Another question
 

Sorry for the gazillion posts... just don't have a lot of people in person here who get this and don't really know what to do about this scenario...

xAH "technically" per the parenting plan has one day each weekend with the kids as well as an overnight. He does not exercise this.

I have let the court know. They aren't going to take away his parenting "right" just bc he skips it. Lovely moronic family court system here...

Anyway, my issue is this: for the ENTIRETY of the time that this was being dragged out in court I would hold his time sacred, the kids would have to turn down plans with friends and it was/is incredibly frustrating and upsetting for them... Any plans they wanted to keep with friends had to be on "my" time and he would refuse to allow them to participate with friends on his time.

Further complicating this, is the fact that parents of the kids friends do NOT want their kids around xAH so if events occur on "his" time, the understanding is that I can take them to the events but no one wants xAH around their kids. And I do not blame them.

So, now that the court nonsense is over and now that DD10 is starting to feel like she wants to make her own choices, I guess I am wondering if I can let the kids decide what they do on weekends?

Can they make the choice to go to a friends get together vs. sitting around waiting to see if "dad" shows up?

I feel like that is totally reasonable, and that I can very matter of factly notify xAH of this...

Wondered what you all thought?

What if you scheduled friend stuff on other days and made dad's day a "family day" where YOU plan fun stuff to do and connect with your kids? Then you aren't waiting around for disappointment, but not circumventing the plan either.

I get it though-- kid stuff happens on the weekends and they'd like to do it. During the short time my kids saw their dad every other weekend (pre divorce), he got mad when they had things they wanted to do, as if life goes on hold for "his time".

I personally would maybe blend the two approaches--plan good family stuff with them (that could be aborted if necessary) on his days, and let them do some things with friends too.

One approach might be to send him a message saying- "A friend has asked DD10 over on Saturday. Please confirm if you plan to see her Saturday. If I don't hear from you by Thursday at 6pm I will allow her to go." (I actually don't like that approach--it's asking for him to make trouble because he may wait and then cause a scene. That's meant for reasonable adults.)

I'd actually tell DD10 (and her friends), yes, assuming she doesn't end up with plans with her father, she's free to come. And don't tell him. In many cases that type of response works and she could back out if necessary. And he wouldn't need to know there were plans.

Argh!!!! This type of garbage frustrates me so much!!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm "lucky" that my kids' dad abandoned them...

Thanks Praying-- all good thoughts! I appreciate it all!

Their dad has "abandoned" them but pretends most weekends that he will come, causes them to miss plans, hopes for a rise from me (does not get it) and still does not show.

Friends and their parents are sick and tired of my never being able to commit and when I can, I do plan the friend stuff on "my" days but when it's an event being scheduled by other kids I can't do much about it...

DD10 is really feeling the impact as she is not really invited as often to stuff anymore bc we are the "can't ever predictably commit" family...

And it pisses me off beyond belief...

It's just an extension of his abuser control games... He can only get at me by hurting the kids, so he does...

I'm with Praying. I'd simply let them make plans, and if by chance he decides to exercise his "right" then you can cancel the plans, just as you would if the kids got sick or something. Stuff happens. You wouldn't even need to tell people WHY you have to cancel, you could just say an "important family matter" came up. If he's as truly disinterested as he seems to be, I doubt you will have to cancel very often.

I agree with Lexie.

I finally just opened up to my DD's friends moms, but I know them really well. I told them that my XAH is an alcoholic, that there will be times she can come to things, and times she cannot. They are all good and truly very understanding.

There is a blurb in our divorce decree that the parents are to encourage participation in social events, and may not cause the child to miss out on those, however, the definition of the social even is not mentioned.

Hugs to you!