Blogs


Notices

xAH filed contempt motion against me

Old 02-08-2016, 03:56 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I am sure I sound like a moron to admit this but he owes me THOUSANDS (in the tens of thousands) in arrears for child support and Im so desperate to not anger and upset him and incur his wrath that I have just let it go... I could ask the court to garnish his wages etc... but I know that any pittance I get from him he will make me pay in any number of other ways...

I feel like a MORON for letting him bully me over every issue and it's no wonder he continues to do so-- clearly Im allowing it...

I thought if I just let EVERYTHING other than the kids safety go he would finally get tired of fighting me and would leave me and the kids be...

It's like he won't be happy until he has broken me completely and Im just about there...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
amy55 (02-08-2016), Bekindalways (02-08-2016), hopeful4 (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:11 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
WTBH, FWIW, I did all the same things that you did. Trying to make sense out of non sense. Trying to explain. Trying to be reasonable. It took a really long time for me to realize, the insane will not listen to sane. They always try to make their own rules, well now is the time, to ......

put on that camo outfit
you are going to war
you are going to get your self esteem back, and also
your self confidence.

You have divorce papers, and you have a parenting plan.

and you are going to go thru all of that with a fine tooth comb.

you are going to find that indemnification clause.

I know my standard email had to do with financial aspects, but, you can word that the way you need to word that.

When dealing with High conflict people, you need to use BIFF. Be Brief, Informative, Friendly (don't use vulgarity, even if you want to) and Facts.

Point out what the court settlement states, can point out possible consequences, can point out how he can modify, but that if he doesn't you will strickly adhere to court papers.

Can also point out that a judge signed these papers and that you respect the judges opinion (a little brown nosing for the judge), and that if he gets a modification that you would respect the judges decision on that also. (more brown nosing.

Do not go on and on explaining anything. You should know by now that this leads into circular arguments.

I just want to tell you that I went thru circular arguments till I decided, no more. It took me 4 years. We are so use to pacifying them, giving them what they want, it's like we don't know any other way.

There is another way.

You got the court papers. You got the agreements. Now use them.

I get it that it might be hard to do this the first time, but I have to say, that once you do this the first time, it comes easier and easier.

Right now, you are allowing him to threaten you. Turn those tables around. You have the papers to do that.

I do have to tell you that once I told my tantrum throwing baby "no" and to take it to court, I no longer was afraid of how he would react.

It's a big step, but I know how strong you are, and you can do this.

Many (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (02-08-2016), firebolt (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), redatlanta (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:22 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I am sure I sound like a moron to admit this but he owes me THOUSANDS (in the tens of thousands) in arrears for child support and Im so desperate to not anger and upset him and incur his wrath that I have just let it go... I could ask the court to garnish his wages etc... but I know that any pittance I get from him he will make me pay in any number of other ways...

I feel like a MORON for letting him bully me over every issue and it's no wonder he continues to do so-- clearly Im allowing it...

I thought if I just let EVERYTHING other than the kids safety go he would finally get tired of fighting me and would leave me and the kids be...

It's like he won't be happy until he has broken me completely and Im just about there...
You are strong!!!!! You will not be broken!!!!!!

You are dealing with an abusive bully. Good thing is, you aren't married to him anymore.

Take your power back.

I think I read that he has not been seeing the kids on his weekends. That's a good thing. I hope you are keeping journals on this or whatever, if it is that court website thing you go to.

It does take us awhile to work on our on behalf. You have many people here to talk to. We'll help you.

Lean on us till you can walk alone.

I think right now, you can't send him an email like I sent my ex, because there is a court date. Prepare for that. Don't worry about your JADE responses to this. Concentrate on incriminating evidence against him.

If your "craziness" comes up, document that with therapist reports about how you can't deal with him.

Just know that we are here for you, and before you ever respond to him again with anything, run it by us.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (02-08-2016), firebolt (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), sugarbear1 (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:47 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,095
It's like he won't be happy until he has broken me completely and Im just about there...
That is it in a nutshell. That is his plan. You dared to actually leave and divorce him. You must be punished for that, and if it means hurting the girls in the process so be it. He only cares about his pride and his ego and you have damaged both by standing up for yourself.

I agree with the others. You have the paperwork laying out how things were to be done. You have him, in writing, saying he refuses to follow the Court orders. You have documentation of every vile thing he has been doing. Gather up all that stuff and take it with you to court. I know it is scary. I had the nerve to divorce my daughter's father and he made my life (and her life, and she was only a baby) hell for the next 10 years, but once he found out I wasn't going to play his game, and that every time he tried to drag me into court, I won, he finally stopped trying to use the courts to intimidate me.

The rest was gravy and he eventually slithered away.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (02-08-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), marie1960 (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:49 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I told him today in one simple email, the following. I will just cut and paste this from now on. He emailed today wanting to discuss "altering" the sobriety clause of the parenting plan. My reply.

"I will continue to adhere strictly to the parenting plan as signed over the last two years, three different times, by two judges. Do not contact me anymore asking me to make changes to a finalized court order. Any additional communication you wish to engage in with me about court matters will need to come from your attorney. I will communicate directly with him, not with you, as he is your counsel. Thank you. Have a good rest of your week."
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
amy55 (02-08-2016), Bekindalways (02-08-2016), firebolt (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), PurpleWilder (02-14-2016), redatlanta (02-08-2016), sugarbear1 (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:52 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
That is it in a nutshell. That is his plan. You dared to actually leave and divorce him. You must be punished for that, and if it means hurting the girls in the process so be it. He only cares about his pride and his ego and you have damaged both by standing up for yourself.

I agree with the others. You have the paperwork laying out how things were to be done. You have him, in writing, saying he refuses to follow the Court orders. You have documentation of every vile thing he has been doing. Gather up all that stuff and take it with you to court. I know it is scary. I had the nerve to divorce my daughter's father and he made my life (and her life, and she was only a baby) hell for the next 10 years, but once he found out I wasn't going to play his game, and that every time he tried to drag me into court, I won, he finally stopped trying to use the courts to intimidate me.

The rest was gravy and he eventually slithered away.
The irony of my thinking that if I settled I would somehow give up the ability to ever let the court know his true colors... I certainly did not predict that within 3 weeks he would be handing me the opportunity to let the court know all that info anyway...

His attempts to use the court to scare me has worked for a long time. It is scary to have 30 min to defend ones self against lies.... And he is definitely punishing me for "daring" to leave him... and "daring" to hold him to a clear parenting plan that says his drunken antics WON'T be ignored...

Thank you all for your support and experience sharing and encouragement...

I was really close to going off the deep end this morning.... Thank you ALL for talking me off that ledge!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (02-08-2016), firebolt (02-09-2016), hopeful4 (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:54 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,657
"...Have a good rest of your week."

Leave this out. Try no contact with him. Maybe talk to a Domestic Abuse Center and therapist.

Breathe. You are going to be okay!!!
sugarbear1 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sugarbear1 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (02-08-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:55 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, not a "failure"--youou reacted to years of abuse as you always have. The fight-or-flight response served our species for millions of years. The rest of our brains have to be trained to overcome those responses.

And even though you spent the weekend in a tailspin, you brought your problem here, where we were all able to talk it out and help you put it in its proper perspective. So don't beat yourself up.

Not to defend his lawyer (who truly may be a slime bucket), but do you think he's giving his lawyer the truth? You can bet he spun it to him, and I would love to be a fly on the wall when they chat after you present all your evidence, calmly and clearly.

He's the one who will be wasting money--his or his mom's. Not your problem. Sorry you have to be inconvenienced, but the best weapon is the truth. Calmly and clearly stated, as many times as necessary.

I think you'll be just FINE.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
firebolt (02-09-2016), hopeful4 (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 04:56 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I guess this is all a good exercise in my having to accept that I can NOT control what he will do-- I thought if I settled, if I appeased, if I was "good" and let him have the sense he "won" in a way, he would LET me go and leave me be...

I thought I was outsmarting him by settling and getting away finally... I thought I was controlling the outcome and avoiding an ugly confrontation in court...

Clearly, until a JUDGE tells him to knock it the hell off, he will continue to do this to me.... So I just have to wrap my head around accepting that this is what it is and not let the threat of court destroy me like Ive been letting it...

I clearly still have a lot of work to do on myself and my need to grasp that I can not control the outcomes even of my own life insofar as his involvement is concerned.... He's going to drag me to court. It is unavoidable....

I hope that he looks like the ass he is for doing this 3 weeks after he settled with me... That surely can't look good...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
firebolt (02-09-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:02 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hey, not a "failure"--youou reacted to years of abuse as you always have. The fight-or-flight response served our species for millions of years. The rest of our brains have to be trained to overcome those responses.

And even though you spent the weekend in a tailspin, you brought your problem here, where we were all able to talk it out and help you put it in its proper perspective. So don't beat yourself up.

Not to defend his lawyer (who truly may be a slime bucket), but do you think he's giving his lawyer the truth? You can bet he spun it to him, and I would love to be a fly on the wall when they chat after you present all your evidence, calmly and clearly.


He's the one who will be wasting money--his or his mom's. Not your problem. Sorry you have to be inconvenienced, but the best weapon is the truth. Calmly and clearly stated, as many times as necessary.

I think you'll be just FINE.
His lawyer defended a cop killer a few years back and made a name for himself by slandering the dead cop as part of his defense... He also was publicly sanctioned for sleeping with a clients wife and getting the woman a quickie divorce since he was having an affair with her....

The lawyer seems to despise me because I have made an ass of him, while representing myself, in court by showing that xAH is blatantly lying and producing evidence to show as much... The lawyer has argued over the last 3 years, many, many lies, and been humiliated each time because I calmly (and once not so calmly) show proof that he's blatantly lying...

Once the lawyer even was thrown out of court because he spun around and started SCREAMING at me....

So, I think the lawyer knows xAH is lying, and just enjoys helping him punish me by dragging me back. The lawyer and xAH are buddies (drinking) and the lawyer made all these claims early on that this was a man (xAH) he would want his own daughter to marry, that he's a good man, married to a mentally ill woman blah blah blah....

Then xAH got arrested multiple times, got fired, had to disclose employment records showing he was a drunk etc....

So I think the lawyer encourages xAH to be a vindictive ass as much as xAH wants to be one too...

The lawyer is part of the psycho narcissist club is my sense....

It makes for a bad mix....
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
firebolt (02-09-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:03 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
Wanted to say, I think you did really good. You left out any emotions, and told him that it is between him and his lawyer and that you will only respond to his lawyer.

I think this is a great victory for you. Celebrate.

No more trying to reason with the insane.

No more being afraid.

On a curious side though, didn't that feel good?

Many (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Congrats on starting to get your life back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
amy55 is offline  
Old 02-08-2016, 05:05 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd stop ALL communication with him from here on out unless it's something like, "I'm in the hospital and will not be able to bring the kids this weekend." Apart from that, communicate only with his lawyer. Everything his lawyer does for him will be billed to him.

You have one other option, if it ever comes to that. NH will issue a protective order based on harassment, defined as (among other things): "(b) Makes repeated communications at extremely inconvenient hours or in offensively coarse language with a purpose to annoy or alarm another." So keep documenting those communications. If he goes way over the top, you might qualify for that protective order.

Just something to keep in mind. Document EVERYTHING.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
amy55 (02-08-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:07 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
His lawyer defended a cop killer a few years back and made a name for himself by slandering the dead cop as part of his defense... He also was publicly sanctioned for sleeping with a clients wife and getting the woman a quickie divorce since he was having an affair with her....

The lawyer seems to despise me because I have made an ass of him, while representing myself, in court by showing that xAH is blatantly lying and producing evidence to show as much... The lawyer has argued over the last 3 years, many, many lies, and been humiliated each time because I calmly (and once not so calmly) show proof that he's blatantly lying...

Once the lawyer even was thrown out of court because he spun around and started SCREAMING at me....

So, I think the lawyer knows xAH is lying, and just enjoys helping him punish me by dragging me back. The lawyer and xAH are buddies (drinking) and the lawyer made all these claims early on that this was a man (xAH) he would want his own daughter to marry, that he's a good man, married to a mentally ill woman blah blah blah....

Then xAH got arrested multiple times, got fired, had to disclose employment records showing he was a drunk etc....

So I think the lawyer encourages xAH to be a vindictive ass as much as xAH wants to be one too...

The lawyer is part of the psycho narcissist club is my sense....

It makes for a bad mix....
Ew. Well, yeah, there are those bad apples.

Don't worry, the judge will lose patience with the lawyer, too, if he continues along this course of conduct. What a creep.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Liveitwell (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:08 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I'd stop ALL communication with him from here on out unless it's something like, "I'm in the hospital and will not be able to bring the kids this weekend." Apart from that, communicate only with his lawyer. Everything his lawyer does for him will be billed to him.

You have one other option, if it ever comes to that. NH will issue a protective order based on harassment, defined as (among other things): "(b) Makes repeated communications at extremely inconvenient hours or in offensively coarse language with a purpose to annoy or alarm another." So keep documenting those communications. If he goes way over the top, you might qualify for that protective order.

Just something to keep in mind. Document EVERYTHING.
The billing and my sanity is why I will only communicate with his lawyer. Exactly my plan!

And bc I texted him a lot yesterday he texted back (a lot too) and told me I was "harassing" him... I wasn't, but I freaked out that he was twisting facts and accusing me of doing what HE does...

Sigh...

No more communicating for me with him. At all.

Thank you all again!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
amy55 (02-08-2016), firebolt (02-09-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:12 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and one other thing. If he's going to keep dragging you into court anyway, I'd move to enforce the support order. Why not? If you're gonna be cooling your heels down at the courthouse you might as well ask for what you (and your KIDS) are entitled to.

Time to take off the gloves. Being nice hasn't gotten you anywhere. You don't have to be ugly about it, you can just file a polite motion to garnishee his wages.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
amy55 (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:15 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
Just think of the texting back and forth. Wasn't that a circular conversation? the ones that you always use to have?

No you don't need this anymore. You have a paper that says what he can and cannot do. No more reason to JADE. (justify, argue, explain, defend)

You actually used BIFF ( brief, informative, fact, friendly(not using vulgar language). All good. Proud of you.

I guess now leave it go until court, but until then get things organized for the dates of visitation that he already missed, and how he refused to go to the police station for the breathilizer, as stated in the court docs, which that really nice judge had agreed to.

amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:18 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Oh, and one other thing. If he's going to keep dragging you into court anyway, I'd move to enforce the support order. Why not? If you're gonna be cooling your heels down at the courthouse you might as well ask for what you (and your KIDS) are entitled to.

Time to take off the gloves. Being nice hasn't gotten you anywhere. You don't have to be ugly about it, you can just file a polite motion to garnishee his wages.
Oh yeah, child support, you can have his pay check garnished, his tax return garnished, his bank accounts garnished. Or a bench warrant, or whatever, many things to do. He could have his drivers license suspended. Let us know how to help you.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
Liveitwell (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016), wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:20 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Oh, and one other thing. If he's going to keep dragging you into court anyway, I'd move to enforce the support order. Why not? If you're gonna be cooling your heels down at the courthouse you might as well ask for what you (and your KIDS) are entitled to.

Time to take off the gloves. Being nice hasn't gotten you anywhere. You don't have to be ugly about it, you can just file a polite motion to garnishee his wages.
Yup! That's my plan... He really screwed himself this time... It will work out way way way worse for him bc of his doing this... Karma.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
LexieCat (02-08-2016), Liveitwell (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:33 PM
  # 59 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Yup! That's my plan... He really screwed himself this time... It will work out way way way worse for him bc of his doing this... Karma.
And now you put on that camo outfit, and those boots. You got it. You are fighting. You are not going to let him dictate your life anymore, or your childrens life anymore.

What I quoted above is something that you really need to believe. It's all the truth.

The child support, look up what they do to people who do not respect the judge's decision on child support. It's not like he has a reason to not pay it, he has a new job. Have his wages garnished.

You can do this. You are a very strong person.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (02-08-2016)
Old 02-08-2016, 05:39 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,853
I wanted to say one other thing. A lot of people think that you stay in an abusive relationship because you are weak. I fink that ridiculous. You were strong enough to put up with many things, and you were also strong enough to escape safely.

You aren't weak, you are one of the strongest people that I know.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to amy55 For This Useful Post:
Liveitwell (02-08-2016), theuncertainty (02-08-2016)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:10 AM.