I asked him to stop drinking and he decided he doesn't love me anymore...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi hon...just take what you can out of all that has been said. If nothing else, read up on alcoholism and educate yourself. I was married 22 years to a man that when I 1st laid eyes on him in college I told my cousin I would marry. Yep, I married him and have 4 kids who have had to witness awful things due to his disease. The disease progressed over the years worsening to the point I didn't recognize who he was anymore -- forget that, I didn't recognize myself. I lost myself and have sons that grew up in a dysfunctional home. Alcoholism is a horrible thing to all unfortunate to be near it.
I'm so sorry you have been so deeply hurt by this, but I'm thankful, and hopefully you will be one day too, that you have been spared deeper heartache than you are experiencing right now. Truly it would only escalate worse and worse as unimaginable as that may seem.
Hugs to you...it WILL get better. Seek out Alanon -- they are a wonderful group who have experienced what you have and understand. Keep coming back posting as often as you need to get it all out!
I'm so sorry you have been so deeply hurt by this, but I'm thankful, and hopefully you will be one day too, that you have been spared deeper heartache than you are experiencing right now. Truly it would only escalate worse and worse as unimaginable as that may seem.
Hugs to you...it WILL get better. Seek out Alanon -- they are a wonderful group who have experienced what you have and understand. Keep coming back posting as often as you need to get it all out!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 27
Im so sorry... My ABH did the same thing to me tonight. I wouldn't pick him up from a hospital so he went back to his ex that he swore he never would even consider being back with. But to get what he wanted, which was to leave the hospital and get some vodka, he went back to her, told me we're done. It sucks. It really sucks. Im sure he did love you, the best he could. So does mine. It's just that we have to keep remembering that they can only love to the best of their ability and their ability isn't that great. Plus, they protect their addiction like a mother to her first born and they have to get rid of any threat to it. At least thats how I look at it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
They do love, but not the way we think they should. And once we endanger addiction, we are very disposable. Just do not think it is because there is something wrong with you or because you did something wrong. On contrary, once you start doing the right thing, they "stop loving you."
So you should congratulate yourself for standing up for yourself and not giving in.
So you should congratulate yourself for standing up for yourself and not giving in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Add my name to the list to "soul mate, love of my life, no one has EVER been like him" that turned into a 4 year roller coaster to hell and back. Binge drinkers and chronic relapsers can become very adept at creating situations to keep their mate on the hook even when the red flags are turning up like party favors everywhere. I can testify... read my early posts! (yuck)
It has to be much easier for the A in a long distance relationship as those sure keep those fires burning when your absent from one another. I am sure that if you had the crystal ball or private investigator or a relative got honest he has a lot of wreckage behind him... maybe not as bad as what you are seeing now because alcoholism is progressive.
He has already chosen alcohol and I echo the poster said believe him! Trust me you do not want to get on this journey with an alcoholic even if he starts promising recovery! That is a loooooong and difficult journey with poor statistics... very poor.
He may have been very shiny and beautiful and romantic and fun and caused crashing waves of chemicals in your brain but trust us girls... he ain't relationship material.
We need to start a t-shirt club.
It has to be much easier for the A in a long distance relationship as those sure keep those fires burning when your absent from one another. I am sure that if you had the crystal ball or private investigator or a relative got honest he has a lot of wreckage behind him... maybe not as bad as what you are seeing now because alcoholism is progressive.
He has already chosen alcohol and I echo the poster said believe him! Trust me you do not want to get on this journey with an alcoholic even if he starts promising recovery! That is a loooooong and difficult journey with poor statistics... very poor.
He may have been very shiny and beautiful and romantic and fun and caused crashing waves of chemicals in your brain but trust us girls... he ain't relationship material.
We need to start a t-shirt club.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Be grateful you've only known him for a year.
There really isn't much you can do for him.
He needs to be ready to take those steps to get help himself.
Take care of you, you are important.
There really isn't much you can do for him.
He needs to be ready to take those steps to get help himself.
Take care of you, you are important.
Originally Posted by Cali89 
A little over a year ago I met the love of my life. I am in my thirties and have been in all kinds of relationships-some good and some bad. I've nearly married twice but never felt that special spark with anyone but him. We met at New Years through very close mutual friends and from the first kiss we both agreed that there was just something special between us. The word love doesn't quite describe the connection between us. He was my soul mate. My Partner. My best friend. And I was his.
We live in different states and for over a year took turns flying across the country every other weekend. We have a joint credit card and have merged our lives completely. I have never been treated as well as he treated me for nearly 10 months. Every day he would send me massages telling me how deeply he loved me till only three days before he left me.
He has always talked in terms of forever and we have very seriously started building a life together. We've talked openly about children and marriage and have always both been all in. We have always worked though trials easily and outside of normal relationship ups and downs we have a beautiful and fulfilling partnership with shared respect and love.
In the beginning there were a few cases of heavy drinking nights but they were rare- birthdays or weddings. Then six months into the relationship I started noticing signs. He didn't seem to take a beat between drinks. He would stay out late and forget to do some small things he had promised. The night of his sisters wedding in June he drank until he blacked out, breaking up with me moments before I was stepping onto a flight for a family vacation with his entire family. The next day he didn't remember any of it.
A week later he was black out drunk with my uncle and sent me text messages meant for someone else. When I questioned him on this he lied to me about them confessing later. My parents started to notice an issue and mentioned this to me which I repeated to him. He response was the same as always...I will cut back.
Eight months in I started to notice the heavy drinking nights were getting more frequent. We had several arguments regarding his choices while drinking but have never argued about anything else. He was not always black out drunk but would have a drink almost every night after work. I should say...he lives in apartments above multiple bars where he knows the bartenders, owners, and bouncers personally. He started to slowly withdrawal from the intimacy of the relationship. When I questioned him on this- he informed me that he was on medication for depression that caused this behavior and assured me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me.
A few weeks later he had another all night drink fest which ended in a heated argument between us. I told him that I thought his drinking was problematic and asked him to take a month off to breathe for the sake of our relationship. He promised to cut back and id. For two months following we had a lovely partnership.
Over Thanksgiving I flew out to see him and his house was in complete disarray. Rotting food and piles of laundry and pet excretions. It was simply unlivable. At this point he was sleeping all day and had seemed to loose interest in all things outside of grabbing a beer or watching TV/Movies. I cleaned his house and asked him to see a therapist about making adjustments to his medication. We had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving with my family and had plans to spend Christmas with his. His drinking seemed under control.
Fourteen days later I returned to see him to find the house in the same state as before. At his bosses Christmas party I noticed him down drink after drink at a speed I've never seen. He asked me to leave with him and proceeded to take me to another bar and order more drinks, which ended in another fight. Over Christmas with his family we had a wonderful time. He bought me a designer dress he saw me looking at while gift shopping and it fit perfectly. This is the sort of romantic man he is. For every event or holiday he writes me three cards.
His sister, the only person as close to him as me gave him two bottles of scotch for Christmas. The night we returned to his house he drank half a bottle by himself while watching a movie on his couch. I have NEVER seen him drink this way and it scared me. At this point I told him I thought he has a serious drinking problem. That his behavior was not normal and very dangerous while on anti-depressants. I told him it was irresponsible to take medication to treat depression and then put a depressant in his body. He seemed to listen to me, acknowledging that yes he was concerned as well.
Over New Years we were with our mutual friends on their family farm. We had decided months ago to have a low-key wine only weekend instead of a wild night out. The first night we were there he was wasted and our romantic night together ended with him singing sad show tunes in the bathtub with a bottle of white wine. We argued and I cried and he promised that if I asked him to stop after a few drinks next time he would. The next day he was waisted by 3pm. Even our friends who are heavy drinkers were appalled by his behavior. That night he left a burner on with a towel on top of it and I luckily found it before there was any major damage. He didn't seem to care the next morning which was the scariest part.
After this I confronted him and told him I think he is an alcoholic and needs help. I asked him why he was so withdrawn from our relationship and pushing me away. The following week he flew out to visit me and we spent the weekend as we normally would. He was intimate with me, told me he loved me, and even met my Grandmother for the first time. We already had plans for Valentines day in the works. Five minutes before he was to leave- he broke up with me. He didn't have a reason. I asked him to take some more time to think about it.
Two days later my grandfather was dying and I called him (my best friend). He ignored my calls and I can tell from the tone of his texts he was drinking again. He is only even cold or removed from me when he drinks. Ten days later he told me he had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone or ever be married. He told that in the beginning he was madly in love with me and had decided he did want a future with me, but now due to things I had done in the relationship (which he kindly pointed out) he was no longer in love with me and had not been for months. He had no answer for me when I questioned WHY he would fly back and forth and bring me home for Christmas if this were really true.
He told me that he had realized he wasn't drinking and unhappy because of his depression, he was unhappy and drinking because he was in a relationship he no longer wanted to be in. I was completely floored and devastated by this! We have always talked in terms of forever. He refuses to admit how serious his problem is. Only that he is concerned about it. He is being civil with me as we separate our assets, and says he wants to remain friends but insists that this decision is solely because he has no love for me anymore and is not interested in even the best version of our relationship.
In my heart I feel that this is the addiction talking and not the wonderful man I fell in love with who would write me sweet notes everyday morning for a year. But the hurtful things he's said to me resonate and at times it's hard not to question whether there is some merit to his words. Was the last year of my life not real? If he didn't love me was he pretending the last few months? And if so...how did I not see it? How did I not see this coming?
I feel like someone just took my life away. The only time I have ever truly felt at home was in his arms and I miss him terribly.
We live in different states and for over a year took turns flying across the country every other weekend. We have a joint credit card and have merged our lives completely. I have never been treated as well as he treated me for nearly 10 months. Every day he would send me massages telling me how deeply he loved me till only three days before he left me.
He has always talked in terms of forever and we have very seriously started building a life together. We've talked openly about children and marriage and have always both been all in. We have always worked though trials easily and outside of normal relationship ups and downs we have a beautiful and fulfilling partnership with shared respect and love.
In the beginning there were a few cases of heavy drinking nights but they were rare- birthdays or weddings. Then six months into the relationship I started noticing signs. He didn't seem to take a beat between drinks. He would stay out late and forget to do some small things he had promised. The night of his sisters wedding in June he drank until he blacked out, breaking up with me moments before I was stepping onto a flight for a family vacation with his entire family. The next day he didn't remember any of it.
A week later he was black out drunk with my uncle and sent me text messages meant for someone else. When I questioned him on this he lied to me about them confessing later. My parents started to notice an issue and mentioned this to me which I repeated to him. He response was the same as always...I will cut back.
Eight months in I started to notice the heavy drinking nights were getting more frequent. We had several arguments regarding his choices while drinking but have never argued about anything else. He was not always black out drunk but would have a drink almost every night after work. I should say...he lives in apartments above multiple bars where he knows the bartenders, owners, and bouncers personally. He started to slowly withdrawal from the intimacy of the relationship. When I questioned him on this- he informed me that he was on medication for depression that caused this behavior and assured me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me.
A few weeks later he had another all night drink fest which ended in a heated argument between us. I told him that I thought his drinking was problematic and asked him to take a month off to breathe for the sake of our relationship. He promised to cut back and id. For two months following we had a lovely partnership.
Over Thanksgiving I flew out to see him and his house was in complete disarray. Rotting food and piles of laundry and pet excretions. It was simply unlivable. At this point he was sleeping all day and had seemed to loose interest in all things outside of grabbing a beer or watching TV/Movies. I cleaned his house and asked him to see a therapist about making adjustments to his medication. We had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving with my family and had plans to spend Christmas with his. His drinking seemed under control.
Fourteen days later I returned to see him to find the house in the same state as before. At his bosses Christmas party I noticed him down drink after drink at a speed I've never seen. He asked me to leave with him and proceeded to take me to another bar and order more drinks, which ended in another fight. Over Christmas with his family we had a wonderful time. He bought me a designer dress he saw me looking at while gift shopping and it fit perfectly. This is the sort of romantic man he is. For every event or holiday he writes me three cards.
His sister, the only person as close to him as me gave him two bottles of scotch for Christmas. The night we returned to his house he drank half a bottle by himself while watching a movie on his couch. I have NEVER seen him drink this way and it scared me. At this point I told him I thought he has a serious drinking problem. That his behavior was not normal and very dangerous while on anti-depressants. I told him it was irresponsible to take medication to treat depression and then put a depressant in his body. He seemed to listen to me, acknowledging that yes he was concerned as well.
Over New Years we were with our mutual friends on their family farm. We had decided months ago to have a low-key wine only weekend instead of a wild night out. The first night we were there he was wasted and our romantic night together ended with him singing sad show tunes in the bathtub with a bottle of white wine. We argued and I cried and he promised that if I asked him to stop after a few drinks next time he would. The next day he was waisted by 3pm. Even our friends who are heavy drinkers were appalled by his behavior. That night he left a burner on with a towel on top of it and I luckily found it before there was any major damage. He didn't seem to care the next morning which was the scariest part.
After this I confronted him and told him I think he is an alcoholic and needs help. I asked him why he was so withdrawn from our relationship and pushing me away. The following week he flew out to visit me and we spent the weekend as we normally would. He was intimate with me, told me he loved me, and even met my Grandmother for the first time. We already had plans for Valentines day in the works. Five minutes before he was to leave- he broke up with me. He didn't have a reason. I asked him to take some more time to think about it.
Two days later my grandfather was dying and I called him (my best friend). He ignored my calls and I can tell from the tone of his texts he was drinking again. He is only even cold or removed from me when he drinks. Ten days later he told me he had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone or ever be married. He told that in the beginning he was madly in love with me and had decided he did want a future with me, but now due to things I had done in the relationship (which he kindly pointed out) he was no longer in love with me and had not been for months. He had no answer for me when I questioned WHY he would fly back and forth and bring me home for Christmas if this were really true.
He told me that he had realized he wasn't drinking and unhappy because of his depression, he was unhappy and drinking because he was in a relationship he no longer wanted to be in. I was completely floored and devastated by this! We have always talked in terms of forever. He refuses to admit how serious his problem is. Only that he is concerned about it. He is being civil with me as we separate our assets, and says he wants to remain friends but insists that this decision is solely because he has no love for me anymore and is not interested in even the best version of our relationship.
In my heart I feel that this is the addiction talking and not the wonderful man I fell in love with who would write me sweet notes everyday morning for a year. But the hurtful things he's said to me resonate and at times it's hard not to question whether there is some merit to his words. Was the last year of my life not real? If he didn't love me was he pretending the last few months? And if so...how did I not see it? How did I not see this coming?
I feel like someone just took my life away. The only time I have ever truly felt at home was in his arms and I miss him terribly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Friend-your post brought up some memories. When my ex and I first got separated (many many years ago), I was depressed as hell and he was already a raging alcoholic-I just didn't want to believe it. Long story short, he said all the wonderful things and I too never wanted to leave his arms-I meant every word I said to him, and I think he did to me too-but I vividly remember the night we talked aboyt reconciling and his only terms for coming home was that I allow him to drink in the garage bc that was who he was. And you know what? I said, yes. That was almost 6 years ago and if you read my threads you'll see what he has done since. I implore you to NOT trust your feelings right now-use your head-you will see, but you may not like what you see. Most people deny bc they don't want to admit the truth-mostly to themselves. I tried for years not admitting to myself what I knew to be true: that my ex was an immature asshat with a major drinking problem and mommy issues to boot....which I was fully aware of-but just didn't want to SEE it-steer clear of these guys....they are not relationship material. You are disposable to them. I was. It's not you, trust me , it's all him. Please take care!
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