I reported ABF to police for drunk driving

Old 02-11-2016, 09:59 AM
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Question I reported ABF to police for drunk driving

I just posted about how I was just starting to get hit with the feelings that I have been suppressing over the past few months of his relapse. One of the situations that I am struggling most with is my decision to call the police, which resulted in a DUI for him.

ABF went to rehab after the police found him face down between two cars with a busted head and ribs in the parking lot of Walmart during a snow storm. they had called me to pick him up, I refused and said to take him to a detox because I wasn't his babysitter... he went to rehab 2 days later but left AMA 2 days later and came home. Condition was that he had to see a psychiatrist and go to a partial care program for dual diagnosis immediately then IOP in order to stay home. Snow storm the next day closed the treatment center and he was left inside his own alcoholic mind for the weekend... you can guess how that went.

So after still drinking for the weekend, Monday he's supposed to start the program. I get the kids ready for school and wake him up to get ready for me to drive him. He locks himself in the bathroom and comes out stumbling 30 mins later with a pint and a half of empty vodka bottles. I tell him that I am still taking him to the treatment center and following their orders as to how handle the situation.

While I thought he was passed out a few mins after the convo, I took a ride to the corner to get a cup of coffee... literally gone 5 mins, I get back and he's gone! took his spare set of keys that I forgot about and drove off... I called him and he could barely speak he was so drunk by that point... it was 830am and kids were at bus stops, including ours! How could I with a good conscience let this go? I left him messages and texts saying to pull over and tell me where he is so I can get him off the road at least. He had no idea where he was an all he could tell me was the name of a side street that he had passed. So, I google the street and called that townships police department, not 911, the main office number. I told him the last known location, all of his info and that I was sure that he was drunk. I told them that I didn't want him to know that it was me who called, but gave them my name first without thinking...police ask me a question, I answer, just didn't even think about telling them I don't want to give a name...

They asked me for his phone number because he wasn't at the location I gave and disbatch wound up on the phone with him for 40 mins trying to get him to tell them where he was and pull over. He finally tells them he's in a diner parking lot in the next townover and 2 mins later the next towns cops show up while he's urinating with his pants all the way down, facing the street and kept peeing as they approached him... nice right!

So, he got a dui, refused a breathalyzer, a charge for lewd public act (the peeing issue), reckless driving and careless driving. So, he got a lawyer.

While I don't regret calling at all and it is actually the bottom he needed to really get serious about treatment for the first time, I also do not want him to know the extent of how involved I was with his arrest. I told him that I spoke to the police and called them back and gave them his number after a complaint was made about him by someone else, but Im sure it will show in the discovery evidence that I actually made the complaint and all that I said.

It's not really that Im afraid of him being mad or leaving me or anything like that really, it's more complicated. He was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder after the arrest when he broke down and went to the treatment center finally. the day of the arrest, he had said that he was planning to driving into a tree so he could die and his son wouldn't know it was a suicide. I'm pretty much the only one he trusts because of paranoia and the only one in his life that doesn't just enable him (I really try not to, though sometimes fail). I know with certainty that if he finds out that it was me before he is completely stable, he will go off the deep end, relapse and most likely try to die. That would obviously be counter productive to what I was going for by turning him in. Im just really worried about him finding out because he is FINALLY turning things around and I don't want this to screw that up. Not sure what to do though...

I asked his lawyer if I could speak to him confidentially about him and the case and plan on being 100% honest and open about every detail of that day and the situation with him so that maybe he can advise me or help figure out how this should be handled... I really hope he decides to speak to me...

Has anyone else reported their SO and had them find out through discovery evidence?
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:14 AM
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Hi saggirl1125,

Welcome, I just wanted to say I think you did the 100% right thing by calling the police. You were protecting the children, and people out there on the streets from a real danger, that danger just happened to be your SO. Do not let it get twisted by him and try not to feel guilty. You potentially saved his and/or someone else's lives by making the call. Imagine how you would feel if something tragic would have happened and you had not made the call?

Sorry I don't have any experience with this but just read this and had to post. As a member of the wider community I thank anybody who makes the call to report drunk drivers, you did the right thing.
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:21 AM
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Wow. There's a lot going on here. I'm going to leave the legal angle to others who have more experience with that.
You're way inside his head right now, ascribing all kinds of thoughts and motivations to him that might not actually exist. You'e positive that this is "the bottom he needed" and that you helped to bring it about. You're equally positive that if he finds out about your role in the DUI (which really might have happened anyway, given how out of control the whole situation sounded) that "he will go off the deep end, relapse and most likely try to die."

That would obviously be counter productive to what I was going for by turning him in. I'm just really worried about him finding out because he is FINALLY turning things around and I don't want this to screw that up. Not sure what to do though...


This is you trying to control an uncontrollable situation and then trying to control another person's reaction to that situation. What I wish I had done when I was wasting my precious energy trying to orchestrate my ex's bottom and control reality so that he would get sober is to focus that energy on myself and my children instead. Your bf is in good hands right now getting professional legal and psychiatric help. Maybe what you need to do is take your hands off. Totally foreign concept, I know, lol. How will anything get DONE unless you take care of it, right? Believe me, I know the feeling. But maybe it's time to let him start learning to handle life on life's terms.
It sounds like things have been out of control for quite awhile. Are you in Alanon or any type of therapy? I had it in my head that if my ex got sober, my life would be just about perfect. As a result, I neglected myself and my children due to my obsession with fixing him.
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:29 AM
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I also called the police on my ex for drunk driving. I gave them a description of the car, and the license plate #, and the probable route he was taking. I then called him (shouldn't have) and let him know I did this. He did pull over and find someplace to hide for awhile, so at least he wasn't driving drunk.

From what I can see here, they will get him on lewd public exposure, not so sure about a DUI, since he was not in the car. Even though you know he took the car, and that he was drunk, you didn't see him driving the car.

I called the police another time on my ex. He came home drunk and was banging on all the windows. The police came and they threatened to arrest him for drunk driving, but they told me that even though the hood of the car was still hot and that someone recently drove it, that they couldn't arrest him for that, because he was not in the car.

I think you need lots of (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) today.

amy



The cops had sufficient info on him by just witnessing him peeing in public.
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:31 AM
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Oh, and yes, listen to ladyscribbler, I didn't even touch that part of it.
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:43 AM
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Hi ladyscribbler,
Thanks for your reply... I understand what you're saying but I think you're a little off base with it. It's not exactly me attempting to analyze what is in his head if I am going by direct statements made by him. As far as me causing him to hit bottom, no that is not true and I know that... he caused himself to hit bottom and I got out of his way to let him do it rather that trying to get him to stop.

My intention when I called police was not for him to hit bottom, that was a bonus that I was not counting on or expecting, my reason for calling was that he was a danger to himself and others and if something happened to a child while I knew that he was drunk driving and I didn't say anything about it, I could not live with myself. I did it because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to force a bottom.

Also, it is not just alcoholism, it is bipolar disorder so his state of mind is a real factor. I spoke with his therapist and told her everything and SHE said that it was best to try to keep it from him, at least while he is still so mentally unstable and going through withdrawals and his first week of treatment and sobriety. She does not think that he can handle it and feels that it will trigger relapse and possible suicide.

As far as stepping back and letting it out of my hands, his addiction is out of my hands and so is his choice for treatment, though the mental health issues are something that he needs support with in order to focus on his own recovery. I am working with the therapist and his doctor to find the healthiest balance without enabling anything. Obviously it will continue to take work, but I think you might be projecting a bit.
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:49 AM
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Hi and thank you for that! Well, he spoke to the dispatcher for 39 mins with them trying to get him to pull over and tell them where he was so they definitely know he was driving, so I'm sure the dui will stand, as it should. I don't regret it, someone could have been killed and it would have been on my conscience. I guess whatever happens, happens... But knowing that it was the right thing and the feelings attached to it are like two separate entities in my head... as long as I keep acting with the rational side of my brain not the emotional I am sure I will be able to work through whatever the result is...
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Old 02-11-2016, 10:50 AM
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Nothing new to add other than GOOD JOB. You are STRONG and courageous for calling in the DUI. Been in that position but never had the guts to do it. Prayers for your situation.
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Old 02-11-2016, 11:08 AM
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it must be utterly exhausting dealing with all HIS issues.....actually you sound more like a caseworker than a G/F because your "role" in his brand of crazy is just that.

what concerns me is your kids having to live with all of this as well. addiction and untreated mental health issues coupled with suicidal ideation are a LOT for anyone to deal with, but kids just aren't equipped. and mom has a full time job trying to manage someone who probably belongs in a secure facility for a period of time until he is stabilized.

regarding the arrest report, i think individuals who report drunk drivers are protected from being identified in a police report. otherwise no one would ever call. however, it is what it is....and if he can't handle that his own choice of actions led you to make the correct call to get a dangerous person off the roads, well........that truly is HIS problem.

whew. i do hope that you are getting individualized support for YOU through all of this.
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Old 02-11-2016, 11:18 AM
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I was going to write exactly whst anvil wrote-you sound like me a few years ago! (No harm intended),...but honestly, I was so in to understanding each little thing about my ex, managing things, etc that I did seem like a caseworker rather than a wife at times! It's the only way I knew to keep myself and my kids safe-but it was an awful way to live. I agree that maybe instead if focusing in HIM you should focus on how this will (not maybe, it will) impact your children and what foundation this is creating for them in life. I heard a lot about saving him, making sure he doesn't commit suicide, etc....and I understand mental illness, but that doesn't mean you have to stay on this crazy train! The fact that you question if you did the right thing about calling in the DUI let's me know you are on the crazy train and too worried about what he will think (and I am allowed to say that as a former member of the crazy train group that was too worried about what my husband would think of me!). Anyway, just my two cents...based on what you posted.
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Old 02-11-2016, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by saggirl1125 View Post
I know with certainty that if he finds out that it was me before he is completely stable, he will go off the deep end, relapse and most likely try to die.
I'm sorry, but even without knowing you or your relationship I respectfully disagree with this - you literally cannot KNOW this to be true. I know you think that you are taking his words & not inferring meaning but you're talking about the words of a person who isn't likely even aware of what he is saying all of the time. My RAH was horrified later to hear things he'd said during his active addiction days repeated back to him - and I'm not just talking about things he said while intoxicated. A lot of it was strictly for shock value & had zero to do with any actual thoughts or feelings. I spent a lot of time stressing over things he didn't remember saying or didn't mean, what a waste.

I will say that while I realize that the Bi-Polar diagnosis plays a part in all of this, every person I've spoken to that HAS that diagnosis says that while support is important, it is still up to THEM to manage the same as any other type of recovery or medical condition. A friend of mine has been struggling with this dynamic in her relationship for a long, long time because she is terribly unhappy & feels trapped into staying because SHE doesn't believe he's competent enough to take care of himself & that's not true - just the version of truth she chooses to see right now.
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Old 02-11-2016, 11:44 AM
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saggirl....most probably, he will not remember very much of what happened....
I don't see any reason why your name needs to be mentioned.....

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Old 02-11-2016, 11:46 AM
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Addiction and mental illness go hand in hand. His relapse rate will likely be high unless he is willing to only take his prescribed medications, nothing else, and never ever drink, forever. It's a big commitment not a lot are willing to make. I don't say that to be mean or give you anxiety, it is just that if he truly has Bipolar, it's very very hard to treat, and goes hand in hand with addiction, as you know.

You know the right thing to do, just what you said. Keep using your rational brain to make decisions. I hope you have support for you and your children.

Many, many hugs to you.

Hats off to you to call the police. You did the right thing, he could have killed someone, or himself. I want you to know my X said the same things to me, that he was going to drive into a tree so our DD's did not know he tried to commit suicide. While I take things seriously, I can say, that has never happened. For him, it was a manipulation tool to keep me in our marriage and for me to continue to enable him.
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Old 02-11-2016, 11:58 AM
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Thank you for your responses, I appreciate all of them. Im really trying to be as Hands off of this as I can and I do believe that he is responsible for his own actions as well as recovery. While I do still have A LOT of mixed emotions about everything, I am trying my best to act rationally and logically, even when it goes against the way I feel... It's MUCH harder than I thought!

Im following the lead of what his therapist and doctors are saying to me right now since they are clearly more qualified to make judgement calls on the best plans of action than I am. She is who suggested that it will trigger relapse and likely a suicide attempt. Not that it makes me responsible, she was clear about that, but it's just a fragile early stage. I spoke with his lawyer, told him everything and gave him the therapists phone number so that they can figure this out in the safest and most responsible way without me having to be involved at all. I told them that I can not be the "go between" and they I will follow their lead once they work the situation out.
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Old 02-11-2016, 12:02 PM
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Great job! That is all you can do at this point. You are right, he is in the care of the right people right now, his attorney knows the situation, and he is in the drivers seat of his own recovery, or lack of, that is his choice.

Now remember to take good care of you!!!! Do you have face to face support in your life? This may be a great time to check out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for support for you.
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Old 02-11-2016, 03:43 PM
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Thank you for calling the police. That was the right call.
I wish more people had the courage to call the police when they know a drunk is driving.
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Old 02-11-2016, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by saggirl1125 View Post
She is who suggested that it will trigger relapse and likely a suicide attempt. Not that it makes me responsible, she was clear about that, but it's just a fragile early stage.
That's pretty irresponsible on the part of the Therapist. SHE doesn't know that it will trigger a relapse or "likely a suicide attempt". My God, says who? Has your ABF attempted suicide before? I get that he is in a fragile state totally understandable, but future tripping on him and what he will do IF he finds out to the point of ending his life nobody knows.

Kudos for calling. You might have saved a life or two, its gutsy and hard to do with a loved one.

My husband is also Bi=polar. I lived with him untreated in what I would call the worst year of my life. Its not uncommon for bi-polar and other mental illness to threaten suicide. Unfortunately some do so each instance should be treated seriously.

My husband has been successfully treated for 3.5 years and its seldom that I ever see much of the BP behavior. Here and there insomnia and sometimes a bit of cycling but its nothing significant. The meds have come a very long way from the old days of lithium treatments. I wish the best for your ABF, its a horrible disease when undiagnosed and it looks like so many other things it often gets misdiagnosed. Hoping for his successful recovery.

I hope you are taking care of yourself through all this and again, thank you for calling.
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Old 02-11-2016, 07:28 PM
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My AH drinks and drives all the time. I've contacted the sheriff and told him that they can pretty much sit at the end of my driveway any night of the week and get a drunk driver. I've also contacted area departments. He has yet to be caught. He totaled 2 vehicles within an 11 month period, but got a ride from the scene only to get the vehicle the next day. The state patrol was waiting for him the morning of the 2nd accident and asked if he had been drinking. He of course said no. They should have given him a Breathalyzer.... My AH is smart enough to put full coverage on his vehicles. Most people who drink and drive get DUI's. Not my AH. He gets brand new cars.
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Old 02-12-2016, 10:10 AM
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Yep, sounds familiar. My XAH went to a car show where my daughter, son and grandchildren were. The kids called to tell me that he was drunk so I told them to just leave. On their way home, after taking an alternate route, low and behold here comes my AH in the opposite lane coming directly towards them, the car full of the only people on the planet that I truly care about, they had to swerve to miss a head on collision. My daughter called me immediately to say what had happened and without even a second thought I told her to call the police. She did, gave them all the info, including his name and our address and my husband was field sobriety tested and arrested on my front lawn in front of all my neighbors. Not a kodak moment.
Even after what he did, he had the audacity to be mad at my daughter for calling. He didn't speak to her for months. One of the many reasons that he is now my ex husband.
You did the right thing, you may have saved someone's life. The way I look at it, if the alcoholic wants to run themselves into a bridge and kill themselves then so be it, the problem lies in the fact that they typically come out of an accident unscathed, while killing innocent bystanders.
As I read the paper today, all of the DUI accidents and arrests, it turns my stomach, that could have so easily been my family.
You did the right thing!
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