Thanks, all. I know she means well.... As others have pointed out, he tends to pull in nice women who are basically decent. And I know that AXH knows how to push that protective, stand-up-for-my-man button, with each one. Thank God, he didn't have any kids before me, or I would've been trying just as hard to fix "our family." And that's not a pretty thought: recognizing the similarities between me and his GFs. After the last GF, I was fully aware of the steps I'll never take with a new bf and his kids, and that a guy with no relationship with his ex or kids would be a red flag and deal breaker for me. But this is the first time I realized that I would have done the same as them before all of this...

And it's funny (not haha) to see the different ways that plays out. The last GF was a fairly straight-forward, confrontational type. She approached me directly as the problem. I'd guess, and it's only a guess based on the fact she has yet to try to talk with me, this GF isn't the type to confront people head on.

Thank you, Ladyscribbler, for bringing up that chapter in Lundy Bancroft's book. I'd forgotten it.

There is a "modified" no contact order in place: AXH and I are only allowed to communicate via e-mail and only about DS. So I think in some ways he's using her to get around it, but only by playing on her desire to help him ("Oh, I miss my boy soooo much."), not actively making her do it. Which doesn't change the fact that she's doing it, and doesn't mean hes not pulling her strings, I know.

Honestly, that's one reason why I'm hesitating to send it to her. Because if she pushes, like the last one did for rehab, he may do it just go get her off his back, just like he did rehab for the last GF. (He left saying he'd be the first sober person to show up there, and came back saying everyone says he had a problem, but he doesn't see it.) And with this round there'd be 2000 miles between me and DS. And a GF who appears to be less protective of children than the last one was.

The last is just an assumption on my part, but....

Thanks, Ariesagain, I do plan on talking to DS about it, but I want to make sure my head is on straight and I'm not reacting to a trigger first.

It says a lot about your compassionate nature that you feel empathy for her, but don't let that distract your from the fact that what she is doing is totally inappropriate and you have a right (and even a duty) to set a boundary with her--and that you owe her no explanation for doing so. You don't have to explain the boundary to her, you can just prevent her from contacting him.

I don't think that it's a bit of a stretch at all.

Given the history of this man I'd say it's par for the course of his thinking.

I have an 11 yr old son, so I know it's a tough spot. On one hand, it's nice and probably helpful for a child to feel like their father does love hem and that they haven't been rejected or discarded, which is probably how the letters feel sometimes, but then there's the issue of having the boy completely confused and not know for sure what the real situation is.

It used to drive me INSANE when my ex's sister would get involved and push my x to see the kids when I kinew he didnt want to or care to at all because it just seemed like more confusion and disappointment for my kids when he didn't follow through by staying in his program (he's schizophrenic).

I would definitely screen the letters and do as you see fit as his mother with them once they come. Maybe if it's a card with an attached letter, if the letter is ridiculous and could cause problems, omit the letter and hand the card over. I also agree with RedAtlanta about contacting the ex if it continues rather than the new GF.
Good luck!

DS and I spoke a little about it yesterday evening. I let him know I read the note from the GF and was considering talking to her about stopping it. His initial response was, "But it came with a present," and laughed. The last two presents they sent have been left at my sister's in a corner (that's the address they have for contact, with my sister and BIL's OK). The gifts are cool, but they're not something he's too interested in, and they'll come home eventually, it's just not the top of the list, you know.

So anyway, initially he laughed and joked about the presents, but as we spoke more he said it didn't really bother him, because he doesn't know her and doesn't feel like writing anyway. I explained I wouldn't say stop it about the gifts, just about bugging him for photos and writing; what they do with that is up to them. But I would be opening anything that arrives first.

He said he knows he can always ask me any questions about his dad and I'd talk with him about it. I asked him if he missed his dad, and he said sometimes. "Sometimes he was fun." So then I asked him what he remembered about living with him and he said, "Not much," and stopped. Long pause. "OK. What else is going on in that noggin?" And the discussion evolved into how he's loving math this week and still hates spelling. And C may be going to the same after-school program, so he'd have a friend from class there, and ....

He's amazing. And I love him. And I hope he means what he said about knowing he can talk with me.

TU-that sounds a lot like conversations I have with my oldest. So incredibly sad, eh? Good momma-you are a damn good momma!!

He sounds like a great kid, tu. And really, the fact that he can joke about the presents is a good sign, I think. I deal with stressful things the same way--make a joke. It really DOES lighten the load for me and helps me keep from taking things too seriously. I think if it made him seriously uncomfortable you would have seen that.

Thank you, Forourgirls and LexieCat.

And Lexie, DS would absolutely love your name, because he adores cats. His friends gave him a "nickname" with Cat added and they've made a very creative manga cartoon of mutant cats named after each of them. (But DS is the only one with Cat added to his name.)

Just a bit of rambling thoughts, because I'm feeling really, really anxious and I need to get it out to re-focus before I head out to get DS.

The anxiety is coming in because I filed a motion with the court asking them to tell AXH follow the order on paying his share of the uncovered medical costs and to start paying child support (again). I mailed it following the procedures outlined in the motion packet on Friday and dropped the court set at the clerk's office today on my lunch break. The USPS estimate says it should be delivered to AXH by Wednesday, but according to tracking, it's already made it to the sorting facility in his town and is now out for delivery....

I'm not expecting him to pay. And I'm not expecting him to call the child support office and tell them where he's working or volunteer to send payments. At best, I may get to add his accumulated share of the medical cost to the child support balance in arrears and it'll start accumulating interest with that.

I don't know why I'm so anxious. He'll be angry. But he's thousands of miles away. He's not likely to fly all the way back up here to take out his anger on me. Even if he pays support, he's incredibly unlikely to do anything else the court said he had to do in order to see DS again, so having to send DS down to visit is phenomenally unlikely. I'm trying to remember to take deep breaths. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Deep breaths, lots of hugs!

Is it fair to guess that this all triggers feelings of when you've had to file legal paperwork against him in the past? If that's accurate then even logically knowing he's thousands of miles away wouldn't stop you from feeling anxiety.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I'd be anxious, too, even knowing intellectually that there's nothing he can really DO. I hate confrontations. Ironic, given what I do for a living, but it's different when it's our personal life.

Hugs, and sending good vibes your way!

Another thought is that maybe its all the new GF pushing so she can please him and fix the things in his life she feels are broken. You mentioned SHE wrote a long note in the card. SHE is requesting pictures, etc. I would think that someone who lost custody and there is legal paperwork to prove that would be pushing to have that all exposed.

I would screen his mail, his emails, etc and see if more things come about then decide on a course of action.

Sending you lots of love, tu. There is no dispute at all in my divorce with STBXAH, and I also get anxious when I think something could even possibly set him off. :grouphug:

^ ditto, ladies. TU-you are ok-DS is ok. Hugs, many hugs. It's awful that anxiety kicks in bc we KNOW what telling them to follow orders and holding them accountable does. Try and get sleep, rest, and pray for God to take your anxiety-He already knows how this will work out so all you need to do is be a good momma to little TU :)

I understand the anxiety. Kudos to you for doing this. Your child deserves the financial support. I hope you get it from the SOB.

Oh man, do I understand that anxiety and hate of confrontation. I just want to say I support you, I understand. You are an amazing momma, keep it up!

Many hugs!

Was going to add-just let God deal with these "men" that don't even try to financially support their children. He will handle them accordingly.

Thanks so much, everyone. Posting the reminder that he's so far away and then dinner with my younger sister and her kiddos last night helped a lot. It was easier to breathe while laughing at the stories my nephews and DS were telling about their days.

It's still kind of in the back of my mind, but it's much easier to breathe and easier to remember that there's not much he can actually do to lash out. I think FireSprite is right that part of it is related to triggers with having to file legal stuff previously and just the conditioned response of trying to duck his anger or not make waves. It helps a bit right now to be angry at him for not paying which made filing necessary. It definitely helped reaching out and hearing from you, too! Thank you!