Ground Hog Days--Now She Wants to Retire

Old 02-09-2016, 09:32 AM
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Ground Hog Days--Now She Wants to Retire

"Ground Hog Day," the movie pretty much described my life for the last two years as my wife started drinking more and more and more. In the movie, Bill Murray's character lives the same day over and over and over again, except it keeps getting crazier each time.

I've posted before, but the short story is my wife works away from the home "at a secure undisclosed location," two weeks of each month and then she's home for two weeks.

She is a senior technician and can't drink while at work. It's a restricted, company-controlled environment. There's no tolerance either by the company or other employees for any drinking whatsoever. She's been doing this for 12 years, the last four of which we've been married.

But when she's home, she drinks...a lot, a lot of wine. The home stays always start like this:

1. I pick her up at the airport midday after her overnight flight. She's tired and usually smells like booze because it's free on first class and she's always upgraded because she flys so much. But, not obviously drunk.
2. First several days, she starts drinking at about midday while she's working on projects around the house. The woman can lay tiles with a drink in one hand!
3. End of first week, drinks begin in midmorning. She's drunk by 4 p.m. and slurring words, increasingly nasty personality--critical, judgmental, scarcastic. Goes to bed (passes out) at 8 p.m.
4. Second week, drinks begin as a wake-up, she's drunk by 2 p.m. takes a nap (passes out) at 4 p.m. wakes up at 8 p.m. and drinks until midnight or 2 a.m. Sometimes she'll watch TV, but mostly just sits in her room/sewing room/reading room/inner sanctum and drinks.

At the end, she's up to 3+ bottles of champagne--the drug of choice. Sex (yes old people have sex) is pretty good first week, but falls off as she passes out in the act. Corpse sex just ain't good for one's ego/libido.

She doesn't want to quit. She knows how I feel and thinks that I'm "trying to control" her by asking that she quit or moderate. Any discussion about "slowing down" or getting counseling is responded to by increased drinking.

So, I've gotten myself off and found a great Al-Anon group. Not sure about "working the steps" and the "higher power" stuff, but knowing someone else is facing similar challenges is helpful. Even though she snipes at me for going--did you know that going to Al-Anon is "passive aggressive?" If not, that probably because you didn't go to the Tech University with its world-class psych department.

So, I've come to accept the reoccurring pattern. But, wait, there's more now. She wants to retire early! Oh God, oh Higher Power....I'm not ready for that. I can take the behavior in bites, but day-in-day-out forever. I don't know and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone been successful with an intervention?
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:41 AM
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sometimes we have no choice but the change the movie. you are dealing with someone who absolutely refuses to see there IS a problem and shuts down ANY talk of her changing her drinking behaviors in the slightest. you've only been married for four years? and THIS has been going on for at least the last two.........

keep going to alanon......your "needs and wants" may change over time and if so the program has more to offer you. that F2F interaction with others who know exactly what you are dealing with helps immensely.

IMHO any intervention should be conducted by a professional and should be a well thought out and well planned exercise. you must also be fully willing to accept FAILURE of the intervention to bring about YOUR desired results.
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:48 AM
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If you've been married only 4 years and this is wearing on you and she is home only half of each month, I think I would be seriously considering if this is the life you want to live bc she's made it clear to you that this is who she is and what her lifestyle is.

She is not motivated to change.

You have told her you are concerned and she says what alcoholics say. They project blame and protect their addiction.

Do you want to live with her drinking as she does? If not, then maybe it is time to work on a plan to have her leave or for you to leave.

Im sorry you're in this position. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:55 AM
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A little clarification:

Second marriage for us both. I'm a very young 70 and she's 59. Married 4 years but had been BF-GF for 4 years previous. She always was a drinker, but more like a "good time charlie" drinker rather than a drink to get blotto drinker.

I always was a moderate drinker and rarely got even buzzed. Stopped all alcohol two years ago and began health regimen - lost 40 pounds - after I noticed how old and fat some of my hunting buddies were. I accept that this may have made me less tolerant of her drinking. But one thing worse than one drunk is a drunken couple.

Last edited by Rev 3:16; 02-09-2016 at 10:03 AM. Reason: additional info
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:03 AM
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Hey Rev! I see that you started with us in 2014. You had a brief reprieve with her where she agreed to only 2 drinks a day. That steadily went by the wayside. Now she's at 3 bottles a day.

My advice would be to continue with Al Anon, and work the step program if you haven't yet. As for an intervention.......Every once in a while I do see where they have been successful (rare, very rare), most of the time they aren't.

I know you are still looking for a way to "fix" her. We have all been down this road. There is no YOU fixing her, only SHE can fix her. Since her current response is" She doesn't want to quit." I'd believe her. At least she is truthful. Her alcoholism is progressing. She is drinking early in the morning, all through the day, passes out and drinks more.

If she is able to remain abstinent on the job its not for long is my guess, in fact it might be part of the reason she is considering retiring.
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:09 AM
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Rev,
I think asking yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life living with the scenario you've described is a good thing to consider.

I forget if you said that you are in al anon? I remember with my ex husband, feeling far less lonely once he was gone, than I did when I was living with an active alcoholic....
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Rev 3:16 View Post

She doesn't want to quit. She knows how I feel and thinks that I'm "trying to control" her by asking that she quit or moderate. Any discussion about "slowing down" or getting counseling is responded to by increased drinking.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I will say, as gently as possible, that you are, in fact, trying to control her by asking her to quit or moderate. You have made your feelings about her drinking clear. However, it is 100% her decision to make. The question then becomes what are YOU going to do?

Asking her to moderate (or her telling you she is going to moderate) is pretty much crap in my experience. I do not know of a single alcoholic who has successfully moderated. If either of you thinks that moderation will be a long term solution, my belief is that you will both be sorely disappointed.

It is widely accepted that alcoholism is progressive. That means that the list of things you typed out that happen when she's home? It's only going to get worse. Even if she continues working two weeks a month at the no-alcohol secure location, the two weeks she is home will get worse. And lordy...if she retires, I expect she will probably spiral quickly, and her disease will get much worse in a very short period of time because she will have 24/7 access to alcohol.

Interventions do not have a high success rate, and my personal opinion is that attempting an intervention with someone who has stated clearly and unequivocally that she does not want to quit is a waste of time and emotional energy.

If I were in your shoes, I would bring the focus entirely back around to myself. What are you willing to tolerate? What are your boundaries? What are the consequences for boundaries being crossed? Are you *really* willing to enforce those consequences? Because even if you SAY you won't tolerate something, if you continue "business as usual" with your wife in the face of the offending behavior, you are in fact showing her that you WILL tolerate it.

How can you continue to find support for yourself? How can you detach emotionally from her choices? How can you create an environment that gives you some peace and serenity? How can you identify your own behaviors that enable her, and/or functionally serve to allow the situation to continue in the status quo? You cannot make her stop drinking. Period. But you CAN change how you allow it to affect you. And honestly, when you're dealing with an active addict, the eventual determination is that you can change how it affects you by leaving.
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Old 02-09-2016, 11:01 AM
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Rev. As another male that can share your version of life. I'll just concur with a few things. I feel and felt very much like you about it all. I did find that Al-Anon while in the the long term wasn't helpful, where it was helpful was the following.

1. You realize that you have a room full of people with similar stories we do.
2. You can go there to just get away from your home life.
3. You can begin to see that the way of life with an alcoholic almost follows a road map.
4. Having that road map helps you begin to navigate your way out.

It was ironic. My ex is the one that asked me to go to Al-Anon. AA encourages their members to get their family into Al-Anon. She believed that Al-Anon was there to help us deal with them. So in her mind, it was to help me tolerate her drinking.

In reality, Al-Anon teaches us how to begin our own journey away from the Alcoholic. Or to give some the skills to stay in the relationship and just learn how to cope and deal if they have no way out of the relationship (ie. a parent with a child that is an Alcoholic etc.)

I myself only needed Al-Anon for about 3 months. And 2 of those months were a struggle. Once I realized that they didn't offer me any new tools to help my ex stop drinking, it was just a place to get away and talk to others. For which I was thankful for. I left my ex shortly after that 3 months. For me there was no relationship saving revelations. In fact if anything it helped solidify my view that I was done with an Alcoholic in my life. I saw a room full of people that were facing a life of misery with an alcoholic. They were simply trying to make the best of it.

And P.S. My sex drive went to ZERO when she was drinking. And she was drinking so much that I never had the desire. I also thought it was because I was getting to be an old man. :-)
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Old 02-09-2016, 11:59 AM
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When she says she does not want to quit, believe her.

Now, put that focus back on you, and your own plans if you want to deal with this, or not.

Good for you to attend Alanon, good face to face support!
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Old 02-09-2016, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Rev 3:16 View Post
Has anyone been successful with an intervention?
I am in no way any kind of expert, but I can't name & count the number of resources I have read/watched about addiction over the last few years. Every single thing I have ever seen states that interventions are only successful with those who are READY to get sober. All in all a forced intervention/detox rarely, if ever, leads a person to long-term recovery. I have come to think of interventions as another form of an ultimatum, personally.

It sounds like she has an intense binge cycle established here - how long do you think it's sustainable? Do you think she's considering early retirement because she sees the handwriting on the wall herself?.... that she can't continue to moderate bi-weekly like this & hide her habits in a professional environment, but that staying home will allow her to progress to the next stage of her addiction quite comfortably?
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Old 02-09-2016, 07:46 PM
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Absolutely thought provoking comments. My problem is me. I have been a "big brother" all my life...well all but two years of it. I've generally been in charge of things and have fixed things that are broken. I'm logical and stubborn. She is very logical. Her behavior just doesn't make sense and ought to be fixable.

And yet, others are right. "Co dependent No More" is right. "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" is right. The Traditions of Al-Anon are right.

At the last Al-Anon meeting, a woman shared that she'd taken her husband to his NINTH rehab and was feeling bad until she met another wife who'd taken her husband to his 17th rehab. Not going to do that.

I seriously don't think that I could be around her all the time if she retires. It's enough that I deal with it for two weeks at a time and it only progresses to the worst at the end of that time...I didn't mention the hallucinations, and disassociative episodes. She's a nasty drunk too, fault finding, sarcastic and unpredictable.

I've reached a tipping point and I'm going to figure out how to untangle finances and tie up loose ends. She's damaging my health physically and mentally--I spent two days in ER after a stress-induced muscle seizure that we thought was a heart attack or blood clot in my lung. And, she complained that "you've changed," when I got back from the ER.

Sorry, I'm all over the place on this and I just can't believe it's happening.
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:09 PM
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Sorry, I'm all over the place on this and I just can't believe it's happening.
Rev, I know that feeling of unreality very well. I'm sorry you're there too.

I'm glad you're here and reading and posting and thinking things thru and making plans. Keep on moving ahead slow but steady, taking each step as it becomes clear to you.
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Old 02-10-2016, 01:32 AM
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Rev if you feel inclined, show her your description of her 2 weeks at home from your original post. It would be interesting to see if it stirs anything in her. She probably won't stop drinking, but it seems like a dispassionate account of how she acts from your POV. It's not much of a relationship is it?
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Old 02-10-2016, 01:59 AM
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I'm a recovering addict alcoholic

Thank u for ur post! Great topic.
1. Yes if people said to stop I was so defiant and stubborn that I would make it worse and punish for trying to stop me.
2. However you don't want to participate on enabling: I took enablers and ran with it. Made them feel guilty by saying u don't love me enough. I was so manipulative but on the other hand their "kindness" was helping me dig my grave. Solution is to have ur boundaries and be firm and clear. Be ready to walk away from her.
3. She has her own higher power and you are not hers. (We all have our own HP).. You don't have to pick up after her pieces and u don't need to fix her. (changing her clothes. Covering up her lies. Being put in a chauffeur duty so she can drink. Providing for her comfort while she drinks, etc).. When u find urself jumping thru too many hoops it's time to look at what is going on.
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16 View Post
"Ground Hog Day," the movie pretty much described my life for the last two years as my wife started drinking more and more and more. In the movie, Bill Murray's character lives the same day over and over and over again, except it keeps getting crazier each time.

I've posted before, but the short story is my wife works away from the home "at a secure undisclosed location," two weeks of each month and then she's home for two weeks.

She is a senior technician and can't drink while at work. It's a restricted, company-controlled environment. There's no tolerance either by the company or other employees for any drinking whatsoever. She's been doing this for 12 years, the last four of which we've been married.

But when she's home, she drinks...a lot, a lot of wine. The home stays always start like this:

1. I pick her up at the airport midday after her overnight flight. She's tired and usually smells like booze because it's free on first class and she's always upgraded because she flys so much. But, not obviously drunk.
2. First several days, she starts drinking at about midday while she's working on projects around the house. The woman can lay tiles with a drink in one hand!
3. End of first week, drinks begin in midmorning. She's drunk by 4 p.m. and slurring words, increasingly nasty personality--critical, judgmental, scarcastic. Goes to bed (passes out) at 8 p.m.
4. Second week, drinks begin as a wake-up, she's drunk by 2 p.m. takes a nap (passes out) at 4 p.m. wakes up at 8 p.m. and drinks until midnight or 2 a.m. Sometimes she'll watch TV, but mostly just sits in her room/sewing room/reading room/inner sanctum and drinks.

At the end, she's up to 3+ bottles of champagne--the drug of choice. Sex (yes old people have sex) is pretty good first week, but falls off as she passes out in the act. Corpse sex just ain't good for one's ego/libido.

She doesn't want to quit. She knows how I feel and thinks that I'm "trying to control" her by asking that she quit or moderate. Any discussion about "slowing down" or getting counseling is responded to by increased drinking.

So, I've gotten myself off and found a great Al-Anon group. Not sure about "working the steps" and the "higher power" stuff, but knowing someone else is facing similar challenges is helpful. Even though she snipes at me for going--did you know that going to Al-Anon is "passive aggressive?" If not, that probably because you didn't go to the Tech University with its world-class psych department.

So, I've come to accept the reoccurring pattern. But, wait, there's more now. She wants to retire early! Oh God, oh Higher Power....I'm not ready for that. I can take the behavior in bites, but day-in-day-out forever. I don't know and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone been successful with an intervention?
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Old 02-10-2016, 04:16 AM
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For me the illogical aspect of the disease was hardest to overcome. 2 + 2 = 13 when dealing with alcoholism. The following helped me (which I learned from SR)

1. I can't do anything about stopping it (Really, seriously, can't)
2. Its not personal. Its not being done to me purposefully or with intent to hurt me. How it hurt me, which was deep, was nothing more than being a casualty of war rather than the target of it.
3. Alcoholics go through life trying to find a way to drink, and keep everything else status quo at the same time. Once I understood that the disease did become a bit more logical as I got that every action was about maintaining alcohol in their lives; even if the result was undesirable and hurtful to me.
4. Alcoholics trick themselves into believing that maintaining a job, or managing other life responsibilities, means they aren't alcoholic
5. Their minds are so pickled with denial they can't really see themselves objectively; they do not see the result of their actions. They may know when they have crossed the line - but never accept that its as bad as it really is. Its almost as if they have a dysmorphic disorder about themselves. Which leads me to to my final thought.....
6. Their denial exists in part to their codie/enabler sticking around and putting up with it. We talk about the illogical disease of alcoholism, but how illogical is it to put up with daily unacceptable, drunken, sometimes abusive, behavior that often results in legal issues as well as financial burdens? Its crazy to. Been there and done that....never again my friend.

I think it very wise for you start working on a Plan B since there is zero indication here in willingness on her end to get help.
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Old 02-10-2016, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Rev 3:16 View Post
My problem is me.
This is a POWERFUL statement toward self-healing, IMO. It wasn't until I saw MYSELF clearly & took everyone else out of the equation that I was able to start creating change.

And I mean it sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, when I say that spending time recovering from the Inside-Out has paid off in more ways than I could have ever predicted. It is seriously true that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. The only way to break or stop a cycle is to stop feeding it's momentum and start a new paradigm instead.

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this - Please remember to take care of YOU. Stress-induced seizures do NOT sound fun & certainly it is your body's way of telling you that you are overwhelmed right now.
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Old 02-10-2016, 08:04 AM
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Rev,

My XAH was younger than I. We lived in a home that I owned and I was totally self sufficient before I met him. I simply loved him and didn't need his support.

My lifelong dream was to retire young and do some traveling as my parents had done when they retired. I had done a lot of traveling before I met him but was still working. I had scrimped and saved all of my life and was able to retire at a young age and have my savings, pension and health insurance.

Not long after I retired my XAH came up with the bright idea that he wanted to retire. He would lose a lot of benefits by doing so at that time. No amount of logic would stop him. He retired at 48 years old from a very good job making more money than I ever thought about making and with great benefits. He no longer had to stay sober and while the marriage was troubled because of his drinking it became simply unbearable. I decided to cut my losses and get out while I could. I did not want to support a grown man who chose not to work and who was increasingly becoming more dependent on me.

We divorced and I can say that it was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself. I wonder now why I put up with the insanity for so long. I divorced a man that I was still in love with. I had no choice if I was going to survive.

The longer that you stay married and especially if she quits her job the more dependent she will be on you. I did not work hard all of my life so my XAH could get plastered every day while I took care of everything.

If you separated now perhaps she would feel the gravity of such a huge decision a retirement. As it is now you are her safety net.

I wish you the best. I have been there.
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Old 02-10-2016, 08:18 AM
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I cannot EXPRESS how grateful I am that I got sober when I did--three years before I retired. Had I not done that, there is no question in my mind but that I would have spiraled downhill rapidly once I retired--that is, assuming I didn't flush my career/pension down the drain before I was eligible to retire.

I am on my awesome second career now, and loving it. No way I could have gotten this job--let alone done the work--if I hadn't gotten sober when I did.
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Old 02-10-2016, 02:21 PM
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Not to sound selfish, but really, do you want to have her retire then have to just spend the rest of your days taking care of her while she spirals, because that will happen.

Once you speak to an attorney you realize it's not nearly as hard to separate things as you think it may be. I know for myself, after 15 years of being married, and 18 years together, it seemed like a huge hurdle to overcome to separate everything. It was pretty simple actually, I just needed an attorney's help.

You deserve to live a happy and sane life.
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Old 02-10-2016, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
Rev,

My XAH was younger than I. We lived in a home that I owned and I was totally self sufficient before I met him. I simply loved him and didn't need his support.

My lifelong dream was to retire young and do some traveling as my parents had done when they retired. I had done a lot of traveling before I met him but was still working. I had scrimped and saved all of my life and was able to retire at a young age and have my savings, pension and health insurance.

Not long after I retired my XAH came up with the bright idea that he wanted to retire. He would lose a lot of benefits by doing so at that time. No amount of logic would stop him. He retired at 48 years old from a very good job making more money than I ever thought about making and with great benefits. He no longer had to stay sober and while the marriage was troubled because of his drinking it became simply unbearable. I decided to cut my losses and get out while I could. I did not want to support a grown man who chose not to work and who was increasingly becoming more dependent on me.

We divorced and I can say that it was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself. I wonder now why I put up with the insanity for so long. I divorced a man that I was still in love with. I had no choice if I was going to survive.

The longer that you stay married and especially if she quits her job the more dependent she will be on you. I did not work hard all of my life so my XAH could get plastered every day while I took care of everything.

If you separated now perhaps she would feel the gravity of such a huge decision a retirement. As it is now you are her safety net.

I wish you the best. I have been there.


Rolltide, your story is an absolute gut punch. Change the genders and it is the same script I'm living. Actually makes me feel like Scrooge being taken by the Ghost of Christmas Future.

I have resolved to take some quiet time while she is away and work through an exit strategy, albeit with an opportunity for her to change. If she can not drink for work, then she can not drink for me. Although I've seen the affect of inadequate or sham resolve and subsequent relapse. Before we moved, her liquor bill had become more than our mortgage each month.

And, yes it may take being willing to lose the marriage and her to save them. Then I can know that I've put my whole heart and all my energy into saving something that was once precious and became dust.

Thank you all and thank you for messages that help me find a good path.
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