Moving Soon

Old 02-07-2016, 04:16 AM
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Moving Soon

Hi,
I took everyone's advice and called the police regarding the harassing telephone call from my ah.
I'm moving on Feb 17th. I'm sad about all this, but relived that I'll finally get my life back and feel safe. It's going to be huge undertaking to pack. I can't afford anyone to help me pack, can barely afford the movers.
This ordeal or I should say disease is so heartless. My ah has no intentions of quitting drinking.
He is happy in his own world. Is it possible my ah will never see that he has a problem ?? My ah feels we is right about everything, tells people what to do all the time, is an expert on everything, makes up stories, uses manipulation and intimidate to control people. I don't know if it's the disease or if he has something truely wrong. Like I said before, my ah is living in his own world and his reality isn't what is real.
Not sure why I'm going over this in my head, but can't seem to let it go. I feel like a failure, that I couldn't help him and we couldn't work it out.
I've done a lot of self reflection. I know I am accountable for a piece of this marriage. Always questioning what if ?, Sound have? Could have? Then I think would it have made a difference?
I know I'm overthinking a situation that should be so clearly evident as to what the outcome should be. I guess emotions are what make us humans and give us a piece of our humidity.
Well, I'll be packing today. Got free boxes and papers from the supermarket. I'm sure I'll have a few meltdowns today, but I'll just pick myself up and move forward. Thank you all for listening. I just think I need your strength and support today.
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Old 02-07-2016, 04:56 AM
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Z, I'm glad you called and reported the phone call. The order only protects you to the extent you are willing to report violations. Otherwise it's just a piece of paper.

It sounds to me like there are two basic things "wrong" with your husband, neither of which you can fix, nor did you cause it, nor could you have done anything about it. One is, of course, the alcoholism. The other is the abuse, which is based on HIS sense of entitlement, not something you did. If there were a "fix" for either one of these, the person who discovered it would be sitting on a gold mine. The alcoholism may contribute to the abusive behavior, but it's really a separate issue.

Whether he's "happy" or not has nothing to do with YOU. As you said, he lies and he's manipulative and controlling. So who even KNOWS what he really thinks or believes? He'll only tell you what he wants YOU to hear and to believe.

The bottom line is this: your relationship with him became harmful to you. You are taking care of yourself.

I totally HATE moving, so I'm right there with you on that. Try to think of it this way--you're packing up to move on to a happier life. Maybe you can't see how that life will look, but this is your opportunity to make it look the way you want it to look. Just imagine--you get to make your own choices and decisions about what YOU want, without someone shooting down your ideas and constantly making you feel bad or trying to make you doubt yourself.

It will take some time to adjust--it won't all be sunshine and roses right away. But you've now got the chance to plan and strategize so it WILL look the way you want it to be.

Hugs, hope the day goes smoothly. Can you crank up the stereo with some great music while you're packing? Something upbeat and powerful? Stuff like that help me when I'm working on something I dislike.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:15 AM
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Go to local fruit stands. They have heavy duty vegetable and fruit boxes that have hanholds.

Free,easy to pack, easy to stack, easy to move. They can hold most items you will need to move.

Go and buy a Sunday paper each Sunday. Use that for packing material.

Moving on the cheap.
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:28 AM
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zircon.....packing is truly a pain in the arse under any circumstances

It will help you to process many of the feelings that you are having in the grieving process....even the tears are serving a purpose......
This move is a giant step forward.....

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Old 02-07-2016, 07:29 AM
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I agree on the music thing. When I moved away from XAH, Phillip Phillips' song "Home" had just come out. It was upbeat and the message was so awesome for me. I paid $0.99 for it and blared it and danced around while I packed and unpacked...my mom laughed when she came to help...it was so therapeutic--because I AM gonna make this place my home... I acted like I was singing it to my kids and sometimes to myself...making promises...

Listen to words like this that remind you how incredibly strong and amazing you are--doing one of the hardest things to do.

And that remind you that YOU make your home, wherever it is and whoever else happens to be there with you. Because YOU...ARE...HOME. You're your own home, through all of life, come what may...and you can trust in that.

Hugs to you today. You've got this.

"Home"

Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble—it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

(Come on!)

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Ao-oo-oo-oo [4x]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [4x]
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:51 AM
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Just listened to the song Praying. Nice.

Zircon, I so hope it goes smoothly today. I would think this moving process will be excruciatingly painfully therapeutic for you. Courage to you brave woman!
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:24 AM
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you are not alone...I am going through similar thing. You wrote some things that I have been thinking too...he felt like he was always right...didn't think he had a problem...blamed everything on me..I am packing my stuff at the house tomorrow and Wednesday...I am taking a friend with me...hugs to you...I am moving to a new apartment on Saturday...starting a new chapter...
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:41 AM
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^ a new chapter indeed. Ladies, good for you...we may never have all the answers and that is ok-but know that HE was your reason to get better and find peace, not your answer.
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:21 AM
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Z & S,
When you finally get out from under their control, you will be shocked what you were living in. The Change in your life will be amazing. No fear, no arguments, no messes, no huge cost to alcohol. Peace, stability, quietness, calmness these are the things you have not experienced in a very long time.

regarding boxes, I went to the grocery store nearly every day and got eggs and apple boxes. The solid ones that are 2 pieces. Then you can pile the boxes on top of each other for storage and they are not to big and heavy to carry. They are very sturdy.

Hugs my friends you are so close to peace and quiet.
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Old 02-07-2016, 04:07 PM
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you have made HUGE strides in reclaiming YOUR life Z!
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:20 PM
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Hi,
Thank you all for your kindness and support. Yes S, I don't know how we will get through the next few weeks. Moving is so difficult.
I've been packing all day, and memories flood my mind. I've really tried hard to remain focused.
My ah never apologizes for anything he says about me or any of the names he calls me. No one, deserves to be called those kind of names. It's very adolescentish.
And the use of intimidation, and getting in my space, and putting me down. Those are the things I remember very vividly.
The good memories are there, but getting buried under all the abusive treatment.
Sometimes I get a little nervous about living alone. Haven't lived alone for over 12 yrs., but then I remember that my living situation, so basically that I was living alone m. My ah came and went as he pleases, blamed not coming home I'm me. He was never available for a conversation about anything that mattered to us as a couple. My ah had given up doing anything in our home that used to give him so much pleasure and a sense of pride. My ah attitude is so arrogent!!!! He also lies about everything. Opens his mouth about things he has no clue, and then lies. Lies about things my kids have told him, of course they told him I'm a bi--h, and he shouldn't be marry me!
So, I've done a lot of packing today, have a lot more to go.
As sad as this is, I think it would be sadder to stay and watch my ah sink deeper into his disease, and take me with him. My ah has no desire to quit drinking.
I think S, and everyone else whose story is so similar to ours, I think we'll be ok!! It might take some time to heal, but in my heart j know we are doing the right thing for us.
Do I still love my ah? Yes, I love with all my heart the man I used to know, the man I married. My ah is not that man anymore.
I'm moving Feb 17th, with my 2 dogs. They are the lives of my life.
Thank you all again for your kindness and support. I couldn't get through this without all of you!
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:17 PM
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Right behind you. Fist bump.
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:40 PM
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Z-I could have written your post word for word. I loved the person I married-not this arrogant abusuve monster he's turned into...I feel ya, sister. You will survive-and thrive!!! Love and hugs to you, friend. Fist bump indeed!
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:47 PM
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I'm moving Feb 17th, with my 2 dogs.
Hey, if you have 2 dogs, you CAN'T go wrong, Zircon! I have 2 dogs also, the handsome basset fellow who is my avatar and a little black Demon Terrier. They are wonderful friends to me, and it helps so much to have such warm and loving housemates.

Glad to hear you're moving on--I will hold you in my thoughts. Wishing you all the best, Zircon.
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