Talking to the kids
 

I am in the process of divorcing/coparenting with an active alcoholic. Long, long story short - our temporary custody agreement is that he agrees to monitored sobriety and loses parenting rights if he fails. Looks like he is withholding (because he is excellent at finding the loophole) some test results. He had missed a breathalyzer, swore he wasn't drinking, so I gave him the chance to show me in an ETG test. That was two weeks ago. I have now given him until end of day today to produce those results or he is noncompliant.

My kids (ages 7 and 11) have not been told about his addiction and that conversation is quickly approaching. My son (11yo) is very anxious and I want to present this in a way that empowers him and doesn't overly scare him. Suggestions? Books or articles you found helpful?

Part of me is so overly ready for this conversation and another part wants nothing to do with it. Thanks for any advice on what to say or what not to say.

My parenting agreement says that if my xAH fails OR refuses a test, he doesn't have parenting time that visit day...

That was an important "loophole" for me (which my own lawyer at the time didn't even catch) to demand be included bc clearly if he refuses to take a test or produce results, it's bc he's not sober.

I would not give him any wiggle room. Make it so that he has to produce results promptly after they are taken or parenting doesn't occur. Period.

I did the "Ill give you the chance" thing and got burned each time...

His skipping the breathalyzer is as good as failing one...

Sorry, I did not actually answer the question you asked...

My kids knew a lot wasnt right long before their therapist spoke to them (with me present) about his addiction(s).

My kids are 10 and 7 and my 10 yr old has been anxious, like your 11 yr olds for a long time...

I don't have any magic words or books I found helpful, but a good child's therapist was very helpful to me with helping my kids deal with their dads craziness...

If possible, try to get the kids to an Alateen meeting. Despite the name, many areas don't have a lower age limit for the kids attending. With my 6 yo son I used the "disease model" to explain his dad's alcoholism, which worked pretty well. He was putting the blame on himself for his dad's rages and other behavior, so it gave him an explanation that he could understand and he quit blaming himself for "making daddy mad" and stuff like that.

he is withholding...
 

...and always will until he no longer gets second chances. On behalf of your kids, stop giving them. You can't give an alcoholic a door in-- they will ALWAYS open it.

C-

My best suggestion is just giving them honesty (in age-appropriate talk) & being prepared for it to be many, MANY conversations.... not just one. I've always found that DD needed time to think & marinate on the things we talked about, and that it always left her with more questions later. It was important that she understood I truly meant it when I said that I had an open door policy for her to ask anything. Sometimes the only answer I had was, "I need some time to think about that really great question you just asked..." and then I made sure I DID get back to her, and not just brush it off.

I also had to remind her that me being honest meant that sometimes that answer really WAS "I don't know". Not because I'm trying to avoid, but because I was navigating new waters too & didn't always know the way myself. I could promise to come back to her when I had it more figured out, lol. I also showed her that I didn't always have my crap together in all of this either -that it took me off guard at times & it was normal for her to feel that way too.

We talk about addiction as a whole, not just related to RAH & alcohol. We talk about drugs, gambling, sex, food - any kind of numbing behavior that can be used to hide or filter emotions. We also talk as openly about recovery & how so many people are affected more than we can see on the surface of what we know - I can't tell you how many times DD has been able to be there for other kids at school or in a club, when crisis occurs in their worlds, just by listening & letting them know that they aren't alone. :grouphug: