Thrown off balance
 

A friend bumped into stbxah a few weeks ago and he was telling her that he's not drinking so much now and not really hanging out with his old friends although I also know some of them have had babies, met new partners etc but that he also told her how he'd have to live the biggest mistake he's ever made leaving me and the kids for the rest of his life! I gotta say this threw me and it's caused a lot of anxiety or uncertainty or somethingthe last few weeks. I don't really know how I felt to be honest but it hit me today I would never go back!!

and I've neglected my own recovery recently starting to feel more anxious trying to control and force things rather than letting things go and allowing things to develop naturally, but I guess living that way f ro so many years it will take more than 2 years to let go of my need to control and fix everything and have everything the way I THINK it needs to be.

dd and I were talking during the week and she brought up her dad, she said how he's hardly drinking anymore, he's looking after his mum who isn't well and he's wanting to spend more time with them. She said how he's watching all the programmes we use to watch as a family and saying do you remember when we use to all watch this. She told me she thinks he regrets his decision. How he has told her he was in a bad place.

I didn't get into it with dd about the bad place he was in or the other bad places he had been in throughout our marriage, I didn't think see it was me that caused him to drink it was my fault, I felt peaceful and glad that maybe he wasn't drinking so much and that maybe he could start or was trying to rebuild his relationship with the kids, I was happy for them if in fact he was trying. I let it go this is her relationship with her dad and has nothing to do with me unless she is upset or he does something to hurt her. DS will visit maybe once a week for a couple of hours and that's really it.

Maybe it's the divorce and he's playing the good guy or maybe he is genuine and is trying to make it up to the kids but that's not my business unless as I said he hurts them or let's them down then all I can do is support them.

Still a work in progress I guess, I've let go of stbxah but maybe not of my need to control things especially when I think people are rejecting me or of my need to make everything ok for everyone. I still feel at times I can fix everything and I've noticed this is particularly recently.

Don't know if this makes a lot of sense, just more ramblings.

Do you trust him?

No I never have

Let's hope for the children that his "recovery" of sorts is genuine.

I think we are all always going to be works in progress. You sound good...
Ro
Oh and P.S. I'm a control freak too!

I hope so too for them

Thanks ro I am feeling good most of the time.

My need to control seems to be heightened when I feel I am being rejected. This was pointed out to me on here, I seem to cling tighter and try to force/control things so I won't be rejected. Of course I usually make such a mess of things people do walk away :headbange but at least I can recognise this and try to stop it. As I say a work in progress and living this way for all these years trying to control and fix my alcoholic is probably always going to be something I need to be mindful of.

Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well, there.

I wouldn't put too much stock in his sorrowful statements about his "mistakes." Sounds to me like he's drumming up sympathy from the kids. If I were you, I'd just stay very noncommittal with your daughter. You could say, "I really hope he gets better, but I'm in a much better place now, and if he does get better then he will be, too."

Thanks Lexie.

He's not drinking...much?

How long do you think that will last?

I truly hope for himself and your children that he is working on himself and being a better person. You continue to work on you. Remember, it's behavior over the course of a VERY LONG TIME to prove if anyone can or will change.

You however have changed immensely. Our own flaws will always be a work in progress. Without being aware, it's so easy to slip back into that behavior. That won't happen to you because of all the work you have done. Be proud of who you are Butterfly.

Many hugs.

Thanks hopeful.

I i don't think it will last at all , been here too many times to count. DD never believed he was an alcoholic, she still thinks an alcoholic is someone on the streets and has lost everything. She even bought him beer for his birthday. I've tried to talk to her but she won't accept it. She is now listening to him that he's not drinking as much and she wants to believe it. She told me that if he was drinking every night she would move in with him to look after him. I guess she will have to learn the same way I did.....the hard way.

Hi Butterfly,

First off :You_Rock_.

I just wanted to tell you that I think you are terrific. I can see all the time how much you are progressing. I also wanted to tell you (I don't know, seems like I've been taking a truth serum this week, been sick) that I have gone through all the things that you went through. You were brave enough to post that here, and I do thank you for that.

Truth be told even after I was divorced 1 year, possibly 2, I don't remember, I would have taken back my ex if I heard the things that you heard. Thank God, I never heard that. (lol)

If I ever even want or hope to hear those things now, I just shudder and shake, and think about calling a psych ward on myself.

Just keep remembering that he treated you like you didn't exist. No wonder you have a fear of rejection. I have that also, and am working on that.

I think you have the right idea here, that hopefully he will be a better father to his children.

Thank you for the update. I think of you often.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Thanks Amy. I do feel better within myself. Still have days when I feel I'm an emotional wreck but I keep telling myself this to shall pass. My new counsellor is great.

I think of you and everyone here often ((((hugs))))

It was an important day when I looked at my own Alanonic behavior and realized I was very controlling because I started the hard work of recovery. You sound terrific, keep up the good work.

Oh Butterfly, it has to be very hard for your DD to not really understand alcoholism.

All you can do is be there for her when she does get it. Keep pushing forward.

Many hugs!