Wisconsin

Talked with STBXAH today, and he was laid off. This is not uncommon in his trade, especially in the winter. The entire crew was laid off, and it sounds like he has another job lined up to start no later than Monday. So, all in all, not really a huge deal. However, it was obvious when I talked to him that he had been drinking. He spent 10 minutes talking about how he doesn't know anybody here, nobody cares, he misses the stability of our home town, blah blah blah. And I just did a lot of "mmm hmmm" and "I see" responses. But inside I'm all "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT DRINKING HAS DONE TO YOU? DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT A MISERABLE HUMAN BEING YOU HAVE BECOME, AND HOW YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY UNABLE TO COPE WITH ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY NEGATIVE? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET YOUR BUTT TO AN AA MEETING TODAY, IF YOU'RE NOT WORKING."

Sigh...old habits die hard, I guess. At least I didn't say it out loud.

Priscilla84

Hi. I'm new on the Alcoholics forum (I usually hang out in Substance Abuse), but I'm feeling this way too. Talked to my ex on Monday. He is telling me how much he hates his life. Hates his job. Needs stable people in his life. He is scared. Angry. Feels his life is meaningless. And then when I bring up the possibility of taking a step to recovery he says he knows what he is doing and he's "gotta do what I gotta do."

I'm blocking his number today. I have to get off the ride. I'm sad but I can't take anymore.

Wisconsin

Good for you, Priscilla! I've generally done a good job from detaching from my STBXAH since I moved out almost 6 months ago. My life is infinitely more peaceful. But I still have these flashes...I wish I could go no contact, but we share a son, so that makes it difficult. In his down moments he is fond of saying to me that I am his only friend here, because "we ARE friends, right?!?" Ugh. I think I need to take a good hard look at my boundaries here, and see where I can make some changes to better preserve my mental peace.

Priscilla84

Of course you should be friendly enough to co-parent, by that's about it. My ex is really intent on being friends too. No way. He played too dirty, and I'm too hurt now to care anymore if it's his fault or not. I was making excuses- well, he has a disease, it's not his fault, etc. I can't take it anymore. I've got my own issues and no one makes special allowances for me. He is well aware he has a problem. He knows it's a bad way to live. And he knows he could stop if he wanted to. But I think he takes some perverse pleasure in fancying himself some tragic figure, like he is Jim Friggin Morrison or something. I have to walk away. I hope it feels easier soon. I've been sad for too long.

AnvilheadII

while not alcohol related, my daughter and i were trading emails the other day on how we would LIKE to respond to others in certain situations.....and how we wish there was a National Tell Like It REALLY Is day where you COULD tell the boss to F*ck OFF and not get fired.

i think a skill in recovery is learning what should be kept as a INNER dialogue..........even if we have to a bite a hole in our lip to do it!!!!

Wisconsin

Truth, Anvil. It has been over two years since I've bothered to opine out loud to STBXAH about what I think he should or should not be doing. It would have been wasted breath, disrespectful of is right to live how he wants, and above all, engaging in those kinds of "debates" with him were one of the many things that kept me hooked in the drama.

Liveitwell

^ agreed. I too have not stated anything to my ex in over a year and a half re whst he should do. He's a big boy-it's his life. Good for you for maintaining not being sucked in-I swear all the baiting and stuff-seriously, grow up! Good for you, W.

healthyagain

You just feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and giving them a really good shake and scream "Wake up , you fool!" or "Which part of TOLD YOU SO you do not understand?"

Too bad things ain't working that way.

I was thinking today what a great life we could have had if he was not an alcoholic. We would do great financially, we would be able to travel, start a family . . . but I yet feel he had to undermine all that. Just to be able to stay a bum and keep his booze and complain about life.

But YOU did really well, Wisconsin.

Wisconsin

Thanks, everyone. I am definitely proud of myself for keeping my big mouth shut on this one.

There was talk in another thread recently about how dangerous it is to hang your hat on your qualifier's potential. And I totally get that . I stopped doing that a long time ago. There are still times when I struggle, though, because he WAS sober and in recovery when we dated and got married. And yes, there were some relationship red flags in terms of some unhealthy stuff that I totally ignored, but it was generally a good relationship back then. You know what I have the hardest time with? Forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not researching addiction, for assuming everything was fine because he was sober, and for letting my otherwise analytical brain get overridden by all the romantic love hormones. I find that I am much angrier for allowing myself to be "hoodwinked" than I am about the disease itself.

Wow...that was quite a tangent! Recovery brings new realizations and new progress every day. Yet another reason why his side of the street holds appeal sometimes--because it means I can ignore all the mess on my side. Why focus on how disappointed I am in myself, when I can shift that disappointment somewhere else...

healthyagain

It is not like they have tattooed "date at your own risk" on their forehead. They also have no hoofs and horns. These develop later. Do not blame yourself too much. Many many people would fall for the same trap. We live and learn, and this is indeed a valuable lesson. I for example consider myself lucky. Through having a super bad relationship, I know what a good one is supposed to look like. Crazy, huh?

((Hugs))

hopeful4

Vent to us Wisconsin, that's what we are here for.

Hugs to you.

LexieCat

Hey, I'd already married one alcoholic (well, married him after he was sober for a year, after many previous years of destructive drinking--and he never went back to it), but when I met my second (IN a BAR, WITH a copy of the Big Book in his apartment, with the lame explanation that he "once thought he might have a problem with his drinking"), I invited him to move right in. As in, within a couple weeks of meeting with him.

Now, which one of use REALLY should have known better?

MIRecovery

My question would be why are you on his side of the street at all? Toxic people thrive on dragging others into their world and as long as we allow ourselves the disfunctional relationship continues