He's out of rehab
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
He's out of rehab
Apparently AH is out of rehab - he was there for 60 days.
This morning he texted me wondering when he can see the boys. I told him that we can meet at the park tomorrow from 1-2, and he agreed.
He spent an hour at the park with the kids last September, and before that he had only seen them a small handful of times since everything hit the fan last April.
I'm trying to stay grounded and not let my thoughts and emotions spiral out of control, but it's hard. I have all these questions - where is he living? Who is he living with (the OW?)? What are his plans for employment/income? Is he planning to remain sober and pursue recovery? Does he feel sorry about what he's done to us?
Crap, here come the tears...
Is it appropriate of me to ask those things (not the one about feeling sorry), or should I maintain my distance and keep it about the boys?
There is a large part of me that is still hurting a lot - the affair on top of everything cuts really deep.
Yuck.
This morning he texted me wondering when he can see the boys. I told him that we can meet at the park tomorrow from 1-2, and he agreed.
He spent an hour at the park with the kids last September, and before that he had only seen them a small handful of times since everything hit the fan last April.
I'm trying to stay grounded and not let my thoughts and emotions spiral out of control, but it's hard. I have all these questions - where is he living? Who is he living with (the OW?)? What are his plans for employment/income? Is he planning to remain sober and pursue recovery? Does he feel sorry about what he's done to us?
Crap, here come the tears...
Is it appropriate of me to ask those things (not the one about feeling sorry), or should I maintain my distance and keep it about the boys?
There is a large part of me that is still hurting a lot - the affair on top of everything cuts really deep.
Yuck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Whoa boy, I'm sorry for the turmoil you're likely feeling now, and the barrage of questions you're probably dying to hit him with...
What is your motivation behind any questions you would ask? What is it you truly want answered? Can he provide that information?
Those are the questions I'd ask myself today...
The answers change what you may say tomorrow, I think.
What is your motivation behind any questions you would ask? What is it you truly want answered? Can he provide that information?
Those are the questions I'd ask myself today...
The answers change what you may say tomorrow, I think.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tropicalwinter......here is how I see it, from the outside...for what it is worth...lol....
With every one of those questions that y ou might inquire of him....it increases his "power" over you....
To him, it is most likely to be interpreted as..."I am desperate for you; I want to get you back; I am hurting and I am very vulnerable to anything else you might do to me; my self esteem is in the trash can; you are the hardware store and I am begging you for a loaf of bread...or, a crumb of hope; my existence depends o n you more than what I can do for myself....; in short, I am nothing without you...."
He will interpret it all as you groveling....If he is heavy n narcissism (and it sure sounds like it)....they revel in seeing other's misery....they have little, if any compassion or empathy for the misery that their actions cause others.....
It is my suggestion that you talk to him about the kids only....and show no outward curiosity concerning the details of his personal life.....
dandylion
With every one of those questions that y ou might inquire of him....it increases his "power" over you....
To him, it is most likely to be interpreted as..."I am desperate for you; I want to get you back; I am hurting and I am very vulnerable to anything else you might do to me; my self esteem is in the trash can; you are the hardware store and I am begging you for a loaf of bread...or, a crumb of hope; my existence depends o n you more than what I can do for myself....; in short, I am nothing without you...."
He will interpret it all as you groveling....If he is heavy n narcissism (and it sure sounds like it)....they revel in seeing other's misery....they have little, if any compassion or empathy for the misery that their actions cause others.....
It is my suggestion that you talk to him about the kids only....and show no outward curiosity concerning the details of his personal life.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
And you know, the answers to those questions would probably mean every bit as much as they did when you were together--which is to say, not a lot.
Nope, I agree, don't even go there. I think dandy's insight is probably pretty darn accurate. Find other topics.
Nope, I agree, don't even go there. I think dandy's insight is probably pretty darn accurate. Find other topics.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Thanks for your replies, everyone. I was feeling somewhat frazzled yesterday about this.
I don't really have many friends (we moved here over 6 years ago, but I'm very shy, introverted, and slow to make friends, having small children doesn't help)... there is one who might would come with me, but she is visiting her mother today. Meh.
I've never thought of AH as a narcissist, but then again, I don't really know the "real" him at all since he's been an addict since his teenage years. His dad is a major narcissistic a-hole, though.
I'm just going to bring something to study, keep the convo to a minimum, and study in my car while he hangs out with the boys. I really have nothing to say to him without the presence of a professional third party.
I don't really have many friends (we moved here over 6 years ago, but I'm very shy, introverted, and slow to make friends, having small children doesn't help)... there is one who might would come with me, but she is visiting her mother today. Meh.
I've never thought of AH as a narcissist, but then again, I don't really know the "real" him at all since he's been an addict since his teenage years. His dad is a major narcissistic a-hole, though.
I'm just going to bring something to study, keep the convo to a minimum, and study in my car while he hangs out with the boys. I really have nothing to say to him without the presence of a professional third party.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you need his contact information in case of emergency regarding the kids. You don't have to ask whose house it is or who's living with him--this is purely a practical matter.
Ditto with employment info. He is responsible for supporting his children. Is he doing that? Do you have an order in place?
You don't have to bombard him with questions, you can simply say that you hope he's doing well, but that there are some practical considerations you will need to work out between the two of you for the kids.
I HIGHLY recommend that one of your top priorities be to consult a lawyer about child support and custody/visitation. Having a schedule for parenting time will make everything simpler. Routines are important.
ETA: Another important reason to know where he's living (not that you should mention it) is so he can be served with any necessary court papers.
Ditto with employment info. He is responsible for supporting his children. Is he doing that? Do you have an order in place?
You don't have to bombard him with questions, you can simply say that you hope he's doing well, but that there are some practical considerations you will need to work out between the two of you for the kids.
I HIGHLY recommend that one of your top priorities be to consult a lawyer about child support and custody/visitation. Having a schedule for parenting time will make everything simpler. Routines are important.
ETA: Another important reason to know where he's living (not that you should mention it) is so he can be served with any necessary court papers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I survived. It was strange to see him again, lots of strange feelings... Part of me still loves him, but we were on an unsustainable path. I'm better off without him.
I cried some in my car, texted with my awesome therapist, and studied for my chemistry quiz I have tomorrow while he was with the kids at the playground.
He has not paid a penny toward the care of the kids since he left in April. I have been getting by with the financial support of his parents while I go back to school to get a degree so I can be marketable - I've been a SAHM for 15 years.
There is no order in place - we are still legally married. Legal separation is not recognized in Florida. I'm pretty sure I know where he's living, although I don't have the actual address.
He's put on some weight, which is good since he was getting pretty darn scrawny with the cocaine/crack use. He was cordial. I was brief.
I have no idea where his head is at, if he understands how much damage he's done, nothing. Trying to just let go of attachment and stress and forge ahead with my goals.
I cried some in my car, texted with my awesome therapist, and studied for my chemistry quiz I have tomorrow while he was with the kids at the playground.
He has not paid a penny toward the care of the kids since he left in April. I have been getting by with the financial support of his parents while I go back to school to get a degree so I can be marketable - I've been a SAHM for 15 years.
There is no order in place - we are still legally married. Legal separation is not recognized in Florida. I'm pretty sure I know where he's living, although I don't have the actual address.
He's put on some weight, which is good since he was getting pretty darn scrawny with the cocaine/crack use. He was cordial. I was brief.
I have no idea where his head is at, if he understands how much damage he's done, nothing. Trying to just let go of attachment and stress and forge ahead with my goals.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I believe that with or without "legal separation" you are entitled to child support and can file a claim for that. People can do that who have NEVER been married. Please talk to a lawyer--regardless of whether you file for divorce your kids are entitled to their father's financial support and without a custody/visitation order in place he'd be free to take the kids at any time and you'd have to go to court to get them back.
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