Today I am sad............... and I don't know why.......... well maybe I do - Had a wonderful weekend- my son and fiance came in from Baltimore and my other son and we spent all weekend together. We laughed - we ate good food- we spent time with their friends they grew up with who love me.....we played darts - we played Top Golf- we visited my child hood best friend and went out to lunch and then she made me a cake and had a hat and birthday glasses for me to wear! They all gave me presents - it truly could not have been a better weekend. Then why am I sad? My son left today- my other son is still here - lives with me for the next few months. Yesterday I had a long talk with son #1a - and told him I was insecure feeling now - getting older - 52 - looking older - very very insecure about that - I don't know if it brings back childhood memories of when I was teased as a redhead- or AH making me feel bad about myself - but I am letting it ruin me. I don't want my picture taken- I look saggy- I don't want to be around people- I am ashamed of the way I look - I know that sounds childish but I have to tell someone my truth. AH wanted a beautiful woman - he was very good looking- until alcohol took hold but he still thinks he has it going on - I could hold my own but it wasn't me - I got my nails done - stayed thin- did stuff for him I was not comfortable with in the bedroom- all because I thought it would be enough to make him stop the pot and the drinking - of course it wasn't and he is gone and I am left taking care of the house and all. I know it is best for me - I know that but I am sad - I am lonely - then I feel guilty because I have such good kids and friends - I feel jealous my friends have money - their husbands do well- I support myself in real estate which is no easy gig - but I did well this last year and now it just seems I feel so bad about myself I can't move forward with this year- I have to or no money comes in and I have no savings and no parents. I know this is a pity party and I am sorry- I just need to vent- here it is my birthday and I am crying - feeling sorry for myself. I know if AH was here it would be the same - he is a bigger mess than ever- living with parents - drinking - not working- I need to get a hold of myself - I am aging - I look old and tired - so what - I have survived this and raised 2 kids and got them thru college myself and they respect and adore me and tell me I am so strong and wonderful I don't feel it . I feel pathetic and sad and just fu%k it. God I hate myself sometimes. |
Susie, my brave and beautiful friend, what's the point of letting go of your abusive AH if you're going to talk to yourself the same way he did? If you heard someone talk to a stranger on the street the way you talk to yourself, you would be shocked, disgusted and appalled. Why do you believe you deserve less than that? |
Sending love Susie. You are a brave and beautiful soul. |
I hear you on the worrying about how you look and worrying about getting old...what I do is just keep telling myself that that worry is false and was conditioned into me by a society that still places a woman's value on whether or not she has a relationship. All I can do is tell myself that I KNOW (and I do know it) that's not true and not productive. It's tough being female but that makes us stronger! Do not let your AH's BS live rent free in your head....you are strong, independent and worthy. :) |
Susie, my dear, are you getting any face to face support? Al-anon, or counseling? Sometimes we all need a little help getting past deeply ingrained patterns in our thinking. It sounds like you have internalized some very unhappy messages about yourself. Talking to people who love and accept you might help turn the tide. |
Happy birthday, Susie. I'm hitting the big 6-0 this year, and I'm not that fond of everything I see in the mirror, myself. But I'm working on doing things that make ME happy. I'm setting some goals for myself--not with the object of attracting admiration from a man, but with the object of making me feel alive. What can you do that would make yourself feel that way? Go back to school (or even just take some classes)? Challenge yourself to complete a half-marathon (even if it's just walking)? Plan for (and take) a trip you've always wanted to take? Teach yourself to play an instrument? You don't have to be a smashing success at any of these things to find them fun, interesting, and absorbing. You'd be surprised at how much younger you'll look and feel if you start living for yourself. Hugs, |
No words of advice but I know exactly what you are talking about. I share many of those thoughts. It's hard. |
susie, i think it's VERY normal for a woman moving into the second half-century of life to wonder what the hell happened when they look in the mirror or step on the scales or try to find a pair of jeans in the closet that you can still button all the way. ok, well i can state with certainty, i know at least ONE 50-something year old who went thru that! and that is WITHOUT having spent years with a partner who constantly berated and abused her!!!! a few months back, before Thanksgiving, i looked in the mirror one day and said Anvil, WTH? i had quit coloring my hair years before and it was VERY grey. and not a pretty grey either, i looked totally washed out. i hadn't worn makeup at all hardly ever also in years. i had gone thru an intensive course of treatment with a naturopath a few years ago, 6 week elimination diet, and did lose weight. yay. BUT without staying on a super restrictive diet the weight crept back on. blech. so i decided enough already, let's fix what we can here. regardless of WHAT i do right now, my weight won't budge. so FOR NOW, i am satisfied with not GAINING. i have to - because i am stuck in THIS body and i'd really rather not spend every stinking minute of it HATING myself. i found a seriously AWESOME home hair color (still not a salon girl, i'm terrible about appointments and the costs etc) and i no longer have GREY hair. instead i have some seriously GORGEOUS hair again....and i don't mind telling you!!! when i look in the mirror, i see the "old" me - sort of. LOL i'll never be a supermodel, i can't even take a decent photo to save my soul, but damn the hair rocks!!!! i still don't wear full face makeup, but i do have some BB cream, and with a damp sponge thingie can whisk a bit of that on and it just totally evens out my complexion, isn't cakey or clumpy. i even bought some BLUSH. and an eyebrow pencil. (excuse me,but nobody told me that my eyebrows would start to disappear when i hit menopause????). i know that is all superficial stuff......but its not that i care what the rest of the world sees, i care what I SEE. i care how i feel about me OUT in the world. now that i have started being more girlie and utilizing more self-care, i want to do that more! for me! |
Ugh I think we woman struggle with getting older way more than men. Men can lose their hair or go gray and they are "more distinguished". Get a belly and nobody notices. Get wrinkles and they are more "rugged". Its just not the same for us. Topping it off with what you have been through the wear and tear does show, but my dear its not permanent. I challenge you to start doing things for YOU. I believe you have mentioned that money is tight....start putting some back. Get a facial, get some botox, maybe a new hair color or cut. Whatever it is you don't like change it! Its not that I feel all that is necessity there are plenty of women who choose to grow older and just let things happen as they will and that's totally cool - if its makes them happy and they feel fine about it. You aren't feeling fine about how you look. My guess is you're being hyper critical, and you haven't changed that much if at all. Regardless, doing things FOR YOURSELF, that make you better, feel better, or give you some results that make you feel positive of what you see are worth it. Go for it. |
Susie, you are a kind and wonderful soul. I second what someone else said, we are conditioned by society to look 25 at 55. It's not attainable, and it's not something we should even try. You had a wonderful weekend, which is great! You are making and have made such progress, it is just going to take time my friend. Many, many hugs to you. |
Thank you anvilhead.... I soooo related to everything you wrote about and am so glad to know that im not the only one here in SR or out there in the world going thru same, similar things in life. :) Susie....its okay to give yourself permission to be happy. You like many of us had to learn that it is okay. :) Abuse hurts and im not a fan of it because I too am damaged goods from childhood abuse at the hand of a mom that was sick with her own demons. I went back towards her for years thinking our relationship as mom and daughter would strengthen or change, yet each time I went to see her, I felt emotionally abuse one more time added to the millionth times before. The last time I saw her would be the last time I would want to see her because the more times I infect myself with her presents, her words, they would try to kill me one more time. Just like each drink of alcohol I drank to numb her out of my mind and heart. My sobriety means a lot to me and i'll be darn if I allow anyone, even a parent, to interfere with my progress in recovery. Ive placed her into the Hands of my Higher Power, God of my understanding, because I cant carry her on my shoulders any longer. As far as being 50....men and women go thru that process in life, midlife crises. No 2 people tackle that situation the same way. For me, my 1st marriage of 25 yrs ended peacefully and I returned to my hometown of Baton Rouge where my roots are. I ve gone thru many changes thru out my 57 yrs now as I continue to grow and change into the person I am meant to be on Earth. I remarried and just celebrated 7 yrs on Valentine's Day to a wonderful man. Another awesome gift in recovery. I also began getting tattoos when I ended my marriage. It was the first for both my now husband and I to experience that. Also, never in my wildest dreams ever thought I meet someone with a motorcycle and emmediately want to ride. Yes, I did get my endorsement at 50 but decided I enjoy riding passenger and looking stylish. :) Yep, all the bling bling, dark hair, red nails and lip stick. lol Very feminine tho. My husband is older than I and we are paired together nicely because we have faith in the Man up stairs to guide us ever step of the way in life and sobriety. I am kinda old fashion, reserved in a way and love wearing my long southern lady dresses with lots of flowers to match all my colorful feminine tattoos. In fact lady customers tell me that I blend in well with all the flowers at the nurseries, lowes or other flower depts. :) My mom retired as a cosmetician working in the fine dept stores and was always made up. So elegant looking yet when she came home from work and stripped off all the mask and clothes, she was a different person. I learned how to dress nice and look pretty from her, but it wasn't until I left home that I put that to good use, then add alcohol to the equation....well....in rehab they wanted me to show up to class with no make up to teach me about wearing a mask that I was hiding behind for so long. Me, I didn't see it as a false mask, because make up is like an art. However, drinking gave me the confidence and shield to hide behind so no one could see how this little girl was hurting inside, carrying all the emotional pain from my past. I don't wear much makeup any longer because im happy being me. Simple and colorful enough with my tattoos. :) Im happy being 57 and look towards the future with no expectations to whatever comes next in life. As long as I have Faith then I know im never alone nor have to face the unknown by myself. This strengthens me in more ways then I know. Stay strong and continue on your journey and remember to give urself permission to be happy. Color your hair to whatever youd like and experience the rainbow of colors available to us ladies....lol |
You are all so kind and wise and just plain awesome! I went to the gym and met a friend -:she had a birthday present for me and my neighbor brought me cookies she made. I need to listen to you guys and my friends and sons - I need to remember who I really am - I used to be proud of myself. I will work hard on not being so hard on myself and practice loving myself.. thank you again means more than you know. Hugs. :scoregood |
Oh Susie I feel you.... I am sitting here on my club chair typing into my iPad with organic coconut oil slathered on my face and in my hair!!! I have become the queen of moisturizing, eyelashes popping ( thank you l'Oreal million lashes ) and nail-a-clawing. Too bad I have a chicken neck that will soon be turning into turkey neck. What are we older broads to do, right? HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!! Welcome to 52!! Woohoo!!!! We made it!! Ya know every once in a while I run across a photograph of myself pre-exabf. I don't even know that girl anymore. I think though that's probably a good thing, she was a bit naive, way too trusting and obviously looking for love in all the wrong places. What I see in the mirror now? A single mom to a boy that has his head on straight, a realtor ( yup, me too ) that loves her job, a woman who is a whole lot wiser to the ways of the world outside of the protective and close knit family she originated from, a woman who owns her own home, takes care of her own bills and who in time will be ready to love again. It's sad, lonely and exhausting at times to be on our own but it's also peaceful and a whole lot less chaos. For that I am grateful for. You'll get there, keep your chin up!! What I am not grateful for???? This morning instead of the normal one chin hair that pops up every now and then there were three!!!!! Ugh!!!! What's a girl to do? Right? Enjoy this time, the alternative could be much worse! Big Hug Sus Ro |
Susie-I do know how you feel-at times. A great friend and I prayed together last night about some things she's dealing with and struggling with and she prayed for me as well-she told me how amazing I am and I knocked it down-she prayed my exs abusive words abd tearing me down-all of it-would disappear-that God would take those memories and do away with them-bc every so often I have to catch myself when I think those things-but now, after going through all of this, and breaking away from my abuser, I assign names to those thoughts and literally say, "shut the f**k up, (ex husbands name)....i am loved, I am forgiven, I am strong, I am important, I am smart and I'm a child of God. Thank God I am not you! Leave me alone!!!!!". Literally, that's my internal dialogue when my exs words pop into my head. Maybe that will help you :) You are amazing-don't forget that. Hugs and peace to you :) |
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