Partner gets mad when I don't buy him alcohol
 

Hey everyone,

My partner has admitted to me he has a drinking problem, it largely doesn't affect me so I don't bother him about it. Been going through the 12 steps for awhile - I respect his need to drink, I'm setting boundaries, etc.

He has broken his leg recently (a drinking accident) and he's largely dependent on my help - this means buying him alcohol. I have been refusing, dodging the question, saying I will do it later. I just don't feel comfortable with it, and I've explained it to him. I've said he's free to drink as much as he likes, I just don't want to be complicit in it.

This has mad him really argumentative and angry, yelling that I'm making his broken leg all about me. I don't plan on backing down from this any time soon, but I can't help doubting myself. Am I really being selfish and thinking too much about this? Is asking for a 6 pack when he's under a lot of stress and pain so bad?

Some advice would be so helpful! This is a very wise community after all.

Beer is not an effective treatment for a broken leg or stress, no matter what he tries to tell you. That doesn't make any sense.

You sound like a smart person. I think it sounds as if is affecting you greatly. Is this the future you see for yourself?

Hi kurapika :)
You are most definitely not being selfish! Don't doubt yourself!
I've been there, and its really difficult to not want to give in. It took me a looong time to learn to stand my ground when it came to that.
Can you go somewhere else when he starts getting angry?
If he wants booze bad enough, he will find a way to get it on his own. My AH always did... Even when he had a broken foot.

Others who are more wise and eloquent will be along later I'm sure, but just wanted to say that.

Take care of you!!!!

Thankfully the arguing has ended and he's just glowering silently... I can live with that. Unfortunately I'm stuck here for the night as he lives closer to my work and I'm without a car.

This part isn't the future I imagine for myself, but the 98% of the time when he's caring and attentive and perfect? That is :guilty:

Hello!

In my personal opinion, I do not think you are wrong for not wanting to buy alcohol for him. He has admitted to having a problem already so you are smart not to enable him. Also, stress is not a reason to drink. In fact there is no good reason to drink...period. There is NOTHING good that can come from drinking alcohol. He is going to get mad at you, so be prepared for that. He will probably make you feel like you are a terrible person for not wanting to "help" him. You have to ask yourself what is important to you. Do you want to just hand him the poison so he can continue harming himself and pretend that the alcohol is somehow helping him, or do you want to truly help him by choosing not to enable him to drink? The reality is that alcoholism is a path to death and you will basically be helping him down that path if you agree to buy alcohol for him. Don't accept that his stress or pain is a valid reason for him to be able to drink. The truth is that an alcoholic will always find a "good" reason to drink no matter what the situation is. Believe me I know from much experience. I'm sad, so I'll have a drink...I'm happy, so I'll have a drink...I'm bored, so I'll have a drink...I can't sleep, so I'll have a drink...I'm stressed, so I'll have a drink...It's raining outside, so I'll have a drink. (basically anything and everything is a good reason to drink in the alcoholic mind).

If he cannot physically go out and get his own alcohol, and you also choose not to bring it to him, he will most likely experience withdrawal symptoms. He will be irritable and anxious in the best case scenario. However withdrawal can also be dangerous and include seizures or other conditions. So if you do in fact decide to not give him any access to alcohol, it's important that you monitor him or even tell his doctor that he is an alcoholic and may be going through withdrawals soon. It is obviously totally up to you, but if you are looking for validation that you are not being a bad person by refusing to bring him alcohol, here it is. I can't imagine that any recovering alcoholic would tell you to give it to him. Just be careful that he has medical supervision and understand that withdrawal is not easy.

But you do realize you can't have one w/o the other, right? And as time passes, you will almost certainly see more of the bad side and less of the good one?

I just skimmed some of your old posts, and I see a post about having left an A boyfriend back in September of 2014 as well as posts titled "At the End of My Rope" and "Sick of Alcoholics." Yet here you are w/someone who expects you to buy them alcohol b/c he's broken his leg while drinking and "can't" go get it himself.

You also mention being involved in Alanon, which is good. However, there is a saying you've likely heard--"nothing changes if nothing changes." It might be time to dig down a little deeper and see if it might be helpful for you to take a few more steps forward, a little more "courage to change the things I can", if you know what I'm saying...

Kurapika.....I agree with every word that honeypig has just said....
An alcoholic who is having cravings will find a way to get alcohol....
I have known of people, who were shut-ins, who had cab drivers who made regular "runs" for them......

I am glad if you are in alanon....
Learn everything about this disease that you possibly can!!! The stickies at the top of the main page--above the th reads--co ntains a virtual crash course in alcoholism.....better than you will find I n most places.....
Knowledge is power.....

If you haven't read "Co-dependent No More"....now would be a good time to do so..... It comes highly recommended....and, I imagine that you will relate to it a great deal.....

Your future and your happiness rests in your own hands....the decisions that you make determine your future.....
Please treat yourself with the care that you deserve......
An active alcoholic cannot care for themselves...much less another person.....

A good thing to do for yourself would be to start saving for a car.....
A woman should never be beholding to a man for anything.....

dandylion

I had a friend in alanon 15 years ago whos husband could not drive. He use to walk almost 2 miles one way to get to the liquor store. She wouldn't buy anything for him. She had no idea how he was getting it as he didn't work and she was gone each day.

She came home one day and he was dead. The majority of the people at his funeral were alnoner's. Sad, but happens all the time.

Your boundaries are not buying alcohol. You need to always follow through, or he will know that he can work you and always get what he wants.

Hugs my friend, life only gets worse with an addict.