shutterbug

Ummmm, could someone offer some quick words of advice? I have been sitting at this computer for about 14 hours straight with only a couple of potty breaks and to take a bath. (oh and I went out to my car to get another pack of cigs).

I don't know why but I just can't make myself stop....like I told Magic earlier... I just keep typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and so on.

It's some sort of recovery marathon that my mind seems to be stuck on.

Just having a little recovery party I guess
I know if I go home that you guys will still be here when I come back...I'm just having a little trouble letting go of all the warm hugs and vibes right now.

HELP!!!!! I didn't know that recovery could be this addicting.

Magichappens

((Jenna))
When I am in pain and seeking answers, I dig like a backhoe. Sometimes I have to pray to get obsessive thoughts out of my mind. Plowing into recovery looking for the answer today is not taking care of me.

It may be something you need to do right now. It isn't as bad as some of the things we do to ourself. But ask yourself if there are other things you need to be doing to make your life better. Then pray to be able to break away and do them. SR will be here when you get back. Hugs, Magic

shutterbug

I'm like the energizer bunny of typing that you just can't turn off!!! Please make it stop. You think I'm joking, but I'm really not! You should see what I did in the mental health forum. I've been in there all night responding to everything since my brain was turned on again at around 6 p.m. yesterday.

It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either going 90 to nothing mentally (or physically or both) or I'm just a bump in the road for others to hit the gas over so that they can feel that whoosy feeling in their tummy's when they go air borne.

AHHHH I know I should go home. I know my dog is waiting for me. I know I haven't eaten anything in 14 hours and that my side door is unlocked at my house. And that donuts sound good and that the donut shop is open at this hour. I also know that I have a huge headache and need to make yet another trip out to my car for more cigs.

Two months ago I thought I was one of the most normal people in the world. I was going through a rough time of things, but I had my life pretty together and was working on making it even better with my Alanon recovery. Then WHAMO!!! My HP turns the light on and shows me that I'm just a little nutzo. I mean who sits a computer this long, typing and typing away with their mind going a hundred miles an hour????

Words, words....send me words and prayers and warm vibes and all that to help me pry myself away from this computer.

Oh gosh...what if I'm still on here days from now...that would REALLY be freaky wouldn't it.

See usually I can't wait for some brain activity, but at the moment I want to turn it OFF!!!

Can anyone help me find the OFF switch????? I know it's got to be somewhere. ew ew...I just remembered. My doc gave me some anti-anxiety pills. I guess moments like these are when I need to start remembering to take them.

Okay...I'll be back.

cwohio

go home dorothy - toto is waiting for you! lol

hugs - cwohio

shutterbug

Okay, I took the little purple pill and Magic thank you for your words and these pills usually work pretty fast. And just knowing that my brain is going to slow down soon is helping me get out of my panic attack.

Prayers, lots of prayers please. I'm feel like I well on my way to recovering from my co-dependency issues and to hopefully getting my manic/depressive disorder under control, but times like these make it hard to feel hopeful for my future. I should be posting this in the mental health forum....but you guys wake up early and so I know you are here for me right now when I need it.

All these different episodes, attacks, moods - whatever are so confusing and draining that sometimes lately I've just feel like throwing in the towel for now and just going back to letting my heart be my guide instead of my head (especially since my head doesn't seem to be co-operating so good right now). I mean the mental illness is enough to deal with on it's own, and so is the anon issues. And I'm trying to learn and deal with both equally at the same time. It's so very hard sometimes. I'm so very scared about my future. That fear gets to be its worst after an attack or when my mood stays too long and too strong in one direction for any longer than 1/2 a day. It just hits my like a hurricane. I'm left shattered and bruised and barely standing.

I am calming down now because the depression is setting back in...but prayers..please send lots of hugs and prayers my way. Please Please Please????????????

I am very tempted to read the new threads that I noticed have been put up in the last several minutes, but I think staying in this single thread - with no outside subject stimuli...is what is also helping me calm down. My mind is slowing down and I know if I read those new posts then my brain will switch into hyper drive again. So I am logging off now and I'm going to go get some donuts and milk...and then go home to my little doggie.

Boy when I listen to myself...I really DO sound crazy, but this is only a fraction of what is going through my mind, becuase I just can't type as fast as my brain works.

Well I'm going now. Thanks for everything and for really just allowing me to make a thread just for the purpose of letting me type my head off to calm myself down while I'm in a panic attack. I hope you all don't think I'm totally wacho...well most probably won't want to read this far down (I wouldn't) so I guess I shouldn't worry about that too terribly much. I just hate to allow myself to really know when I don't have it all together...and letting other people in on it is even more difficult. But that is what SR is for...healing so why am I worrying about typing so much about my mental state and the thoughts going through my head? I shouldn't be and am really stopping this time.

I'm going to stop typing because I am craving those donuts now and want a cig which happens to be in my car.

Thanks again. - prayers please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live

I do it too. It was 4 am when I finally gave it up. I do take breaks and take a siesta afternoons.
I am not mad at myself for digging like a backhoe (I liked that!)
I found pounds of gold in the last few days.

But it is true we do have to strive for balance, Paulie and others know that I struggle to take proper care of the external.
But I am getting better and I have faith.

And with the gold I found, there are some places I'll never have to dig again.
AWESOME!!!!!!

I would not allow myself to turn this thing on this morning until I had tidied up some things around here.

And, yeah, I take anti-anxiety meds to turn things off too.

In fact, I am going to take 1/2 one now, because the wind just blew the door shut and I startle so badly I almost hit the ceiling.

I was, I SWEAR, getting dressed to go out for a real meal last evening, because I have been neglecting that and as I was, someone knocked on my door to tell me to eat. and see if I was well. When I got downstairs there were 3 of them and they let me know they knew exactly how much coffee I drink, whether I eat or not, whether I get out or not etc. And that I was not taking proper care of myself.

I know who did this and part of me wants to strangle them and the other part of me is just laughing. BUSTED.

So, man I got dressed to go out first thing this morning. I will leave my room and go telephone bf in states. I opened up my doors to the patio so they could see in, opened windows for fresh air. Will let the cleaning lady in today. Find out if the people I love are okay, They got the sidelines of Ivan last night.

But in all truth, I know it is good for me, but my biggest motivation is to get them to leave me alone for another 2 or 3 days.
I also know that once I get out, I will get into it and stay out in the world doing things longer than I feel like at this moment.

Live

mi amiga, you would laugh if you could see me. I am a pacer.
I am riding this one out until I go into chemical withdrawals. My meds were mailed to me from the US and I haven't received them yet dammit. where is my mail???? I am down to the bottom of them and hoarding them, emergency reserve.

Half the stuff, I sorted and put away properly, then caved in grabbed the other half and slung it in the closet. (digging it out from under my bed). Paced some more. Put on makeup and caught myself talking to myself in spanish. and if that door blows shut again I am going to tear it apart. I've got it blocked now with a bag of potting soil.

but I am telling you everything APPEARS okay. the room. my appearance. don't sniff me okay?

I just laugh at it all. As long as I don't fall into depression I am okay.
For me, this isn't manic, this is anxiety. I am very good at picking myself up from it.

so what, today I am faking it til I make it, it will become real in no time at all.
so what, I am doing the right things for the wrong reasons. doing right things will still have right consequences.

I'll go walk and walk and walk and walk it off.
It is tapering off all ready. I'll take my emergency meds with me in case the news from home is bad. malo. espanol.

so there is a committee in my head and they are talking pretty loud.
I am still not unhappy or in pain.
I am hearing annie lennox in my head, walking out the door and standing in a line at the same time.

my daughter would raise her eyebrows at me and cover her mouth giggling.

oh yea, rock on, watch me walk out the door!
Anybody got any old t-shirts?

skyleh

I have been searching and reading and recovering constantly since everything happened with my husband while I was on vacation...its is slowly...slowing down for me...but it helps greatly so I think as time goes on...and healing occurs...you will be able to let go of that recovery addiction...maybe right now you just need it...I know I have!!! Good luck

freya

OK so maybe I'm a little sensitive to this whole issue because of my personal experience over the last yeaer....but I'm feeling like I really need to say that you (general "you" as is "people") truly need to be careful about getting addicted to being on-line. My partner became addicted to the internet last Fall and it has been really terrible experience and every bit as threatening to our relationship, to her job, to her physical health (not eating or sleeping, going to bed at dawn and getting up a few hours later only to make it through the day by main-lining caffeine, which has had a terrible effect on her digestive system) as if she had started drinking again. And it's not porn she's into either, it's gaming and chat, and e-baying.....I'm not saying that that's happening to anyone here but I do think it's important for people to be aware that it is a real danger that should not be dismissed or taken lightly.

Be well -- freya

shutterbug

Hola, ?Como Estas?

Gracias mi amiga por su palabras. Yo comprendo.
If I'm standing when I have an anxiety attack I pace too! I only discovered this 3 weeks ago while in the hospital. I've been an asthmatic all my life so I didn't recognize my anxiety attacks...intead I would just keep puffing on my asthma inhalor hoping for relief and not understand why it wasn't working. When I'm sitting or lying down, I've begun to notice that I will do some kind of movement with my hands or feet over and over again for long periods of time.

Fake it til you make it... that's what my orchestra teacher always use to tell us! I hope your meds have come in so that your withdrawls have been minimal.

I finally got a tooth brush yesterday....still have yet to use it...oh well, life will go on.

I've also been really jumpy lately. So I laughed at the door thing. Sometimes the smallest noises have me almost jumping out of my skin. And constant noises just irritate the crap out of me.

I wish the committee in my head could agree on something at least part of the time. Decisions, Decisions...I hate em!

Well, I must go now but I hope to hear from you soon and hope to hear good news also. Sending more warm vibes your way sweetheart.

Hasta Luego,
Jenna

CrazyRed

You gots to brush!!!!!!

shutterbug

CrazyRed,

If you only knew, but I'm really glad you don't. I'm not proud of the non-brushing thing. Quite the opposite, but when going through a severe depression like I've been dealing with...well you just don't have the energy to care much about anything. I was doing good to make myself bath once a week or so and change clothes every couple of days. I didn't venture out much unless I had a doctor's appointment and even then someone else drove so I didn't kill myself or anyone else.

Normally, I'm a very clean and well put together professional, but true depression feels like you've been ran over by a few trucks or a herd of elephants (mine does anyway). In these times, I'm doing good to make it five feet from the couch and to the fridge for some water so I don't die from dehydration. So my breath may be lethal, :yell: but I'm still alive.

Actually I Finally brushed yesterday!! nearly menty fresh!

I am slowly getting better. I think? It still feels like there is still a clog in the pipework of my brain, but a few clear thoughts are dripping past now. I think?

See, look at em sparkle ------>

splendra

Shutterbug-

I am praying for you. I know how difficult it is to get past our obsessions. Have you tried doing some chores? Make the bed ,vaccume,dust,iron,do some laundry.....Do things that take care. Know that we really care about you here and read your post and that keeps you with us and us with you even when you are not online. You are not alone in this. I love reading your post. You are smart and smart people take care of themselves!!! I know you will. Where is this computer you are on if it is not in your home?

kfa2004

Hey Shutterbug-
I have been there. I remember having a couple of real good friends tell me several times a day (so many sometimes till I just wanted them to Shut-UP) YOU ARE A STRONG AND GOOD PERSON. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!
Love and Hugs
Kat

CrazyRed

Shutterbug-

Your reply to me has really made me smile tonight -my face hurts from the grin, for real.

A very close friend of mine of years is manic/depressive. She used to get depressed every year around Halloween and stay in bed (or the hospital) until spring. She is no longer nearly as depressed as she once was nor as often, and has since moved out of state.

We have this joke together: we first met b/c she was dating my ALO's brother & I didn't understand the depression (until she educated me). I would tell her to eat a piece of chocolate and run around the block to rev up the endorphins in her brain, make her feel better. She hung up the phone when I first said that! Now -years later- if she's had a bad day or whatever, I say it about the chocolate and we both laugh.

Shutterbug, I mean this from the bottom of my heart:

EAT A BIG PIECE OF CHOCOLATE AND RUN AROUND THE COUCH A FEW TIMES!

Hugs and thanks,

Red

shutterbug

Slendra, I owe you a big thanks for the uplift. On days when I feel near human I try to do chores, but all I seem to be able to do is the bare minimums. The day I started this thread I hit a manic state after having been down for several weeks so I kinda kicked into overdrive and all the sudden energy and brain power. It had to be some kind of panic attack because I was very frightened and just didn't want to stop, but I knew I had to. I know I'm not addicted to the Internet, but thoughts of how to fix myself and make things easier take up most of the daily thoughts I have. It's really good to know how much you guys care.

As for the computer, nope I don't have one at my house. There are 3 that I use most of the time. The one I'm using now since I'm spending the night at my sisters, the one I was using the day I originally started this thread is my dad's who is out of state so the house has been empty and the third computer is the one I use at work, when I'm working that is.

I definetly need all the prayers I can get. I found out one of my friends died in a car wreck 2 weeks ago today and no one wanted to tell me because they didn't think I could handle it. I found out when I stopped by work and his wife (one of my really good friends) came in from dinner and was shocked that I didn't have a clue. So my boss came over and told me last night. So many emotions. My eyes still hurt from crying so hard. He died on Sept. 11 and his wife had to bury him the day before her 22nd birthday. I'm hurting so much for her. So please pray for her and her family right now also.

kfa, thanks for the words. Although sometimes I just feel so very weak. no strength left.

CrazyRed, Really glad to hear that I was able to make someone smile. My mood has swung way down tonight, but I'm hoping some sleep might have me feeling better in the morning. Oh and the chocolate cake sounds devine. I'm really craving it now!

Thanks again everyone. I am truely blessed to have your support.