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Old 01-30-2016, 06:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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saying "no" to an alcoholic narcissist (divorce)


It's been 2.5 months since I left my AH. (What's the acronym for AH-Who-Can't-Be-X-Soon-Enough?) We're trying to use mediation to reach a divorce settlement, which seems to be working okay except for on the issue of sobriety monitoring. Surprise--my AH wants none of it. I, however, refuse joint custody of our 3 children unless he agrees to it, so it looks like we're going to court, at least on that issue.

As my saga continues, I want to say thank you to all of the people here who chime in with their experiences, past and present. I've been doing a lot of reading and finding your insights so helpful in validating my feelings and giving me the strength to do what I need to to.

For others in similar situations, I wanted to re-post a priceless suggestion from ShootingStar1, from last September, I think, on dealing with a narcissist. She wrote:

"Say what you want, and just don't budge. "No." is a complete sentence. To be followed by a very very long pause that eventually he won't be able to resist filling. Then "No." again. Then after the tantrum, walk out. No sense wasting lawyer fees when he is just spewing nonsense."

So true, and just what I needed to have clear in my head today. Thanks, ShootingStar1.
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Old 01-30-2016, 06:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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^ yep! You got it. NO is a complete sentence. My ex was the same-I heard he was kicking and screaming about sobriety monitoring. Thank God almighty it was included in our decree. Remember, someone that is NOT an alcoholic would never fuss about sobriety monitoring - only alcoholics do. Have been thinking about you-please keep us updated. Praying for your court date, friend
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Old 01-30-2016, 07:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks, ForOurGirls. I appreciate the kind thoughts beamed my way, and boy am I going to need the support in court.

Yes--both our mediator and the co-parenting therapist to whom he sent us told my AH that it was to his advantage to agree to sobriety monitoring rather than going before a judge.

Instead, it looks like we're going to court where H's alcoholism becomes a matter of public record (right?), and he's likely not to get any unsupervised custody.

So revealing how my AH tried to turn it around, claiming that I should trust him (implicitly, I guess, based on the fact that no one has yet been grievously physically harmed), and that I am the one being uncooperative.

I guess he has a point: I refuse to budge when the issue concerns our children's safety, and I'm sure if the cards were reversed and he were of sound mind, he would do the same.
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Old 01-30-2016, 07:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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A good parent doesn't budge when it concerns their child's safety. Period. End of story. Btw, he is not of sound mind, but you already know that. He's arrogant-that's a classic trait of an alcoholic or abuser. It will most likely bite him in the arse, but that too is not your problem. Wishing you peace tonight!
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Old 01-30-2016, 08:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Update: now AH is repeatedly calling me, and I'm feeling scared. I'm not picking up and not listening to his messages, and I'm glad my door has double locks. This is the downside of saying 'no' to someone who is used to getting his way. The tantrum could get ugly. I'll be sleeping with my cell phone just in case.
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Old 01-30-2016, 09:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The best thing I ever did was to stop responding to crazy. Keep it up and eventually he will get bored. N's hate to be held accountable, but you have no choice anyway. I fought for supervised visits for 3 years, pm me anytime. Everyone told my ex to take the monitoring device and mine chose to drink and not get caught than to have unsupervised time. It sounds like your ex is on the same path. Someone told me once that asking an alcoholic to stop drinking is to someone asking you to cut off your arm. They believe they are fighting for what is their right. We will never understand and they will never understand unless they stop drinking. Good luck I hope you get some rest.
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You are doing the right thing
both to protect your children and in dealing with your ex

Stay strong and forward the messages to the lawyer.
They might be useful in court.

Please check in today and let us know you're OK.
You sounded a bit worried last night. . .
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"There's almost as many terms and gradations for drinkers like us as there are stars in the sky.

All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


--Dee
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks, Hawkeye and ReadReadRead. Yes, I was scared last night. But his message, when I finally listened to it, was rational--just that he wants to talk to me. And he didn't show up at the door, thank goodness.

Today he's continuing to call, and I'm not picking up. Tomorrow morning I meet with my (new) attorney, who has experience in these situations. The RA attorney that I thought I was going to retain acknowledged that she's not a fighter, but she was able to refer me to someone who will go to bat for me and my children.

My AH isn't usually violent unless he's been drinking. My guess is that right now he's decided to get sober (again), so other than the nuisance of needing to fend off further circular discussions, I should be okay.
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Ha-again, read my threads...my ex decided to get "sober" plenty of times. Uh huh.
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Old 01-31-2016, 05:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Just my opinion, but I would not talk to him or especially not meet him without a lawyer present.

Their only other card is charm, which is often a very thin layer over their rage at not being engaged with.

Be safe...
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Old 01-31-2016, 05:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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^ cannot echo that enough-SO true. I've witnessed it. I've seen the fake charm, lovey dovey kisses and niceties throw my way-all covering a simmering pot of rage. Which naturalky erupted when I told him, NO. Please be safe.
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