BIG step forward and an update.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
BIG step forward and an update.
Hi friends! Well today I looked at an apartment, which I absolutely LOVE... I'm filling out my application and the gal said that she was confident I would be a good match/tenant for the place.
I am scared, but more than scared... I am so HOPEFUL and looking towards a brighter future. AH's behavior has been quiet, until on Valentines Day when I suggested that we separate. Then he was on a rampage about how everything was my fault, I did terrible things to him, I was a terrible wife, etc etc. He told me I was a "big baby" as I stood there and listened to his rants with tears streaming down my face.... he told me that I "wasn't strong enough" to leave him on my own.
Finally, I backed down and he retreated. THEN he was just nice as pie to me... (PUKE!!!!!!!!!!). Asking me if I was okay, do i want a coffee, give me a hug, give me a kiss. puke, puke, puke.
ETA: He was so over the top sweet, it was like he was mentally trying to confuse me that the whole episode had never happened... Does this make sense?
He also mentioned suicide during his episode when I told him I wanted a separation. He said it would work out well for me, because he wouldn't be around and I would get everything.
What a mess its all become.
I am scared, but more than scared... I am so HOPEFUL and looking towards a brighter future. AH's behavior has been quiet, until on Valentines Day when I suggested that we separate. Then he was on a rampage about how everything was my fault, I did terrible things to him, I was a terrible wife, etc etc. He told me I was a "big baby" as I stood there and listened to his rants with tears streaming down my face.... he told me that I "wasn't strong enough" to leave him on my own.
Finally, I backed down and he retreated. THEN he was just nice as pie to me... (PUKE!!!!!!!!!!). Asking me if I was okay, do i want a coffee, give me a hug, give me a kiss. puke, puke, puke.
ETA: He was so over the top sweet, it was like he was mentally trying to confuse me that the whole episode had never happened... Does this make sense?
He also mentioned suicide during his episode when I told him I wanted a separation. He said it would work out well for me, because he wouldn't be around and I would get everything.
What a mess its all become.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
That is every addict's typical manipulation methods.
Bully, manipulate, be super sweet, manipulate, say I cannot live without you, I don't deserve to live, manipulate.
It's awful, but please realize, they all do it. It's classic behavior. As soon as he realizes that you are not going to change your mind b/c of all his manipulation, he will be livid again. It's a cycle, but not one that you have to participate with.
I hope the apartment works out, it sounds very hopeful!
Bully, manipulate, be super sweet, manipulate, say I cannot live without you, I don't deserve to live, manipulate.
It's awful, but please realize, they all do it. It's classic behavior. As soon as he realizes that you are not going to change your mind b/c of all his manipulation, he will be livid again. It's a cycle, but not one that you have to participate with.
I hope the apartment works out, it sounds very hopeful!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yep-echo every word hopeful said. This is classic-my ex did and still does the same thing-bully, manipulate, threaten, wait-she's not falling for it, bully again, threaten her more, manipulate, lie....wash and repeat. Only he's on the crazy train now, I'm off. And so are YOU. Very excited for you and the apartment. That's a huge step in the right direction. Very big hugs and wishes for peace coming your way!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Congratulations on the progress and I hope you move in to your new place soon.
Yes, it makes perfect sense. Some very bad things may come out of them when you tell them you are about to leave.
When I suggested my ex that we separate and that I talked to the landlady and asked for a new place, he gave me the worst weekend ever, which resulted in me catapulting myself out in two weeks and never coming back.
I bet you see a lot of what I call "spinning." He will try to be nice, then change as soon he sees it ain't working, then try again, and it will get crazier and crazier, spinning faster and faster.
Do not get distracted. Make a good plan and stick to it. You can do it. It is easier than you think.
I am so happy for you!
Yes, it makes perfect sense. Some very bad things may come out of them when you tell them you are about to leave.
When I suggested my ex that we separate and that I talked to the landlady and asked for a new place, he gave me the worst weekend ever, which resulted in me catapulting myself out in two weeks and never coming back.
I bet you see a lot of what I call "spinning." He will try to be nice, then change as soon he sees it ain't working, then try again, and it will get crazier and crazier, spinning faster and faster.
Do not get distracted. Make a good plan and stick to it. You can do it. It is easier than you think.
I am so happy for you!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Be very careful, ar--suicide threats are highly dangerous signs. Not for him so much as for you.
BTW, he IS trying to mentally confuse you. Don't let it. Keep yourself safe until you are out of there.
I lost track somewhere, I think--weren't you applying for a protective order? What happened with that?
BTW, he IS trying to mentally confuse you. Don't let it. Keep yourself safe until you are out of there.
I lost track somewhere, I think--weren't you applying for a protective order? What happened with that?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
armartin, I am so excited for you! This seems like a very promising possibility with the apartment. If you do decide to go for it, maybe you can get the support of your CPS contact, your counselor, or a DV advocate? I think it will be important to plan the move for safety. Given his history of scary behavior, and especially the gun incident a while back, I would suggest that you avoid telling him anything about your plans to move. Are there still guns in the house? You are headed in a great direction--just be sure to do it safely!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
The guns are all in a safe with a new passcode.
My friend suggested I text him my plan. He needs to stay away until 3/1 and I'm moving out. If he doesn't agree or threatens, I'll have the texts to prove it and then take them to get a TRO.
My friend suggested I text him my plan. He needs to stay away until 3/1 and I'm moving out. If he doesn't agree or threatens, I'll have the texts to prove it and then take them to get a TRO.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Somehow I can't picture this guy just nicely staying away until you move out on 3/1. I'm not convinced texting him your plan is much of a safety plan.
Why not call an advocate and get a REAL plan in place?
Why not call an advocate and get a REAL plan in place?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
CONGRATULATIONS Armartin!!!! That is a huge step in the right direction!!
I have to admit, I chuckled to myself when reading that you picked Valentines Day to tell him you wanted to separate.
Going into a crazy spin is typical. I also heard the " I'm going to kill myself" line from my Exhusband. And I heard the " I have nothing left to live for" quacking from my exabf. I swear, these guys must all read the same "How to be an alcoholic and try to get away with it" handbook. Whatever!
Keep yourself safe until you are out of there... Peace and serenity heading your way in the near future! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Ro
I have to admit, I chuckled to myself when reading that you picked Valentines Day to tell him you wanted to separate.
Going into a crazy spin is typical. I also heard the " I'm going to kill myself" line from my Exhusband. And I heard the " I have nothing left to live for" quacking from my exabf. I swear, these guys must all read the same "How to be an alcoholic and try to get away with it" handbook. Whatever!
Keep yourself safe until you are out of there... Peace and serenity heading your way in the near future! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Ro
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Pls listen to Lexie and others-texting him your plan is not a good idea. Trust me, I wish I had said nothing to my ex about anything. It was none if his business as I was fleeing him and his abuse-nothing he needed to know about. Pls get in touch with a DV person and get a real, tangible plan in place. Friends may be well intentioned and well meaning, but unless they know abuse, they can't direct you in the right direction. Hugs and peace to you 
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Okay... I will touch base with DV advocate today or tomorrow! Signing lease today and not saying a WORD about it.
Also... my poor daughter has been on such a rollercoaster.... tears, whining, crying, yelling... Its my last straw. We need to get away ASAP and into a peaceful place. She drew a picture this morning. Her, I and little bro are all standing together with sad faces and tears on our faces. And then dad is standing there next to us with lines coming out of his mouth (yelling) and a smiling face.
I feel like that was a reminder that I'm doing the right thing here. Getting myself and my babies to a safe, peaceful place.
Also... my poor daughter has been on such a rollercoaster.... tears, whining, crying, yelling... Its my last straw. We need to get away ASAP and into a peaceful place. She drew a picture this morning. Her, I and little bro are all standing together with sad faces and tears on our faces. And then dad is standing there next to us with lines coming out of his mouth (yelling) and a smiling face.
I feel like that was a reminder that I'm doing the right thing here. Getting myself and my babies to a safe, peaceful place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Lilro--- valentines day meant nothing to me this year... not.a.thing! He gave me some card... to my beautiful wife, blah blah blah. And then, of course, still did the verbal assaults... yeah, happy v-day to us, huh?!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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^ yep-sounds just like my valentines day for years-or any other day-holiday, etc. I'd get the card, too-that said "I love you", "you're the best" and get verbally abused the same day sometimes-lovely. That's not love.
Friend-YOU are walking away from a lifetime of evil, unhappiness and scary abuse-press forward!
Friend-YOU are walking away from a lifetime of evil, unhappiness and scary abuse-press forward!
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