Had a bit of a meltdown last night
 

So it has been over five months since I moved out. Overall, I am doing very well. Part of the reason for that is the fact that STBXAH worked out of town for one of the last two years we were together. I was able to do a certain amount of grieving for the relationship for many months before I ever even moved out. That said, I have come to appreciate that there are just some things that require the time, space, and distance of separate residences before I can really work through. I also know that I will be working through some of the aftermath of the emotional abuse for YEARS. I am not expecting perfection from myself during recovery.

Last night was Tuesday, which is usually my evening to hang out with my new gentleman friend. Our time together is very laid back and low-pressure. He is exceedingly kind to me, and easy to talk to and be around. He is aware, in general terms, that there was some pretty awful emotional abuse in my marriage. I have not talked much at all about specific incidents with him, and he has never pushed me to talk about anything.

For some reason, I was just having a hard time yesterday. Nothing really triggered it that I can identify. STBXAH and I hadn't really had any unusual contact. There had not been a fight, or even an episode of him trying to be extra nice. But I was sitting next to my new friend (not talking--just being), and I was just overwhelmed by memories of some of the truly abusive and hurtful things that STBXAH said and did to me over the years. And ugh...I started to cry a little. It wasn't the full-on ugly cry, but I was totally in tears. My friend was, as usual, very kind and comforting. He did not minimize my feeling of upset. He knew that my reaction had nothing to do with him. He was just THERE, and I was able to settle down fairly quickly and regain my composure. And another sign that I've made a lot of progress? I was only minimally embarrassed by the whole thing. I allowed myself to feel the feelings, I was able to identify and explain where they were coming from, without feeling obligated to go into all the gory details to attempt to justify my feelings (I did that a lot with STBXAH, because I always felt like my feelings on their own were never enough--he would minimize them and make fun of me for feeling a certain way, so of course I would try to explain explain explain to get him to "understand," which he was incapable of doing anyway).

So it was hard, and sad, but also really meaningful for me. This is really the first person outside of my recovery circle of friends that I've been comfortable enough with to show some raw emotions about what happened, and not have total fear that I will be made fun of, or rejected, or whatever. My recovery makes me feel a little braver every day. About who I am, what I've been through, how I contributed to it, and how I will not allow that crap to define me.

Wisconsin, I think it's just breathtaking that you felt safe enough to honor your feelings at that time, with that person.

I think you are doing great! Don't be hard on yourself... I have a feeling emotions will come and go for a while. Lucky for you that you found a nice MAN that you can feel comfortable around!

Thank you, SK (I thought of you last weekend when we were down in Chicago for dinner and a show!). I didn't really realize that I had felt that way about the whole thing until later when I was driving home. Then I was just thinking to myself "Holy cow, it has been YEARS since I have felt safe enough to show my feelings to a non-recovery friend."

Just sending a hug--your new friend sounds like a pretty awesome guy.

He really is. And we are taking things veeeeerrrrryyyyyy slowly. There is absolutely a small part of me that still waits for the other shoe to drop, and some devastating character flaw to be revealed. But as time goes by, I worry about that less and less.

Ooh I hope you saw something wonderful while you were here!

Good for you, W. Love this!!

Sounds like a real growing experience no matter uncomfortable it was. ((((((Hugs)))))))) I know that feeling of being surprised by your own emotions & it can be a bit shocking.

But really, sounds like you HANDLED it.
:c011: :You_Rock_

Blame it on Mercury ending it's retrograde.... that's where I'm shifting the blame for unexplainable things that have happened recently. ;)

We had delicious sushi in the south loop, and then went to a heavy metal show. We had a wonderful time--I had not been on a legit date night in years.

There are some things I miss about living in Chicago, but I have grown to love Milwaukee very much. And Chicago is still close enough to enjoy on a regular basis.

(((Wisconsin))) This makes me SO happy to hear. Cheers!! (inappropriate here, I know), but CHEERS anyway - to your health, peace and happiness!

Your story is my little ray of hope. Yay for new friends and taking things slow. Yay for normalcy. Yay for sushi (JMO lol). Happy for you!!!

Good for you my friend. You have come a long, long way in your own recovery!

HH, I'm so glad my story gives you hope. Five years ago, STBXAH and I had an infant son (plus my daughters from my first marriage), and I was being emotionally abused just as his relapse was escalating to a place where I had to acknowledge it was actually a relapse. I had already become a person I couldn't recognize...begging my abusive husband not to leave me, after I discovered evidence he had "made a female friend in a bar" while working out of town, and he turned the whole thing around on me. I do not even recognize the person I was back then.

Much love to you, HH. :grouphug:

W-wow. Yep. I turned into someone I didn't recognize either-I too would beg (and do other things I'm not proud of) my abusjve husband not to leave me after he would abuse me-and then he would call me crazy. I was-to stay with him and trust him as my husband and the father to our kids. My self esteem was in the gutter. We will get through this-and Wisconsin, you're a shining example of recovery in action. Kudos!!

So, there are things here I relate to.
One: starting to grieve the relationship before it's technically/practically over. Check.
Two: Emotions popping up when you don't expect them to. Check.

The way I think about it, when you've lived under emotional abuse, you are so used to second-guessing your own perceptions and stuffing your own emotions that it takes time before you start feeling your feelings again, and before you start trusting your perceptions again.

I'm so very happy that there is a person in your life that you feel comfortable enough with to start letting those feelings out.