piper723

For Christmas, my husband of 6 years wrote me the sweetest note … he told me how much he loves me, how grateful he was that we stuck it out through the (many) rough times, and that we should start planning for a baby. There is not a word strong enough to describe how much his words meant to me.

Two weeks later he became enraged over a dirty bowl in the sink, smashed it on the ground, moved out and is moving to a different state in 3 months. Gone. Not a trace of him left in our home (ok, I did just find two pairs of boxers and a few pairs of socks so I guess not everything is gone). He, once again, made an impulsive decision using his standard black and white thought process.

My husband is an alcoholic. He drinks 700 ML of Vodka along with 6+ beers EVERYDAY – NO EXCEPTIONS. He’s 37 and he is very sick.

Cunning, baffling, powerful – oh yes, it is. My husband … the man I married until death do us part, the man I love with all my heart, the man who has so much potential, so much to give … is killing himself.

The demon is strong and dangerous. It captures our loved ones … it takes over their heart, mind, body and soul and drags them down further and further ... if we're not careful, it will drag us down too! It turns our loved ones into someone we don't know anymore. For me, he was abusive, angry, distant, selfish, self-centered and more. The demon wants to kill him.

For 6 years I stayed by his side - small amount of time for some, much longer than others. I thought MY love was going to be different. I thought MY love was going to be enough for him to finally surrender. It's funny how you KNOW that no amount of love is going to save him, yet we still try.

But he left – the demon won, for now. I want to be mad, I want to hate him, I want to scream and yell and tear him down like he tore me down for 6 years … but I can’t. I CHOOSE compassion, I CHOOSE empathy (not to be confused with sympathy) and I CHOOSE to PRAY for him … a lot.

For the first time in a long time, I feel mostly at peace. Not because the abuse is gone, not because the egg shells are cleaned up, not because I can actually think without craziness all around me …. I feel at peace because I know he is right where he needs to be … No one caring for his daily needs, no one there to take his anger out on. Just him ... drowning in his own thoughts, all ALONE. He gifted me by leaving and I’m gifting him by staying away.

Sometimes we hold on so tight and love so much that we end up hurting the person we think we’re helping. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let them be … to let go and let God. Tough lesson to learn, but so, so true. This does not mean that I'm giving up HOPE, as giving up hope should never come. Hope, faith, love and prayer should always be with you, and in you, no matter what. I'm just stopping all of the efforts I made to help him and control the situation.

GOD IS WHO HE NEEDS. I pray that he finds the strength to hit his knees and surrender his heart, mind, body and soul to Him ... before it's too late.

I DO MISS MY HUSBAND - but I miss the one I rarely got to see, not the one I spent most of my time with. I mourn the marriage that could have been, not the one that was. I miss his hugs, even if they were mostly initiated by me. I miss his smile, that I rarely saw anymore. I miss his laugh, even though it was usually reserved for those that didn't know his secret. I miss seeing his tattoos as he lay sleeping at night ... weird, I know.

BUT NOW? Now it's time for me to remember who I was - to become her once again! To heal the hurt, to gain back my strength and confidence. To stop hiding and start living. To be the woman that God intended me to be.

MAY YOU ALL BE BLESSED WITH SOMETHING TODAY. I know it's difficult to see blessings when your heart is breaking, your world is falling apart and life just seems super hard and unfair. BUT, if you look, you can find SOMETHING. For me, it's my teen daughter who at this point in life actually still likes me (which might count as a miracle, not a blessing) and my FOUR crazy dogs, one of which finds it necessary to poop on my carpet everyday (I'm convinced she thinks it's funny).

With much love,
Piper723

FindingAmy

Wow, that was so beautifully said and hit so many chords with me. This...

"He gifted me by leaving and I’m gifting him by staying away. " That is such a great line and went into my journal today. Thank you for that.

And this...
"I miss the one I rarely got to see, not the one I spent most of my time with. I mourn the marriage that could have been, not the one that was. I miss his hugs, even if they were mostly initiated by me. I miss his smile, that I rarely saw anymore. I miss his laugh, even though it was usually reserved for those that didn't know his secret. "

What I realized at the end of my 26 year marriage that what I miss is the illusion of what could've been but never was. It took me quite a while to realize what I thought I was going to miss was never there in the first place. The mind is an amazing thing sometimes, really believing what it wants to believe. Also, every hug was initiated by me (and in the end was followed by him telling me that my hugs made him shudder, nice, huh?). I just kept on trying to create something that just wasn't there and he was incapable of giving me. And his smile and his laugh also were showered upon those that didn't know him as I did.

You words were so eloquently written and so relatable. I needed that today and thank you for your post. Each day I am realizing more and more that I am so wonderfully worthy of love and respect and I finally stopped going to the hardware store for bread.

Zircon

Hi,
I have never responded to a post. This is my first time.
I can so relate to your words.
I have been married to my ah for 10 yrs, together 12. I filed for divorce. My heart is breaking.
I miss the man I used to know. My ah is no longer that man. He is abusive, angry, and doesn't love me anymore. He can't remember the wonderful years we had, just feels I am questioning his alcohol use, and no one has a right to do that.
I could go on and on, but my story is the same as everyone elses. I tried so hard to support him, but it was never enough, and my ah blames me for every bad thing that is happening now. My ah says I'm the crazy one!!!
Your post really hit home for me. I'm very sorry for your situation and pain. I can truely say, I know how you're feeling.
I'm am moving out of our house. My ah doesn't have enough respect for me to go.
Please continue to post.
You made my day. You really helped me, your words are giving me the strength I need, to do what I need to today.
Thank you again for your post.

Quish16

Can relate to so very much of what you have put. You have a great deal of compassion and also empathy and understanding of this terrible disease, and yes, I think eventually it does become a disease. You also seem to understand the Jeckyl and Hyde ..........I too try to find joy in every day - for me it is my beloved cats and I have been very lucky with my friends.
Take care of yourself - you sound a very special person.

Turtle76

I just want to send you a hug and say what you wrote is beautiful, not only in what you said, but the way you said it. Much love to you.

Refiner

My dogs are my joys, too! Anyway, you are really thinking about what he "needs" in the right place and at least he's sparing you. And I'm not trivializing his alcohol intake... that's a LOT. But it does sound like something else could be going on like bi-polar or something. Should he be on medications for something he's been diagnosed with?

maia1234

Piper,
What you wrote is amazing. I believe it should be a stickie!!! This was so heartfelt and every wife/husband/Girlfriend/boyfriend and significant other relates to your post.

Yes, he did gift you by moving out and forcing you to realize that you are entitled to a peaceful home, with him or without him.That was a gift.

Now back to reality, it is very hard to get rid of an A, so what is your plan. Do you have a plan B, when and if he wants to return. I know this does sound crazy but 2 weeks is not long and I am sure he will come calling again. If he does what are your boundaries? These are things that you have to prepare for now, before they happen. Put them on paper what YOU want from this marriage.

If you come back you need to go to rehab by such date.....
If you don't go to rehab I will be leaving......
I will give you by such and such date, I will be meeting with an attorney about separating or filing for divorce......

These are the things that you want to think about and plan for, your rules. Then YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH WITH EVERYTHING YOU THREATEN. This is the only way you will be able to move forward. So if you are not strong enough to execute something, do not say it.

Hugs my friend, take this time and figure out what YOU want!!!

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Classic Reading".

Mike

Redheadsusie

Wow! What a heartfelt post and you write so well! I am so sorry for your pain I understand how you feel and I send you love and peace and strength! I am barely getting through the days myself but am looking forward and trying to remember who I was before AH as well! Best of luck to you! You've got this!

Cornburglar

Hi. I am the husband who is hoping his wife can get to where you were with your husband. I would give anything for my wife to be willing to accept me back. I've been out of the house for 5 days and it's killing me inside. I have started AA and I am at bottom. I surrender to alcoholism. I will follow the rules.

She's just really pissed. Does that go away? Does time truly heal all wounds?

Rob

piper723

So – a little back story to how I got where I am today:

This is not the first time my husband left – he made another very impulsive/black and white decision to leave 4 years ago. I was devastated – that’s probably too mild of a word to be honest. So what did I do? **I** did everything possible to be the person I thought HE needed ME to be. I begged and pleaded … acted like a complete fool who apparently NEEDED this alcoholic in her life to abuse her, put her down, treat her like crap and so on. Not one, and I mean not one, friend of mine wanted us to get back together - they hated the way he treated me. They would tell me I was a shell of the person I used to be. I purchased every book I could find on alcoholism and read, read, read. I figured if I knew what he was experiencing and feeling (impossible, btw) I would be able to help not only myself, but him as well! The problem was … I was reading the words, but I wasn’t listening to what they were telling me. I had so many a-ha moments reading all those books, yet I CHOSE to ignore them because all I wanted was my husband back. I did get him back, if you call it that. We saw each other off and on for about 7 months and then he dumped me again. And again **I** did everything I could think of to get him back. Then finally one day I just said – ENOUGH! I was done. My pathetic attempts to get him back HAD to stop.

It took probably 3 weeks of me going ‘no contact’ for him to start calling and saying he realized just how bad off he was and that he wanted me in his life. Although reluctant, we started seeing each other again. He was affectionate, took me on dates, said he wanted to read the BIBLE with me as often as possible ... it even appeared to me that he was cutting back on his drinking. We stayed separated for another year before we talked about moving back in together. He PROMISED me that he was going to cut back on his drinking and even work on getting sober. AFTER ALL I READ … I BELIEVED HIM!

For the first few months under the same roof, things went “well”. Then the drinking ramped up, the verbal assaults started again, his TONE was harsh (gosh, I hated his tone!), nothing I ever did was good enough, we always did what HE wanted to do, etc. Fun for him was ordering a pizza, playing games on his gaming thingy (PS3?) and drinking. Fun for me was … nothing. I was miserable. I KNEW in my heart that the situation I was in was NOT GOOD. I was depressed, getting chubby, had no energy. My daughter started living in her room with her door shut. I started living in my bedroom doing anything I could do to keep my mind busy.

It was around this time that I started, though probably not very well, to put into action some of the things that I had read back when we separated. If he argued with me, I would walk away or not argue back (which would make him even madder), I would try not to be his problem solver, I stopped being a helicopter mom … oops, I mean wife.

November of last year his mom passed away – I thought he would spiral out of control then, but we actually became closer for a little while. He kept saying how surprised he was that he “handled her death so well”. I imagine now that he was probably just drinking more rather than handling it well. Then in June of this past year, he hurt his back – slipped disk. He ended up having surgery and was out of work for 2+ months. He started drinking earlier and earlier, was drunk by the time I got home from work at 5 and was more abusive than I ever imagined he could be – sadly, I actually purchased his alcohol for him during this time since he couldn’t drive – in all reality, I was too scared to say no for fear that he would get mad at me, or worse … leave me.

Once he was able to go back to work, I started to notice more changes … he was cooking less and less (dinner was one of the only things he was responsible for and that’s because nothing I made ever tasted good). He started having debilitating panic attacks - so bad that he couldn’t drive. I noticed his hands shaking in the morning, he had diarrhea and was puking every day, he was starting to have blackouts and he would tell me the same things over and over again – when I would remind him that he told me already, he would look at me completely puzzled. He told me his fingers and toes were tingly (he blamed that on the slipped disk – eye roll). I knew he was sicker than he has ever been, and he knew it too – I think there were things going on in his body that he didn’t even tell me. He finally made an appointment (on his own) with a new doctor. He said he told her what he drank and how much. She put him on Paxil and Klonopin (from what I understand it can be highly addictive, however, I don’t think he abused it). The doctor told him she would NOT refill the scripts unless he went to a psychiatrist for his anxiety and AA for his drinking; neither of which he did – yet somehow he manipulated her into filling those scripts two more times! Then he just stopped seeing her.

While he was on the Paxil and Klonopin, he actually became so much nicer. He was affectionate again, his words and tone weren’t harsh, he was doing nice things, helping out more … even my daughter said how nice he was being. BUT, he said the Paxil made him want to drink more and boy did he! MY Doctor was SHOCKED that his doctor put him on Paxil stating that for every one drink he had, he would react as if he had two … and that’s exactly what I saw – an even drunker husband.

Early to mid-December, he stopped taking the Paxil … I noticed he was getting moodier, but was still being nicer than before (I even encouraged him a few times to start taking the Paxil again and go back to the doctor to no avail). After Christmas, after that loving note, it all changed. He was moody, started isolating himself, drinking more and more, going to the bar again (because their food was simply divine …), started drinking even earlier (like 10AM … if not before) and was extremely abusive … he was also becoming sexually demanding (I even woke up one night to him on top of me telling me he was going to rape me … huh?). Who in the hell was this person? Then came the night of him shattering the bowl and him leaving …

For the first few days I was incredibly sad … started to have those same feelings as I did the other time he left … what can **I** do to make him come back. But then I spent one day alone … just thinking. I forced myself to do some deep soul-searching. I pulled some of the books on alcoholism that I had previously read and re-read through the all the things that I had highlighted, starred, underlined and circled … and something just clicked inside of me - all of the words that I had only heard before, actually sunk in. It was weird … but my entire thought process literally switched like a light being turned on. I had that “when you’re done, you’re done” moment I heard so many times before. I finally realized that no matter what I did, I could NOT change who he was – I could NOT change HIS situation, I could NOT do it FOR him. I was NOT to blame for his drinking, I was NOT the reason he drank and I was NOT going to take his abuse anymore.

Everyone, including him, has a CHOICE as to what their next minute looks like (well, I guess not everyone, but you get the point). I could be disappointed, angry and hateful … but for what? In all honesty, those feelings are probably in him every second of the day. So I chose compassion, empathy and prayer. I still cry, I still get angry, I still even sometimes wish he would come back, but at the end of the day I deserve more and so does he. I love him and I want to believe he loves me, but we both deserve more. Together, we were sucking the life out of one another – separately I’m hoping we will both find life again.


IN RESPONSE TO THOSE THAT RESPONDED TO MY POST:

FindingAmy / Zircon / Quish16 / Turtle76 / Refiner / Redheadsusie – love, peace and hugs to each of you! You are all in my prayers!

Refiner: Yes, it is a lot. Breaks my heart. And YES, I definitely think there is something else going on ... BP, BPD ...something!

DesertEyes / Mike – I’m honored. THANK YOU!

Maia1234 – Ah, yes … reality! You pose a VERY GOOD question, one that has to be considered! You are right in that Alcoholics do tend to return to who and what they are comfortable with, especially when that person enabled them in the past! I don’t think he will be coming back – I think he will run (something he is really good at!) to be with his family in the other state – where they will sadly enable him even more than I did (I have tried to talk with them, but they are a “hands off/mind your own business kind of family).

Anyway, IF he did contact me, MY boundaries would be:
1) He’s not welcome back in my home until the below is successfully completed. This is a home, not an insane asylum.

2) 90-day, minimum, in-patient rehab (in my opinion, he will HAVE TO go through detox first).
3) 1-year sobriety after rehab, while actively participating in program … AA or something similar.
4) Attend Counseling – TOGETHER and SEPARATELY.
5) We can start DATING after he has been sober for the above timeframe, stays active in a program and attends counseling as often, and as long, as it is needed.
6) Beyond that, only time will tell. Who knows where **I** will be by that time.

Those are just my boundaries – HE will CHOOSE whatever path he wants to take for HIS life. If he wants ME back, then the above are not just suggestions, they are a must. He can take it or leave it.

ALL – Please feel free to add what YOUR boundaries would be! I would love to hear them!

Cornburglar/Rob:

I am the wife who is hoping my husband will one day get to where you are.

Congratulations on starting AA. THAT IS HUGE. It’s not easy to walk into a room full of people you don’t know, even if you know they know what you’re going through.

My advice would be to attend often, read, listen, absorb and share! DO the work. DON’T skip any of the steps – they are there for a reason. Find a Sponsor you feel you can trust and listen to everything they have to say – don’t minimize anything they tell you to do or the advice that they give you - they are a Sponsor for a reason. Place the numbers of other AA members that you have probably already been given in a place that you can find them quickly. If you feel yourself slipping, call one or all of them if you need to! They give you their number because they have been where you are!

As far as your wife … I read your starter thread – 16 years is a long time. Understand that your wife has been through a lot. You will both need time to heal and adjust. You cannot expect her to dismiss her feelings in 5 days just because you finally decided that you wanted help … you will have to SHOW her the changes that you are making and that you are in it for the long-haul … not just to get her back only to fall back to your old ways. If she wants space, respect that. I think the big thing for her (as I know it would be for me) would be TRUST. You will have to EARN her trust again (in my opinion).

PRAY – everyday. Pray for the strength to just get through the next 10 minutes if you have to. Pray for your wife and kids too – they need strength and guidance just as much as you do.

You , your wife and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers Rob. If you have the time, I would appreciate your payers as well – not only for me, but for my husband as well.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Cornburglar

Thank you for the response. And you can count on my prayers. My HP is my grandmother who passed away almost 10 years ago and the reason I mention that is somewhat significant, although I'm not sure really how significant it really is. My isms didn't start to flourish and really create a personality change until around that time. Prior to that, I was drinking, I was embarrassing. But I had my personality. I didn't lie. I didn't have the significant character defects that I progressively developed culminating in the bus ride through hell that the last 2 years have been. Not that this information excuses one drop of any of the behavior I have made a part of her life, but in that 10 year, there were many, many good times and not too much of a concern for me and my drinking. I had my childhood demons, which are significant and I had my resentments and my irritability, discomfort and discontent, but they were managed somewhat. Until my mother (who I had a VERY strained "relationship," with. In fact, she's high on my list of resented people) died at 52 in 2006. She was mentally ill (always had been) and significantly obese (which gave her type II diabetes, resulted in an amputated leg and a case of MRSA that just would never go away. She died of heart failure. It was weird because there was such a sense of relief and really not a ton of mourning on my part. I know that makes me sound like a monster but the woman's mental illness and other behaviors pretty much tortured me from the time I was a child and I was severely neglected from the age of 2 to about 10 while she "got her **** together." This is a woman who allowed me (meaning she coaxed me to do this) to smoke pot at 4 years old to see what it would be like to get a kid high. So, yeah, there wasn't a ton of good memories there and this explains a lot about my isms. Her death was a head - F because I felt guilty for not feeling sad. More significant was the death of my beloved MeeMaw the very next year of liver cancer. She never drank or smoked. She ate healthy and she exercised daily. She died at 76 and my life began a very gradual yet very significant downward spiral culminating in where I am now.

Now! I am in no way trying to avoid blame. Just set the scene. I am educated and intelligent (sometimes these are mutually exclusive. I'm lucky) and I was well aware that about 5 years into the 10 year downward spiral that I was addicted to gambling, porn and opiates. Alcohol was still a player but took kind of a back seat to poker,******* and first pills, then poppy pods bought off eBay, then poppy seeds washed for the opium. I got caught, she forgave and promised to quit (lie) X 7 or 8. So really, the 16 years is how long we've been married/together. Now, things can become a nightmare in 16 months so I'm not looking for any empathy.

Step 1, as you probably know better than I, is to admit powerlessness...

I was stealing...

From my in laws. . .

Who I love . . .

And who love me . . .

Regularly . . . . . . . .

I'd say that qualifies as not only extreme stupidity but powerlessness as well. They're the ones that might be even harder to win back than my wife.

At any rate, this is bottom. I am a bad person and have a bad personality when I am in a relationship with any ism causing/reward center tapping thing. I just got a kid related text from my wife. My daughter (12) still isn't talking to me. My son and I would lay in bed and play iPad before bed every night and we are going to play Yahtzee over the Internet. It's not being back in the house, but it's something. My hope is that it gives him some comfort. Anyway, the reason I mention my kids is that today, as another millimeter's worth of clarity revealed itself to me, I realized that I had lost control in pretty much every area of my life except for a few.

1. My kids - I never put them in danger. The question, "why is daddy acting funny?" Never really came up.

2. My job. I have a really great job - I'm still holding that together.

3. Driving. No DUIs.

What I realized today is that these three things, in an order unknown to me, were the next things to "go." So in my attempt to try to whitewash the bullshiz, I would say things along the lines of, "well, I am still a good dad," or, "I do a great job at work." While those things are true, it was only a matter of time. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be sitting where I am I would have laughed in your face and told you that you're nuts. They WERE the next to go. And I thank my HP for allowing me the clarity to see that today.

I overwrite so I'm going to snap it up like this.

My thinking is what got me here sitting on my aunt's couch instead of home helping to get my kids ready for bed.

My thinking is what had me wandering around the grocery store for 2 hours trying to remember how to shop for one.

And it's my thinking that allowed me to somehow make the decision to steal from people who love me and whom I love deeply.

It's my thinking that is broken.

I have hit a meeting every day except this past Wednesday because I have a group therapy with my Dr. To make up for that, I doubled up on Saturday and Sunday.

When I tell you that I fully believe that not drinking isn't enough, I mean that with the same sincerity as when I say I love my family. I need recovery. I need to follow the rules. Not mine. Not hers. The rules for sobriety.

I have solicited a sponsor. I'm focusing on step one but that one is not too terribly hard given my current circumstances.

But I would be happy to include you in my prayers (which my increased clarity also allowed me to understand that thus far have been for myself and not them).

I have never done this the right way so I am simply doing what I am told by the people who have done it the right way and I don't have the luxury of effing up. I didn't before but I was too sick to see straight.

Best,

Rob