & the dysfunction of my FOO. Treating my codependency is about ME - not how I fit in with him/his recovery. They are 2 separate paths that have, at times, intersected & overlapped but they are not joined. My codie habits extend beyond RAH & into all of my relationships - even if this is the qualifying relationship that brought me here, all areas of my life benefitted.

I had to get away from the process of thinking about my actions first & foremost in relation to how they helped/hurt his growth. (that in NO way translates to me not supporting him) I started to see that however I justified the reasons, most of the time I was just stepping in front of natural consequences & softening his fall, like a human shock absorber.

One day I woke up & looked around & could not recognize my life any longer. I also couldn't pinpoint when or why it changed. I later discovered the parable of the frog in a pot of boiling water & understood that I had been slowly, over years, adjusting my expectations down in direct relation to my AH's increasing, unacceptable behaviors. I kept adjusting to the new crap instead of holding him accountable to what I already found offensive. I kept sacrificing my comfort to increase his, but it was happening so slowly over time that I didn't notice all the subtle differences.... I only felt the knot of growing resentments.

So, when RAH started recovery I did too - but at first I felt like I went into it kicking & screaming. I wasn't the one with the dependency, I wasn't the one creating problems. *I* didn't NEED help. I came to recovery expecting to learn how to support my husband while he dried out but I quickly discovered that was really not where my focus could create the most change. I also got humble about thinking that *I* was so all-powerful that I could even presume to know what was right for another person's path, even after nearly 2 decades together.

The more I learned, the more I connected with the labels & the process. The more I identified, the more I opened up to new ideas & resources. The growing pains were agony sometimes, it's like peeling layers off of an onion soooo slowwwwly.

2 years into all of this, things had been very up & down. He was fully aware of his alcoholism. He attended his first meeting the same night the awareness hit & he has never stopped going. On the surface, all signs pointed to him really wanting to recover, but on the inside he was still running in circles avoiding everything.

I could see RAH trying but things were still "off". I could see the obvious efforts (attending regular meetings, no drinking) but I wasn't seeing a change in his mental processes - he was still trying to make everything bend to his will instead of fully dropping his ego & getting humble. He had a lot of what even he referred to as Dry Drunk episodes, because he still wasn't utilizing new tools to deal with the stresses & emotions that turned him to drinking in the first place. He was still extremely impulsive.

When he relapsed it became obvious that he'd been sober & not recovering & it was like 2 years of bad decisions built up into one night. Meanwhile, I was cruising right along on my recovery & while his event was upsetting, DD & I just kept moving life forward instead of reacting in crisis mode. He slipped right back into all of his old behaviors *that fast*; blaming, victimizing himself, etc. He was infuriated because I refused to be manipulated into solving this problem for him.

In retrospect I likely could have seen a lot of warning signs about the impending relapse, but I was too busy worrying about my own side of the street. I couldn't have pinpointed the reasons why he was struggling & he would have half resented my involvement & half used it as an excuse for his failure anyway. He had to fall hard, on his own & fix it all 100% himself for it to make a difference in how he approached his recovery.

spegs

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate the input and you have given me so much to think about. Your experiences have given me valuable insight and I really hope that I will make it through this. I will continue to detach and disengage, while working on myself and my own actions/reactions.

mylifeismine

Wow firesprite, that really moved me, thank you so much for sharing....