Rough night
 

My oldest found the camcorder and wanted to watch old movies of when she was a baby/younger. Some had my ex in the videos and now I'm bawling like a baby. Seriously. Wtf?! I guess it's true that home videos only catch the good-not the seriously bad. But damn-we were happy (or was it just denial of the biggest proportions?) no-we were happy. It was right there in my face. I almost caught myself thinking-wtf happened to him after his dad died that he turned into a monster?! Then I realized in had seen that person many times before-and my ex kept him under wraps but any time something big happemed-hospital stay, work, me, kids, it just fell apart. Alcoholism took him and no matter what he's done to me and my kids, im still so damned angry. He used to make me feel so safe-so taken care of. The farther he fell the more I pushed back. I kept pushing back. Wtf. That's all I have tonight. Knee deep in crap right now and not what I needed to see trying to process certain things. :headbange

So sorry for the pain you are feeling. Those happy memories completely catch me off guard. 90% of the time I'm content and even a little excited about the future but the other 10 I think I'm in shock and still can't believe he's not there. I hate this disease. There is good in every person but darn if alcohol doesn't steal it away :(

I struggled with memories also. I didn't imagine the good times. They were real, and there were a lot of them. So I made a choice to accept both the good and the bad memories, and honor them both. I had some great times, and I've grown from them. I've had some horrific times, and I've grown from them as well. I am who I am today because of the totality of what I've experienced. He was a huge part of that. Both good and bad.

FOG, It does get better. I can tell you right now that I can't remember the last time I cried over my broken marriage. It was probably sometime within the last few months, but it wasn't in the last few weeks. I know that. This from a woman who, only a year ago, cried so often that it became a daily joke. "Go about your business. Don't mind me. I'm just crying again."

Having said that, I do think that one of the things that I still struggle with is missing the way he made me feel "safe". Maybe it was, at least partially, just an illusion, but boy it felt good. I feel untethered without it, and it's unsettling.

I suspect in time that will get better, too.

We're in this together, my friend. (((((((((( hugs ))))))))))

That was then, this is now. He is not the same person. Simple, and excruciatingly hard, as that. Hard to see the guy that would put me first, honor me, and his daughter to someone that has done deplorable and evil things to me and his kids. That was then, this is now. (Repeating to myself as often as needed!) :)

Hang in there, Forourgirls. Like others have said, it does get better.

I had a wonderful 20 year marriage to a lovely woman who had _no_ addiction or dysfunction. She was as "normal" as a person can get. Then she became terribly ill, spent 2 years in a world of pain. I'll skip the long story, short version is when the docs got it under control she went into complete remission. Totally back to normal. Except she liked the pain pills. A lot.

She changed, became an addict and our marriage went down the sewer.

I had to deal with all the grief of losing who she used to be, along with trying to accept who she had become. Those first few months were just awfull. I had the exact same reaction to "happy memories" that you describe. It hurt something wicked. At one of my al-anon meetings they actually had to buy extra kleenex just for me :(

Time, and working my program, slowly healed those "emotional injuries". Today I actually smile when I remember how amazingly good the good times were. I am sad for the bad times, and for her, but I am no longer overwhelmed the way I used to be.

My sponsor told me, back then, that the more I cried _today_ the less I would cry tomorrow. He was right. Letting it all out was the best healing.

Mike :)

:grouphug:

I'm so so sorry :( Those memories and nostalgia of the good times are painful. I've been there too. It rips your heart out seeing what was, what could have been if not for alcohol/addiction. I adore the advice given by seriouskarma.

My husband used to be a loving, kind, hard-working, involved father. Now I look at him, all glassy-eyed and dazed out and feel like I'm in a zombie thriller movie where my husband got inflicted but I managed to escape.

Hang in there For... We are right here with you!
(((Hug)))
Ro

Mike hit it on the head--

Just tonight we made "peirogies" for dinner for the first time ever, and I remembered the first time I tried them back in college with my XAH (at the time, my sweet endearing world-full-of-promises boyfriend). That was one of the best summers of my life, living on campus and riding bikes together all over town. I shared the story with my boys and told them how dad introduced me to peirogies. I was glad for their smiles and interest at the dad that once was.

Do I ever want to speak to dad again? No way. But the memories of the good times have grown fond--maybe a little wistful for what I couldn't have with him--but not cry-worthy anymore. They're just part of the tapestry of my life.

Trust me, it WILL get better. I wondered if I'd ever be able to speak fondly and casually of the past with their dad.

You're still being hammered with all of the negative memories too--some still surfacing as you're emerging from it all...and you're in exactly the right spot, as horrible as that sounds.

Sending you warmest hugs tonight.
And extra prayers.

Thank you, friends. Praying-hearing that I'm in exactly the right place somehow makes it ok-you know? Got to go through hell to see the other side. Thanks y'all.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

Yep! Every so often we'll hear this referred to a grieving process.

That's exactly what it is.

Always made me think of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I totally understand how hard it is. My XAH never made me feel safe, but there were good memories and fun times and 26 years. And sometimes it's a struggle for me to remember how hard it was being married to someone who was completely closed off from the world and emotionally detached. But when I finally sit and meditate and pray about it I am more peaceful. He can never give me what I deserve (love, respect, communication, truth) and what I am worth. It's not about what I want, it's about what I deserve. And then I think to myself, "Damn straight! I'm worth so much more." Hugs to you. Hugs to me. Hugs to all of us who go through the pain and hurt from being married at one time to an alcoholic.

I get it...I waffle everyday between missing him all the way through my soul, to hating him for all that he has done.
I hope that everyone here is right that it will get better.
Hugs to you.

^ it will! It will. Living in the grey-not black and white-this is where the growth happens. All of it.

((((HUGS))))
I feel ya! It can be so gut-wrenching!
But you're doing great!
Great advice above from all.
I hope you have a nice weekend with your girls. I'll be thinking of you :)

A friend reminded me that any "man" that's not willing to stand up to his mommy verbally abusing his wife and feels entitled to abuse his wife and kids is Not husnand material. Duh. Why I put up with it for so long? That's my work-and never again. Looking forward, not back-back was hell. Forward will be peace-he can have his mommy-I hope they have a nice long life together with all of his demons. Not sad anymore. My ex is not a good person, and I'm glad I'm gone. He was a good guy, but no more.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ign=newsletter

Love vs alcohol

I was very moved by this, it rings true for me.

Hey all, powerful stuff in this thread. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it was ALL bad but that's just not how the situation shakes out.

Deserteyes, that's a heartbreaking story >>> "It hurt something wicked. At one of my al-anon meetings they actually had to buy extra kleenex just for me ". This sounded so familiar that I actually laughed in recognition when I read it. I remember crying even in my sleep. I was pretty young at the time and actually thought people died before experiencing the level of pain I felt.

God bless you Forourgirls and anyone else going through this psychedelic, glow-in-the-dark pain. It does get better but until it does great-god-almighty it hurts.